Author's notes at the bottom...

Chapter 7 - Forgiveness

Atton was throwing pazaak cards moodily at the wall. He had tried playing for a little while, but failing to be able to concentrate enough to count, he had given up in sheer disgust. He couldn't think of a time he hadn't been able to play pazaak before.

Mical walked in and narrowly missed having a pazaak card thrown at his head.

"What?" snarled Atton.

"I… wanted to let the others know when we would be landing," he asked cautiously, sensing that Atton was even more hostile than usual.

"I don't know. Within the hour, I guess. Now get out."

Mical immediately backed out of the cockpit, leaving Atton to his own devices – much to the latter's relief. Atton didn't know what to think. To his surprise, Jena hadn't asked him to leave the Ebon Hawk… but nor had she asked him to stay. She hadn't said anything; anything, save one sentence as she stared at him with eyes that were haunting him still – "This is a lot to bear… and a lot to forgive." And then with a white face she had walked out without a glance at him. He shuddered over the memory. That look was something he had never seen in her eyes before… almost how he imagined a harmless gizka would look if he had been petting it, and suddenly started choking it with his hands. Yet it had seemed so strangely familiar… Betrayal, hurt, horror… and something else, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. And with a pang, he realized what it was.

Fear? That can't be it. I've never seen her be afraid of anything, least of all me. It's almost like she… could no longer feel fear after what she's been through. I really don't want to be the one responsible for bringing it out of her again. He shook his head. No…no, that can't have been it. I must be wrong.

He however felt he was right. He had seen that very look before, but on someone else. Someone he preferred not to think about, but someone he had had to tell her about. Flashes of the words he had spoken to Jena started coming to mind.

Said that there was a place where Revan sent all Jedi to break them – turn them into dark Jedi… Said I had the Force in me, and that if that was discovered, I'd be sent there too…I hurt her… a lot… and suddenly she showed me the Force in my head… I think I loved her – but it wasn't that kind of love… killed her for crawling in my head, for showing me that… before, I was thinking I'd love to kill her – and at the end I killed her because I loved her…

He got up quickly, as though walking would successfully obliterate the memory. He headed toward the main hold in an effort to get those words out of his head, to try and forget again… or if he couldn't forget, then to at least be able to pretend the memory wasn't there. Guilt was still a fairly new feeling to him, and he couldn't cope with it very well. On his way to the main hold, he fleetingly wondered what would happen if Jena was there. He however doubted that would be the case. The way she had stormed off, he couldn't exactly picture her doing her mundane routine activities, teasing HK-47 as she seemed to enjoy doing – much to his alarm. She'd likely be avoiding contact with anyone. He knew he certainly would. In fact, he started to question why he was even leaving the cockpit at all; he was certainly in no position to be able to deal with the likes of Mical right now, as was made evident by their earlier exchange. He turned and took a step back toward from whence he came. And then he heard voices – and distinctly heard his own name. He stopped.

"Don't go in there," Mical warned. "Atton's in one of his… moods."

"Yeah, that's sort of what I figured," replied Mira. "I saw Jena storm out of the cockpit and she practically pushed me out of her way. I bet he had something to do with it. Wouldn't be the first time he did or said the wrong thing. Can't say I've ever seen her quite like this, though. This happen a lot?"

"No," replied Mical quietly. "She never loses her temper. Well, not in this manner. I… I went to see her to let her know we would be landing soon. She's hiding out in the cargo hold, of all places. I told her we'd be arriving on Dantooine soon, and she deliberately turned her back to me and ignored me. It's very odd. I guess she wants to be left alone. So try to avoid the cargo hold."

Atton silently retreated back to the cockpit. Why do people keep having conversations about me right at my door? Does it never cross their minds that I might come out at some point?

He picked up the pazaak cards he had abandoned, put up his feet and resumed throwing cards at the wall. He shook his head… the cargo hold! Well, she was likely just meditating in there and got annoyed when Mical walked in on her. She'll probably come back soon with some weird cryptic message.

But he knew that wasn't true. Jena was never cryptic… Well, hardly ever – and usually, she only did it to get on his nerves. She knew it drove him crazy. Yeah, she sure liked to drive him crazy. Forgetting the present circumstances, he smiled, fondly recalling some of the ways she'd managed to exasperate him in the past… Like that time on Peragus… Well, actually, it was pretty much the entire time we were on Peragus. I hated her so much I probably would have left her there if I'd had a choice. Then again, she was the hottest girl that paid any attention to me in a long time – WAY too long – so I'd have to have been a special kind of stupid to abandon her. He depicted her in his mind as she had looked when she had first come barging into the room where he was locked up – disheveled, demanding, bossy, half-naked… He chuckled a bit – but then the words she had coldly uttered before exiting the cockpit a few minutes prior flashed into his head again… His smile vanished instantly and he felt something twist and turn in his chest. Not wanting to start focusing on that again, he tried to lighten his mood a little. Well, she probably won't kick me off the ship because they still need me around to fly this rust bucket… But she probably won't trust me or talk to me anymore. And I certainly won't have any more of a shot with her, assuming I had one in the first place. She'll probably marry her Mical and have a bunch of little Jedi babies. The ludicrousness of the thought made him laugh despite everything. Okay, so maybe she won't marry Mical and have little Jedi babies. I just—Oh crap! He suddenly noticed Dantooine getting really big in the window. He threw the remainder of his cards onto the floor and promptly put his feet down. I have to land this thing!

