Chapter 3
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.
"You're such a good Fro- I mean, Mary-Sue eating monster," crooned Alana, tossing a piece of raw meat (purchased in Gondor) to the Watcher. There was no better way to get on his good side then to feed him. Sarah relaxed against a rock, reading what they had missed.
"She created the mini-balrog Saurumon," she stated.
"Idiot." Alana was in an amazingly good mood. Moria (and outside of it) was one of her favourite places; Alana liked to spend time with the Watcher. The Mary-Sue never would never meet Faramir, she had more or less ignored Gimli and yet not been entirely bitchy to him, Alana was going to be able to kill (or see killed) Melody, and there would be a new scalp on her wall. Thus, her mood was uplifted.
Alas, it could not last long. The two agents heard the echoes of the Fellowship making their way towards the Watcher. Tossing him the last piece of meat, they rose, and quickly slipped behind some boulders.
Right on time, the Watcher grabbed Frodo, and Sarah and Alana took the opportunity to slip inside the door of Moria. Hiding where the Sue wouldn't be able to see them when she came in (although their disguises would certainly work for this setting), they sat down cross-legged.
"You reckon we've got enough charges?"
"We haven't even come to the biggest charges of all yet."
"Like…"
"Being Elrond's daughter, making poor Legolas fall in love with her…"
"Like we couldn't see that coming."
"I know. I suggest we portal to all the worst spots."
Sarah pulled out her notebook, ready to write down everything Alana said. "You know, this Sue's not too bad is she?"
The corners of Alana's mouth twitched in a near smile. It wouldn't do to have the novice assassin think that. "Let's see… One brief spot in Khazad-dum." Sarah most certainly wouldn't like it, but it would banish any possible misgivings she might have. "Um, there's a dreadful Boromir character rupture directly outside of Moria, Lothlorien-"
"All of Lorien?" asked Sarah, looking aghast.
"Most of it. It's pretty terrible. Anyways…a brief part in the Breaking of the Fellowship- it's another 'let's make Boromir out to be this awful prat' moment, when Shadowfax shows up-"
"Let me guess, he completely takes to her?"
"And she creates a mini-balrog too. When she meets Eowyn, another mini-balrog… Oh, and the part where the wargs attack. There's a lot of other crap, especially Legolas lovey-dovey, but I reckon that'll be enough charges."
"Sounds good."
The Fellowship burst into the cave, and after they had passed, Alana grabbed the remote activator and portalled.
"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world."
The Balrog was of course coming toward the Fellowship in all his glory, but Sarah's gaze fixated elsewhere. She drew one of her daggers, preparing to throw it.
Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's hand.
Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's hand.
Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's hand.
Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's hand.
Frodo was holding Mary-Sue's hand.
Alana seized Sarah's arm. "Not now," she hissed. Quickly opening another portal, she shoved Sarah through it. Sarah was muttering under her breath non-stop, but than stopped dead at the conversation that was happening in front of her.
She looked up to find Boromir hovering over top of her, eyes blazing.
"If you knew what was to happen, why?" With that, Melody got up.
"Boromir, it's not her fau-" Legolas began, but Boromir stopped him.
"No, it is her fault. She knows what is going to happen, does she not?" Melody nodded.
"Then why, why didn't you stop it?" This time he was yelling.
"You don't think I didn't try, I didn't want this to happen just as much as you did." She said, this time yelling at him.
"Now, get out of my way," she said, walking past him. He turned and grabbed her arm, his arm raised to hit her. Aragorn stepped in the way.
"Boromir, touch her again and you'll have to deal with me." Boromir just looked at him, unafraid. not loosening his grip on her arm. He then looked to find Legolas behind him.
"Let her go," he said firmly. Boromir then turned to Melody, and released her arm, and walked away.
Sarah was actually physically trembling with anger now; Alana was once more tracing her battleaxe, a dangerous glimmer in her eyes. "Let's go," she muttered.
The pair reached Lorien in time to hear Legolas say "Melody, get your ass moving or else!" Sarah cringed on his behalf; she had always had a soft spot in her heart for the poor elf, defenseless against the awful onslaught of the Sues. Alana swore under her breath, shaking her head disbelievingly. "They'll do anything, anything!" she was heard to mutter. Not heeding the irritated agent, Sarah began humming a little tune that sounded suspiciously like 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider'.
