By Padfoot's Sidekick
"Chapter 2: How It All Started"
"Hermione Granger."
My breath froze in my chest. Me? What would Voldemort want with me? I mean, come on. I'm a bushy haired teen with unofficial nicknames like "worthless," "fragile," and "weakling." Who's gonna want a girl like that? Oh yeah. I forgot. Not.
"What does he want with me?" I finally choked out.
Dumbledore surveyed me solemnly, but that annoying twinkle was twinkling away in those bright blue eyes. Merlin, that stupid twinkle is so annoying!
"Why, he wants you as bait of course," he stated calmly and slowly, as if I were five years old and this was the most obvious thing on the planet. "Lord Voldemort simply wants to use you so he can get his hands on our dear Mr. Potter." His gaze swiveled to Harry. Bloody prat. Dumbledore, I mean, not Harry. Never mind.
"So, Albus, what are we going to do about this. We can't honestly take Miss Granger out into battle with us. She would be wounded or stunned or even killed within five minutes," McGonagall was saying.
I gave out an indignant snort. 'I'm not an ignorant child, you know! I know how to protect myself!' I wanted to shout. But I didn't. That would be like whining, and no way am I going to start whining. Plus for some strange reason, while my mind was running perfectly, my mouth wasn't working. Well, that's probably because of the fact that the Dark Lord was after me!
"Quite right, Minerva," Dumbledore answered her. But his eyes were on me. "Miss Granger has proved incapable in combat."
Whoa. Pause. I bet that you're wondering what the Headmaster of my school was talking about. Well, it all started at the end of my fifth year a Hogwarts…
"WE'VE GOT HIM!" yelled the Death Eater nearest Harry, "IN AN OFFICE OFF –"
"Silencio!" cried Hermione, and the man's voice was extinguished. He continued to mouth through the hole in his mask, but no sound came out; he was thrust aside by his fellow.
"Petrificus Totalus!" shouted Harry, as the second Death Eater raised his wand. His arms and legs snapped together and he fell forward, facedown onto the rug at Harry's feet, stiff as a board and unable to move at all.
"Well done, Ha –"
But the Death Eater Hermione had just struck dumb made a sudden slashing movement with his wand from which flew a streak of what looked like purple flame. It passed across Hermione's chest; she gave a tiny "oh!" as though of surprise and then crumpled onto the floor where she lay motionless.
Let's just say that after that little happening Dumbledore decided that I was worthless at everything having to do with fighting, Death Eaters, and/or Voldemort. Everything but cheering on "Hogwarts' Favorite Heroes" and the rest of the Order of the bloody Phoenix. Kind of a stupid notion, really.
For example, who is the best student at Transfiguration? Me. At Potions? Me (but Snape won't admit it). At History of Magic? Me. At Charms? Me. Me. ME! Heck the only one better at Defense Against the Dark Arts is Harry. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound conceited. Believe me. It's just that one day I snuck into McGonagall's office to see my personal record, and it said (as much as the teachers loathe to admit it) that I'm at the top at every class!
Heck, the only thing good coming from that sad end of fifth year is that 1. I got all O's in my OWL's, and 2. I got to join the Order of the Phoenix. More like the Order of the Fat Roasted Chicken. Arrogant gits. Well, some of them at least. Tonks is cool. Okay, I'm getting off track here. Back to the story.
"So, if I can't fight," I wondered aloud, "what am I going to do?"
"Yes," prompted Alexandra Elisabeth Eloise Samantha Suzy Carol Patty Sue Penny Rose Daffodil Violet Terri Shelly Pearl Jewel Jillian Hope Charity Peace Harmony Carly Alexis Monica Hillary Britany Kelly Diana Athena Atlanta Georgia Brooke Kristen Caroline Carter Josephine Diamanda Amanda Lauren Patrice Martha Anne Emma Alice Anna Sally Candy Candice Sarah Chelsea Alyssa Beatrice Lark Raven Mia Lavender Padma Paula Margaret Meg Marie Maria Mary Cindy Lea Amy Abbey Victoria Vicky Tori Millie. "What will little Miss Weak – err, I mean Granger do while us strong and mighty warriors fight for the glory of the Light?" Not in the least bit full of herself, is she?
"Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters can abduct her," was the answer.
Hang on. "Reside"? "Gryffindor Tower"? "Armed guard"?! What am I, a jailbird?
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A/N: Well? What did you think? Good? Bad? Funny? Or just plain stupid? Thank you, fine reviewer!!!!
Dragon Rider22: I hadn't thought of Alex as a Mary-Sue, but that's a good idea! Not the regular kind of Mary-Sues in most stories, but you know, the kind that is an actual species-thing (see "Bloody Mary-Sues" by Hyoudentai for more details). Thank you for reviewing!!!!