Days have passed by since that night Mulder came back to life. Mulder has been in the hospital recuperating and as usual John has been my companion at night. We still work together but it's becoming harder and harder to hide our relationship. And it's only a matter of time before Mulder insists on coming back to The X-Files. I know him all too well to know that that will be forthcoming. And when it does…I will have to 'face the music' so to speak. But I will have no one to blame but myself. So far, John has been silent about this issue. He tells me that he trusts my decision whatever it ends up being and will respect me no matter what. He is truly a wonderful man just for saying that.
He has never questioned the days that I spent with Mulder in the hospital. Even though he was barely coherent at times, at least Mulder knew that I was there. I try and figure out over and over in my mind just why he was brought back to me? Was this some kind of karma for me going to John? But who would want to miss out on an opportunity if it were presented to them? As far as I knew, Mulder was dead. I had to think of my future…of my baby's future. Is that such a crime? A mother looking out for her child?
John came again to me last night and told me that he had received word that Mulder was being released from the hospital within the next few days. When he told me the news, I cried but not out of joy. I cried because it meant I was going to have to face what I had been avoiding for so long. The sad thing is, I'm not ready. I sound just like a little girl don't I? Please Mommy? Give me just another five minutes to play? That is what I am doing here in a way, playing. But I'm playing with two men's hearts and emotions, which is one of the most serious games of all. And in this game, there is no prize for second place.
Last night, I asked John to let me spend one last intimate moment with him. To have one final night of not dealing with the realities of the world. There I go being a child again, right? But even if it was frivolous, it was wonderful to be lost in John's caresses and whispers. To feel him inside me and hear the echoes of passion as we cried out each other's names. And I loved falling asleep and waking up in his arms. Will this be the last time I have that? The time has come for you to face your demons, Dana.
I'm brought out of my thoughts as I hear a knock on my door. I can almost feel deep inside me who it is before I even get up to answer the door. And to me right now, the knocks sound like a tolling death bell. Or is it more appropriate to call them judgment bells before someone is brought before a jury? I rise up from my side of the bed and glance at John a moment before grabbing my robe. Wrapping it around myself I close the door and head to the living room. Why am I choosing to try and cover myself up? It wouldn't matter if I were wearing something that was said to be see-through proof, he would see right through it anyway. Just like he will see through me now. I run my hands through my messed up hair trying to make it less obvious of what I spent my night doing. Maybe if he sees how tired I appear, he'll just go away for the day? This hope clings to me as I open the door. Perhaps I'm wrong and he won't be standing there? Am I just being paranoid for nothing?
Sure enough, standing before me is the man I had hoped to avoid until I was able to truly get my thoughts together, Fox Mulder. I don't know who looks more ragged at this point, he or I? It's obvious he was up all night as well although not for the same reasons I'm sure. "Scully? I know it's early but….can I come in?"
I sigh. What am I supposed to do? Say no? If I turn him away now, he'll be even more suspicious that something is going on with me. For when have I ever refused to let him in? "Mulder, what…what are you doing here? I thought you weren't supposed to be released until…"
"They released me this morning."
"And you left all by yourself?" Part of me wants to ask why he didn't try and call me to come and get him but I decide against it.
"Actually, Skinner came down to pick me up."
Skinner came to pick him up? He called Skinner instead of me? I can feel my stomach clenching. Now I know that something is wrong for him to call Skinner in place of me. I can almost feel anger building up inside me. Was Skinner there administering to him every day? Was Skinner the one who chose him to be the father of his child? I know these thoughts sound ridiculous but to me they are logical. "Oh, well…at least you didn't leave alone then."
"Scully, can I please come in?"
There is now no doubt in mind that he wants to talk. There is no use prolonging it and John is asleep in the bedroom with the door closed. But despite that fact, I feel like the fox that has been caught in the chicken coop. How ironic that I chose a fox huh? "Sure, please come in." I reply as I move to the side. As soon as Mulder is inside, I close the door. "Can….can I get you any coffee or anything?"
Mulder glances around the room as if he is in a trance or something. "No, I'm…I'm good." He takes a seat on the couch. "Your apartment still looks the same except I think you may have added a couple refinements to it since I've been…"
I don't even want him to finish that statement, as he'll bring up his abduction. I don't want to be reminded about it anymore so I quickly cut him off. "Yes, the…Pier One downtown had a Going Out of Business sale so I took advantage of it."
