Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found on my profile page.
"GeroffmeIwannasleep," grumbled Sarah, pulling the covers over her head. Alana, who was patiently poking her with a spork, looked far more awake then she had any right to be so early in the morning.
"Sue'll be waking up soon. Get up." Sarah only grunted. Shaking her head, Alana retrieved her water bottle, and without mercy, dumped the majority of the contents on Sarah's head.
Grumbling furiously, the pair were ready when Legolas came to retrieve Melody for no apparent reason (other then the painfully obvious intent of the author to set them up as a couple later on). Bored, they watched the two argue for a bit.
"Look, just hurry up and get ready. Everyone's waiting."
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"Can you just hurry up and get ready!"
"I am ready." He looked her over, this was not very suitable clothing.
"Very well then." He turned around and walked away. Melody, watching him go, started after him.
"Y'know, maybe if you went such an &#$ to me in first place, things might be a bit diffierent," she said, finally catching up to him.
"What the hell? As far as I can see, she's the one being a bitch," commented Sarah.
"What does diffierent mean?" muttered Alana bitterly. She hated these fics when the Sues acted like Legolas was a spoilt brat, when really they were the ones being idiots.
"I highly doubt that," he grumbled.
"Oh really?"
"Really."
"Prove it," Melody said, stopping in her tracks. Legolas stopped and looked at her.
"What? You can't prove that!"
"Exactly."
"Exactly what?"
"Exactly MY point, you can't prove that things might have been different." Legolas was about to say something, and then stopped. She DID have a point.
"No she doesn't," snarled Alana. "The little brat is making him think that. She's making about as much sense as the Queen of Hearts."
"Or a Mary-Sue," added Sarah helpfully. Alana only snorted in response, following Melody and Legolas. "What does 'cathc up', mean?" wondered Sarah aloud as Legolas did just that. It was rather painful to watch.
"I don't want to see the council," Alana said in a low voice as they took a hidden seat in the bushes. "The Sues always try to put in their useless opinions that nobody would care about if they didn't bewitch them with the Sue magic." Sarah rummaged in her pack, triumphantly pulling out some dried fruit and granola bars.
"Breakfast?" she offered. Alana accepted gratefully, while Sarah set about getting the best possible view of Frodo.
When the men of Gondor where going on about her as if she some whore, Alana took out her knife, furiously sharpening it. "Never mind that only Boromir is supposed to be at the council, and that men of Gondor are noble and honourable, unlike you," she hissed under her breath. Sarah settled for shaking her head disbelievingly. Poor Boromir was obviously under the Mary-Sue's spell, and didn't want to be staring at Melody in the way she was forcing him to.
The council was wonderfully short, thanks to the godawful fic that they currently had the misfortune to be in, and lasted from Legolas's line… "The ring must be destroyed!" until the end. When Frodo volunteered to take the ring, Alana could practically feel her partner beaming next to her, and she looked at her quizzically.
"Frodo's so brave," explained Sarah, and Alana nodded knowingly.
"A Frodo fangirl?"
Sarah nodded, thinking back to when Alana had commented on Melody not messing with Faramir or Gimli. "You're a Faramir girl?" Alana nodded in affirmation.
"Although Gondor men in general are wonderful. Boromir's such a realistic person. And I've always had a sort of thing for Gimli." Sarah looked mildly surprised to hear words like that coming from Alana.
"Good to meet a Gimli fangirl," she commented.
"Sssssh, look at Elrond," said Alana, pointing at Lord Half-Elven. He was behaving very strangely… he was twitching slightly, and a rather tense look was on his face. "He's fighting it!" exclaimed Alana in a whisper.
"You go Elrond!"
He finally choked out "Lady Melody will also be joining you on your journey." Sarah heaved a sigh; it was too good to hope that he would overcome it.
"I don't think that is such a good idea," Boromir said, "It is too dangerous for a woman."
"Why do they always make Boromir out to be this woman-hating bastard?" demanded Sarah.
Alana shook her head, muttering, "I'll have her scalp soon," over and over.
"I can't take this anymore… let's leave," begged Sarah.
