Chapter 21

After knocking on Sara's door, Catherine entered holding a suitcase and backpack. "I went to the resort and packed your stuff for you."

"Thank you." Sara replied in a grateful tone. "Now I can lose this hospital gown. It's making me ill thinking how many people probably wore this before me."

Catherine rolled her eyes. "It's a sterile environment and you're still worried about germs."

"If we swabbed the bathroom we'd find plenty."

Unzipping the suitcase, Catherine teased, "I found a surprising lack of lingerie in your hotel room."

"Why would I need to bring any?"

Intrigued by the foreign concept of taking platonic vacations, Catherine said, "You really weren't planning on sleeping with him, were you?"

"No. I wasn't going to sleep with him." She realized Catherine was looking at her like an alien life form. "That's why he drugged me, isn't it?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up."

"Catherine, I barely knew the guy. I don't sleep with guys I don't know. Mike Rodgers could be the new poster boy for abstinence from casual sex. Can't you see it? Right below his Mr. Nice Guy photo, wouldbe the words 'Hi, I'm vile scum in disguise'." She shuddered. "Just saying his name gives me the creeps. Let's change the topic."

"Okay. What would you like to wear? Drawstring pajama bottoms? Velour lounge pants?" Smiling, Catherine joked, "Sara…you do own lingerie, right? I mean just in case you ever know a guy well enough to sleep with him." Selecting the black lounge pants and a white cotton tee, Catherine tossed them on the bed. "You do realize that men are visual creatures, right? They all like a little leather or lace in the bedroom."

Turning three shades of red, Sara squirmed. "Yeah…um…let's change this topic too."

Grinning, Catherine took a peek out the window. "Nice weather outside."

"So what do you think is taking Grissom so long at the police station?" It was two hours since Catherine last spoke with him and the waiting fueled Sara's already high expectations.

Checking her watch, Catherine said, "Must be all the jurisdictional red tape keeping him."

"I'm sure you're right." Under the blanket she pulled on her pants. "Hmm…I wonder when the doctor is going to release me."

"Why don't I check with desk," Catherine said as she headed for the door.

"Thank you!" When Catherine left, Sara tossed the hospital gown to the floor and pulled on the fitted tee. "I can't wait to get out of here and get on with life."

When the bedside phone rang, Sara's heart skipped a beat. "Finally!" Grabbing the receiver she put it to her ear and warmly said, "Hello."

It was Nick.

"Sara! It's so good to hear your voice! I've been worried sick about you! I couldn't wait to talk to you once I knew you were awake."

It wasn't Grissom but at least it was a friendly voice. "Hey Nick."

Catherine had warned Sara that Nick was fraught with guilt over bringing Mike into her life. "Please don't worry. I'm fine."

"Catherine told me not to bug you but I couldn't wait to apologize. I'm so sorry, Sara. If I had any idea that bastard…"

"Trust me, Nick." Sara felt the hairs on her neck rise. "The creep is very good at lying. I won't rest easy until he is locked away and not just for my sake, for every woman who might cross his path."

"Well I'm doing my best to help put him there, believe me. No one messes with you and gets by me."

"Thanks." She smiled at his brotherly tone. "How lucky am I to have both you and Grissom protecting me."

"Speaking of Grissom." Nick chuckled. "The man almost killed me because I set you up with Mike. You should have seen him, Sara. He wasn't going to rest until you were safe. So…he must be taking good care of you."

"Well…" Sara checked her watch. "I haven't actually seen him or talked to him. I mean…he was here when I was unconscious but not since I woke up. He's talked to Catherine but um…not to me." A pang of concern bounced through her as she asked herself, why didn't he speak with me if he had time to speak with Catherine?

"Really?" Nick couldn't hide his surprise in his voice. "I thought for sure he'd want to hear your voice when you woke up. I know I couldn't wait."

"He's busy at the station…you know jurisdictional red tape." Suddenly Sara wasn't sure that was the reason at all. What if this was another retreat? Then she remembered everything Catherine told her about Grissom's emotional reaction and realized it was just her old insecurities playing with her mind. This time, she was certain he wouldn't pull away.

