21. Running Away

Dark visions flashed in my head. I thought I was done with this. I thought she was gone. All I want is to be me. Is that so much to ask? A giant claw-like structure was in the middle of my field of vision, no matter where I looked. I wanted to destroy it, but it was always just out of reach. I saw Jedi being tortured until they broke. Watching them slowly lose grip on reality and sanity was like trying to perform an appendectomy on myself with a vibroblade while drunk. My eyes rolled around, desperate to shield themselves from what they saw. Finally, I gasped and opened my eyes. I was getting used to seeing Carth look concerned when I woke up from nightmares, but something was different.

"It's good to see you up instead of thrashing around in your sleep. I'm Carth, one of the Republic soldiers from the Endar Spire. I was with you on the escape pod, do you remember?" My head ached and the room I was in was dark and metallic.

"What the—" This couldn't be happening.

"Well, you've been slipping in and out of consciousness for a few days now, so I imagine you're pretty confused about things." Carth continued.

"You're damn right I am!" I exclaimed, interrupting.

"Try not to worry." He urged. "We're safe… at least for the moment."

"You've got to be kidding me." I was having a hard time believing how familiar Carth's words were.

"That smack to the head must have done more than I thought." Carth looked concerned.

"We've done this before." I put a hand to my head. "This is exactly what you said when we were on Taris."

"What do you mean, when we were on Taris? We're there now." Carth raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"But we've been here!" I exclaimed. Oh no. What if that was all a premonition? I was a Jedi after all. Wasn't I? I had to calm myself down before I got too convinced that this was real. He ignored what I said and continued.

"I…I kinda get the feeling we'll be spending a lot of time together over the next while." He said hesitantly. Maybe I should try to put him in stasis while I beat the hell out of him. My inner Jedi kicked me again, so I took the more civil route.

"You're damn right, and it won't be too fun unless you stop making me think I've done a time warp!" I cried.

"I know." Carth grinned. "You were pretty scared for a second." He laughed heartily. "I don't know how I kept a straight face for so long. You were so…" His laughter interrupted. It reminded me of how hard I'd laughed at him when I made him wear the Mandalorian armor, only this was different. Keep telling yourself that.

"Cute." I rolled my eyes. "So how hard did you have to whack me on the head to give me this lump?" Another asteroid was growing out of my scalp. Carth laughed harder. I blushed, realizing what really happened. "No, don't tell me…"

"You sat up pretty eagerly." He looked like he was going to fall to the ground laughing. "You managed to hit that shelf." He pointed.

"I must be good." I raised my eyebrows. The shelf was off to one side of the bed. "I think I have a magnet in my head that attracts me to metal things."

"I think it's just you." Carth panted from laughing so hard. "You should have seen your face!"

"I'm glad you find my face this amusing." I replied sardonically, standing up carefully.

"I'm glad you seem to be immune to concussions and—" Carth was interrupted by a pillow flying headlong toward his face. He stopped laughing and searched me for signs that I was actually hurt. I smiled slowly. A look that was trapped between asking for forgiveness and feigning innocence was stuck on his face. I could almost watch him think by watching his facial expression morph. He became almost impatient and confused while I kept staring at him.

"Were you saying something?" I asked. "I was too busy – observing – you to hear." I winked. The pillow came right back at me, but I dodged it.

I knew the lighthearted feeling wouldn't last for long. My dreams and visions reminded me of all the things Revan had done, and they weren't getting any better. It was almost as bad as my breakdown, and I feared the visions would only get worse. The Council had decreed I was no longer Revan, but that didn't change my identity, just like the mind wipe I'd had before didn't change that I was Revan somewhere. As tempting as it was, I couldn't run away from her any longer. I had a nagging feeling that I could ignore less and less as days went by. I couldn't just wake up and the visions would be gone; the feelings from them remained, permeating my waking life. I knew I had to somehow do one more thing, but I had no idea what it was. I tried talking to Carth about it, to little avail.

"I think I need to go out there." I sighed, knowing it wouldn't convince him. Sometimes I wondered why I even tried.

"You can't go." Carth told me.

"I have just one more thing to set right." I assured.

"Then what will you need to do? After Malachor, will you go to Serroco?" He demanded, agitated. He was hurt. I felt a bit of shame at doing this to him.

"I… I don't know." I couldn't meet his gaze. I allowed him to assure me that the apprentices would do their jobs, but I remained unconvinced. He and I were both fully aware of it, but allowed ourselves to put off the inevitable.

Training apprentices was proving extremely difficult. I realized my anxiety that was behind the sense of foreboding that had made a home in my head. I hated it. I hadn't told Carth about this new development, but I'm sure he could sense it. I dreamt vividly of Malachor for weeks, and that which I had to do became clear to me.

"The apprentices." I managed, staring at a spot on the wall behind Carth's head after a particularly trying day. The worst was yet to come.

