22. Emptiness

I knew it before I woke up. She'd left. I didn't have to reach to her side of the bed to know that she wasn't laying there.

The fact that she told you she was leaving give you a hint? The fact that she kissed you goodbye and took all her stuff was just a game, flyboy?

Even though her own words playfully mocked me, I missed her already. I rolled over and realized her blanket was still here. Maybe she'll come back for it and I'll convince her to stay. My heart leapt with hope. I knew she wouldn't be back until she was done, but I was willing to believe that she would. I didn't think she'd leave this quickly. If I would've known, I would've had Mission put a tracking device on her. I sighed. She said she had to go alone and she left me here, useless. Even though it wasn't the first time – or maybe because of it – I was frustrated as hell.

"Did she just try to flip me off?" I demanded. Juhani wasn't the person to ask. She just shrugged. "Dammit! There has to be a suit around here somewhere." I ran to the other room, trying to find another environment suit among the dead insane Selkath. They weren't bleeding, thanks to Ciara's and Juhani's lightsabers which cauterized wounds. I'd hardly had a chance to use my blasters on them. Those women were damn fast.

"You know there aren't any." Juhani's voice floated through the air. It wasn't what I wanted to hear.

"What if the big shark gets her?" I worried. I'd almost said "mama sharkie." I tried not to smile. This was serious. I wondered if she knew that she had the effect of putting me in a panic, then almost making me laugh at myself for saying something as stupid as "mama sharkie" in adult conversation.

"Would you be able to save her?" Juhani retorted. I wanted to hit her. Of course I could! "Your blasters wouldn't work, even if you could use them in an environmental suit. You can't hold blasters with that suit over your hands, you know that." And the environmental suits were gone. So what would I do?

"It'd make me feel better if I were out there with her." I resigned, returning to the room she'd just left. I sat on a footlocker.

"I know." Juhani sat next to me. "You more than the rest of us want to protect her, to help her."

"I want to save her." I was surprised at the words. I'd never given them much conscious thought, but they were true.

"She's the only one that can save her now." Juhani sighed, looking at the airlock.

"No." I stood up. "I'm going to help her, if it means my life. I didn't even expect to get this far, and I'm not going to lose her after all this." I watched a smile develop on Juhani's face.

"You love her." She observed. I tried to get flustered, but I couldn't. Juhani was right. This is rich. I'm madly in love with Darth Revan, which I thought was the most improbable thing ever. I wanted to defer what she'd said, but I couldn't. It was true, and it was something I'd have to come to terms with.

"I can't hate her." I put a hand to my forehead. "I… I tried. I tried remembering Telos, and my wife… but she's not the same person that did all that."

"She's a better person," Juhani added. "She was like an angel when she freed me so long ago on Taris, but even though I only saw her briefly and when I was so young, I can feel how much she's grown." She stood next to me and put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly. It wasn't like when Ciara – Revan – did that kind of thing, when I would wonder for the first time in years if a woman was actually interested in me. I hadn't even cared before. When Juhani comforted me, I knew it was platonic. I'd always had some suspicion about Ciara – Revan. I can't think of her as Revan. I can't do it. I can't put her and that monster in the same spot in my head. I wondered how long I'd really cared what she thought. She told me not to care what she thought about me, but I felt like an idiot teenager drooling over girls that gave me a second glance. I hadn't felt like that… since I was an idiot teenager. It made me feel vulnerable again. I hoped she wouldn't use it against me.

"You have to tell her." Juhani said quietly.

"It might come out wrong." I tried arguing. I hated how these Jedi women were always right.

"It won't."

Silence that lasted eons endured. Juhani was right; I'd have to talk to her soon about knowing she was Revan… and what she meant to me. She is Revan. I thought, shuddering. I had to find out how much of the redemption blather I believed. The airlock opened and a bulky figure appeared. The last time I saw her in an environment suit was on the Leviathan, just before… I couldn't take it anymore. It was now. I had to talk to her now. I tried opening my mouth, but couldn't.

