Chapter 7

Sara groggily reached for the ringing phone, cursing it while wondering what time it was. Rubbing her eyes she saw the digital display on her clock read 7:32 a.m. With a scratchy voice, she finally answered, "hello…"

It was Grissom on the phone about the Brianna Ellers report. Fighting for consciousness she tried to figure out what he was saying. "What data? Oh, okay. No, I'm not busy; I can be there right away. I just need to grab a shower. Bye." She wasn't expected in the office for another twelve hours. To continue catching up on her work she had intended to go in early but not this early. "I need coffee."

Shuffling towards the bathroom she wondered why Grissom had called her home phone instead of paging her like he normally would. Minutes later, when the warm water of the shower rained down on weary head the obvious answer emerged…he was checking to see if she was home and not otherwise occupied. A little jealousy perhaps?

Shaking her head under the stream of water she silently lectured herself. This is not healthy…well it hasn't been healthy for a long time but now that you're seeing Mike this is definitely NOT healthy.

Lathering her head with conditioning shampoo she listened to the voice of reason in her head. You have no business going out on dates with Mike when you are still focused on Grissom. It's not fair to Mike; he's a really nice guy. Last night you knew he wanted to kiss you and you went out of your way to avoid it. I know you SAY you're moving on but really who are you kidding? You know what your counselor would say about this…the same thing he said about the OTHER issue from your past.

In an attempt to drown her inner voice, Sara ducked her head under the showerhead and rinsed. It didn't work. Your counselor said you can't achieve closure and move on until you have confronted your past. You're avoiding…you're always avoiding and when you're not avoiding, you're hiding.

Reaching for a towel she caught her reflection in the mirror and yelled, "Okay, I get it! Closure is needed!"

The ring of her cell phone thankfully ended the tortuous self analysis.

Checking the clock as she tracked the direction of the ring, noting only ten minutes had passed since Grissom's call. Flipping open the phone she didn't check the incoming ID. "I'm not in the car yet. I'm still getting dressed."

When she heard Mike's voice she was surprised. "Oh sorry…I thought you were…the office." Holding the phone in the crook of her neck she listened as she opened the closet door to grab some clothes. "No, I remember. I'm going into the office right now and I'll grab your jacket and put it in the locker room. I should be there in about twenty minutes." Feeling guilty over the previous evening she added, "Thanks again for last night. Okay…see you soon."

Closing the phone she released a heavy sigh but before she could collect her thoughts the phone rang again. This time she checked the ID and a smile perked the corners of her mouth before she answered. "I'm not in the car yet. I'm still getting dressed."

Sara had only been in the locker room for a few seconds when in popped Mike popped. "Is the coast clear? I don't want the mad scientist blasting me again."

Chuckling she grabbed the jacket. "Yes." As she was about to toss it, Mike lunged to grab it.

"Sorry, I have my sunglasses in there and I didn't want them to fall out." Clutching the jacket he cleared his throat. "So you want to do something this weekend? I'd really like to get out of the city and grab some fresh air. Maybe a hike?"

"Umm…" Remembering the lecture she had just received from her guilty conscience, Sara declined. "I have some things to take care of around here. I'm going to have to pull some doubles and won't have much free time for a while…" Noticing his disappointment she qualified her statement. "But a hike does sound like a lot of fun. Maybe some other time when I have things cleared up."

Disappointed in her answer, Mike forced a smiled. "Hey I completely understand." Sensing he was overstaying, he backed out of the room. "You take of business and call me if you get some free time."

"Thanks." A grateful smile eased over her lips. "I will."

Coffee in hand, Sara walked down the hall to Grissom's office.

Standing in the doorway she was surprised to see he wasn't there. "Hmm…"

Greg turned the corner just in time to catch Sara walking away from Grissom's door. "He went home."

Confused, she stated, "he just called me at home to come in and talk about the Brianna Ellers report."

"I know, he told me to give you this. We were working on the Lopez case all night and he needed to catch some z's." Handing her the file he smiled. "If you need any help, I'm young and energetic and would be happy to assist."

Patting him on the shoulder, Sara declined. "I'll be fine but I know where to find you if I need you."

Walking away she unfolded the note clipped to the front of the file. Page 7 – decimal point threw off all the calculations– not like you – fix and return. I checked everything back into evidence for you. Surprised you left it out - not like you. Grissom.

Rapidly she flipped to page 7. "Damn." It was the first report he had ever kicked back. Studying her figures she groaned…sure enough, her decimal was off one place and the entire page had to be redone. Imperfection was not something she tolerated from herself. Imperfection in front of Grissom was unbearable. Her face buried in the file, she hurried to her desk.

