17. Malachor
Bastila left the next morning for her mother's funeral on Coruscant, so I had to work without her. My job was easy enough: I checked and cross-referenced records, balancing equations, you name it. Sometimes I missed roaming around, but it was nice to have a change of pace. Typing became almost therapeutic, as long as I didn't think about fighting things and getting my boots dirty. Carth always came home stressed from dealing with Czerka, but that was to be expected, and I did my best to help him relax. To my great surprise, life was moving along pretty well for a few days when I got a summons to speak to the Jedi Council. Of all convenient times, it came during dinner. They were on Telos to talk to me.
"Why are they here?" Carth asked, expressing his usual frustration at these urgent messages, compounded with his dislike of the Council's role in my life.
"I don't know," I started. "They probably want me to go fix things at Malachor or something." My brow furrowed. "What did I just say?" I knew what I'd said, but was surprised that the memory had subconsciously returned.
"Malachor." Carth said slowly. He looked doomed. I could almost feel the doubt running through his mind.
"Damn." I sighed. "That's why they're here. They want me to keep on saving the galaxy. I have to go meet with them. Now." I ran out of the apartment so I wouldn't be tempted to give in to Carth's protesting. As I ran down the corridor, I planned out what I'd say to the Council. I opened the door to the apartment they'd designated in the message. "Good evening, masters." I said tritely.
"You know why we're here." Master Vrook raised an eyebrow. "You're quite perceptive. The other masters are presently out—"
"I didn't come here to have tea and pleasantries with you." I had assumed my serene Jedi persona, but my words were my own. Vrook knew what I was going to say.
"Don't be so selfish, Revan. You can't have a normal life, you just aren't made for it." He said, almost spitefully.
"You would have me be selfish with heroism, to have it all to myself?" I raised an eyebrow. "I was exhausted after battling Malak. The thought of going to Malachor and dealing with it is too much for me. I cannot do it."
"Your duty is to the Council." Vrook's tone was flat.
"My first loyalty is to my friends." I countered. "Before I was a Jedi, I had them. I'm not going to abandon them and leave for uncharted space. It is you who are selfish; if I succeed in cleansing the galaxy, you can rest easy knowing the Sith are beaten. If I fail, you can assure the people that Revan is dead in every sense of the word."
"The Council has given you a second chance." Vrook was getting slightly angry. I tried not to be proud that I'd nearly ticked off a Jedi Master. "You owe it to us,"
"To clean up my mess: the Star Forge." I interrupted. I hated "owing" the Council. They were the ones who had wiped my memories away, leaving me to wonder whether it was normal to have forgotten everything. "Malachor wasn't my doing. You know that. I understand the need to face it, but I simply cannot do it."
"I knew you would be selfish." Vrook stated firmly. "I knew you shouldn't have married."
"This has nothing to do with—"
"It has everything to do with Admiral Onasi, you know that." Vrook interrupted. "If it weren't for him, you would gladly go."
"No," I said calmly. "I am loyal to the others as well. I couldn't take them with me, as the darkness might consume them, but I can't abandon them. I'm still establishing myself." An idea crossed my mind. I could think on my feet, and within moments I was ready to present it. I took a deep breath. "But I will train Jedi to go to the outer worlds. I will warn them of the evils that await them. Please, don't make me go. If you present me with an ultimatum, I would have to leave the Order and you'd never hear from me again."
"You strike a hard bargain, Revan." Master Vrook looked almost impressed with my problem solving. "I'm pleased to see you come up with a solution that fits our needs." I wondered if he had thought of it before.
"The Jedi who go must not be viewed as expendable." I insisted, elaborating. "If you wish, I will train a small group to go. I ask for nothing else than the freedom to choose my own future in return. You took the risk of my declaring independence when the Council wiped my mind. You have droids to do your bidding without question. I will see training through to the end, but only if I am granted full freedom afterward."
"Very well. I will discuss this with the other Masters. I will send you a message when we reach a decision."