"Wow, don't let me interrupt your party." She took off her helmet. Her hair was messed up endearingly. Her cheeks were slightly red from being trapped in the helmet of the environment suit, keeping her warm. She wiped a few beads of sweat from her brow. "Why the long faces? I got the last map, let's get out of here."

"Did anything get you?" I asked anxiously, standing back up.

"Why do you ask? Am I missing any limbs?" She replied playfully, looking at herself to make sure she wasn't missing an arm. As idiotic as it was, I had to smile. "Stop worrying about me; you'll give yourself gray hairs"

"If you wouldn't get yourself in so much trouble," I tried teasing her, but couldn't. I sighed. She looked at me apologetically.

"Sorry about the sharkie comments." She said softly.

"It's fine, they were funny. I deserved them." I pursed my lips. It was now or never. "Look," I began, but stopped. Ciara took a breath.

"It's time we talked about me being… being Revan, isn't it?" She lowered her voice. Juhani went back to the submersible, leaving Ciara and me in a windowed tunnel, where I could make out some dead firaxa sharks making a trail where Ciara had been.

"If you're ready to talk, then yes… so am I." I said quietly.

"And?" She looked at me. I'd never seen her look at me like this. She's asking for forgiveness. She's… afraid. I took a deep breath.

"I can't hate you. I tried… I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things you've done. For my… for my wife, for Telos… for Dustil. But I can't."

"Why can't you?" Her eyes were full of sadness. It was obvious that she held herself responsible for all that had happened, everything she didn't remember. I almost expected her to tell me how much she hated herself, based on her tone. The thought of her … with that much hate for herself… horrified me. I wanted her to see what I saw in her, but I knew it would take time. I wanted nothing more than to take that away, but if Revan was half the woman Ciara was, she was still pretty damn amazing. Everyone we'd run into said that Ciara was a vast improvement. I believed it. I wanted her to believe it too.

"I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died, but it hasn't brought me the peace I thought it would. All I can think of now is the promise I made to protect you from what's going to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge." She winced. Did she think I was going to revoke my promise? I put my hand on her arm reassuringly. "Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, the… the darkness that must surely be there, it isn't who you are." I looked her straight in the eye and watched her struggle with her identity. I'd seen it a hundred times since the Leviathan, but it was still painful to watch. Watching her suffer like that made me feel like I'd been shredded. "That's why I can't hate you, why I don't want any more revenge. You don't have to be Revan, you can be so much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, they gave you that chance." I looked down at her, feeling my face go soft. It was such a relief to be able to show how I felt. "You have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone it could swallow you whole. I mean, is there room in there for me? Will you let me help you?"

She closed her eyes for a moment and looked back up at me. "I don't want you hurt protecting me, Carth." She said sincerely. She hadn't denied it. Her voice was soft. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be outright rejected, and it encouraged me.

"I think I would be hurt worse if I didn't try." I replied. I realized I had been holding one of her forearms below the elbow for the past few minutes for no apparent reason. I let go.

"I don't understand." Ciara said slowly. The window behind her created a beautiful, if not bittersweet, backdrop. Firaxa swam around with a dangerous elegance. It seemed fitting for something so beautiful to be so potentially fatal.

"Whatever's happened up until this point, there's going to come a time very soon where you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back." She nodded and swallowed hard out of nervousness. "I want you to make the right choice. I want to give you a reason to."

"What sort of reason?" She asked hesitantly. She was cute when she was nervous, even though she was still sad about being Revan. I couldn't help but smile, which aggravated her more.

"You gave me a future. I want to give you a future, too… with me." I hated that I stammered when I was nervous. I dropped the smile, waiting anxiously for her response. Ciara's face was still, but concerned – her usual expression when she was listening to me, or anyone for that matter. She smiled slightly, nervously. I wondered if she understood. I took another deep breath.

"I think I could love you, if you give me the chance." I managed. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. She's not Revan, bantha fodder. She's a remarkable woman, you said so yourself. Get over the Revan thing already. You're even using her insults against yourself.

"I think I could love you too." She said quietly in a tone I'd never heard before.