Her watch read six p.m. when Sara rang the doorbell to Grissom's townhouse. She had been here a few times but never alone and never uninvited. Grissom, like her, wasn't the spontaneous type and she knew her unexpected visit would be a challenge for both of them. Feeling like a fool but determined to stay the course, she impatiently waited.

In her trembling hand she cradled a beetle in a specimen jar, thinking to herself, has there ever been a stranger line than hey, I wanted to show you this beetle? Nevertheless she was here, the doorbell had been rung and she was hell bent on staying until she asked her question and he gave her once and for all a definitive answer.

Mike's earlier suggestion to go hiking had appealed to her so much that as soon as she corrected the Ellers report she left the office, stopping home for a quick change of clothes and making a beeline for the city limits. Of course since the purpose of the hike was to clear her head, she went alone. Not that a couple of hours of deep thought in the great outdoors could possible help her fix all her problems but maybe, just maybe, she thought it might give her some insight.

During her hike when a strange beetle crossed her path and her mind flooded with thoughts of Grissom, she knew, once and for all, something had to be done to resolve the situation. The beetle was clearly a sign! Yes, she could end up looking pathetic…or more pathetic than she already did but as she learned in counseling, you can't achieve closure and move on until you have confronted your past. Of course she wasn't looking for closure; she was hoping for an opening.

After waiting for what seemed an eternity, the door slowly opened, revealing Grissom, dressed casually in a pair of jeans and an untucked crime lab t-shirt. From the stunned expression on his face she would have sworn he saw a pink elephant in the doorway instead of her.

"Sara?" He stared wordlessly.

Hoping to break the ice she began her rehearsed speech. "Hi…umm…I know this…I know you don't like people stopping by but…this couldn't wait and when I checked you weren't in the office so I had to come by…I would have called but my cell went dead and well…" Suddenly she froze. That was NOT the rehearsed speech and a wave of apprehension raced through her. "Is this a bad time? Should I go?" Cursing herself for breaking her promise not to leave until she asked her question and got her answer, she fidgeted on the doorstep.

Carefully considering her question he replied, "Uhhh…actually…I was just about to…" A mixture of curiosity and trepidation got the better of him until he undiplomatically inquired, "Why are you here?"

Questioning her sanity, her voice filled with doubt. "Right. Why am I here?" Quickly she redirected. "I mean…I am here because I wanted to show you this beetle." Extending the specimen jar she displayed her catch. "I never saw one like it before and wondered if you had? It crawled on me and I wanted to make sure it wasn't poisonous." After saying it aloud she was able to confirm that yes indeed, it was the dumbest line anyone had ever uttered.

Dropping his guard, Grissom reached out for the jar. "Cicindela nevadica." A smile emerged through his mask of insecurity. "A Tiger Beetle. Definitely not poisonous. There are millions of beetles in the world and very few are dangerous." Studying it a little closer his brow knitted. "Although it could be Cicindela nevadica lincolniana, an endangered Tiger Beetle subspecies, in which case…you just broke the law."

"Huh?"

Turning, he stepped back inside the hall. "I'll have to look it up to be sure."

"Uh…Grissom?" She shouted after him. "Am I supposed to follow you or should I just hang out here waiting to find out if I'm guilty of beetle-napping?"

"Oh…" Feeling as trapped as the beetle in the jar, he reluctantly replied, "of course, come in." Returning to the door he held the knob until she passed through then shut it behind her. Unaccustomed to guests and uncomfortable with this one in particular, he relied on formality to get him through. "Can I get you something to drink?" He motioned to follow him.

"Some ice water would be great, thanks." Glancing around the living room she noted that aside from the calendar page, nothing much had change since the last time she was here over a year ago.

After placing a glass on the kitchen counter he paused to catch a glimpse Sara standing in front of his wall of framed butterflies. It was odd enough to see her in his living room but having her dressed in khaki shorts and a fitted yellow tank shirt instead of a CSI gear made her appearance even more foreign.

Wistfully Sara remarked, "This one is my favorite."

Her statement snapped him out of his daze. "Which one?" At ease with this entomological line of questioning he felt a sense of calm wash over him.

"This one." She pointed to a velvet black butterfly with blue and red bands and purple patches on the wings. "I'm drawn to it."

Arriving at her side, he chuckled. "I'm not surprised that you're attracted to that one."

As he relaxed so did she. "What's so funny?"

Crossing the room to get a book, he explained, "That's Prepona Praeneste Praenestina and that particular one is male. The males have a scent producing apparatus on the hind wings, which produces a fragrance that drives females crazy."

Rolling her eyes, she groaned. "You made that up."

Handing her the thick text he raised his brow. "I knew you were going to say that so here is my source." When she took the book from his hands he returned to the kitchen and the captured beetle. "I hope you don't mind but I'm going to give your new, and maybe illegal, pet some meat. Unlike you, he's a carnivore and won't survive without it." Without waiting for permission he unscrewed the lid and dropped in a piece of roast beef.