"Thank you, Master Vrook." I bowed my head respectfully and left the room, hi-tailing it back to my apartment. I knew Carth wouldn't be happy. I wondered if he'd still be in the room. He probably had come to look for me or something. I tried to focus on the sound of my feet hitting the metal floor. I wanted normal ground again. I opened the door and Carth was standing there expectantly.
"Why did you run away like that?" Carth demanded.
"I had to go," I panted apologetically. "I had to get it taken care of."
"You didn't listen." Carth said wistfully.
"I had a feeling you were afraid that I'd go to Malachor, but it won't happen." I said firmly. His eyes met mine.
"They're not sending you?"
"They haven't decided, but I think I convinced Master Vrook to give me my freedom. If he's convinced, the others are cake."
"What's the catch?" Carth sat down on the bed, our usual environment for serious talks.
"I'd have to train Jedi to go in my place." I sat next to him, putting my hand on his knee. "So I might be gone for a little while, but not forever."
"How long is a little while?" Carth put his hand on mine.
"I'm not sure." I hadn't thought about it. "I kind of made it up as I went along."
"You're good at that," Carth smiled nervously.
"I want to do as much as I can where I'm living, and these war-touched worlds are a good place to start. It would be my day job. Maybe for a week or two I'd leave, but not for longer than that, I imagine. It all depends on what they say. I'm willing to serve a year at their will to have the rest of my life my own."
"They can't deny you that!" Carth said, agitated. "You have to make your own choices; you're entitled to that freedom as a sentient being!"
"Can we talk about this tomorrow when they tell me what they think?" I asked, tired. I rested my head on his chest and he put his arms around me.
"You got it." He said, releasing the agitation from his voice. We sat in silence for a moment.
"I'd rather die than go back." I said quietly. "Don't I deserve to be a bit selfish after all that I've done?"
"You don't want to talk about this now." He reminded me.
"What else is there to talk about?" I asked.
"Well, you missed a wonderful conversation." Carth's breath was warm on my ear. I loved how his mere presence could comfort me. "Zaalbar, Mission, Juhani, Griff and Canderous found a perfect spot for a new settlement. They've started clearing it and will begin building soon."
"Oh good," I said distractedly.
"You know where this is headed?" Carth asked.
"No idea."
"Soon we could be looking at real estate." He said happily. "And I wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to put in a little extra work to build a new place for my parents." I smiled.
"I'd love to." I tugged at my ponytail, releasing my hair.
"I figure I owe it to them," Carth began.
"You don't owe them anything." I said defiantly. "It's a gift you're giving willingly, not out of obligation."
"Sorry if I hit a nerve."
He either knew me too well or I was too obvious. I sighed. "Vrook said I owe the Council for their mercy."
"You're kidding!" Carth exclaimed. "You don't owe them anything."
"That's what I mean." I said. "Yes, your parents raised you, but you've done the best you could. That's all they need. You're giving them a new house as a sign of goodwill, not as payment."
"Right." Carth said.
"Do you want to have more kids?" I asked, somewhat abruptly.
"What makes you ask that?"
"Since you were talking about real estate, I figured you'd want to know how many bedrooms to build." I said.
"That didn't cross my mind." Carth said lightly. "You're even more devious than I am."
"I learned from the best." I looked into his eyes. They still melted me.
"I think I'd like to have another kid," Carth mused. "Maybe two, depending on what you want."
"I was thinking more like one." I smiled. "You're not the one that has to go through labor."
"Okay," he smiled back. "But not yet."
"Agreed. I want to finish saving the galaxy before I settle down." I stroked his hair affectionately. It seemed like every time we were left alone together, passion took over. As lovely as that was, I wanted to enjoy just being with him. Somehow we understood that it was more appropriate to just sit together, talking intermittently this time.
Around midnight, another message came in, but this one was more urgent than the last. The transmitter didn't ring as it usually did; it automatically played the message instead. "Ciara, please come to the meeting place immediately to discuss the future with the Council." I stood up and reluctantly put on a decent robe over my pajamas. Carth stood up with me.
"I'm coming with you." He insisted.
"They won't let you in, you'll just feel left out again." I urged. I knew this situation too well. He was going to follow me no matter what.
