23. Nightmares

"You did what?" I demanded, leaping to my feet. "Where is she? Is she alive? Is she all right?"

"Okay, okay, calm down." Mission tried reassuring me, but she knew that I wasn't one for talk, so she started running to her computer. "See this signature? It's a datapad I fiddled with on the Hawk once when I was bored. I was looking through the files I had stashed on this thing, hoping I could clear up some space, and I found this." She hit a button and a very legal-looking document appeared:

I, CIARA REVAN ORION ONASI, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament, revoking all prior Wills and Codicils.

"Creepy, isn't it?" Mission turned to me. "But she covered pretty much everything. If you look through the legal mumbo-jumbo…" she scrolled around, searching. I caught a few words about leaving her stuff to me and her credits to Dustil and Mission, but the fact that she'd written a will was jarring enough that I wasn't paying too much attention. What the hell is a codicil? How did she find that word? "Here's a part I think you'll find interesting: 'Should I be expected to die for any reason, I wish to be transported immediately to Citadel Station on Telos to be with my husband. If this is not possible due to an emergency situation, I request that my remains be transported to him and my will executed immediately.'"

"So...?" I asked.

"Didn't she promise you she'd come back?" Mission smiled. "It's in her will. She's LEGALLY coming back."

"I don't want her to come back like that." I looked at the computer. "You said you found her though, not her will."

"Right," Mission went back to the console. "I stumbled upon her will while I was looking through the files. Out of curiosity, I checked the last time the document was updated. Look at this." She pointed at the timestamp.

"That's—" I began.

"Only a few days ago." Mission looked at me. "Which means that datapad is with her or it was within the week."

"Where is she? Can you track where it is?" I asked, getting antsy.

"I can't." Mission sighed. "But I'm not done. I searched for some other stuff, and I found the Hawk. She doesn't have it anymore."

"How do you know?"

"It's on Nar Shadaa." Mission replied.

"She is attracted to trash planets." I smiled. "So how did you find her?"

"Well, she's not on the Hawk, so out of blind curiosity I tried tracking the signature on her comlink." She pulled up a screen that showed a crude map of the galaxy. I instantly found Telos. A speck across the screen flickered. Mission pointed at it. "That's where her comlink is. I've got a gut feeling that it's in her pocket."

"It's not on the Hawk," I mused. "Can you get any more specific on where she is?"

"Nope." Mission said sadly. "She's in virtually uncharted space."

"Now what do we do?" I asked.

"It's up to you, Admiral. I'll keep an eye on her." Mission saluted. I rolled my eyes.

"Cut it out, kid." I went to bed. That night, I dreamt for the first time since she left. It had been three years.

I looked up at the sky to see an all-too familiar sight: Sith troops attacking my home world. I fought the initial wave of panic and tried to be rational. I had to find them – my wife and son. "Have you seen Dustil?" I asked my friend Jordo as he ran by.

"No." Jordo replied quickly. "You'd better get out of here, Onasi."

"I can't!" I called. "Not until I find them!" I ran up to my small house and threw open the door. No one was home. "Dustil!" I screamed until I was hoarse. I got a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. I turned around and went outside. A crumpled figure lay lifeless just outside the door. A lock of brown hair was just visible. "It can't be…" I whispered, falling to my knees. I pulled her body up against mine, rocking the small figure in my arms. "No," I repeated over and over again. "Medic!" I yelled as loudly as I could. "I can't just let you die."

"You… you have to." A small voice croaked. I pulled a hood back from her face.

"No, Ciara, NO!" I cried.

I awoke in a cold sweat, panicked. I was used to the empty bed, but I never realized how much her presence reassured me. She was essential to this new man I'd become. Hell, she was the reason for it. If she hadn't left, she'd make me feel better. She'd listen to me and… thinking about what she would do was only making it worse. I wondered if the dream had any significance, and I felt like I needed to talk to someone, so I rushed to the Ordos' apartment and pounded on the door. I knew asking the blinking speck would only give me one of Ciara's three canned lectures. She didn't leave me one along the lines of, "It was a dream. I'm alive and coming home. Go back to bed." This was a conversation I had to have with a person, face-to-face. Bastila would have to do.

"Do you know what time it is?" Canderous asked groggily.

"I don't care. I need to talk to Bastila." I insisted. "It's about Ciara."

"She's back?" Canderous asked.

