18. Dreams
"Ciara?" Bastila called from her room. Canderous was out in the sitting room. "Juhani? Will you come here?"
"Of course." Juhani looked at me and I nodded, following her to Bastila's room. Bastila shut the door behind us. "What is it?"
"I'd like for you to meditate with me." I searched her face for a reason why, but she betrayed nothing. She sat on the floor in a meditative position. Juhani and I followed.
I was in my usual state of white nothingness. I reached out for Juhani and Bastila, finding them both. The others in the sitting room were fainter, but I could feel their presence as well, and it reassured me. I concentrated on Bastila, who seemed to be subconsciously guiding Juhani and me through whatever it was she wanted to tell us. Bastila's force aura was stronger than usual. At first, I just enjoyed relaxing, feeling the warmth of others around me, but then I figured I should start focusing so Bastila didn't get upset. I saw smoky figures appear from the whiteness. One was large and red, the other tall and yellow. They weren't clear enough to distinguish who they were. A blue figure appeared. It was Juhani. I had a feeling this was my cue, and sure enough, a shorter green figure appeared. I am not that short, I thought. The yellow figure – Bastila – laughed. It was odd that we appeared the colors of our lightsabers. These are colors we identify ourselves by. Bastila's voice urged me. Was the red figure Malak? I stopped thinking about it too hard and just watched. The red and yellow figures seemed to dance gracefully together, holding each other. An almost indistinguishable speck appeared within the yellow figure. I instantly understood. An orange figure slowly developed in the yellow figure's abdomen, finally sprouting out like a flower. Bastila's figure cradled the baby in her arms. The red figure stood behind, emanating a sense of pride. Then they disappeared. I was left in whiteness again. I opened my eyes.
"You're not!" I exclaimed, grinning. Bastila smiled modestly.
"You felt the disturbance in the Force." Juhani argued. "You feel the Force beginning to gather around the child. He is definitely present." I hugged Bastila.
"This is amazing!" I smiled. "But you'd better tell Mission soon or she'll kill us." We all knew that Canderous knew as well. He had been extra caring of Bastila lately. Even if he didn't think he understood the Force, he had felt his child's presence.
"So you think it's a boy?" Bastila asked Juhani.
"I'm not sure." Juhani thought for a moment. "I suppose I assumed as much." We went back into the sitting room. Carth knew something had happened. I smiled at him. Knowing Bastila was pregnant made me wonder if I would ever have children. The idea appealed to me, but I had much to do first. I zoned out while Bastila made the announcement to the group. I wondered what raising a child would be like, whether I could do it. I leaned my head on Carth's shoulder, not wanting to deal with the idea of my own children. Bastila and Canderous beamed. Griff entered, slightly tipsy.
"Where were you?" Mission demanded.
"Out with some friends." Griff said defensively. "We just played a little Pazaak." Mission launched into a speech about gambling his credits away. I pursed my lips.
"What?" She asked me brashly.
"He has to learn this himself, Mission." I was calm.
"He had his chance and it didn't work." Mission insisted firmly, anger creeping into her voice. I was taken aback. This was the first time she'd been remotely angry with me. "Look what you're doing, Griff! You're not going to…" Slightly hurt, I turned around, waving quickly to the others, and went into my bedroom. To my surprise, Carth wasn't right on my heels. I undressed and crawled into bed alone for the first time in weeks.
"You will never win, Revan." Malak's electronically enhanced voice called from across the room. I was in the Star Forge. "I defeated you once. I will do it again."
Then why do you keep running away, you pansy? My frustration was interrupted by my inner Jedi telling me to stuff it. I took a deep breath, took out a big syringe of stims I'd prepared, and shoved the needle in my thigh, cringing. I hate needles. I found it ironic that I, of all people, was afraid of needles. I needed to remember to put that on my datapad of things Carth would tease me about if he only knew.
"The Star Forge feeds on the dark side, amplifying it. You don't stand a chance." He cackled. "You were always weak, Revan, clever, but weak. You stumbled down the path of the dark side. I followed you at first, but soon I took the lead. How does it feel to be alone without a past? You're nothing but a shell, Revan. As soon as your shell cracks, you will be nothing."
"I'm stronger in the light than you –" Force lightning hit me. DAMN. It hurt. The stims kicked in. I got a little shaky. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my body faster than blood. "Ever will be in your darkness." I finished. "Pansy." I added under my breath. My inner Jedi master kicked me.
"What?" Malak demanded, charging me. I let him get close before I dodged.