Catherine returned to the room and assumed Sara was on the phone with Grissom. "It's about damn time!"

"It's just Nick."

Catherine groaned. "I told him not to bother you."

"Just Nick." His laughter shook the phone line. "I guess I know where I stand."

"Sorry." She was anxious to hear what her doctor said to Catherine. "Hey, I have to go...doctor stuff."

"Take care, Sara. Again…I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" Laughing she teased, "Don't you have some leggy blonde to help you take your mind off the guilt?" When he laughed, she did. "Yeah that's what I thought…goodbye." Hanging up the phone, Sara asked, "Is the doctor discharging me?"

"Sorry. The doctor said she wants you to stay overnight for observation but you can go home first thing tomorrow."

Incensed, Sara ranted, "But GHB is very short acting that's why it's usually impossible to find it in the victim's blood. The doctor obviously doesn't…"

Holding up her hand, Catherine halted Sara's tirade. "The doctor knows that. It's not the aftereffects of the drug she's observing, it's the fact that you almost fell into a coma and you're still very weak."

Swinging her legs out of bed Sara feigned bubbliness. "I'm fine. Look." Attempting to ignore her throbbing head and trembling limbs she lowered her feet to the floor. "I'm not going to sit here after that bastard drugged me. I want to help work the case."

Blocking Sara, Catherine gave her a dose of reality. "Look…the doctor is covering her ass just like us when we do our jobs. She's doesn't want you walking out of here only to collapse in the parking lot and sue her." Sighing, she added, "Besides you don't look fine, Sara. You look like hell."

Testing their new level of friendship, Sara teased, "You always think I look like hell."

"Okay but now I know the difference between your usual hell look and this version." Holding up the hospital blanket she waited for Sara to return to bed. "Good. Now stay there and I'll see if I can go find something to cheer you up. I saw they have Godiva in the gift shop."

Knowing what Sara needed was someone not something, Catherine hoped she'd return with more than a chocolate bar. "Be right back."

After hanging up with Sara, Nick went to his fridge and grabbed a beer, hoping it would take the edge off enough to sleep. It was two o'clock in the afternoon and he desperately needed the rest before shift tonight.

Taking hefty swigs from the bottle, he shuffled down the hall.

What a relief it was to know Sara was out of danger. He'd owe Grissom forever for saving her. The close call was bad enough but if Sara had been raped by Mike, Nick knew he never would have forgiven himself. After all, he encouraged her to go out with the bastard. His words still haunted him. Sara, if he turns out to be an ass you can blame me for introducing you. What was the punishment for Mike turning out to be sociopathic rapist and murderer?

Polishing off the contents of his amber bottle in one last chug, Nick set it on his nightstand.

Sighing he kicked off his shoes while pulling his gray sweater over his head and tossing it on a nearby chair.

Recalling his conversation with Sara in the locker room right before she left for Tahoe, he shook his head.

Will you be spending some of your time off with Officer Mike?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. I just got off the phone with him. We're going to Tahoe. As friends…separate rooms…lots of OUTDOOR activities. I'm not you, Nick."

"Are you saying I'm loose?"

"See you in a week."

"You can thank me after the trip for hooking you up with him. I'm going to have to use that 'let's go to Tahoe as friends, separate rooms' line with someone. If it worked on you, Sara, it will work on anyone."

After kicking his jeans across the floor he fell into bed.

It was never a game to her, he chided himself. She was looking for love, not a romp. Her words echoed once more. I'm not you, Nick. You had no business making a game out of her life.

He took some comfort in knowing one good thing came out of the Mike Rodgers fiasco. Grissom finally wised up. Now Sara would have the relationship she always wanted. Nick wondered if the positive was enough to relieve his guilt. Only time would tell.

Sliding toward the middle of the bed he felt something lacy brush against his toes. Reaching down he found a black thong. "Mimi." Sitting up, he tossed it toward the trash can in the corner of the bedroom.

Seeing the lacy scrap of fabric hanging on the edge of the can, it hit him. How many degrees of separation am I from Mike Rodgers? After I'm done with a woman I don't toss her off a cliff, I toss her out of my life. Why?