"It's not just that though." Mulder replies back. "It's almost….the atmosphere here. Seems like it's different or something?"
He doesn't know about John….does he? "Maybe it has to do with the air filter I have. Mom got it for me said it was supposed to help pregnant women or something."
"Come and sit next to me, Scully."
I slowly make my way over to the couch and carefully ease myself on it. "Why have you come here, Mulder?"
His eyes wander to my stomach. "Can…can I touch it?"
He is the father of my child so who am I to deny him that? I nod my head slowly.
A smile spreads across his face as he runs his hand slowly across my swollen belly. "I…I still can't believe it happened. I'm so happy for you. I just wish I could have been here to support you through all this. Do you know the sex yet?"
"I chose not to know. I want to be surprised." I then gasp as I feel a movement from my stomach.
Mulder's eyes instantly light up as he pulls his hand away. "Wow, that's….that's incredible! Our baby kicked!"
I want to smile along with him but I can't. John has felt the baby kick several times and has spoken to my belly many nights. At this point, he is a more suitable father now. I just want to get this over with now. "Mulder, what….what did you want to talk to me about? I'm just really tired and…"
He sighs. "Scully, I just wanted to apologize for being gone all this time. Just when….things had started to work out between us. When I felt like my world was finally starting to improve…I was taken away from you. I swear to you had I known what would happen when I went back to Bellefleur, I never would have gone."
In my mind, he is making me relive those days again. The night in his apartment that we consummated our relationship, the last time we spent together before he left for Oregon, me getting the news that he was gone as well as finding out I was pregnant. Damn him! He is making me go through this pain all over again! Make it stop! "Mulder, there is nothing to be sorry for. There's….there's no possible way you could have known what would happen."
"It was all because of my pursuit of the truth, Scully. You told me many times that if I kept on that path, that it would end up costing me something in the end. And it did this time. It cost me to miss out on the miracle that we both prayed for and almost to miss out on our child completely. I'm here to correct that now."
"Correct it?"
He reaches across and takes my hand. "Yes, correct it, Scully. I've done too many wrong things in my life. It's time for me to do some things right. And I'm going to start with you and our baby."
What is he talking about? If he wanted to do the right thing then he would walk out that door right now and not look back! "Mulder, please this….this isn't necessary."
"But it is, Scully." He replies, as he looks deep into my eyes. "I've been a fool these past eight years. It took me…seven years and an abduction by an alien race for me to open my eyes. To realize just how important you were to me."
Oh god please don't let him do this to me! "Mulder, this isn't the time to talk about this." Especially when John is lying in my bedroom!
"Remember what I confessed to you that night in my apartment when he first made love?" He takes a piece of my hair and places it behind my ear. "I said that I loved you, Scully and I still do. I know it hasn't been easy for you dealing with these things. I mean…we never really got much of a chance to completely resolve what happened between us because of work and such. But I want to do that now." He takes a deep breath and pulls out a tiny plush box from his pocket. He then moves off the couch until he is bending on one knee in front of me. Pulling open the box, he reveals an engagement ring with a diamond solitaire. "Marry me, Scully."
I stare down at the sparkling ring he is presenting to me. I am completely in shock at the gesture he has just made to me. This was absolutely the last thing that I expected. At first, nothing escapes my lips and then comes a sound of laughter. But this laughter is not one out of joy but rather out of unbelievability.
Mulder smiles as he looks back at me. "You know this is doing nothing for my guy self-esteem here."
I let out another laugh and then shake my head and cover my face. "You are absolutely crazy! Do you know that? This is…by far the most insane thing you have ever done!"
"Yeah, I know but I've changed, Scully."
"So, did you just…go out to the jewelry store and buy that thing as soon as you were released from the hospital?"
"No. I've….I've actually had this ring for months. I bought it shortly after that night we shared in my apartment. I was just…too scared to approach you with it. And…well before I had the chance to, I was taken away from you. But I'm not scared anymore." He takes my hand again. "Marry me, Scully. Be my wife and we can start a new future together with our child."
Normally, if I were staring back at those hopeful, hazel eyes I would be in tears by now. If I heard the story about how he has been keeping this engagement ring a secret because he didn't have the courage to approach me until now, I would be sobbing and touched. But too much has happened since he has been gone. Had he asked me to marry him when he first bought that ring, I may have considered but not now. "Mulder, I…I can't."