The useless Mary-Sue, killed Haldir's character,
Down came my knife, and slit her nauseatinglybeautiful throat,
She made Boromir seem like a bastard,
And Frodo a 5 year old,
So I bashed out her brains,
And-
"Shit!"
She winced, hopping up and down as she clutched her stubbed toe. "HolyIluvatarManweUlmoYavanna…"
"Cool it," muttered Alana, motioning at Melody, who was looking around suspiciously. Sarah angrily looked down at the offending rock, and then up at Mary-Sue, who was busy talking to a glazed-eyed Frodo, nodding helplessly in his trance (although a very different kind of helplessness than was described by the Sue's author).
"Why exactly is she so special?" asked Boromir, very reasonably.
"Special Ed," whispered Alana, and Sarah scowled.
"Dude, that's not cool."
"What?"
"I mean comparing her to mentally disabled people. Retarded people."
"I didn't say she was-"
"You implied it," said Sarah shortly. She was an easygoing, but when it came to mentally handicapped people, she fiercely defended them, even when the word 'retarded' was used casually as slang.
"Oh, go stick you're head in blender." Alana's face contorted with rage, and Sarah actually thought for a moment that the Man-of-Gondor fancier would actually throw herself at Melody while wielding her prized axe. "You ok?" she asked. Alana nodded.
"Of course."
Full of boredom, they followed the Sue and Galadriel. It was all highly typical; Galadriel told Melody that being half-human, his (Elrond's) lustfullness then took over his morals. "Does the author know anything about half-elves?" asked Sarah curiously.
"Probably not." Naturally, the Sue turned out to be an elf, which was obviously so that she could live forever with her precious Legolas 'Greenleaf'.
"So I'm an elf?" Galadriel nodded.
"Yes Linde, you are."
"Linde," Melody repeated softly, trying to take all of this in.
"And so Elrond is my father?" Galadriel nodded again.
"You're a fast learner child," she said smiling, making Melody smile as well.
"That sure takes fast learning, hearing an entire story about how one's father is Elrond, and gleaning from it that Elrond is one's father. We've got a winner!" remarked Alana.
"One to rival Einstein," said Sarah in agreement, taking a bite out of a granola bar.
The world seemed to spin, and when everything was steady once more, Melody (or Linde, or whatever) was walking toward the Fellowship, with newly pointy ears. "I hate plotholes," complained Sarah, clutching her stomach. She could take rollercoasters very well, but anything that spun (namely Merry-Go-Rounds and spinny chairs) caused her to become nauseous after only a few turns. "Why does she suddenly have pointy ears anyways?"
"It's a bloody gaping plothole. Maybe they sprang out of her head," suggested Alana, "These Sues always seem to think of the pointy ears as the defining characteristics of elves."
She then turned to Sam and hugged him as well, pulling his hair out of his eyes.
The agents both flinched. The pulling looked highly painful. Sarah, who practically worshipped the ground that Sam walked on (in a strictly non-lust object sense), scowled fiercely. They then listened to the awful, unrealistic, Mary-Sueish explanation of Melody, or as she must be called now, Linde.
"So, by unstoppable, do you mean she can fight anyone and win?" Merry asked.
When Aragorn nodded, the pair groaned loudly. Too loudly. Linde looked around. "Did you hear anything?" she asked the company. The Fellowship look puzzled, and shook their heads. Linde shrugged it off, and returned to the dreadful conversation of her sickening abilities.
Reading ahead, Sarah looked as if she were going to cry. She often looked like that when she really wasn't. "Frodo asks her to sing," she said flatly. Alana patted her awkwardly on the arm. Unlike Sarah, she wasn't very touchy-feely.
"We don't have to see it. We'll skip to her show-off opportunity." She handed the remote activator to Sarah, who hesitated for a moment, and then pressed the buttons.