"Well then I'm… I'm glad. Let's… let's face the future together then… there's still a lot to do." We stood there for a moment, just there. I began to walk slowly to the submersible. She wasn't following. I turned around. She was staring out the window at the sharks. "Hurry up, say goodbye to your sharkie friends." I smiled.

"I had to thank them for not taking my limbs." She retorted, still watching the sharks. "You could've picked a better spot for this talk, you know?" She mused. "Somewhere like, I don't know… somewhere with a sunset. I think normal people like sunsets."

"I just had to—" I began defensively.

"I know neither one of us are normal, but come on! You could've chosen somewhere without sharks, for crying out loud. If that's not ominous, I don't know what is." She interrupted. "Are you saving a real declaration for the Star Forge?" She turned to me, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her head slightly tilted, an eyebrow raised, with a smug challenging look on her face.

"Listen, you," I started, almost threatening her. She smiled slowly, mischievously. My arms fell to my sides. She had completely disarmed me. She walked toward me slowly, headed toward the submersible. I was so focused on watching her walk toward the submersible that I didn't realize she hadn't actually passed me until her footsteps stopped next to me. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Come on," she laughed. "Just because we had a mushy moment doesn't mean I have to be nice to you." She took my hand and started walking again.

I slowly allowed myself to acknowledge her non-presence. I felt empty. I'd never felt more alone. I was despondent and getting bitter again. No, I'm not going to do this again. I shook my head, reinforcing my resolve, even though it felt crazy. The face I saw in the mirror was definitely mine, and one I was pretty used to, but the old sadness had returned. I went over to the transmitter. Her comlink address was still in there. I hit the button hopefully.

"Carth, I told you I can't be in touch with you." Ciara's voice said sadly. "I want to, but I can't. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you." It ended. There was nothing more. I wondered if she'd brought anyone else…

"What about you, Canderous?" Ciara asked aboard the Ebon Hawk right after the Leviathan. Of course a bloodthirsty good-for-nothing Mandalorian would stand by her. He practically worshipped Revan, especially since she happened to be female. That idiot would have to learn how to keep his libido in check. It was disgusting. What was it to me what he thought?

"Whatever you are fighting, it will be worthy of my skill." I wished Canderous would stop blowing his own horn. "I'm your man until the end, Revan, no matter how this plays out." Was he hitting on her? I wanted to yell in protest.

"I'm your man, Ciara! I already promised to protect you. I think I love you!" I swore I said it, but my lips weren't moving. I was mortified. I'd better shut up for a while. A long while. I mused.

The restoration effort on Taris was going a lot slower than the one on Telos. At least some rich folks were starting to buy land on the surface on Telos, but no one wanted to touch Taris. And she wanted to come here; she thought it was home. I sighed. Maybe it just seemed longer since she was gone. I'd enjoyed Taris for the first time when she was here.

"She'll be back, Carth." Mission said softly.

"How do you know?" I asked. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I'm a proud man, I can't cry, especially not in front of Mission. Maybe she knows something. Ever since she and Ciara met, they hit it off. I remembered those two giggling like a couple of schoolgirls aboard the Hawk. Ciara must've been twice Mission's age, but she could act a lot younger without compromising her aura of maturity. Sometimes Mission would wander over from the starboard quarters to hang with Ciara in the port quarters. They'd play Pazaak and chat, even with that filthy blanket in there.

"What stinks?" I demanded, running out of the cockpit toward something that smelled worse than a herd of wild banthas.

"Ciara found a blanket." Mission explained, her nose wrinkled. "I think she took it out of the krayt dragon's guts."

"Krayt dragon?" I demanded. Apparently I'd missed quite a bit by being stuck on the ship. "Those things are dangerous!"

"Yeah, we know." Mission sighed. "It doesn't stop her though."

"I'm convinced she stole it from the Sand People." Canderous ventured. He was never too quick with these conversations. I rolled my eyes.

"I figured she of all people would adopt something that disgusting." I shot a quick look at Canderous. "Where is she?"

"Sleeping in the port quarters." Bastila explained. "She just fought Darth Bandon and probably needs a good –" I didn't feel like listening to her, so I left, suppressing the urge to tell Bastila where to stuff it.