"I don't care." He put his ugly jacket on and followed me down the corridor. "They're not making you do this." I turned around at him and smiled.
"You're so stubborn." I continued walking.
"This isn't about protecting you." Carth insisted, running to catch up with me. "It's about letting them know that you have rights." I tapped on the door and it soon opened.
"Hello, Admiral." Master Vrook said. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait in the corridor. This matter doesn't concern you."
"It damn well concerns me!" Carth exclaimed. I shot him my best "please go along with this" look, but like most of my looks, it never worked.
"I'm sorry, Admiral, but Ciara will discuss this with you once this meeting is over." Master Vandar said. I was glad he was there. He had more social skills than Master Vrook (who slammed the door in Carth's angry face) did. A few masters I had not yet met lurked in the background. As the door closed behind me, I immediately felt separated from Carth. I hated being alone, especially when I wasn't in complete physical isolation, but still alone.
"The Council has discussed your proposal at length." Master Vandar began. "We would like to discuss the nature of this task with you."
"Very well." I said, trying to keep my composure. "What is it you would like to discuss?"
"You would need a master to help train Jedi." Master Zhar said calmly. "Even another with similar experiences is no equivalent to a master."
"That would be acceptable." I said. "I have given this additional thought, and I would like to train the Jedi on the planets where I live. They were touched by war and would be suitable."
"Yes," Master Vandar nodded. "The masters who would help you would also live on the planets."
"Masters? More than one?" I asked. I had second thoughts if I had to deal with a bunch of arrogant schuttas. I chased that vindictive thought out of my mind.
"Yes," Master Vrook interjected. Damn, the Force made taking turns easy for the Masters. It drove me nuts sometimes. "Two new masters would aid in your training of the Jedi: Master Jolee and Master Juhani."
"When did they get promoted?" I exclaimed.
"They were just notified. We thought them best suited for the job." Master Vandar smiled. "You will take on a total of nine apprentices, but three at a time. The three of you will rotate training the apprentices, so they get the experience of training with three masters. We believe nine well-trained Jedi will be sufficient."
I smiled. "I agree. Wait, I'm a master too?" I'm so quick on the uptake.
Master Zhar laughed a little. "In order to take on this task, we feel it necessary to promote you – at least for the time being. Training will begin as soon as possible. The Council will select your apprentices from various schools in the Order and elsewhere. Those deemed most fitting will begin their extensive training: a year on Telos, one on Taris, and one on Dantooine. After they leave for Malachor, you will be evaluated by the Council."
"Evaluated for what? When do I get my freedom?" I asked, startled at my abruptness.
"To give closure to your task, as well as to determine whether or not you should be granted full status as a Master." Zhar explained.
"As for your freedom," Vrook began, "you have already committed to serving on these planets. However, training is difficult, so your relationships may become strained. You will be given few vacations. We advise you to plan your future accordingly, and to defer important milestones to the period after your training of these apprentices."
"So you're telling me not to have kids yet." I said frankly.
"Or move into a nice farmhouse." Zhar smiled. He either had some sense of humor or knew how to deal with me. I smiled at him.
"I have one more question." I began. "What about Bastila? Will she help?"
"As much as she is able." Master Vandar said. "But she is currently unable to commit to training apprentices for an extended period." I knew asking why would be futile, so I made a mental note to ask Bastila, hoping that wouldn't be even more futile.
"What do you say to this offer, Ciara?" Master Vrook said. I knew he preferred calling me Revan, if only to remind me of the Sith scum I was.
"I would like to be permitted to speak with the Council if I feel the assignment needs changing in some way, such as if it becomes too taxing. I will not give it up, but perhaps change tactics. I would also prefer not to travel."
"That is reasonable." Master Zhar nodded. "We will speak with you occasionally about the nature of the training as well."
"There is one more piece of it," Master Vrook added. "The Council has already announced its intent to send Revan to the outer worlds." Those devious bastards! I immediately restrained that thought as well. "You must hereafter never be known as Revan. We took care in altering pictures of you that were distributed to the public. Hopefully you won't be recognized." The Council was stripping away my identity again. "You have another chance to immerse yourself in your new identity. From now on, you will have only one."
