A/N: Okay, Ladies and Germs, it seems I have a few things to clear up.  First of all, I kinda forgot to put a disclaimer on my chapter 2, so here it goes:

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for what is mine. Live with it. Oh, and by the way, the little italisized segment does not belong to me, it's J.K.R.'s. You can find it in OotP, a.k.a. the fifth HP book. You can thank my Muse for my lack of creativity and originality, which caused me to copy it directly from the book. She decided to take her eight sisters to McDonald's for her birthday. If it were my birthday, I would have taken my family to somewhere cooler, not a fast food place. But that's not the point. The point is that it wasn't even her birthday! But Zeus, her dad, thought that it was and got all mad at me because her thought that I had forgotten his daughter's B-day (but I really didn't because her birthday is in July, not January), so he started throwing thunderbolts at me! Luckily my dear Muse friend got him to cool down, but I still could have been killed. Okay. Moving on.

Right, Next thing it says on the agenda is to apologize profusely for the whole chapter being totally in bold. It was an accident. Okay, here it goes: I apologize profusely for the whole chapter being totally in bold. It was an accident.

And last but definitely not least, when it said ''Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters can abduct her,' was the answer," I meant "'Miss Granger will reside in Gryffindor Tower under armed guard, so Lord Voldemort or his Death Eaters cannot abduct her,' was the answer." Sorry. Now, on with the chapter!

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No Thanks to Hermione

By Padfoot's Sidekick

"Chapter 3: The Great Soap Opera Bonanza"

Professor Dumbledore led the way to Gryffindor Tower after the meeting. I could have got there perfectly fine by myself, you know. I guess he wanted to make she I wasn't attacked by any of the paintings or something. Or maybe because he wanted to introduce me to my two new "bodyguards." Yes, that sounds more logical and reasonable.

Two men were standing outside the Fat Lady's portrait when we got there. The first, a large strong man with bulging muscles and a tight black shirt stood with his feet spread apart and his hands behind his back. It reminded me of the way soldiers stood in the Muggle army. Not that I've actually seen a Muggle army, I just watch a lot of Muggle movies, with me being Muggleborn and all.

"Miss Granger," Dumbledore began, "this is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mr. Schwarzenegger, this is Hermione Granger." (1)

"I am pleased to meet you," Arnold said, shaking my hand. He had a thick Austrian accent.

"It's nice to meet you, too," I replied politely.

"And this, Miss Granger, is Inigo Montoya," (2) Dumbledore continued, gesturing toward the second man. He was a tall, Hispanic guy with shoulder-length hair and a mustache. A sword hung by his side. "He doesn't speak much English."

"Hola," he said.

"Uh, Sí? Hola?" I asked uncertainly, taking the offered hand. Hey, what can I say? I can't speak Spanish! ((A/N: But I can! ))

"Gentlemen," Dumbledore started as he turned to my new bodyguards, "remember, do not let Ms. Granger out of the Gryffindor Tower under any circumstances, and do not let anyone in. Thank you. Now I really must be going. Goodbye Ms. Granger, Mr. Schwarzenegger, Mr. Montoya." And with that, he left. Finally.

Beside me, I heard Arnold translate what my headmaster had said to Inigo. But I guess it wasn't a very good translation, because the poor man still looked confused.

I'm sorry to say that I couldn't last two days in the Gryffindor Tower without being able to get out. My food was being brought to me, so the excuse of going to the Great Hall to eat was worthless, and the professors came up to tutor me between classes, so going to lessons was worth nil also. I also couldn't sneak out, as Arnold and Inigo had stationed themselves directly inside the portrait hole.

They had brought a Muggle television set into the Common Room and somehow got it to work, and so they were always watching cheesy soap operas. They had also fiddled with the channel changer until it had Spanish subtitles so Inigo could understand what the characters were saying. It was kind of funny really. Like this one time, they were both watching this soppy show – idiotic thing if you ask me – and one of the characters, Rosalina, was breaking up with her boyfriend, Paul. Here's how it all went:

"Oh, Paul!" Rosalina cried dramatically, flipping her black hair – which was clearly colored, and rather horribly I must admit. "Paul, darling, I'm afraid we might have to . . . break up!"

"Why, Rosalina? Why?" bawled Arnold.

"¿Por qué Rosalina? ¿Por qué?" sobbed Inigo.

Not that I paid attention to what was happening in the shows or anything. I only came for the Spanish Lessons. You see, while the shows were going on, I'd read the Spanish subtitles, at the same time listening to the English words, and presto! I know Spanish!

Well anyway, my chance to escape finally came one day, when Arnold had fallen asleep on the sofa, and Inigo was clearly absorbed in his program. I tiptoed past, careful not to disturb either one. After I had gotten past the two of them and laid my hand on the edge of the portrait hole, about to climb through and out to freedom, Inigo's head snapped around.

"Hola Inigo," I said nervously.

"¿Adónde vas?" he asked slowly. (Where are you going?)

"Dumbledore dijo que puedo ir al Great Hall para la cena," I replied, forcing a smile. (Dumbledore said that I could go to the Great Hall for dinner.)

Inigo nodded once and I was free. Finally.

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(1): No, I do not own Arnold Schwarzenegger, or the Terminator.

(2): Nor do I own The Princess Bride.

A/N: So what d'you think? I know, I know, it's short, but you'll all live, right? The next chapter should be a scream! Here are some previews:

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"Bush-brain?"

"Malfoy, if I were a bush-brain, then you'd be dumber than a rock."

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"Miss Granger? What are you doing out of Gryffindor Tower?"

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"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

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Now for those oh-so-very-nice reviewers!

Rainbow26: Oh! I'm sooo glad you liked it! Do you really think it's that good? tear tear!

Speak Out: Do you really think the name thing is annoying? Dang. And it was so much fun to write! Oh well. From now on, her name is Alex. And no, this is not a spoof, just a random comedy thingy-ma-bobber.  PS- I really got one of the murderer suspect people right? YAY!

Praise for chapter 1:

Laura-Grant: Hermione says thank you for the support! You are one of her new favorite people! 

CONTEST!

OK, whoever can guess how many fingers the murderer of Inigo Montoya's father has gets to be a character in a later chapter. Have fun!