I walked into the port quarters where I knew she liked to sleep. She'd curled up on her usual bunk – the one closest to the door – with a horribly ugly brown blanket around her, but she was fast asleep. There was no way I could be upset with her when she looked that innocent. Instead of kicking myself for going soft, I adjusted the ventilation systems so the smell wouldn't circulate around the Hawk. When she woke up and left the blanket there, Mission and I tried to wash the ghastly thing in the fresher. It still stank, but less. When Ciara took over piloting for me later, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept in days and the food on the Hawk wasn't really worth eating. I knew she'd be up all night, so I allowed myself to collapse on the bed with the horrible blanket, somewhat intrigued by it. I instantly knew why she'd kept it: it was, despite its stench, the most comfortable blanket I'd ever slept with. It was warm, soft, just thick enough, and gave a sense of comfort. The stench of half-digested bantha fodder was slowly being replaced with something lighter. I recognized the smell, but only placed it as I fell asleep. It was the way her hair smelled after running around on Dantooine. She'd let it loose over her shoulders, not back like it usually was, when we were walking to let the wind dry it after she fell, trying to retrieve a vibroblade that had fallen in a stream. It was classic slapstick Ciara. She managed to get the vibroblade, but when she fell in she splashed water on Bastila, which gave her extra points in my book. When her hair was loose like that, it didn't dry beautifully, but it smelled like fresh air. When did I get so poetic? I'm a soldier, not a poet. I tried to convince myself that sleeping with her blanket was not as comforting to me as it seemed, but I fell asleep just after giving up.

We plodded along in restoring Taris. I zoned out most of the time. I guess I could have tried to keep everyone going, like Ciara did, but I was no good at it. I didn't feel like replacing her. My thoughts were interrupted by Griff's increasingly annoying shrill voice.

"Look, Mission, I promise this is the last time, but I found the recipe for Tarisian ale!" He exclaimed, running out of what remained of a Lower City cantina.

"Damn it, Griff, I told you no more!" Mission snatched the datapad from his hand and he grabbed at it. She was getting to be at the end of her rope with him.

"I'm not letting you run my life, sis!" Griff exclaimed, pushing her against the wall and trying to restrain her so he could get the datapad.

"I'm not letting you ruin yours!" Mission practically spat.

"What does it matter to you?" Griff demanded, angry. "You've been bossing me around ever since you found me again! I'm sick of it!"

"You signed the contract. You can't get out of it." Mission retorted through clenched teeth. I walked away slowly. It was Ciara's place to resolve family squabbles, not mine, although I'd have loved to make those two shut up so I could think. I wasn't diplomatic about it. If they shut up my way they'd both be pretty upset at me. I don't know how she could negotiate things, I just yelled when I needed something to happen. I leaned against the wall, sitting on what was the street. It looked so different now… but it still made me remember, and memories were far better than the present for the time being.

I was stranded on a giant space dumpster with a woman I hardly knew, and she was practically giving me the third degree. At least she was almost sweet about interrogating me. I swear she batted her eyelashes at me when she asked, "Is this a good time to ask you some more questions?"

"I'm all ears, beautiful." I moved my head as though I were tossing my hair. She grinned.

"Keep addressing me like that and you might lose an ear or two." She countered, still smiling.

"A little bit touchy, are we? Is there something else you'd prefer I called you?" I laughed.

Without missing a beat, she replied, "How about 'gorgeous'? I like that better."

"I might consider it." I teased. "What are you going to call me in exchange?"

"How about 'sexist worm'?" She lifted her eyebrows.

"Is that it? You can do better than that!" I exclaimed, laughing.

"Lobotomized Gammorean!" She retorted.

"Ouch." I laughed more. I hadn't laughed so much for a long time. "That is better. Well, I bet 'beautiful' doesn't sound so bad in comparison now, does it?"

She joined me in laughing. "You are such a pain, you know that?" She smiled. She looked slightly fond of me, but I convinced myself that it was in my head.

"Guilty as charged." I smiled.