"I agree to it." I said after a pregnant pause. "But in the announcement that was made –"
Vrook interrupted, "Your face was not clearly revealed in the holocrons of the parties. As you noticed, we also altered your hair color after the mind-wipe. We used some cosmetic lasers to remove some freckles Revan had and slightly alter your facial structure. The face portrayed to the people was that of Revan, not of Ciara Onasi. You look similar, but not identical." This was a bit hard to take. My face wasn't my own. I wondered how Carth would react.
"If your decision stands, our discussion is over." Master Vandar said. "Please do not be too troubled over this revelation. Your face, like your identity, is indeed your own. The Republic has made no statement that would lead anyone who didn't know to believe that you and Revan were the same person. It would do you well to meditate on this."
"Thank you, masters." I smiled calmly. "I stand by my decision. May the Force be with you." I walked out of the room. I wasn't Revan again. I finally got what I had asked for. The door slid open and Carth was waiting again, in nearly the same posture as he had before. I imagined Dustil would have been familiar with this had Carth been around while he was growing up. I smiled, to Carth's relative chagrin. I wouldn't be able to explain fast enough, I knew it.
"Well?" Carth asked impatiently.
"Training Jedi is my new day job for the next three years." My placid smile lingered on my face. "And you're stuck with me this whole time." He hugged me.
"Finally, some good news!" I returned the hug, still in a bit of a daze.
"This isn't my face." I said abruptly. "They changed it a little."
"What?" Carth asked, looking at me.
"Revan looked a lot like me, but not the same." I explained. "They took off some markings and changed my facial structure a little."
"That sounds painful." Carth furrowed his brow.
"So it doesn't bother you that I wasn't born like this?" I asked. The idea of plastic surgery without my consent was weird, but it explained how clear my skin was. I'd just assumed that was normal too, since I didn't see Bastila with any crazy markings.
"Not really."
"They didn't alter me very much." I continued. "So I guess I look like a relative of me. Oh, and we can't have kids for a few years."
"Why not?"
"I can't train Jedi to save the galaxy if I'm puking my guts out all morning." I said. Carth laughed.
"Good point." He put an arm around me and we walked down the corridor to our apartment. I was explaining more details about the arrangement when we reached our door. Carth's dress uniform was spread out on the chair. I felt a pang of guilt, like I was taking over Carth's celebration.
"So what do I wear tomorrow?" I asked coyly.
"I don't know, something nice." He mused.
"I don't want to wear that loincloth thing Bastila has." I insisted. "I'll figure something out. Is your family here?"
"We'll meet up with them in the morning for breakfast before the ceremony." This sounded strangely familiar. "Then I have to go to the Republic headquarters and make sure everything is taken care of. The ceremony will be just before dinner, then there's your favorite part."
"Dinner?" I asked. "I think you're mistaking me for Zaalbar."
"No," he laughed. "The party."
"Are you going to be on time to this one?" I teased. "It's your party."
"Of course I'm going to be on time." Carth retorted. "And I'm taking you with me so you can't be late out of spite."
"I'm a Jedi, I don't do spite." I stated.
"Carth!" Canderous yelled from the other room. "You have company!"
"Why don't you just knock?" Carth exclaimed, heading toward the sitting room door.
"It takes too long." Canderous grinned. I followed Carth into the main room. Dustil was standing there, somewhat expectantly.
"Dustil!" Carth cried, embracing his son. "It's great to see you again!" I stood back and watched them chat merrily. Dustil looked so much like his father; it was hard to gather what his mother looked like. I swore he was growing by the minute. He must have been seventeen, only two years older than Mission. Mission and T3 entered the sitting room.
"Hey there." She said to me, glancing sideways at Dustil. "I thought you might want to see some pictures of the parties and a few aboard the Hawk."
"Pictures?" I was nervous.
"Of course, you nerf-herder!" Mission laughed. She pulled out a datapad and showed me a picture of Carth and me standing side by side. We both looked exhausted. It was a horrible picture.