"You can't what?"
"I can't marry you."
Mulder chuckles. "What? It's not like we can hide our relationship from the Bureau anymore after your pregnancy. And I don't care what people say about us anymore anyway. And if you are really worried about us with the whole male/female partnership thing, I can just quit. It would be no problem. Oh wait, I get it you're just nervous right? I know it's a lot to take in right now so if you need to think about it, I understand."
"There's nothing to think about, Mulder."
"What?" He asks looking at me with an unbelieving expression on his face.
"My answer is no, Mulder."
I can see the brightness leaving his eyes and being replaced by uncertainty and confusion. "What? I….I don't understand. I would think with us getting ready to have a baby together that getting married would be what you wanted?"
"Mulder, I don't want our baby being born out of wedlock anymore than you do. But…I can't marry you just because I want to avoid that. There is more to marriage than just simply avoiding a scandal or bad reputation."
"Avoiding a….scandal? Scully, this has nothing to do with avoiding a scandal. This has to do with us being together!"
"You think I don't know that?"
"Are…are you saying that you don't want to be with me?" The silence he receives from me gives him his answer. He snaps the box shut and moves away from me. "I…I don't believe this. After all this time…after all these years, after EVERYTHING that we have been through together, you DON'T want to be with me? What the hell has changed, Scully? Why have YOU changed?"
"How have I changed, Mulder? You have absolutely NO CLUE to what I have been going through these past few months!"
"Yeah, well excuse me but I was kind of in a space ship being drilled into!" Mulder shoots back.
"You have been gone ALL this time! Then you…you show up in my life again, dead! And then, just when I think I've finally recovered, you come back!"
"You are acting like I planned that to happen on purpose or something!"
"I died that day in the hospital!"
He looks back at me confused. "What are you talking about?"
"When I was lying in that hospital bed, finding out I was pregnant and then getting the news that you were gone…" I take a swallow. "I died that day."
"Oh you died that day and yet here you are refusing to marry me!" Mulder scoffs.
"Look, I can't expect you to understand." I reply as I push myself carefully off the couch. Right now, I just want him to leave. Take that engagement ring and leave!
He rises from the floor and steps up to me. "But I want to understand, Scully! I want to understand why you claim I meant so much to you that day in the hospital and now you are practically pushing me aside!"
I can hear both of our voices rising in both pitch and volume. I realize now it is only a matter of time before John wakes up and wonders what is going on. And that is the LAST thing I need to deal with right now! "Mulder, please. Can't…can't we just talk about this another time?"
"You have to be kidding me! I come here to propose to you, you refuse me and you want to talk about this LATER!" He runs his hand through this hair. "Dammit, Scully what has happened to you?"
Right now, I just want to yell back at him but I know this is not the time or place. "Mulder, please. I'm….I'm tired. I was up most of the night because…"
"Scully, I don't want to leave things like this. We need to talk about this now."
"Mulder, please just leave for a while. Give…give me a chance to get myself together and then I promise you we can talk more about this."
"Scully, I'm not going to want to talk about this later."
I start moving him toward the front door. "Mulder, I need time. I'll….I'll call you."
He looks back at me. "Why are you pushing me out?"
"I'm not. I…I just feel sick."
"Sick? Do you need to go to the hospital? Is it the baby?"
"I just need some rest." I answer as I unlock the door.
"Rest? Scully, if you're feeling sick you should really…" He stops as he hears a door open in the background and turns around.
In the bedroom doorway stands John in his boxers." Dana, are ya ok? I heard this shouting and…" John stops as he sees Mulder.
I let out a sigh as my worst fear has just come to fruition. "Mulder…."
"Shut up." Mulder replies as he continues to stare at John. "This isn't happening. It didn't happen."
"It…it happened, Mulder." I whisper.
"You and….and…." He shakes his head. "I can see why you needed that rest now."
"Mulder, please let me…"
"No, no explanation is necessary, Scully. I'll leave you to your…rest. Good-bye, Scully." He then opens the door and slams it behind him.
As the door slams, I feel like the door in my heart has slammed as well. I close my eyes and put my hand to my mouth. I have hurt him and now there is nothing I can do. I place my hand on my stomach and then let the tears come.