19. Apprentices
Carth endured my tagging along to the Republic offices, even though I only bored myself. I thought it would be good to get his perspective on things, so I followed him everywhere. He got out every last one of his damn medals.
"Are they all going to fit?" I asked, incredulous. He got out an ugly green uniform that rivaled his orange jacket.
"I'll make them fit." He laughed at my face. "This is the military formal uniform. I was wearing the formal uniform that is for non-military stuff to the other parties. The Fleet's kind of weird that way."
"Oh." I was still confused. Carth fastened the Cross of Glory onto his jacket. "Do they jingle when you walk?" I asked innocently, staring at all the shiny objects he had.
"I never really thought about it." Carth laughed. "Now I have to finish getting dressed."
"I'm not the one that distracts from important things." I taunted, sitting on the bed. "I was going to wear green." I sighed.
"You could wear… I don't know, orange?" Carth suggested, fastening the belt on his pants.
"Are you suggesting that I wear the ugly jacket?" I coughed. "Sorry, but that fantasy of yours will have to wait." I walked over to the closet and examined my options. "How did you know I had an orange dress? I didn't even know it."
"Planning ahead." Carth replied. I couldn't see him grin, but I knew he was doing it.
"Dammit, Carth!" I cried, taking off my everyday clothes. "I hate not knowing what I have to wear. It disrupts my sense of control over my own life." I stepped out of my loose linen pants a bit too quickly and fell, hitting my shoulder on the wall of the closet.
"Are you okay?" Carth asked, appearing at the doorway. He was only wearing his pants and an undershirt.
"I am now." I grinned. Sure, I'd just fallen out of my pants and I was lying on the floor of a closet in my underwear. I was still happy.
"Get dressed," Carth laughed. "If you're falling down to get my attention, you're getting all kinds of unnecessary bruises."
"Don't flatter yourself, flyboy." I got up and took the orange dress off the hangar. It was very flowy, not billowy like my more formal dresses. It felt like I put on a sheet and tied it with hide so I didn't look like I'd fallen out of bed.
"I think I look stupid." I called as a warning before I came out carrying my sandals in my hand.
"Don't dig for compliments," Carth insisted, buttoning up his jacket. I dropped my sandals and went into the washroom to make sure I looked good.
"Oh, Ciara, you look hot!" Mission smiled.
"Like Tatooine hot?" I raised an eyebrow and arranged my hair.
"Stop it," Carth called.
"Don't get involved with men. They can read minds." I advised Mission in a low voice. "Speaking of men…"
Mission looked up and to the right, away from me, as she powdered her face delicately. "What's love like?"
"SHUT UP!" I cried, dropping my powder brush.
"I never admitted to anything." She said slyly.
"Yes you did." I began to clean up my mess. "It wasn't direct, but it was there."
"I don't know, Ciara." Mission sighed. "I like him around, but he seems to think of me as a kid sister."
"Oh, ouch." I lamented. "Well you look good, so maybe he'll reconsider. You aren't getting any younger, you know."
"Neither is he." Mission sighed again. "I always have fun with him, but I think he doesn't take me seriously. I just play Pazaak and get into trouble."
"At least he notices what you do well," I offered, thinking of Carth noticing me falling down and being short. Sure, I did them well, but I also saved his butt.
"Whenever he's around, I feel like I really want to impress him, you know? And at first when I talk to him, I'm really nervous, but then I calm down and everything seems to flow, like it was natural. I want to think it'll work out, but I don't know." I half-smiled reassuringly. "What do you think?" Her hazel-brown eyes begged for an answer. I couldn't help but feel sad for her.
"Just hang in there. His kind needs patience."
"You know better than anyone, right?" Mission smiled. "Thanks," her attention turned to my hair. "Oh no, you're not doing that." I had started pulling it back into a ponytail. "I'll make you look glamorous. Everyone will be looking at you."
"They'll be looking at Carth." I corrected.
"And you'll be following him around like a lost gizka."
"I'm the Admiral's wife. I'm supposed to."
"They'll still be looking at you." Mission put a hide headband in my hair, but it looked more intricate than a normal headband.
"Where did you learn how to make me look decent?" I asked, marveling at how my curled hair cascaded over my shoulders elegantly. The top of the dress was a lot like a tunic, baring my arms while having a higher neckline. Mission busied herself correcting where the hide strips on the dress went, so I looked less like a ragamuffin.
"It's not that hard," she managed. "You just happen to know nothing about making yourself look good. The hide ties are supposed to make you look feminine, not like you came in a parachute."
"I'm not used to looking feminine." I countered. "But I'm glad to have you around to make sure I don't look stupid before I do something clumsy."
"You have that part down pat." Mission straightened up. "I think that's all I can do for you."
"So that's what it's supposed to look like!" I exclaimed. Carth laughed from our room.
"Are you ready yet?" He called. "I have to go early and I thought you'd want to follow."