"It's almost over," said Alana grimly, taking out her CAD once more and pointing it at Boromir.
Boromir. Human. Canon. Out of Character 93.8
When Elrond announced that the departure of the Fellowship would be the following day, the agents shook their heads disbelievingly, although they were both thankful that the wretched business of the council was over.
"What happened to that month-long delay of planning the damn trip?" muttered Alana, adding a note to her list of charges.
"Sues have no concept of time," Sarah said, stating the obvious.
"Indeed they don't."
The pair followed Melody from a short distance behind. Suddenly, they saw (along with Mary-Sue), eight elves fighting 4 of the Nazgul. They both cheered wildly when one very wise Dark Rider seemed to see the Sue for what she was, and stabbed her. Of course, the Sue would take it as some stupid new addition to her plot, but anyone semi-bright (or not under the Mary-Sue's spell) could see that the Nazgul were simply not fooled by her.
When Melody woke up from her ridiculous swoon, her conversation was no less inane then everything else in the story, and the agents cringed as Elrond called her 'my dear' twice. But nothing could remotely resemble Sarah's rage when the hobbits came in, and Frodo hugged her. "He's met her once!" It was a mark of how upset she was when she began using multiple punctuation marks. "Why the hell would he hug her! He's not a little kid, just because of his size; she's possessed him with her Sue powers, he wouldn't hug her, he wouldn't hug her, that little b-" Alana clapped a hand over Sarah's mouth, as Melody looked over her shoulder oddly, and then shrugged.
Alana gave Sarah a warning look, and then removed her hand. Sliding down the wall, Sarah miserably wrapped her arms around her legs. Alana could see how her partner had had a mental breakdown- while she obviously wasn't the shrieking, drooling, fangirl type, she was plainly very protective. Feeling a sudden surge of sympathy, she dug in her pack, pulling out a bottle of bleeprin (which was now frequently distributed among PPC staff). Bleeprin, owing to it being a combination of brain bleach and aspirin, was most often used to cleanse an awful image from the mind. However, it often did just as well in such cases as these, and she offered the bottle to Sarah.
The two unwillingly watched Melody have a picnic with the hobbits, and have another useless, OOC (for the poor elf prince) argument with Legolas, both cracking up when she stated that patience is a virture three different times, and left with the vague feeling that the author thought that a virtue was in fact, a virture.
"Got the remote activator?" asked Sarah. She loved Rivendell, but she wanted to get this mission over with. Alana nodded, and took it out of her pocket.
"I like to keep it handy," she explained. Fiddling with it, she finally opened a portal into the next day, and the two agents stepped grimly through it.
Melody was there in the morning ("another one for the charge list, why don't any of these Sues seem to know that the Fellowship left at dusk," remarked Alana), being a bitch as usual. It was quickly getting very old.
She thought, as she noticed Boromir staring at her again. Usually, she was very cheerful in the morning, but she hated it when guys looked at her as if she were eye candy. Plus, she didn't like Boromir, she didn't like him in the book, and she didn't like him now. She got the wrong kind of vibe from him.
"Hey, Boromir. Earth to Bo, earth to Bo!" Boromir blinked, then looked at her again
"That little…" Alana muttered a furious stream of curses, varying from 'spawn of Ungoliant' to 'little non-existent bastard Mary-Sue'. Sarah settled for flicking a pebble at Melody, not being as attached to the men of Gondor as Alana was. It didn't mean that she didn't hold Boromir in the highest respect however. Sure, he had been attracted to the ring, but who wasn't? He was tempted by its power, but he had finally rejected it in the end, and died saving Merry and Pippin. Melody and her 'bad vibe' could go to hell.
Now that she thought about it, the ring was pretty. As a PPC agent, she wasn't technically supposed to be attracted to the ring's power but… it was pretty. And goldy coloured. "Shiny," she said aloud, catching sight of it under Frodo's shirt (never mind that she had been looking there for an entirely different reason). Alana, still furious, ignored her.
Suddenly, everything spun, and the Fellowship was walking ahead of them, an obvious distance from Rivendell. Sarah looked utterly confused. "What was that?"