"Ciara," He began, his voice filled with sorrow and pleading. I tried to ignore it. I tried to center myself. I had to do everything I could not to cry.

"They can't do it. They'll die." My tone was flat. "I have to go."

"NO!" Carth stood up and ran to me. "You can't go. What if you don't come back?"

"I'll come back." I rested my forehead on his shoulder and his arms were around me in the blink of an eye. "If you wait, I promise I'll be back. I won't be longer than… than I have to." I had to be strong, just this once. I knew I could act like a Jedi if I really wanted to, but I was having difficulty finding peace in the sorrow.

"How long will you be gone?"

"Too long." I lamented. "But I need to go."

That night, I stole the Ebon Hawk. I left messages for everyone, telling them I'd contact them when all was said and done. I had to clean up my mess. My illusion of control burst as soon as I was alone. I sobbed. I could hardly pilot the ship through my tears. Leaving my friends was the cruelest thing I'd ever done, but it was necessary. I had to protect the ones I loved; I had to track down the true Sith and make the galaxy safer.

On my way to the Outer Rim, I noticed that I had stowaways: T3 and HK-47. I tinkered with T3 until I found a message from Carth, pleading the droid to find help. I pursed my lips. The message confirmed my suspicion that Carth had a hand in the droids' convenient position on the ship. I couldn't decide what to do about them. The very conflict made me realize that I was too attached, even to my droids. I had to take drastic action. I put the ship on autopilot and headed to the garage.

"HK, I need to perform some repairs on you." I lied, keeping the straightest face I could.

"Affirmative: Whatever you say, Master. I trust your judgment." He shut down.

"You shouldn't." I lamented as I dismantled him. When I finished dragging him to the closet where Juhani used to stay, I went into the crew quarters to rest, only to find that I had left my blanket on Taris. I felt even lonelier without my source of material comfort. T3 came into the quarters, asking what had happened to HK.

"I did what had to be done, T3." I replied. "Stay here while I go to the cantina." I gulped as I walked down the boarding ramp of the Ebon Hawk for the last time, my shoulder bag full of parts to sell and datapads I refused to part with. I met a droid merchant on the docking bay, to whom I sold HK's parts that I had removed. I searched the docks for people in need of a ship. At last, I met a family who needed transport to the Core Worlds, so I donated the Ebon Hawk to them. They were pleased with my gratitude, but I didn't feel the warmth I used to when helping others.

I was in a cantina on some remote world when my ship left. I was trying to drown my sorrows without becoming a heavy drinker, trying to find control when I felt I had none. I was stranded and there was no turning back.

My days were unimportant and my thoughts were blank. I faced my past head-on for the first time in the Outer Rim in those years, and I'll be damned if I never wished that my crew were with me. Years passed. I was stranded on the fringes of the galaxy, chasing the only person who knew what I must do to right my wrongs: an old woman, an old master of mine that I barely remembered. She constantly escaped me, so I soon resigned to visiting planets touched by the war I'd waged and trying to set things right. I wondered when I would get a sign that I was released from my task. At times I would visit more populated worlds to sit in cantinas and hear the news of the galaxy, hoping that my friends' faces would appear. I was always disappointed. I became reserved and moody, like a crankier version of Jolee. No matter how hard I tried to separate my thoughts from my friends, even temporarily, I couldn't help but remember and miss them.

I grew to hate looking at myself. My boyish figure had become a frame to hang my skin on. Although I tried to keep distracted, my thoughts wandered to Carth. I knew I was "letting myself go" again, like Bastila had said on Alderaan. When this is over, I'm done. I'll go somewhere, anywhere quiet and settle down. I sighed. What use was an epiphany like that when I had no way home? I didn't know whether or not I was really done, and I wanted to make sure I'd never have to come back. I slumped my shoulders and downed a Corellian brandy. I hated brandy, but it reminded me of Carth. I'd been away most of the time I knew him. I couldn't be sure he was still thinking of me. Sometimes I would try to contact him through the Force to tell him I was all right and would come back. I had given up worrying that he'd found another woman. I allowed apathy to consume me while I was gone. I would deal with my life when it was mine to have again. It was rarely successful. Why did I feel so compelled to leave Carth? Would he accept me if I came home? Home. I cried, finally understanding the magnitude of my actions. Not only had I left my family, friends, and loved ones, but I had left the only place I had ever remembered considering home. I took a long gulp of brandy, loving and hating the warmth as it flooded my throat. I had learned not to cry in public, which was harder than learning to be called Revan again, something I'd taken up to lessen confusion. I was struggling against tears when an olive-skinned brunette strolled up to me. Her stride was that of a Jedi, but there was something off about her. She was going to speak to me, I knew it. I took a gulp of brandy. Bring on the worst.

(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people knock my socks off!