I smiled slightly at the memory of her, but it had already begun to fade. It felt like she'd left years ago, but it couldn't have been that long. I pulled a datapad out of my pocket. It had a note on its first screen: "Look at this as often as necessary. You'll need to be able to recognize me when you pick me up at the dock. Love, Ciara" I touched the screen, smiling. The fact that she was so optimistic about this helped me. I looked briefly at the pictures, supplied by Mission, so they weren't all terribly flattering. There were a lot of candid pictures. I liked it that way – she looked real. She'd covered all the bases.

I had to keep resigning myself to just waiting for her on a nearly daily basis. Every day I would struggle to not chase after her, which usually involved listening to her transmission at least once to talk me out of it. Time dragged slowly. I hoped she'd just return out of nowhere, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I hardly slept anymore; instead I wandered around the streets, trying to remember when things were better, even if it was when we hardly knew each other. Taris didn't smell the same, but the context reminded me of when I was last there…

"Carth?" Her tone was sweet, especially compared to the stench of the Lower City.

"Yes? What's on your mind?"

"I just want to talk with you." She replied flatly.

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow. "You want to argue some more, is that it?"

"I'm always up for a good fight." She grinned mischievously.

I laughed, surprised that she'd played off me like that. I'd never met a woman who'd tease me this much. I liked it. "Can't say I've ever met a woman quite like you before. You're really something." I sounded more pleased that I'd hoped. She looked at me expectantly, forcing me to put the conversation back on track. "I just don't trust easily, for good reasons… which are my own." I lamented, thinking of Saul and what he'd done to Telos, to my life.

"I can make you talk, Carth. Trust me." The mischievous glint in her eye persisted. I found myself laughing again.

"Well I might be willing to take you up on that challenge. But uh, you're not going to let up are you?" I lowered my voice to hide the slight embarrassment. I wasn't embarrassed to be flirting with her… why was I embarrassed? I'd flirted a thousand times before, and here I was, acting like a damn idiot. She was good at teasing me, at backing me into a corner and making me flirt my way out. Morgana never let me tease her. Why am I comparing them? I hoped she'd say something, but she only shook her head, keeping the expectant look on her face. "Fine… you want to know why I don't trust anyone? Here goes." I gave her the abridged version of Revan, Malak, and Saul turning on us. She was sympathetic. I finished with a resigned, rhetorical question I'd asked myself a thousand times, "If you can't trust the best of the Jedi, who can you trust?"

"I guess you can't." She said pensively, then looked me in the eye with sympathy. "That must have been really hard to take." Her reply caught me off guard. She wasn't teasing me, she was… she cared. It was refreshing and wonderful, but it scared me a bit.

I tried to fill the too-familiar emptiness in my life, but again, nothing worked. This time seemed worse, though. She had just healed the old wound, only to make another. I still couldn't blame her or hate her. She'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally. I pushed a few buttons on my transmitter.

"Carth, I've told you that I can't contact you." Her voice lamented. "I'm coming back, I promise. I couldn't just … leave without reason. I'm here because I have to be. As soon as I'm done, I'll be back. I love you." Static. I'd heard the transmission a thousand times. She had three slightly different ones. She knew I'd watch them repeatedly and she wanted to give me variety. I smiled. It had been a year or so since she left, and I'd found most of the messages I figured she'd left – one for our anniversary, one for my birthday, and ones for everyone else's birthdays on their comlinks. I'd never get tired of hearing her teasing others, even if it was from a different sector and recorded before she left. Whenever one of her transmissions was unlocked, the mood lightened for awhile, but it wasn't enough to cement the cracks that were forming in the crew. Mission and Griff were at each others' throats again and no one was trying to stop them anymore. Their arguing was interrupted by an incoming transmission.

"Good day," Master Vrook's voice said. "Your assignment has been updated, Admiral. Dantooine will be restored at a later date. You are to be released from your task in one standard week."

"Thank you, Master Vrook." I replied. I wanted to ask him about Ciara, but he wouldn't know anything. No one knew anything. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I turned off the comlink and turned to the small group that had gathered in the room.