"I'm following!" I smiled at Mission and went back into the bedroom. "Just let me get my shoes on."
"You look great." He smiled.
"Thank Mission." I sat down on the bed and put a sandal on. Carth already had black polished boots on and everything. He went over to the closet. I put my other sandal on. "Ready!" I stood up carefully. The hem of the dress made it feasible that I'd trip. Carth came out with a hat. He put it on and glanced at himself in the transmitter screen. "You look hot, don't worry about it."
"Tatooine hot?" Carth mocked. I took his arm and we walked to the door.
"Ooh, they jingle!" I exclaimed girlishly. Carth laughed again.
His promotion ceremony was relatively quick. I couldn't stand up there with him (I wasn't surprised), so I sat with his parents. Elena gave me a quick rundown of the formalities, to which I was still a newcomer. I was glad to have a seasoned veteran of being the wife of the celebrated with me.
"Don't worry, you'll do fine." She smiled. "Once you've made it through one, you can smile your way through anything they throw at you."
"Come on, Elena, they aren't that bad." Han scoffed.
"That's because you were the one getting the medals." Elena laughed and put her hand on his knee, smiling assuringly at him. "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." Admiral Dodonna presented Carth with even more medals and insignias of his new rank.
"Should you choose to fully re-enter the fleet," she said, her voice projected through the room, "you could easily be promoted to Fleet Admiral."
"That's the highest rank." Elena explained, beaming. Admiral Dodonna continued to explain all the perks of being Carth. Since he was in charge now, he would have some element of control over his future, like the mission he was currently serving on. I wondered if he would resign after this mission. If he retired, he'd have a hefty paycheck, being an admiral. I was sure Admiral Dodonna knew full well that Carth could retire in three years, but she promoted him anyway. He must really be worth a lot to the Fleet. After Carth formally accepted and more medals were pinned to his jacket, we were ushered into a larger reception room. It was party time.
I had a feeling I'd be "Admiral Onasi's wife," the entire evening, so I made sure I put on my best party smile and got ready to be as graceful as I could. I stood by Carth's side, beaming, playing my role as his wife. As I had suspected at our end-of-trial party, he did know how to act. He was an utter gentleman who knew the etiquette of the parties almost as well as he knew his blasters. He enjoyed himself, but I was getting a little sick of these parties. I was willing to smile through this one, though. All kinds of Republic soldiers congratulated Carth on pretty much everything, although they too were on their best behavior. I was hoping for at least some to be like Canderous so I could have some real entertainment.
The crew of the Hawk was all there, but they weren't glued to Carth like I was. I caught myself longing to go with them, but made myself stop wishing I was somewhere else. I just hated being invisible half the time, even though I enjoyed being next to Carth as he was showered with compliments. I maintained serenity through the party. It kept people guessing when they acknowledged me. Carth's parents lingered fairly close by. Sensing I needed a break, Elena took me aside.
"I never got a chance to show you the pictures of Carth as a child." I grinned. She showed me a couple pictures and told me a few brief stories. I giggled.
"This is just what I need." I sighed. "These parties are exhausting."
"Tell me about it." Elena rolled her eyes. "Han is a retired general – and I was with him since right after he enlisted. As though I didn't get enough of dressing up, Carth had to go and enlist." Despite her words of frustration, she was proud. "And now Dustil! I'll be going to these parties until the day I die."
"I'm glad I found someone I can sympathize with." I smiled. She returned it.
"You should get back. People will start asking where the Admiral's wife is. After the party, I'll show you more pictures." She grinned at me while I pushed through the small crowd around Carth.
"Where were you?" Carth asked. I put my party smile back on.
"Making plans with your mother."
"Oh no." He muttered and greeted someone who came up to us. I felt like a museum exhibit. I tried to find Mission to see if she was having any success with Dustil, but it was in vain. "It's almost over. Hang in there." He whispered to me between congratulatory remarks. It was weird seeing him practically worshipped by so many Republic soldiers. I was glad that Carth had a well-deserved time in the limelight, and I grew to enjoy simply being his wife, not a celebrity Jedi. It took me a little while to adjust, but I did and was enjoying myself when the party was over.
"I was just starting to have fun." I feigned grumpiness. "Do we have to go yet?"
"Are you kidding?" Carth exclaimed. "I'm exhausted. I don't know if I could take that much longer."
"You looked like you were having a grand time."
"You get good at that in my line of work." He smiled. "So what are you and my mother up to?"
"She's going to show me embarrassing pictures of you." I grinned.
"I'm not letting her get you alone. She won't tell you the whole story." Carth promised. We sat down in the sitting room with his parents and sifted through pictures, finding the most interesting ones. We talked well into the wee hours. Carth had the next few days off, but I had to begin training my apprentices the next day, so I finally dragged myself to bed. I slept dreamlessly and woke up tired.