"No," I sighed. "I had a dream. I need to talk to Bastila." I repeated. Bastila appeared at the door, as if on cue. I'd never seen her disheveled before, but I'd never woken her up in the wee hours of the morning either.

"What is it, Carth?" She asked, motioning me in. Canderous wandered back to bed.

"I had a dream… that I was on Telos when it was being attacked, only this time," I paused, searching for the words. "This time it was Ciara that I held while she died."

"I'm sorry." Bastila said sleepily.

"That's it?" I demanded. "That's all you'll say?"

"What did you want me to say?"

"Is she all right? Is this a vision, or… or… can you tell me if she's okay?" I blurted.

"She's alive, as far as I can tell." Bastila replied after a moment of reflection. "I'm sure you'd be able to feel it if she were gone."

"But this is the closest I've felt to that… that emptiness." I argued.

"Yes," Bastila mused. "I can feel her through the Force, but she's faint."

"Is she dying?" I asked. I wasn't feeling rational.

"No, but she's in a… a horribly cold place. She's very far away, but alive." Bastila shuddered and lost the distant look she got when trying to contact Ciara. "Try to find her through the Force."

"I can't." I insisted. "I've tried." Bastila shook her head.

"Carth," She looked me in the eye boldly. "You may not believe it, but you have a bond with her that is greater than the one she and I shared when I saved her life. If you concentrate, you can feel her through the Force." I was confused. I'd never been Force sensitive. But you know what she's talking about. You've felt it. "It's because it's her." She clarified. "Now concentrate." I closed my eyes. The nightmare clouded my thoughts. I cried out for her mentally. It was fruitless. I was alone in what felt like vast cold emptiness. I felt a twinge of fear. She's here somewhere. I thought I saw something move, so I focused on it. It was a faint strand of white. It was behaving like smoke, but it wasn't. I tried to move toward it, but I felt frozen in place. It was obviously fruitless. I opened my eyes, frustrated.

"I can't do this." I stood up and headed to the door.

"You just did." Bastila replied. "She's a different case from most people; she doesn't want to be contacted." I left abruptly without saying goodbye.

"Then why does she carry her com?" I said aloud while walking back to my apartment. I went to the console and brought up the screen that was tracking her. I couldn't find the blinking dot. She's gone. I hit the console desperately. I was losing it. An incoming transmission interrupted my quiet coaxing to get the dot to come back.

"Admiral Onasi, Citadel Station is under attack!"

"What?" I asked quietly.

"The Sith are attacking Telos." Was I awake? I bit my lip hard and winced at the pain. I was definitely not dreaming this time. "The TSF is holding them off, but we might need your help."

"Send a squad of fighters out to fend off their fleet." I said calmly. "I'll get to headquarters as soon as I can." If I don't focus on saving Telos, I'll never see her again. I ran to Fleet headquarters and took my mostly decorative admiral pose.

"The invasion's been overwhelmed by a Jedi, Admiral." An officer reported. "She's the same Jedi that was involved in the destruction of Peragus."

"Is her ship docked on the Station?" I asked, remembering that she'd flown the Ebon Hawk.

"Yes, sir."

"Tell her I'd like to meet with her." I looked out the window at the Telosian fleet taking the Sith out.

I knew you could do it, Carth.

I whirled around, startled. I swore I'd just heard Ciara, but she was still gone. I shook my head. I was imagining it. I knew she'd be proud of me, so I remembered her saying that. But it sounded so real…

The door opened and the familiar sound of Jedi boots was behind me. I didn't turn around.

"You requested an audience with me, Admiral?" A female voice asked.

"Yes, General. I had to ask about your ship." I replied, unable to face the woman. There was only one female Jedi I wanted to meet with and looking at this one would only solidify her absence.

"The Ebon Hawk?"

"She was Revan's ship." I said quietly. "You came to Telos with her ship, her droids, and without her." I turned to her.

"You… knew her?" The woman was taller than Revan, which wasn't saying much.

"I served with her in the Jedi Civil War." I began. "We were aboard the Endar Spire when it was attacked. We escaped Taris before the Sith demolished it, saving Bastila from some swoop gangs. The Jedi Council 'trained' Revan again, and sent the lot of us in search of these Star Maps that would lead us to the Star Forge, where we defeated Malak." I explained briefly. "After a little while back in the real world, she left. She just up and left one day for the unknown regions, leaving us – me – to deal with it. It hasn't been easy. She said she couldn't take anyone she loved. There's just this… this emptiness where she used to be."

"Could she be dead?" The woman ventured.