"All right, we've got one week left." I began. A speech seemed appropriate. "And we should stick together as much as we can. We were able to overcome our differences before." I sounded like an idiot. Mission giggled. "Oh, come on, you know what I mean. I just can't say it right."

"I know," she smiled. "It's just really easy to irritate you."

"I wonder who gave you that idea." I muttered, sounding irritated.

"We didn't end our last discussion very well…" Ciara turned to me, exhausted and sweaty from fighting hoards of Mandalorians in the Lower Shadowlands. I couldn't tell if her tone was playful or not, but I suspected it was. She seemed like she was trying to take things lightly, but she also seemed a little sad. I knew asking how she was wouldn't get me anywhere. She was more concerned about what everyone else was going through.

"I, ahh… I'm not very good at this. I… I know I owe you an apology." I stammered, suddenly nervous. I had no idea how she'd react. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I added, "Uh, more than one, probably."

She smiled. "It's okay, I was just wondering why you got so upset."

"I was just so desperate to finally face Saul directly in the battle over Taris, and now the Jedi have us looking for these… these Star Maps. I know this mission is important, it's just… I feel a bit useless. I can fight, sure, but I'm no Jedi… all this feels completely out of my league."

"Maybe if you pull yourself together, you won't feel so useless." She raised an eyebrow.

"You don't exactly pull any punches, do you? Not that I don't deserve it." She gave me a firm look that told me not to beat up on myself. I looked away.

"Why don't you return to the front lines then?" She asked. It wasn't a suggestion; she didn't want to get rid of me. She really wanted to know.

"Because this is more important. This may really, finally, make a difference… I suppose even if I can't figure out everything that's going on; I still want to help if I can. I just hate not knowing what's going on and feeling helpless. But I shouldn't have taken that out on you. I've been a royal pain in the backside, haven't I?"

"You sure have." She smiled.

"I guess I should be at least a little pleased that I haven't lost my touch." I laughed slightly nervously.

"Don't worry about it, Carth." She was serious again. It was odd how fast she could switch between teasing and serious.

"No, I do worry about it. I've traveled the lanes more than once, I should know better than this. So… I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?" I looked up at her.

"I don't know. Maybe you should work for it a bit." Her lips twitched into a mischievous smile.

"Oh? I don't know if I like the sound of that…" I laughed. It was a relief to laugh with her again, but I didn't think I was off the hook yet.

"Don't you want me to accept your apology?" She asked innocently.

"I don't know. What am I going to have to do for it?"

"Just a little kiss. How about it?" She tilted her head to the side. I felt frozen. I'd never thought of her like—okay, maybe I had, but… we were on a mission here, and… I almost wanted to, but Jolee was there and… what if something happened… we'd only known each other… why now?

"I… heh." I laughed nervously. "I really think that we should, ah… get going." I muttered, looking at my boots.

"I was only joking, Carth, relax." She smiled. I thought I imagined a look of disappointment cross her eyes.

"I'm sorry… I'm glad things are better between us now. We should… we should go."

It was easy now to look back and kick myself for things I hadn't done, like kissed her on Kashyyyk. I often wondered what it would have been like, but figured it was all for the best or something. I tried to keep myself from moping too much. I didn't want it to weigh me down. After we were released, we traveled to Kashyyyk to reunite Zaalbar with his father. Mission was slowly assuming Ciara's old role as the witty leader. She did a good job at it, too. On Kashyyyk's dock, Canderous pulled me aside.

"Bastila, Shan, and I are going to go to Dxun." He said simply. "I have to reunite the Mandalorian clans."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "You guys are free to do whatever you want."

"I figured you might want to contact us sometime." Canderous laughed. "Besides, if Bastila senses Ciara needs help, we can go help her. And if that ever happens, I plan on having a damn huge army of Mandalorians to back me up."

"Am I not invited?" I laughed a little.

"You're leading the charge, you Republic idiot." Canderous grinned. "Nothing would convince you to do anything else. Take care." He thumped me on the back.

"You too." I returned the pat on the back, hugged Bastila, and waved goodbye to Shan, who replied in kind. We watched as they vanished on the dock with their things, ready to start their new lives.

"So, our fearless leader, where should we go next?" I asked Mission, trying to be cheerful.

