"Well, because," Usagi started. Her words hung in the air for several moments why she tried to distinguish the reason in her mind. Could she put that feeling into words; was it even possible? She didn't want to say it wrong and have Harry think her motivation for attempting was stupid, hardly a reason at all.
However, when it came down to it, she didn't want Harry to hate her for what she'd done. Her attempt warped her relationship with her family, with Motoki and Naru and Umino. What reason would anyone, especially Harry Potter, have to hang out with some depressed suicidal maniac? There was no reason, and she didn't want to lose another friend. She didn't want to voice her reason.
"I have to tell the whole story and it's going to sound kind of weird. Just brace yourself, okay?" Usagi warned, abandoning her internal war. When Harry nodded, she knew there was no turning back. "I was Princess Serenity of the White Moon in my past life, and now I am the champion of justice in Japan known as Sailor Moon, or at least I was." At the dumbfounded expression on Harry's face, she merely shrugged.
"I told you it was weird. Anyway, I wasn't the only one. I had protectors, the royal princesses of each planet in the solar system, and sailor soldier of each planet in the future. The four inner guardians were Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter, and the outer guardians were Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.
"Then there was Endymion, the prince of the Earth. In our past lives, our love was forbidden because of controversy between our kingdoms. In the future, however, we were destined to be married and establish the kingdom of Crystal Tokyo. Are you following?" Usagi turned her eyes back to Harry, who nodded his response. If the look on her face hadn't been so nostalgic, he wouldn't have believed a word of it.
"As soldiers and guardians of our planets, we fought forces of evil in Japan called youma. The word 'youma' itself means monster in Japanese, so you can imagine they came in all sorts of forms, some attractive, some hideous, and some almost human-like. In the end, they were minions to a central power that we defeated eventually.
"We fought together for a long time and, as a result, became very close friends. When you share so many experiences, especially as soldiers fighting evil, a bond grows that can't be broken easily, you know? We understood each other better than anyone else ever could. After we defeated Chaos, the ultimate enemy, we knew that our fight was over. We could finally enjoy peaceful lives.
"Then, one night, another evil came unexpectedly. He captured my brother, Shingo, and lured the sailor soldiers out of their peaceful existence, me specifically. He killed Shingo, and then the sailor soldiers one by one, but all I could do was watch. My friends, my sisters, were ripped away, and then the love of my life.
"Yet, he didn't grant me the freedom of death. He left me there, in the Tokyo streets, with all my friends dead around me. He said he wanted me to live, to suffer the death of my loved ones, and that he'd return to kill me when the time was right. I tried to bring my friends back. I tried to use the Ginzuishou, the crystal that I get all my powers from, but it wouldn't respond to my pleas.
"A week later, my mom rushed me to the hospital because I'd slit my wrists in my bedroom. My dad had to break down the door to get in. Then, the day I met you in the retirement home, I'd taken a whole bottle of Tylenol a few hours before. My mom took me to therapists, but what could I tell them? How could I explain it?
"I couldn't live anymore, Harry, not after what had happened, after everything I'd seen. I have nightmares, and I can still see it when I close my eyes, and I can still hear it when it gets quiet. To die seems cowardly, I know, but...I'm not really living anymore. I try but, I never feel the same. No matter how happy I try to be, I know it's not real."
Usagi stopped, her eyes swimming behind tears as she tried to level her shaky voice again. Harry sat silently, almost looking stupefied, until he reached out his hands. Usagi didn't notice the raven-haired boy's movement until his hands grabbed her own. She flinched, and as he turned her wrists upward to view her scars she jerked her hands back.
"Harry Potter you've been back here for more than 20 minutes now" Madam Pomfrey stopped on her tirade when she met the eyes of Usagi. Her jaw hung open for several seconds, until Usagi spoke.
"Um...hi," She mumbled. The nurse nearly pounced on her, instructing Harry to wait outside. Usagi watched him go with wide eyes, until her view was blocked by the curtains around her bed. Harry chuckled to himself at the overzealous nurse and sat down to wait. A good five minutes later, Usagi burst through the curtains, pulling on her robes to readjust them.
"I'm fine Madame Pomfrey. I need to go to the common room to catch up on stuff." She argued as the nurse appeared behind her, insisting she stay overnight. Desperate, Usagi hauled Harry to his feet and pulled him towards the exit. Catching on, Harry sprinted beside her as they left the hospital wing quite unceremoniously.
Usagi laughed as Pomfrey appeared in the doorway behind them, screaming her lungs out. Harry grinned over at her, but as they slowed to a walk, neither of them spoke. The thought of Harry treating her differently now weighed heavily on the blonde's mind. Without realizing it, she'd come to a dead stop in the middle of the hall. Harry was waving his hand in her face, trying to snap her out of it.
"Hey! Please don't freak out on me again. Can you hear me?" He asked frantically. Usagi blinked in confusion a few times before she broke into a soft smile.