"Your ship fired on mine. You defeated me in the most cowardly way imaginable!" I argued, my lightsabers moving quickly to strike and defend.
"Opportunity knocked." He would've grinned. Good thing he had no jaw. I laughed. I thought everything was funny. "You forget the code of the Sith."
"I spit on the code of the Sith." I corrected. Sweat was dripping off my forehead.
"I'll never forget your face when I told you who you were. You looked like you never saw it coming." He laughed cruelly. "Didn't your Jedi masters tell you that you could fall? You thought it'd never happen to you. You're as arrogant as ever, Revan." I knew he was only taunting me, but the words stung.
"Perhaps, but you will fall." I said flatly. "I serve the Council now."
"Why? What have they done for you?" Malak said, parrying a slash to his head. "They won't let you and your lover stay together. You know they'll rip you apart." I did something I rarely did anymore. I lied.
"The Council is fine with my relationship with Carth."
"You lie." Malak seemed unconvinced. "They forbid love. Don't you remember why you turned to the dark side?"
"Stop trying to probe my weaknesses, Malak." I was as taciturn as Bastila. "You're trying to manipulate me."
"You don't." He laughed. "You said you loved me. We went to war together. I followed you like a lost animal, but I grew in my strength. I yearned for the day that I would challenge you."
"I loved you?" I was puzzled, but didn't let down my guard. I felt no such thing toward him now.
"You were a fool to tell me your greatest weakness. I knew you trusted me, so I attacked your ship. When you fall again, I will capture your friends. You will watch them suffer. I won't allow you to die. You will feel pain." I wanted to throw up. I had loved this man; I knew he spoke the truth. My movements became more urgent. If he captured me, he might rape me; or perhaps he would tell me more about our relationship, which was almost as bad. I didn't want to think of what he'd do to my friends. The thought of my losing was revolting. We dueled for what seemed like days. My thoughts were a tornado when I landed a blow to Malak's side. My mind cleared as the saber sliced into his stomach. I felt serenity and peace as I listened to his final words. He was saying something about if he'd walked my path. I reached out to him with the Force, unwilling to heal him: I didn't want to heal the enemy unless I knew he would truly turn.
"I could save you." I said softly. He shook his head weakly. "Tell me one thing, Malak. If you had the chance to do this all again, knowing you'd be defeated by me – your betrayed lover – and knowing I'd choose the light, would you do it?" I looked into his vacant yellow eyes. I felt like I was holding his hand as he dangled into a ravine: I wasn't strong enough to pull him up by myself, but I wouldn't let him drop without trying. He would have to decide to find a foothold on the ledge in order to live.
"Yes." He managed through his agony, truth blazing from his eyes. I was filled with compassion for him, but I felt no bond of friendship or love toward him. I took a deep breath.
"Very well." I sounded slightly like Bastila. "You know what this means, Malak." He looked at me quizzically. I opened his mind and dumped emotions or peace, mercy, and compassion in so he would understand why I'd let him go. "It means goodbye." I released him. He collapsed on the floor.
"Thank you, Revan…" He managed. "For everything." A death rattle took over his voice. It gave me the chills. I took off his cape and covered his face with it. I wanted to cry to release the overwhelming emotion of finality. Mercy was supposed to feel good. Compassion was supposed to be heart-warming. How could I have loved someone I felt only emptiness for now? Could I live with myself knowing that I'd killed an ex-lover?
"Ciara!" I thought I heard a voice echo in the corridors of the Star Forge.
"Carth." I stood up as if remembering I was supposed to leave, then looked one last time at what remained of Malak. I ran toward the Hawk as fast as I could. The stims seemed to kick in overtime. I was physically shaking when I stepped into view of my friends.
"Ciara!" The voice was distant.
"Carth?" I was confused. He was standing right in front of me, but his lips weren't moving. I could still hear his voice.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Ciara, are you all right?" I opened my eyes. I was drenched in sweat and more exhausted then I'd been when I fell asleep. I turned and saw Carth. He was worried.
"I'm okay." I said, breathless. "I just had a nightmare." Carth was unconvinced.
"'Just' a nightmare? It looked pretty intense to me. What was it?"
"My duel with Malak." I sat up. He was still dressed. "Did you just come in?"
"I've been trying to wake you up for a few minutes." He explained. "I tried to calm Mission down. She's really mad at Griff. Anyway, I thought I heard you trying to scream, so I came in." I looked around. My legs had become tangled in the sheets, wound until they almost couldn't move. Apparently I'd been running. "What happened?" He sat down next to me, stroking my face.