"You're in charge, Admiral." She retorted.

"You know where I'd take us." I replied seriously.

"And you know what she'd do if you did." Mission looked at me sternly. She was barely taller than Ciara, but could corner me just as well.

I never thought someone half my size would be able to corner me and hold me in one place like she could. I'd been on the ship most of the time she was on Tatooine, but she'd brought me along to deal with some of the loose ends. That's what she said, anyway. She cornered me the instant we were alone.

"You've been watching me very closely as of late. Why is that?"

"Oh. I hadn't thought you'd noticed…" I tried not to blush. She wasn't accusing me of anything… yet.

"Do you think I'm blind?" She laughed. "If you were any more obvious, your eyes would fall out of your head."

"Err…" I blushed. "I'm not that bad, am I?"

"Not bad for a monkey-lizard, no." She winked. "Not bad at all."

"Damn it, woman, if you keep hounding me I'm going to put you over my knee and teach you a lesson!" I cried. She knew exactly how to get me a little irritated, but not lose my temper. Her manner was growing on me. I supposed I'd always enjoyed her company, but I liked the way she teased me more and more.

"Is that a promise?" She asked playfully. I thought back to her asking for a kiss on Kashyyyk.

"Oh no, I'm not even going there, sister." I replied quickly. I wasn't sure I could deal with this, not until I had my revenge with Saul. Revenge would give me the closure I needed.

"You love the attention, admit it." She grinned.

"I could get the same kind of attention from a blaster rifle." I retorted.

"Trust me, I could do things to you that a blaster rifle couldn't." She winked.

"You've got my head on backwards, dammit!" I cried after stuttering desperately. "At any rate, I wasn't ogling you. I've just been admiring you."

"Which is a nicer way of saying the same thing…" She smiled. "It's alright. I don't mind if you watch me."

"Well why didn't you tell me that sooner? You would have saved me a lot of trouble." I laughed. "I've been watching you in action. Your skills… you have a natural talent that is incredible." I thought I saw her blush. She'd always been so confident about things.

When Juhani described the Jedi as being god-like, Ciara had said, "Damn right, I DO look divine." Was this the same small woman blushing when I told her she had a natural talent?

"Not that, ah, all I do is watch you or anything. I don't mean anything by it." I added quickly.

"Oh?" She lifted an eyebrow. "Any other observations?" Now this was the woman I was used to.

"Maybe a few." I admitted, grinning. "I hope you won't mind if I keep those to myself." Before she could answer, I added, "I will say one thing, however. We've come a long way with your help. Whether it's the Force or fate or just dumb luck… I'm glad you're here. We probably would have never made it this far without you. I… should have said this long before, instead of doubting you. I, ah, hope you can forgive me."

"That was rather like pulling teeth." She smiled sweetly. "You already apologized once, Carth." Her eyes looked more serious.

"And you accepted it… but that doesn't mean I'm forgiven. I'd like to be." I felt like I was pleading more than I should. I looked her right in the eye, noticing how red her hair was from the sand in it. Her skin was bronzed for the same reason. Her robes were covered in sand, but she didn't seem to mind being that dirty. I was glad I'd stayed aboard the Hawk. I'm not afraid of getting dirty, but I'm not keen on sand in weird places. I wanted to touch her face, as if to tell her what I'd been thinking about. We'd retrieved four Star Maps, and I finally felt like I would have a future. I knew she'd help me defeat Saul when I got the chance and keep me from dying there, and I wanted to thank her. I almost wanted to admit that I wanted to give her that kiss on Kashyyyk, that I admired her courage and forthrightness most of all.

"Why do you need my forgiveness, anyway?" She asked. I smiled.

"Because you're an impressive and beautiful woman. In some ways… good ways… you remind me of my wife and I'd like to make things right between us." I explained. It was the best I could do to express that I felt like I was falling for her without saying too much. She looked puzzled.

"You think I'm beautiful?" Her voice was small and serious. The adorable insecurity returned.