Finding themselves concealed behind a large tree, not far off from the Mary-Sue, Sarah flopped down on the grass, yawning. Alana did likewise, sitting cross-legged and taking out some beef jerky. Sarah scanned the report further. "There's a sequel to this garbage," she said, sounding surprised. "Do we have to go kill her there too?" Alana shook her head.
"Once she's dead, she'll always be dead."
"That's a hopeful thought."
"Well, I'm off," announced Alana, rising to her feet.
"What?" asked Sarah, confused. Alana nodded her head at Melody speaking with Galadriel through the trees.
"Got to take a walk. Clear my head. You keep an eye on this lot." Still looking startled at this sudden decision, Sarah shrugged.
"Okay…"
Alana walked out of sight, leaving Sarah quite alone to watch the dismal exhibition of Melody's Sueness, as well as more brutal slaughter of the elvish language. "Sut naa lle sina re…" muttered Sarah fiercely under her breath. "What kind of elvish is that? Sut? Sounds like the battle-cry of naked mole rats. Except that's not fair to the mole rats."
Melody very predictably kicked the poor, ill-fated asses of Aragorn, Legolas, and Haldir, leaving Sarah quietly swearing to herself as she scribbled in her notebook. Melody looked around at the five around her and smiled slightly at her small victory, leaving Sarah to wonder if Melody could count, seeing as there were only four besides the Mary-Sue herself.
Sarah turned away. She had seen all she needed to. Running her hand through her hair anxiously, she suddenly realised that Alana had left… with the remote activator. Oh honestly. At least this gave her a chance to wander a bit through Lothlorien. Despite the presence of a Sue, the forest was still wonderfully relaxing, and Sarah made her way to a stream and pulled off her shoes, dipping her feet in the cool water. This was why she liked to be a hobbit… shoes sucked.
Humming quietly to herself, she attempted to skip a stone on the water. It was a quiet, peaceful afternoon. Peaceful that is, except for… "Ready to go?" asked Alana in a falsely cheery voice. Sarah glared up.
"No, I'm not," she said sourly. Seizing a rock, she tossed it into the water, and then rose to her feet, yawning. "Where to?"
Alana glanced down. "It's a couple of days before they leave."
"Wait, how long have they been here?"
"Don't know. Plot holes muddle things." Alana nudged a rock near her foot. "So, we can portal to when they leave Lorien."
"I look forward to it."
"But fish can be poisonous!" The assassins had been discussing what on earth the random vial that seemed to glow a deep reddish purple was. The conversation had obviously strayed from the point.
"Yes, but more then likely, if they're fresh, they aren't," explained Alana patiently.
"That's ridiculous… most deep sea fish are poisonous."
"I wasn't talking about deep sea fish," said Alana, with a long-suffering sigh.
"Yo, dude, whatever." It was dark, and the fellowship was not too far away sleeping. Sarah and Alana suppressed sniggers as Legolas told Mary Sue to get some sleep and she closed her eyes.
"Sort of destroys the credibility of her story about being an elf doesn't it?" asked Sarah, taking out an eggroll. "Hungry?" Alana nodded, accepting the bland food.
"That it does," she agreed.
The agents agreed on one point; they would both go insane if they had to watch any more of this. When it came to the breaking of the Fellowship, Sarah point blank refused to watch Melody's last words to Boromir ("You tried to...I can't believe it! You greedy little pig. How could you? Oh, I'm gonna protect the ringbear, get the ring to Mount Doom. But you tried to take it, and you tried to kill him!"), and had a shrewd notion that Alana ought not to be left alone during this moment. Alana was a very self-controlled person, but even she had her limits.
Which would explain their decision to simply jump to the period where the wargs attacked. It was time to be finishing up this mission, and it seemed an ideal point to kill her. What they hadn't yet discussed however, was how. "If she's indestructible, how are we supposed to do it?" The two agents were sitting cross-legged, slightly before the men of Rohan and the wargs clashed.
Alana looked thoughtful. Sarah was in a temper, but owing to Upstairs' uncanny ability to pair those of absolutely opposing personality, Alana was rather calm. "We could feed her alive to… something. Except that she might stay alive in their stomach, and that would suck for the poor creature."
Sarah bit her lip. "We could cut off her head," she suggested.
"It might re-attach to her body."