"I'm okay, just thinking." She replied.
"Oh...about what," He inquired, encouraging her to start walking again. Slowly they made their way towards the Gryffindor commons again, Usagi brooding over whether to tell Harry what she'd really been thinking about. What if he really did dislike her now?
"Do you...do you think I'm stupid for what I did? You know, attempting suicide?" She finally asked, bracing herself for the expected answer. To her surprise, Harry shook his head, tousling his already messy hair.
"I think I can understand how close you were with your friends. Losing them all at once must have been devastating. I'm just glad you weren't successful." Usagi looked up in disbelief, absorbing the smile that Harry was giving her. She found herself smiling back, her eyes sparkling with happiness.
"Thank you so much, Harry. You really don't know how much that means to me." They reached the portrait of the fat lady, and shared a glance before saying the password. Harry stepped in first, and as Usagi followed behind she heard the shout from Hermione.
"Harry! We've been so worried, where have you been?" The brunette asked, running over to them. Ron wasn't very far behind, though he didn't look quite as frantic as the girl beside him. Harry stared at Hermione, looking mildly surprised, but simply shrugged his response.
"I was in the hospital wing." He replied. Hermione looked slightly miffed at being brushed off, but it disappeared as soon as she spotted Usagi. The blonde girl laughed, cutting her off before she could speak.
"I'm fine, I just had a really bad case of the flu. Madame Pomfrey didn't want anyone else to catch it." Usagi explained, sending a pointed glance at Harry. He nodded in return, and rolled his eyes when Hermione sent him a look that said 'I told you so.' Usagi chatted with the trio animatedly for a while before parting. As she made her way across the common room, she crept up behind Lee Jordan and placed her hands over his eyes. "Guess who?"
"Um...Neville?" Usagi laughed.
"Not quite." Lee grinned as he pulled her hands away, turning to face her.
"Hullo Usa, what's up?"
"Nothing really, where's Fred and George?" Usagi inquired, looking around for the red-headed twins.
"I'm not sure, they left a while ago." Lee responded.
"Oh. What are you working on?" Usagi asked, peering over his shoulder at the parchment in front of him.
"Just finished an essay for Snape," Lee replied, putting his homework away.
"Do you want to go for a walk with me?" Usagi asked, glancing out the window.
"Yeah, sure."
"Oh, what's that?" Usagi asked, pointing to the large stadium across the grass. She marveled at the tall hoops and elevated stands before turning to Lee for her answer.
"That is the Quidditch pitch, where they play Quidditch. Harry, Fred, and George play on the Gryffindor team, but it was cancelled this year because of the Triwizard tournament." Lee replied offhandedly, looking around them in confusion. "Where are we going again?"
"To the forbidden forest. You don't mind, do you?" Usagi said, looking into the dark woods that loomed ahead of them. The place still freaked her out, but she felt something pulling her there and had an idea what it was. At the sunset, however, the woods looked a hundred times more menacing than usual. Lee stared for a moment, clearly surprised, before he shrugged.
"That's fine with me." He answered. When they approached the forest, Usagi stepped forward and laid her hand on the trunk of the nearest tree, closing her eyes. Lee watched silently, wondering what on earth his blonde friend was doing. She creased her brow in concentration as she called for the person she was looking for. 'I knew he was here.'
"Helios," she muttered, just loud enough for Lee to hear her. He was about to ask who Helios was, but was interrupted by the loud neighing sound over their heads. His jaw dropped when he saw the winged horse swoop down and land in front of Usagi. Casually, the blonde stretched her hand out and patted its nose affectionately.
"Usagi, is that a unicorn?" Lee asked, still openly staring at the creature, thought he'd managed to close his mouth.
"Not quite. Helios is a pegasus. You can't touch him if you want, he won't hurt you." The red eyes of the pegasus glanced at Usagi reproachfully, but she only smiled at him. Lee reached his hand out, somewhat nervously, and patted Helios's nose. The horse nuzzled his palm and the boy relaxed. "See? He likes you."
'Princess, I need to speak with you alone.' Helios's voice echoed in her mind. Usagi looked down sadly before sighing, her smile returning full force.
"I'll come and see you later, ne Helios?" She said, letting go as the horse flapped its wings and disappeared over the forest. The blonde watched her fried go silently, the sadness seeping back into her eyes.
"You have unicorn friends too?" Lee jested, trying to pull the girl back to Earth.
"Helios isn't a unicorn." Usagi protested softly, still staring up at the sky. Lee glanced at her worriedly, but she turned back towards him with a bright smile, her sadness gone completely. "Come one, let's go back. I'm sure I have a ton of homework to do." She turned and sprinted back towards the castle, leaving Lee standing there confused.
"Hey! Wait up!" He shouted, running after her.
You know, revising this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be at first.
§SachiNyoko§ 'No man can make you feel inferior without your consent.' (Eleanor Roosevelt)