Falling back against the sheets, he stared at the ceiling. Am I still a little boy getting even for what one twisted woman did long ago? When will the score finally be settled? What will it take?

Turning on his side he peered into his open closet. Was there a dark secret behind every man's behavior? How did Mike's mind get so screwed up? Was he born that way or did something happen to make him tick differently? What about Grissom? What was his story? Why was it so difficult for him to start a relationship with Sara when he clearly had the desire? There had to be something. What? Did everyone have something hidden in their past that made them who they are today? Did Sara? What in her past made her so wary of people yet so attracted to Grissom?

Awake and haunted by questions he couldn't answer he wondered, could people really ever get over the hurt they harbored or did they always have to pass it along to someone else?

Trying to block out the light of day, Nick rolled on his stomach and buried his face in a pillow …a pillow that smelled like Mimi Donovan's peach scented conditioner. Wait was it Donovan or was it Donnelly? He couldn't recall.

Jumping out of bed, Nick decided to strip the sheets.

Returning from the gift shop, Catherine was thrilled to see Grissom speaking with Sara's doctor at the nurses' station. Impatiently she waited until he was through before jumping down his throat. "Why didn't you return my latest call? Did you even listen to my message?"

Stuffing the Tox Report he received from the doctor in his coat pocket he huffed "I've been busy at the station. Things didn't go well."

Baffled by Grissom's curt tone, she scrunched her brows as she stared at him. "What's going on?" Leaning against the nurse's station she asked, "Are we going to handle the GHB charges here first and then have Rodgers brought back to Vegas or…"

"Catherine." Bleakly he said, "We had to drop all the drug related charges. There was no way to keep the charges and have Sara keep her job. The GHB went missing from the lab while she was responsible for it. Think about it, if Rodgers had used it on someone other than Sara…"

"Ugh. I should have seen that coming." Shaking her head she tried to find a positive. "At least he didn't have the opportunity to assault her. She'll have to be grateful for that since she won't be getting any other justice. How are you going to break the news?"

"About that…I'd like you to tell her because I'm on my way back to Vegas."

"What?!" Floored by his statement, she snapped. "Are you kidding me?! You can't leave!"

Averting his eyes from her shocked expression he explained. "Samantha Hatcher's exhumation is complete. By the time I get back to the city, I'll have a body waiting for me."

"You have a body waiting for you right here…a warm body. Sara has been through hell and she needs to see you." Hands on her hips, she stared him down. "If you have to rush back to Vegas that's fine but before you do you have to go in there and at least say hello."

"I can't."

Astonished by his answer, she prodded, "You can't? You can't because you don't have the time or because you don't have the inclination?"

Politely he replied, "Please tell her I'm glad she's feeling better and explain that I'm working the case."

"Why are you doing this? It was very obvious from your reaction last night how much you…" No, he wasn't ready to hear the L word. "…how much you care about Sara. Now that she's conscious, don't you want to go in there and talk about it?"

"Catherine…" Clutching his aching head with his hand, he lowered his voice and let her glimpse the hell he was experiencing. "I couldn't figure out what to do before all this happened. You have no idea how I just spent the last couple of hours…what I'm trying to process. I'm more confused than ever."

With a small dose of smart ass she replied. "Funny…you always tell us confused is the best place for a scientist to be, but you don't seem to be enjoying it at all."

"This has nothing to do with science. If it did I could figure it out." Admitting his newest Mike-induced concerns, he said, "To be honest, I'm not sure having me in her life is a good thing for Sara. Or maybe it's not a good thing for me. Maybe she's looking for me to replace something she's lost in her life but that's not a role I'm comfortable filling. Everything is so…I can't seem to figure anything out."

Softening, she took a step a closer. "Gil, you don't have to solve this on your own. Did you ever think that maybe you haven't been able to figure it out all this time because it's not something you can solve alone? If you don't ask the whys you'll never know. Go see Sara. If you give it a chance, I bet the two of you can figure it out together."

Staring past Catherine, he looked longingly at Sara's door.

