16. Not The Dark Lord of the Sith

"She can't be. I've told her everything!" Carth cried. "I told her about my wife, my son… and she cared… I thought she did."

"She cares, Carth." Jolee said calmly. They were in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawk. "And she told you everything she knew about herself. She only remembers a little before the voyage began, and even then…"

"I can't." Carth shook his head despondently. "How could I be so stupid? How could I let this happen?"

"Let what happen?" Jolee asked.

"It doesn't matter. It stops here, now." Carth gritted his teeth firmly. "Do we have to escort the Dark Lord everywhere still?"

"She's not the Dark Lord!" Mission insisted from her spot in the co-pilot seat. "Has she ever done anything Sith-y?"

"It doesn't matter." Carth tried not to think about all the good deads I'd done. He couldn't concentrate. "She betrayed the Republic once, she'll do it again."

"Carth." Jolee said firmly. "She's different. You didn't know Revan; I did. Revan was a royal pain in the ass. Don't argue with me, we all know that Ciara isn't nearly as annoying as she could be. She is not acting like Revan."

"I don't want to wait until she does." Carth said sternly. "I almost want to leave her somewhere. Tatooine's nice and remote." Juhani entered the cockpit, taking Mission's seat.

"If we did that," Juhani began, "she may fall into despair and turn again to the dark side, bringing destruction worse than before. With us, she has a chance at redemption."

"I suppose you're right." Carth sighed. "I just don't want it to happen again."

"Then keep being there for her." Mission said gently. "Believe me, this is killing her too. She's been moping around for days."

"It's hard for all of us." Jolee assured.

"Not for you!" Carth glared at him. "You knew this whole time!"

"You need someone to blame for this." Juhani's voice was calm. "You're right, Jolee could have told you, but he decided not to. Bastila could have told you, but she didn't. It's not Ciara's fault that she's Revan, nor is it Jolee's or Bastila's. In time, she will come to terms with her identity. You have to do so as well. You know you can't kill her or hate her; she's done too much. She won your trust. The only thing that has changed is that she found out what she's done."

"Only?" Carth spat. "She slaughtered—"

Juhani interrupted, still calm. "Her drive for good was likely triggered by some acknowledgement of her previous evil. One cannot go to the dark side or the light side without the will to do so. She is no pawn of the Jedi Council. She would have died when Bastila captured her, but Revan wanted redemption, another chance. Ciara didn't want to be Revan, but Revan wanted to be Ciara. You need to give her that chance."

Carth was silent for a moment. "As tempting as it may be right now, shutting her out will only make things worse, especially if you're the one doing it." Jolee warned. "She needs all of our support, especially now. She was there when you needed her. Just give her time, son, and she'll do the same for you." Carth was conflicted. He got up, handing the controls to Jolee wordlessly, and wandered into the crew quarters where I was sleeping.

"I never thought of Darth Revan as a person." I couldn't tell if he was talking or thinking. I was sprawled on the bed, covered except my right foot. Carth pulled the blanket over it. "Why is this happening to me? Damn, why am I being so selfish? This is killing her, I can tell by looking at her. She's having nightmares again. Jolee's right, as much as I hate to admit it. Her being Revan hasn't really changed anything, just made it more complicated. She sleeps this close to the edge? Doesn't she notice how clumsy she is?"

"Thanks for listening, Carth." Mission's voice came from the doorway. "I'm glad you're still tucking her feet in."

"She told me she can't sleep if her feet are cold." Carth mumbled. "She gets cranky when she doesn't sleep well. You were on Taris, so you know what I mean." Mission smiled.

"No pressure, Carth, but I think she's counting on you more than anyone, especially now that Bastila's gone." She said sincerely. "The thing that bugs her the most is what she did to you, as Revan I mean. She wishes she hadn't hurt you." Carth looked at Mission, his eyes moist.

"She told you that?" He asked.

"No," Mission said slowly. "It's written all over her face."

"Do you believe…" Carth started.

"It is never too late for redemption, no matter how far you fall." Mission replied. "That's what she told Juhani."

"She didn't know then." Carth mused.

"I think somewhere she's always known." Mission said softly. "She just didn't remember. She wanted it to be a dream. Just stay by her side. She won't betray you this time."

"I want to believe you." Carth said, almost inaudibly. "But I don't know why she wouldn't repeat the past."

"You know why she won't." Mission smiled slightly. "That's the big difference between Revan and Ciara." She left the quarters. Carth watched me sleep for a moment.

"If you betrayed us – I mean, betrayed me – I don't know what I'd do."

I awoke in the middle of the night, completely confused. I was used to seeing Bastila's memories in my dreams, not to mention my own, but this was Carth's. I looked over at him. He was fast asleep. I remembered Bastila's comment about forging a bond with Canderous. After all, I was getting awfully good at reading Carth's thoughts. Carth opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Are you afraid that I'm Revan?" I asked.

"What?" He was groggy. "Maybe a little. What makes you ask that?"

"I had a dream about you – it was like a memory of yours." I said. "It was after the Leviathan. You were talking with Jolee, Juhani, and Mission, then you came in and tucked my feet in."

"It never did any good, you always stuck them back out." Carth smiled a little. "That's weird that you saw that memory. Mission's words really stick out in my mind."

"Which ones?" I asked.

"When she talks about the difference between you and Revan."

"What do you think that is?"

"Me." His voice was slightly rough. "You said Revan never loved."

I smiled. "I think you're right, but I really don't remember whether or not Revan loved. I guess it's possible, but I don't know. I never really thought of it that way." I kissed him gently. He returned the kiss more passionately than I had anticipated. "Good morning…" I was startled. The idea of a man wanting to get on me any chance he got was welcome, but still alien to me. His skin was soft against mine. "I have a question for you." I said, pulling away from him quickly.

"What's that?" He asked patiently.

"When did you first realize you were interested in me?" I had to indulge my curiosity. He laughed a little.

"Well, I knew you were beautiful when I first saw you, but I wasn't exactly looking to do more than work with you." He caressed my arms gently. "It was a slow realization. I denied it all the time. You listened to me and you cared what I had to say. No one ever did that before. I think on Dantooine I realized I was in it deep. They took you away and I felt entitled to know what was happening."

"I was trying to convince myself I didn't like you since I woke up on Taris. You had noticed that I was having nightmares and were obviously concerned about whether I lived." I explained. "And when you told me about Saul, I wanted to help you. I think it was then, when you started opening up to me. But I thought you liked me at the beginning. I was actually disappointed that you'd been married. I thought I'd never measure up. At the party, when you said you learned something about her, I was sure she was alive and you were leaving me."

"Never." He assured. "Although I guess I did make you pretty nervous."

"You never really smiled on the voyage, except when you laughed." I noted.

"I smiled," Carth was defensive.

"I'm not talking about when I fell down." I clarified.

"I smiled when I was happy." Carth explained as though it were the most obvious thing ever.

"But it wasn't truly sincere. Part of the reason I started teasing you was to make sure you could feel extreme emotions, like happiness and irritation."

"And I thought it was my stunning good looks." Carth said sarcastically.

"That too." I laughed. "I think the first time I saw you happy was when Dustil said he'd meet up with you on Telos."

"Things were changing around then." Carth thought out loud. "I knew I'd have a future after Saul. I still had a son, but there was a hole. I guess without you, there would always be a hole."

"That's sweet." I smiled. "Thanks."

"No problem." He took the wrap-up of the conversation as an indication to continue the make out session. I was glad I didn't feel tired when I woke up and spoken to him, because it was a long time before we got back to sleep. Changing his mind had as much point to it as head-butting a bantha to make it get out of the way.

(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people are the coolest!