"I'm not really photogenic, am I?" I asked, looking at other pictures of me making faces that weren't quite funny.
"You're fine." Mission assured. "It's just that Carth never smiles." She flipped to a picture of him ostensibly not staring at me on the Ebon Hawk, his face as neutral as Manaan.
"I know. I hate it." I sighed and went to the next picture, which was, to my great surprise, Carth grinning. "Wow! He looks happy for once!" I exclaimed. "I want a copy of that one."
"He's even showing teeth!" Mission giggled, sending a copy to my personal datapad.
"I know!" Carth and Dustil had turned to see what the commotion was about.
"What's on that datapad?" Carth asked, walking toward us.
"A photograph of a very rare occurrence." I pulled the datapad toward my chest, hiding it.
"Mission losing Pazaak?" Dustil teased.
"Ciara taller than someone who isn't a Jawa?" Carth smirked at me. I made a face.
"I never lose. Try me." Mission replied smugly. Dustil grabbed the datapad, looked at the picture, and laughed. "We were right, weren't we?"
"Yep!" Dustil showed the picture to Carth.
"Very funny." Carth said dryly. "I just don't see a point in smiling for pictures."
"Or anything else." Mission added.
"That's not true! I smiled –" Carth argued. Mission flipped through the pictures. Sure enough, the only times Carth was smiling were when he was caught laughing. I didn't remember seeing him laugh at those times, so I figured I'd just fallen on my face or something. "These pictures don't do me justice."
"I know, you laughed at me far more times than twice." I joked. Something flashed behind Carth's eyes, but he didn't let it express itself. I put an arm around him reassuringly.
"You weren't much better, Ciara." Mission flipped through more pictures. I was more expressive than Carth, but I still didn't smile. I felt stupid for teasing Carth so much. He laughed softly and kissed my forehead.
"I really am short, aren't I?" I mused, looking at a picture of a group of us. I was barely taller than Mission, and she was growing.
"We've already had this discussion." Carth laughed. "You're short."
"Wow, you guys did a lot." Dustil mused.
"Yeah," Mission sighed. "I can't believe it's over already."
"It's not over." Carth assured. "We're keeping possession of the Hawk."
"Are you sure?" Jolee asked, walking toward us. We were so used to grouping together that it came naturally. "The Council –"
"We should explain what's happening first." I interrupted. "Jolee, Juhani, and I are going to train a group of Jedi to go to the outer worlds and continue to battle the dark side."
"It's ridiculous, really." Jolee sighed. "The fight will never be over. But it's a day job."
"Being a Jedi Master isn't a just a 'day job,' Jolee." I assumed Bastila's lecturing tone. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it. Carth laughed.
"It will be a challenge." Juhani said softly. "But I know we can do it."
"And I'd rather do this than go myself."
"They wanted you to go to the outer worlds?" Dustil asked, incredulous.
"You forget that I was Revan. I'd know what to look for, I guess." I shrugged.
"What about Bastila?" Mission asked.
"She's going to help." Juhani assured. "But she won't be one of the masters training the apprentices. She is a Jedi Knight, however."
"You're a Jedi Master?" Mission asked me.
"I guess I am for a while." I shrugged. I felt a little too nonchalant about this. "It's not a big deal."
"We've been running around in master robes for ages now," Jolee laughed.
"They had the best defense." I argued. "None of us were going to wear anything but the best armor we could fit into."
"Wow!" Mission shook her head in disbelief. "First you're Revan, now you're a master…"
"Oh, I forgot something. I'm not Revan anymore." Mission laughed. "I'm serious this time. They're sending these apprentices out there after telling the Republic that Revan was going. Revan was never associated with me in any of the holos or anything, probably to keep all of us safe. Now it's working to my advantage. I'm never to be referred to as Revan, unless I want to hang out in the outer worlds and have assassins after me. From now on, I'm only Ciara." As much as I hated the idea of the Council depriving me of my identity yet again, it was comforting to be just Ciara again.
(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You ought to know by now all the wonderful things I have to say to you... but I still like you!