"The Ties That Bind"
by darthelwig
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Rated T… just because.
Sanzo's heart is in chains and it's all Goku's fault.
I do not own Saiyuki.
SLASH WARNING: It's VERY mild a reference, but it IS there, so exit now, flamers!
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Their first touch had been… electric.
When the young man called Genjyo Sanzo reached out and took the hand of that pitiful creature he had found trapped within that strange cage of stone, he had no idea what awaited him. All he knew for certain at the time was that he had to make that annoying voice stop somehow. It was more than a little distracting and he had other, more important, things to think about than helping some poor soul who'd gotten himself into such a huge amount of trouble. So he'd gone there to make that voice shut up somehow.
He'd had no intention of helping the foolish creature, much less of making himself its keeper, but one look into those wide, hurting golden eyes somehow shifted the monkey's chains off of the rock and over the priest's own heart. He'd been caught as neatly as a fish on a hook, and Son Goku had been the bait.
He had tried to hate Goku for that, but he could no more stay angry with the monkey than hate the rain for falling, no matter how hard he tried to make it seem so. His heart could flail against its fetters as much as it pleased. It could never change the fact that he would be forever chained to his witless monkey companion.
He wasn't the type of person who could appreciate being responsible for other people, and didn't see the reason why he should ever be so cursed, but as much as he detested it, Goku was his to look after now. He had sealed himself to the monkey by taking his hand that day. A more forgiving man might have been able to learn to live with this sudden change in his life, but Sanzo rebelled against it with every fiber of his being.
Because even as his heart was trapped, it had also been dangerously freed. The thick ice he had used to surround his wounded soul cracked the instant his fingers closed around Goku's hand to pull him out of that living nightmare. They had both been lifted out of their own private torments in that one shining moment of connection. For Goku, that meant stepping into the sunlight and out into the world in the first time he could remember. For Genjyo Sanzo and the wounded, scarred boy Kouryuu that still lived within his heart, it meant the gradual destruction of the cold stone barriers he had erected to protect what was left of his fractured trust.
And ever since that moment when Son Goku had flooded into the hollow, aching places of his heart, never to be removed again, priest Genjyo Sanzo had felt his carefully fortified defenses slowly falling away.
It had become harder and harder to maintain his painstakingly established aloofness from the world around him. Every day became a new struggle to maintain walls he wasn't willing or prepared to let fall quite yet. And the worst test of his determination had been Son Goku himself.
Stupid monkey he may be- voracious, uncouth and uneducated, yes. But he belonged with Sanzo in a way that nothing and no one ever had before, except possibly for his old master. They completed each other, filled in the gaps that each had tried so hard to overcome. Having Goku at his side felt more natural to Sanzo than anything else ever had.
Sometimes too natural, perhaps. He was attached now, no doubt about it, and it went against everything he'd tried so hard to believe in. But how did one fight one's fate? Destiny had brought them together for some reason he had yet to discern, and that was not something so easily cast aside.
The only way for him to attempt to maintain his distance from Goku, if in appearances only, was to avoid any hint of kindness or tenderness to the boy. It was all too easy sometimes. Being so tightly held to another person was still trying to him and he vented that frustration on the monkey. He was far from a kind man to begin with, and Goku was usually at the receiving end of his verbal assaults and his fan. Of course, it helped that the idiot animal was constantly whining or up to some kind of mischief. Both tended to leave Sanzo frothing at the mouth. He knew he was overreacting and he didn't much care. If the monkey was gonna force his way into the priest's life, he was gonna have to be prepared for the consequences.
Sanzo also knew he was being cruel to Goku, who could not have left him if he'd wanted to, just as Sanzo could never truly abandon him. Theirs was too deep a dependence. Neither of them spoke of it. It wasn't something that could really be put into words. Instead, they had settled for a silent, subconscious, yet mutual understanding.
Sometimes Sanzo wondered where this bond would take them if given any sort of encouragement. He'd shied away from the question for years, kicking himself for being such a coward about it the whole time. How could a man as supposedly self-aware and arrogant as he was allow himself to be scared of something so stupid?
Still, he knew he wasn't ready for any more advancement in the chains between them. That first touch had been too much, too charged with emotion and possibility. He hated himself for it, but he was afraid of where that force would lead them.
So Sanzo avoided touching the little chimp, except when necessary. It hadn't been difficult so far, since he'd never been comfortable with being touched to begin with. But there were times, yes… times when he'd had to struggle not to reach out and lay a hand on Goku's shoulder. Or take the boy in his arms and hold him as tightly as the chains around the priest's heart held him. Every day it became more of a challenge to project the image of the uncaring, haughty monk to the one person he was slowly realizing he could no longer imagine living without.
And every touch they did share, every accidental brush of Goku's flesh on his, was still as affecting as that first brief moment of intensity.
There was no middle ground between them and there never could be.
Nothing could come between them. And that scared Sanzo the most.