"I'll take that as a yes." I laughed. "I'm glad that's settled. Shall we… shall we get back to reuniting Bastila and her mother?" I hoped that focusing her on what we had to do would keep her from asking about the "beautiful" comment while I thought of a good answer.

When I'd thought of a good answer, it was no time for declarations. We were being pulled in to the Leviathan. I was going to tell her everything. As much as I was figuring out how I'd get my revenge on Saul while we were in the tractor beam, I knew she'd help me. I knew I'd live past it if she were there. And then, right before he died, Saul told me.

"Your friend, the Jedi… She's Revan." Saul coughed. "You didn't know, did you?" He laughed.

Killing him wouldn't ease the pain. He died right there in front of me. I turned around, furious.

"You knew!" I cried to Bastila. Revan looked puzzled. I couldn't bring myself to look at her for long. When Malak told her, I couldn't help but glance at her face, expecting to see the calm expression she usually wore but fearing an expression of evil and power.

She was trying to retain her composure, but she looked rigid and fragile. She was standing up straight (a habit she'd probably developed to look others in the eye), but it was more forced than usual. Her face – her face was horrified. I could see the whites of her eyes all around her irises. Her mouth was agape. Her chin trembled and she bit her lip, slowly bringing her shaking hands up to her mouth.

"No," she whispered. "I can't be…" She closed her eyes slowly. Her eyes darted behind her eyelids. I couldn't stop watching her. When her eyes opened again, tears were welled up in them. She calmly asked Bastila questions, ignoring Malak's attempts to egg her on. "I understand, Bastila. You did what you had to do." She said at last. She was trying so hard to sound convinced, but I could tell that she felt broken. I tried to be angry with her on the Hawk, but it didn't work. She was distraught, but tried so hard to maintain her composure.

I wasn't surprised when she lost it on the Rakata planet. I was only surprised she'd lasted that long.

"I need time to think." She said, more demanding than normal as she snatched a towel and some clean clothes. "I need to come to terms."

"I've forgiven you!" I pleaded, running after her.

"I haven't forgiven me." She replied. "I need to do that before we go."

"You can't go swimming!" I exclaimed. "You don't know what's out there!"

"I need to clear my mind." She ran off before I could argue.

I sat down on the floor. Damn, she was stubborn. "Hey, the stabilizers are working again." Mission called. "You should go tell Ciara."

"What makes you think I know where she is?" I sighed, standing up.

"You know better than the rest of us." Mission smiled. I took a towel and ran out on the beach, following the trail of small footprints until they went into the water. I saw her floating on her back a little ways out. I tried calling to her, but she wasn't answering. I had no choice. I stripped down to my underwear and went in after her. I swam determinedly, hoping she wasn't dead. When I got close, she moved so quickly I could have blinked and missed it. She looked at me angrily. I had startled her.

"If it's so dangerous, what are you doing out here?" She frowned at me, treading water.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me." I moved up beside her.

"I'm not mad, I'm just capable of doing things on my own." She pushed a button. It was the gizmo from Manaan that had left trails of dead sharks. I smiled.

"You're smarter than I give you credit for. Now get out of there. We need you on the Hawk. We're ready to go." I swam back to shore after her.

"CARTH!" Mission practically yelled in my ear. I jolted, sitting up on the sofa I'd been lounging on. "I swear, you spend too much time spacing out."

"I'm not… what?" I asked, still thinking about the way firaxa kind of looked like stars when they were belly-up. Mission hit me soundly on the head.

"If you'd been LISTENING, you'd have known that we found something."

"Mmm-hmm." I nodded absent-mindedly.

"Do you even know what PLANET we're on?" Mission sighed.

"Telos." I replied quickly. "I'm not that out of it. I'm just… it's been so long."

"And that's why you should listen." Mission leaned down and looked me straight in the eye. "I think I found something that might interest you." I sighed. "No, really. I think I found her."

(standard disclaimer goes here...) Thanks to all reviewers! You people rule!

a.n. : Since the time warp of five years was a bit much, I decided to do a couple of interlude chapters. I hope you enjoyed the narrator shift... I apologize for taking so long in updating, but I don't want to constantly re-post things like I have been... so hopefully this is final.