"Not if we dropped it in Mount Doom."
They made their plans, and then watched as Melody whined that the goblin attack wasn't supposed to happen. Suddenly, as the men and the goblins rushed at each other, they noticed that one of the wargs charging Melody was…changing colours. From normal brown to electric green and back to brown again. It wasn't even written in the i Sue's /i story.
"What…" Sarah and Alana stared for a moment, and then Alana suddenly realised what they ought to be doing.
"Come on!" They rushed forward, dodging weapons. Too late they remembered that Melody, unlike themselves, couldn't lose a fight.
"Oh damn…" Just as Melody was about to stab Alana (disguised as a goblin obviously, therefore fitting in perfectly), the odd warg pounced, knocking Melody down (and causing the assassins to dodge the heavy chain swinging from its collar). Alana quickly opened a portal, shoving the Mary Sue through.
Sarah picked herself up off the ground, looking around. They were in the dry wasteland just outside of Mordor. Perfect. Melody looked stunned, but picked herself up off the ground. The warg (who had apparently followed them) jumped on her, calmly sitting on her legs (and probably nearly crushing them). Alana looked delighted. Rummaging in her pack, she retrieved the bag of beef jerky. Seizing a handful, she held it out to the warg, who devoured it greedily, and then licked her hand. Sarah held out a hand to the warg's snout, and the warg growled. Sarah retreated hastily.
"State the charges," said Alana briefly, scratching the warg's neck.
"Right…" said Sarah nervously. Taking her notebook out of her pocket, she cleared her throat.
"Melody- er, Linde, or whatever you want to be called… You are hereby charged with not making sense, causing the character ruptures of Arwen, Frodo, Elrond (namely him crying), Legolas, Boromir, and virtually any character you come in contact with, having Celtic carvings in Middle Earth, mangling the elvish language, not liking dresses, making lame insults that nonetheless cause canon characters to be speechless, having a beautiful voice and singing songs from our world in Arda, joining the Fellowship, messing up the entire schedule of the Fellowship, being injured in order to have Legolas rescue you, making Elrond lie, having a stupid birthmark, having Frodo hug you and hold your hand-" Here Sarah narrowed her eyes, glaring at the Mary-Sue on the ground – "Annoying both agents, being disrespectful to Boromir, mangling his character so much that he's almost not recognisable, not being affected by the ring, being able to beat anybody at fighting, portraying the journey from Rivendell to Caradhas as 'a few days', creating several mini-balrogs, causing plotholes, getting some stupid jewel thingy from Galadriel, and being a GODDAMNANNOYINGCURSEDCLICHE MARY SUE!"
"Any last words?" questioned Alana, feeding the warg the last of the jerky.
"The fellowship needs me!" exclaimed Melody, trying to stand up.
Sarah grabbed Alana's battle-axe (which was more convenient for this sort of thing), and severed Melody's head from her body. Alana knelt down, drawing her knife, and neatly scalped the head, handing the remote activator to Sarah, who opened a portal directly above Mount Doom. Alana grabbed the remains of the head and threw it into the fire, and then nudged the warg, who obligingly stood up. The assassins seized the body and disposed of it.
"What are we going to do about the warg?" asked Sarah, looking at the great creature (who had stopped flashing green now that the Mary Sue was gone. It was nuzzling Alana happily, although it still growled whenever Sarah got too close to it.
"Keep it of course." Alana had been around at the PPC long enough that she usually got her way with Upstairs (except when it came to getting a raise), and she was already attached to the furry beast.
A portal was once more opened, and the two agents walked through. Sarah collapsed on her bed, yawning. "Not so fast." Alana held up the bloody scalp. "You are going to take this to Makes-Things' lab to dry out while I see about her." She motioned to the warg, who had contentedly lay down on the bearskin rug in the entrance way.
"How d'you know it's a she?" Alana pointed. "Oh."
The Author's Note: This was long. Not much else to say about it; it's just long. The warg that was flashing neon green thing actually happened in a dream of mine about a week before writing this. Naturally, I took it as a sign. Please review. Flames will be used in various creative ways, particularly for Alana's cooking. This fic is completed; another will be up soon (soon probably being several weeks).