"No." I insisted. "I'd know if she were… she's not dead." I took a moment to regain my composure. I hated thinking about the possibility that Ciara was dead, because I really wasn't convinced of my own words. The Jedi picked up on it too. "Are you going out there… to the unknown regions?" I asked softly.

"I intend to." Her tone was businesslike. What did you expect, she's a general. "Do you want me to tell you what I find?"

"No." I replied shortly. "If… if you see Revan, tell her that Carth Onasi is waiting for her." I turned around again to say goodbye. The general saluted.

"Thanks, Admiral." She smiled.

"Thank you, General." I returned the salute. When the door closed behind her, I practically collapsed in my desk chair. I pulled the datapad out of a drawer and looked at her picture again. You'd better get yourself back here soon, gorgeous. I took a deep breath to quell the flood of emotions. I stuffed the datapad in my pocket and marched out of my door. "I'm taking the rest of the day off." I told the receptionist, not bothering with a salute or anything. May as well live up to my reputation as moody.

"The speck's still gone." Mission said before I could ask. "Do you think she's…"

"NO!" I cried. "I'd know if she were dead." I hated this conversation, and I'd only had it twice.

"Calm down, sonny." Jolee walked up to me.

"Where did you come from?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter. You need to sit down and eat something." He practically shoved me onto a sofa. "You're going to kill yourself by wasting away waiting for her."

Jolee and Mission forced me to ingest half Jolee's harvest of salad greens, not to mention meat and fruits. I felt like an oversaturated Hutt that had eaten an overstuffed Wookiee.

"How do you feel now?" Jolee asked.

"Like I ate a herd of banthas." I moaned.

"See? You can think about her without starving yourself." Jolee chuckled. "She always loved comparing things to banthas… Now get some rest." Before I could argue, Jolee stuck me with a needle and everything went black.

I regained my vision slowly. It was a very bright day, and I felt anxious. I could smell the ocean. I was on the Rakatan world, standing outside the Hawk with Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, and the droids. Two familiar figures came around a rock outcropping. I recognized them immediately and smiled with joy. "Bastila! You're alive! I was worried about you. For a minute there I was sure we'd never see you again once Malak got his…" Something wasn't right. "Wait a minute. Where are Juhani and Jolee? Are they okay? What happened inside that temple?"

"I went over to the dark side, Carth. That's what happened." A steely cold voice replied.

"What… what are you talking about?" I stammered. I looked at Ciara in disbelief. This couldn't be happening.

"The Jedi Council has failed, Carth – Darth Revan has been reborn! Together we will destroy Malak and seize control of his fleet, then use it to crush the Republic!" Bastila cried savagely. "Juhani and Jolee would not swear loyalty to the new ruler of the Sith. They died for their foolishness. Now swear loyalty to Darth Revan, or face your own death!"

"No, you can't mean that! This… this isn't you!" I was frantic. This had to be a sick joke. "You're not Revan, I know it!"

"Does it matter who I am?" She asked in her usual saucy tone. "I have joined the dark side." Hearing her use her normal voice to say Revan's words was chilling.

"You've got to resist it! This isn't you talking… we…" I looked around at the others. "We can help you, we can find a way—"

Bastila clicked her tongue mockingly. "My, my. I think the sad fool may actually be in love with you, Revan."

"How sad." Revan said flatly. "I guess we don't have a future, do we?" She laughed coldly. "Don't resist me, Carth, or I'll be forced to destroy you." I couldn't believe that there would have been a time that I would have yearned to hear those words, only with her body pressed against mine rather than that tone which made me feel like she had a vibroblade held to my throat. I tried to slap her across the face, hoping to knock sense into her, but I had no control over my movements. I was trapped in this alternate reality; I could only watch. It was torture. I couldn't look away or plug my ears.

"Wait, Lord Revan." Bastila held up her hand. "Carth speaks only for himself – he does not speak for the others. He may find he stands alone here! The droids will continue to serve you, Revan – they are programmed to obey their master. And there may be others who will choose to join us. The Republic is doomed, Revan has returned!" She proclaimed joyfully. "Who will now swear loyalty to the second coming of the Dark Lord?"

"You're Revan and I'll follow you anywhere." Canderous grinned. "It doesn't matter who you're fighting against. I'll be at your side. Mandalorians don't have any great love for the Republic anyway. Light side, dark side – it doesn't make any difference to me, Revan. I'll stick by you no matter what comes." He was such a kiss-ass. It figured that the horny … I can't be angry. I have to save her!