Teasingly she said, "Well I don't want to be a beetle-napper AND a murderer so yes, please feed him." Settling in on the brown leather couch she cracked open the butterfly book, turning to the index.

After screwing the lid back on the specimen jar, Grissom looked up to see Sara curled up on the couch; her head buried in the book he had given her. He often wondered what it would be like to have her in his life and while he had plenty of undomesticated fantasies about her, this one, sharing a quiet evening together, was also high on his list.

Sighing, Sara looked up from the book. "Why do I even bother…you're always right about this stuff." Intrigued by the text she continued flipping pages.

Feeling compelled to join Sara on the couch, Grissom left the safety of the kitchen. "Look at this one." Sitting next to her, he gently slid the book so one half was resting on her leg and the other half on his.

His sudden proximity stoked her ever present attraction for him and she did her best to conceal her desires. Did he feel it too? Maybe she wouldn't even have to ask her question if things kept proceeding.

Flipping through the pages of the book Grissom stopped when he got to the Papillo Antimachus, a large golden, orange and yellow butterfly. "I have this one on order. It has a wingspan of six inches; between its size and its flashy colors it's a miracle it survives in the jungle."

Suddenly aware that their bodies were touching he struggled to finish his thought. "Uhh…some entomologists think this butterfly survives on its confidence alone…by flying through the jungle like it is…unafraid…it…" His speech ceased as he glanced into her inviting eyes and he knew the situation was perilous when his gaze gravitated toward her parted lips.

Sara's pulse pounded as his fingertips brushed over her cheek but then, without warning and much to her disappointment, she watched him retreat to the opposite end of the couch, taking the book with him. Her heart sank as her voice quavered. "Wh…what just happened?"

Dropping his head in his hands, he whispered. "This…this can't happen, Sara."

Stunned, she stumbled for words. "You can't tell me you didn't feel that."

Shaking his head he tried to explain. "Of course I did but that's not the issue. It's not about how we feel at this moment. Hell, if people acted on every impulse we'd be a lot busier at work." Is this why she was here? Was Mike unavailable tonight so she showed up on his doorstep?

Her head spinning from the sudden change in direction Sara fought to get her bearings. "Is that what this is to you? An impulse?" His choice of words cut her like a knife. "Do you think I'm being impulsive?"

"Sara…" His eyes closed as he looked for the right words. "If we start something what will we do when it ends?"

Trying to follow his logic, she asked, "Why are you so sure there would be an end?"

Sticking to his convictions he continued. "Our ages, our work situation, our lack of prior successful relationships…any one of these things can doom a couple. I've done the research."

Still reeling, Sara asked, "You've researched this?! Us?!" When had he intended to share his findings? "How can you research a relationship without talking to the other person?"

Retreating further into the safety of science, he replied, "There are plenty of studies out there to support what I'm saying. Trust me, I tried to find encouragement, there wasn't any out there. Any one of the factors I cited carries great odds…we'd be facing all the factors and the combination would be overwhelming." Letting his overarching concern slip he confessed his biggest fear. "You're young and beautiful…one day you'd have a change of heart and then…our friendship, our working relationship, our careers…"

Hollow, she murmured, "I can't believe this. You think…" Knowing he wanted a relationship but didn't trust her was far worse than thinking he hadn't wanted a relationship at all.

Trying to explain himself better, he turned towards her. "Sara, what I'm saying is I'd rather keep what we have than lose everything. When things end…they never end well." His voice weakened as he recited a quote. "Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends in a teardrop."

It was a natural reaction to ask him for the author. "Which pessimistic poet said that?"

"It's anonymous." Sighing he added, "I always figured the guy didn't want anyone to know a girl broke his heart."

Not desiring to wait around for the 'we can still be friends' speech, Sara, satisfied she had the answer to the question that had originally brought her here, abruptly headed for the door.

"Sara…wait." He followed her down the hall finally catching her at the door. For the first time since he had pulled away he saw the pain in her eyes and it jolted him.

Her voice wavering, she quietly asked, "Tell me something…" Stopping for a breath she fought back her tears. "If that quote is anonymous…why do you assume it was said by a man who had his heart broken? Did you ever stop to consider there may be another scenario?" She watched as her comment resonated with him and after a moment it became apparent that he had never contemplated the existence of another perspective.

Try as he might, no words came to him as he watched her struggle. Her reaction was so much deeper than he ever imagined, it rendered him confused and speechless.

Thinking back to Grissom's quote, Sara added her own observation. "You know…I remember the first smile…" She paused as she felt a hot tear slide down her cheek. "…but the funny thing is we've never shared a kiss but look…I'm still crying." Having reached her limit, she threw open the door and fled the scene.