"I just remembered Malak taunting me and the end of the duel when I tried to save him. It might not sound too exhausting, but it was. He called me weak and arrogant, which I knew was true of Revan. I thought he was going to rape me if I lost. I guess I had loved him…" I said quickly. "He said he was going to torture you guys, and somehow I knew what he'd do." Carth's brow was furrowed as far as it could furrow. I wondered if I made any sense. My ideas were choppy, but it was hard to piece everything together.
"I'll say…" He trailed off. "I'm sorry." I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.
"You should go to bed." I said, my eyes still closed. "You've got a big day tomorrow." Silence followed, so I opened my eyes. Carth was staring at me, looking as though he were making an important tactical decision.
"I can sleep later. If you want to talk, I'll listen." He offered, his eyes never leaving me.
"I think I'll be okay. Thanks." I smiled slightly and closed my eyes. A moment later, he climbed into bed with me. He put his arms around me, drawing me close to him. "Are you sure you want me this close? I could start kicking."
"It wouldn't be the first time you'd kicked me." He grinned.
"You're impossible." I sighed happily. "I feel better, thanks. I just need to get my mind off that memory."
"You know what would help?" Carth asked mischievously.
I laughed. "Is there ever a time when you just don't feel like it? Every time we're alone…" He turned an attractive shade of pink.
"I'll calm down." He assured. "I'm still getting used to be married again. It's exciting."
"I can tell." I grinned coyly. Carth feigned innocence. "Why do you make it so easy to go from serious conversations to flirting?"
"I don't know." He smiled.
"It's fun." I returned the smile. "But I'm worn out from sword fighting in my dreams."
"Do you ever have good dreams?" Carth asked.
"Let me see, there was one where I got the dirty details on Bastila and Canderous, the one where you proved to me that I couldn't do anything to you that a blaster rifle couldn't, the one where…"
"Wait." Carth interrupted. "You seriously had a dream about the blaster rifle comment? You paid way too much attention to what I said."
"It was weird. First you were married, then you had a blaster fetish. I thought I had no chance with you."
"Well first you were okay, then you were a Jedi, then you were Darth Revan."
"We're doomed, aren't we?" I smiled.
"Got any more secrets?" He asked.
"Not really." I replied, remembering Malak's description of me as a shell.
"Me either. So I think we'll be okay."
"I kind of liked being doomed. It has a nice ring to it." I mused.
"A nice sinister ring." Carth argued. "I'd like to believe in happy endings."
"But if we're redeemed from being doomed, then we get the best of both worlds."
"You need to sleep." Carth laughed. "You're getting loopy." He put his arms around me sleepily. His skin was warm and soft. I couldn't help but kiss him goodnight.
I made an extra effort to invite Carth to roam around Dantooine with me. He'd seemed more distant than usual, which was disconcerting because I didn't think it was possible. I tried striking up conversations with him all the time, to no avail. He had more to say to Canderous. I tried to hide my disappointment.
I asked stupid questions about Dantooine all the time, just to make conversation. The sun was low in the sky, giving Carth a kind of ethereal glow. He looked good with Dantooine's soft light forming a halo around him, even if he had nothing to say. He was surprisingly patient with me, considering he hadn't known me for longer than a month. I tried to remind myself that he probably wanted nothing to do with a contrary woman like me, but it didn't keep me from hoping.
I blinked and we were aboard the Ebon Hawk, back in the dark crew quarters. The tension told me it was after the Leviathan, on the way to Manaan to find the last Star Map.
"You've been quiet again." I said tentatively.
"I've been worried." He admitted. "About you."
"You don't need to worry about me."
"But I do. It's been bothering me." Neither of us was ready to say "Revan."
"Me too." I sighed. How long would it take me to come to terms with this? "Are you angry?"
"You wouldn't have to ask if I was."
"My neck would already be snapped, right?"
"Don't say that." Carth's tone puzzled me. "I… I don't act irrationally like that, especially…" He didn't say anything further. I had a feeling that asking him about it would be futile. He settled in to his bunk, finding a comfortable position. The conversation was over. It was the only conversation we had between my telling the crew I was Revan and when I returned from the ocean floor of Manaan.
I'd just come back into the underwater station from getting the last Star Map when I got a feeling Carth wanted to talk. My stomach tied in knots.
"Sorry about the sharkie comments." I said sheepishly.
"It's fine, they were funny. I deserved them." Carth smiled uneasily and continued speaking. His words confused me. Only the last part was comprehensible in my memory:
"I think I could love you, if you gave me the chance."
(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! "Sure 'preciatecha!" (I'm from Utah...)