"Plothole," said Alana with a roll of her eyes. Still looking mystified, Sarah shrugged, shouldering her pack and taking the lead, her eyes on a certain ring bearer.
When the Fellowship took a rest, Sarah and Alana were only too glad to. Setting their loads down where the Sue couldn't see them, they pulled out some food, and then crept up towards the Fellowship while Melody closed her eyes. Sarah was about to take a large bite into a Twinkie when Alana poked her once more with the spork. "What?" she demanded. Alana motioned towards Legolas and Sue, who were walking off.
"He's going to teach her to fight."
Melody truly proved herself the entirely typical Sue when she not only beat Legolas at fighting, but made him look like a fool as well. "You know, I just had an interesting thought on how to kill our Sue," said Sarah thoughtfully, wiping the processed cream off of her mouth. Alana looked revolted.
"If there was a nuclear war, the only things that would survive are Twinkies and cockroaches," she pointed out.
"That's a myth," scoffed Sarah.
"Yeah? Well it's a proven fact that the wrappers are more digestible then the Twinkies themselves," challenged Alana. Sarah didn't particularly like Twinkies, but they tasted good after hours without food, and she wasn't about to admit it, just for the sake of being obstinate.
"Whatever."
"So, what's your idea?"
"I was thinking…" she said slowly, but Alana interrupted.
"She couldn't 'kick Legolas's ass', as she puts it! Does she have any idea how many years of dedication it takes to train to become a real warrior?"
"Forget her stupid delusions for a moment."
"It's rather hard when she's right there, acting like a bitch and calling Legolas that stupid fangirl pet name 'Leggy'"
The pair, both bickering, portalled to the point where she called Caradhas, 'Kharadras', creating a mini-balrog back at the Fanfiction Academy they were sure (this was added this to the charge list). "Looks like we're up the mountain," commented Alana.
"Can't we portal straight to Moria?" complained Sarah.
"After she treats Boromir like shit again we can," said Alana, reading ahead with a scowl on her face.
Sarah was amazingly thankful for the gear provided by the PPC; she never seized to be amazed by the coldness of the mountain. Of course, she was from California. Shivering, she looked at her more experienced partner out of the corner of her eye, and noted with pleasure that Alana looked even colder. After all, at least she had the advantage of body fat, whereas high and mighty Alana was as skinny as a skeleton, even in her goblin disguise.
Looking on as Frodo dropped the ring and Boromir picked it up, Melody's thoughts made them want to kill her. Which they thankfully would be able to do eventually.
Melody watched as Boromir held it, staring at, talking to himself. It made her stomach turn watching him, her fist clenching around her bow.
"Boromir," Aragorn said, bringing Boromir out of his trance.
"Give the ring to Frodo." Melody came up behind him with a cold stare on her face, Boromir looked at her, and then walked to Frodo and gave him the ring.
"Of course, I care not," he said with a chuckle, then mussing up Frodo's hair. He turned, and started back up the mountain, as did everyone else. Except for Aragorn, Melody and Frodo. Melody had noticed Aragorn had his hand on the hilt of his sword, watching Boromir's every move. He looked at Melody and nodded at her, she nodded in return. She then looked at Frodo and smiled, who gave her a weak smile in return. All three then continued up the mountain...
"Her stomach turn?" murmured Sarah in horror. "My god, I'd like to see her try to resist the power of the ring! It's no wedding ring. Although it could be," she added as an afterthought, watching Frodo's retreating back. Alana traced the outline of her axe, a faraway look on her face. Sarah didn't even want to try to guess what she was thinking.
"Um, can we portal out of here?" she asked tentatively, unsure of Alana's mood.
"Sure. We can go outside Moria a bit before they get there and visit the Watcher," suggested Alana. The Watcher was quite friendly with most PPC Agents, though none as much as the legendary (and now retired) Agent Jay. "Let's stop by Gondor first," said Alana.
"Why?"
"You'll see."
She handed the remote activator to Sarah. Looking rather pleased (and proud), she quickly opened a portal, and they stepped through.
The Author's Note: Thank you to my two reviewers. Review's fuel my writing, if you've read this; please take the time to review. Flames are welcome; I think my attraction to fire has been established.