"I saw what the Sith did to Taris – anyone who serves the dark side is evil!" Mission cried. "Big Z and I are with Carth on this one!"

"No, Mission." Zaalbar interrupted. "I am bound by the oath of my life-debt. I… I must stand with Revan."

"Zaalbar – Revan's a Sith! Just like Malak! It's not a betrayal if you break your life-debt now!" Mission argued.

"If I go back on my vow I am betraying myself, my people, and my ancestors. I cannot do that. Please, Mission – join us." Zaalbar was very conflicted. I realized that I could understand him, even though I didn't speak Wookiee, but it didn't make the scene any less horrifying.

"No, Zaalbar. I don't care! I won't help the Sith against the Republic! Not for anything! Not even for you!" Mission cried.

"I see now it was a mistake to let you go into that temple. I of all people should have seen this coming. First Saul Karath, and now you… I mean, I should be an expert on betrayal by now! Nothing you can say or do can make me betray the Republic. I won't join you, and I won't just stand aside and let you become ruler of the Sith again, Revan!" I spat.

"Then I guess it's time for you to die." Revan said icily. I longed for her to kill me there to stop the pain of yet another betrayal, but I wanted to live, to help the Republic…

"I… I'll find a way to save you, I swear! I won't give up on you… no matter what!" I proclaimed. I saw an evil glint in her eye and could only fear what it meant. I didn't care what happened to me, but Mission was just a kid. She had to make it somehow. "Run for it, Mission!" I cried. Mission didn't move.

"No – this isn't happening! It can't be happening!" Mission wailed.

"You should have run when you had the chance, Mission." Revan's steel voice sliced through the humid air.

"No! I'm not going to just stand aside and do nothing! You'll… you'll just have to kill me, but I don't think you will. I don't believe you've gone over to the dark side, not totally. I don't think you'll kill me, not if I don't attack you first." I wanted to cry out to Mission, to warn her that this was Revan she was dealing with, but I was trapped and unable to control what I said or did.

"I won't kill you," A hint of Ciara's warm compassion leaked through. "But Zaalbar will, if I tell him to."

"I have sworn a life-debt to you, Revan. I will serve you as long as I draw breath. I will not break my vow, but you cannot ask me to turn on my best friend." Zaalbar pleaded.

"Looks like you'll have to do your own dirty work, Revan – if you've got the guts!" Mission challenged. I tried pleading Mission to retract the challenge. I know Ciara would have gladly answered a challenge worded like that, but she wouldn't have killed Mission. Revan would. I knew it.

"You swore a life-debt to me, Zaalbar! You'll do as I say!" Revan demanded.

"I have no choice. The life-debt is greater than any single life, it is a solemn vow of all my people, I cannot break it, not even for you." Zaalbar lamented. "Forgive me, Mission."

"Zaalbar, what are you saying? Revan can't force you to do anything you don't want to!" Mission insisted, but the Wookiee was charging her. "It's me, Big Z – Mission!" Her tone grew more desperate.

"Mission, forgive me!" Zaalbar yowled.

"Please, Zaalbar, don't do this! Please, NO!" Mission screamed. Zaalbar swatted her across the face hard, breaking her neck. She collapsed on the beach, a small cloud of sand rising from where her body hit. I blacked out.

I rehearsed what I was going to say to her on the small fighter on the way to the Star Forge. Blood beat in my head. I could feel when she killed Malak. I got my senses together and tried to keep my cool while I waited in the hangar.

"Carth!" She cried. "How did you get here?" Was she back? My heart leapt.

"It doesn't matter. You have to listen to me!" I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, but it's too late." She looked… devastated. Her eyes glinted yellow and her bronze lightsaber's glow was the last thing I saw.

"It's never too –" I felt the burn from the blade on my face, making a diagonal cut through my eye. I felt another slash in my gut before I fell down, feeling the cold of death surrounding me.

I thought I'd had nightmares before, but I almost had a heart attack after that one. I was surprised that I was still alive. I was gasping for air, as if a group of Dark Jedi all did their choke thing to me at the same time. I ran to the fresher and vomited for a good half an hour. When I finally felt halfway decent, I pulled on some grubby clothes and sipped some tea tentatively.

This was it, the last straw. I'm going after you, Ciara. I don't give a damn what you told me; I promised I'd protect you. I'm not going to be useless anymore. I'm pulling myself together. You said there was room for me in your future, so scoot over.