We decided that training would be most effective on Telos' surface, so we took a shuttle down to a small plain. Bastila was able to help us with the first few months of training. I was grateful to have her there. The apprentices were all young and a little anxious. I wanted to become friends with them, as I had with my crew, but they viewed me as a superior. I felt like I was constantly telling them not to call me Revan, which was exhausting. It was strange to be viewed as a generation apart, as a superior. I'd always just been me. I was constantly reminding myself to keep my patience. After a week, they mastered basic meditation. We assigned them reading for the evenings, so they'd learn the wisdom of the Jedi masters, even though we didn't have time to teach them during the initial bit of training. I was relieved. I thought I'd have to teach them everything. They showed promise, but were a lot rougher than I'd expected. Juhani focused on combat with them, Jolee focused on ethics, and I focused on meditation to aid them through the trials that awaited them at Malachor. Bastila taught the fundamentals of battle meditation to two or three apprentices at a time. Weeks passed. The training seemed to be getting somewhere. The students had improved their meditation skills greatly, but I could tell the ones that meditated at home from the ones that didn't.
"Cleansing the taint from the Outer Worlds is a very serious task," I addressed the group. "You must take it seriously and take every opportunity to improve yourself in order to be best prepared. Surely you can feel the reverberations of death around you here. Malachor V is far stronger. It pulses with dark energy. It will lure you in and you must remain vigilant against it. You will only be victorious if you seriously immerse yourself in your studies now. Work hard this weekend. In four weeks we travel to Taris. Prepare yourselves. You are excused." I maintained a serene expression as the apprentices left for the shuttle to the space station. I felt like their training had aged me prematurely. When they left, I dropped my serene façade.
"I didn't know you were an orator, kid." Jolee chuckled. "That was a heartwarming speech."
"It wasn't supposed to be heartwarming." I sighed. "At least they're doing better with the real Jedi stuff, like meditation and use of the Force. How goes their basic competency?"
"Their lightsaber construction is still a bit off." Juhani said calmly. "But some are beginning to excel in combat. From what I understand, they are not the same as those that excel in meditation."
"Good. At least their skills are balanced." The three of us walked toward the shuttle that would take us back to Citadel Station. "Can any of them pilot a ship?"
Silence.
"Oh no." I sighed.
"If you complain about it so much, why are you doing it?" Carth asked me one evening. He smiled playfully. He was just seeing how far I'd argue with him.
"It's not all bad; I'm just surprised that only one of them can fly a ship without endangering lives in the entire quadrant." Carth laughed. "It's terrifying. I'm trying to teach them not to fear, then they do something that makes me fear for my life."
"Sounds like it's a better match for you than desk work."
"I must be a sucker for punishment." I lamented. "Look who I'm stuck with."
"Oh, ouch." Carth said sarcastically. "Your insults have improved."
"Excuse me?" I asked playfully.
"You're witty, but you can't insult me to save your life."
"And you can insult me? 'Damn persistent' isn't much of an insult." I laughed. "Speaking of damned persistence, how's Czerka?" Carth's eyes rolled to the back of his head.
"We'll just say they make you look like the easiest person to work with."
I smiled. "I wonder how you made it this far in the galaxy without me."
He shook his head. "I couldn't tell you. Dealing with Czerka is like trying to have a decently interesting conversation with a protocol droid."
"That's rough." I sympathized, rubbing his shoulders.
"What are they going to do about your lack of pilots?" Carth asked after a minute.
"I don't know." I sighed. "If I have to go there, I won't be happy."
"Will you?"
"I'm not sure. If I have to, then maybe." I hated thinking about any situation where I had to go back to Malachor V.
"If you have to, I'm coming with." Carth insisted. No. Not this again.
"If I go, I'm going alone. I can't risk losing you."
"But leaving me here wouldn't be losing me?" Carth was upset.
"Carth," I turned him around to face me. I kept my hands on his shoulders and leaned my forehead against his. "I'm not going unless there's no other way. If you come, you might die. I couldn't live with myself if I was responsible for your death. I'd rather you stay here where you're safe."
"I don't need you to protect me."
"You're stuck with it." I countered. "I promise I won't go unless there's no other way. I'd never up and leave you without explanation."
"I know you'd tell me, but I don't think the Council would. I'm afraid they'd pressure you to just leave."
"The apprentices are progressing quickly." I smiled, my voice full of hope. "Maybe it won't take two and a half more years. The agreement was that whenever they were ready, I'd be done." A noise came from the other room. I stood up and headed for the door.
"You know she's not due for another month." Carth smiled.
"I know." I faced him again. "I'm not used to the bond being all but gone. I worry." He stood up and hugged me. I loved how tactile he was.
"You don't need to worry." He whispered into my hair. "You'll know."
"It's not the same."
"It'll never be the same." Carth murmured. "But that doesn't mean it won't be good."
(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! Have I told you lately that I love you?