Seeing the wrestling match in his eyes, she fought the urge to push him both literally and verbally, finally giving in to the latter. "Don't think about it. Just do it."

With a conflicted mind, a bruised ego, a guilty subconscious and an aching heart all jockeying for control, try as he might, his feet remained glued to the floor.

A combination of devil and angel on his shoulder Catherine prodded, "You don't need a plan. Just walk in there and let it happen." Taking a step aside she watched his face as he processed the information.

Logically Grissom knew a personal relationship would complicate work. To support his theory he had to look no further than what just happened with Mike. The GHB charges were dropped due to the complications of personal matters.

Challenging the theory he posited…would the complications have existed if the relationship was real? Wasn't the uncertainty in their relationship what Mike exploited? Wasn't it the absence of a relationship that caused Sara to leave? Wasn't it vulnerability Mike preyed upon? Which left him wondering, if Sara and he were in a relationship would the vulnerability go away or would it grow?

Without a clear answer, he focused on next factor…his self-esteem.

Rodgers had made a fool of him earlier and even though they were the callous words of a sociopath, he couldn't block them. 'Lucky for you my plan didn't work because one night of passion with me and she would have seen you for the loser you really are. That realization is an eventuality for Sara…I was expediting the process for her.' Had Rodgers, due to his skill, figured out his deepest fear and exploited it or was he merely telling the truth? After all these years of anticipation, how could Sara's expectations possibly be met?

Next, his subconscious weighed in asking, what about the dark side of Mike's story? Why do the two of you act the way you do? What are you getting from her? What does she really want from you? Beneath the ugly exaggerations in Mike's twisted story, it tore him apart to realize there was some truth in what he said about Sara…about him. The relationship isn't healthy. Could it ever be? What would it take to make it possible?

Fighting to be heard, his heart finally shouted loud enough.

Closing his eyes Grissom focused on its message. His heart reminded him of the horror he felt the night before when Sara's heart rate plummeted in the emergency room. It reminded him of the jubilation he experienced when he was told by the doctor that Sara was out of danger. And what about Sara? The message grew louder still. She needs you to comfort her…to protect her…to tell her she's special. It's what she always needs from you but right now she needs it more than ever.

Opening his eyes, Grissom once more focused on Sara's door. Maybe Catherine was right. If he went in there, he and Sara could work through the issues together. They were both intelligent people how hard could it be?

As he learned in the hospital last night, love was a roller coaster of emotion. Since he loved roller coasters why wouldn't he want to go for a ride? In a flash his mind and ego joined forces to answer the question. No matter how thrilling or rewarding the ride…it always…without exception…ends.

Before his heart could counter the point, the beep of his pager caught his ear. Pulling it off its clip he read Brass's message. Flight in 1 hour. Corpse waiting in autopsy.

Carefully, he considered the offer. Corpse waiting in autopsy. Autopsy…where everything was illuminated by brilliant lights. A place where latex gloves made contact with the flesh impossible. A place where two-way communication wasn't an option. A place where all questions were a matter of science and the answers revealed themselves.

Lifting his eyes, he watched a nurse enter Sara's room. Sara is only twenty feet away. Her smile is only twenty feet away. The beautiful beginning to a loving relationship is only twenty feet away…a beautiful beginning which could eventually lead to a horrible ending.

Glancing down at the pager he read the words again. Corpse waiting in autopsy. Autopsy…a safe haven from the storm. A place where his motives wouldn't be questioned. A place where no one could hurt him. A place where he couldn't hurt anyone. A place where everything made sense.

Glancing over at Catherine, in a tormented voice Grissom announced, "I…I have to go. Will you tell Sara that I'm working the Hatcher case and I'm glad she's feeling better?"

Disappointment and irritation fueled her reply. "Sorry, no can do. I'm going to the Ladies' room. After that I'm going to peek in Sara's room and if you're in there I'm hopping the next flight to Vegas." Her eyes narrowed. "If you're not in there, then I'm telling Sara exactly what she needs to hear."

Turning on a dime Catherine advised, "Choose wisely."

A minute later, Grissom made his choice.