As soon as the ship was on firm ground, he stood up with a heavy heart to go attend the briefing that generally took place immediately after landing. Jena would usually gather her troops and let them know her strategy. This time however, Atton stepped into the main hold only to see Jena briskly sweep past everyone and head directly toward the exit ramp without as much as a glance at anyone.

"Uh… are we not going to discuss the plan of action?" enquired Atton, mentally kicking himself as he spoke for opening his mouth at all. None of the others were saying anything… somebody had to! I just wish it hadn't been me. Why didn't anybody else say anything? Why do I always have to be the one putting his foot in his mouth?

Jena stopped. She slowly turned around and faced the entire crew with a cold, detached look on her face. "No… I mean, not yet… I need some time alone for a moment, if you don't mind," she said, carefully avoiding Atton's steady gaze. "I'll… I'll be back shortly. Just need… time alone to… center… myself," she faltered. Immediately regaining her composure, she added, "Mical, please see that I'm not bothered."

"Certainly." He threw a black look at Atton's direction, clearly indicating that he thought he must have had something to do with this. But Atton was past caring what Mical did, said or thought, as he watched Jena running down the exit ramp. The others glanced questioningly at each other, except Kreia who stood very still, staring wordlessly at the empty ramp. Atton didn't hesitate for long. The hell with it. He started making his way toward the exit ramp as well.

…behaving like a petulant child?…

The fragmented thought that flashed in Atton's head startled him, and he wondered where it had come from. He felt quite certain he it hadn't originated from him. Hell, I'm not even sure I know what 'petulant' means. Yet somehow, he had heard it – or felt it. He frowned, but shrugged it off immediately – he had bigger concerns. One of those concerns was getting past Mical, who had noticed where he was headed and had proceeded to block his path.

"Atton, she said she wanted to be—"

"Left alone. Yeah, I got that. But I have to talk to her. So back off.

Mical eyed him suspiciously and did not budge.

Atton sighed resignedly. "Look, the way I see it, if she doesn't want to see me, she can tell me herself." He looked straight ahead and his eyes locked with Mical's. "Please?" he entreated, lowering his voice.

Mical stared silently at Atton for a moment, clearly trying to read his thoughts. Atton immediately caught on to what he was doing. I don't think so, buddy… Mical finally reluctantly yielded, stepping aside, but warned, "Very well… but Atton… if you hurt her…"

"I think I already have," muttered Atton miserably, walking out.

He stepped out onto the landing pad and looked around. He was alone. Well, this certainly was… strange. Where had she gone? Atton didn't think he left that long after her… he should still have been able to see her… but she was just—gone!

Right – the Jedi thing. Running really fast and all that stuff. How do I keep forgetting the fact she's a Jedi? Maybe I just don't want her to be one… I mean, seriously… Jedi… He shuddered. All right… enough of that. How do I find her? Let me think… I'm a girl, I'm a Jedi, I'm upset, where would I—Oh for crying out loud, this will never work. Like I can understand women OR Jedi. I guess I'll just walk around and hope I find her. Good thing I have my blasters with me; I hear the kinrath in these parts are murder.

Atton started walking toward Khoonda. Wow, this certainly would be easier if I had actually been here before… they only let me off the ship once while we were here, and I was embarrassing enough for them to want to hide me for the rest of our stay… I think Jena felt a little bad about it though. She always did stick up for me even when all the others were against me… She believed in me, even when the others thought I was lower than dirt… and I pay her back by proving that I am lower than dirt. No wonder she won't talk to me. Atton looked around. Okay, this is nuts. I'll never find her like this. She won't be at the Jedi Enclave yet, because she won't be up to seeing those Jedi yet… though why she would want to see a bunch of Jedi in the first place is beyond me… and she won't want to be around people, so she won't be anywhere near Khoonda. At least, I wouldn't think. I doubt I'll be well received if I ask one of these people if they've seen a Jedi… they probably still hate Jedi despite the fact she just saved their necks. He wracked his brain trying to think of any other clues. Maybe if I'd actually asked her stuff about herself in the past I might have an idea… instead of always trying to con her into playing pazaak with Nar Shaddaa rules…Never exactly made me come across as Mr. Sensitivity…

He walked a little further, and frowned. All right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing here anyway? She clearly doesn't want to be found. I'll just go back to the ship and wait for her along with the others, like I should have done in the first place.

He turned around and just as he was about to start walking back, he caught something in the corner of his eye, off in the distance. Was that…? Yes! It was Jena! Sitting by a stream! …Was she… meditating? As Atton drew closer to her, he could see that she was not only meditating, but that she also looked… very much at peace. He almost hated to disturb her. That's strange… the way she left the ship in a huff, I would've almost expected to find her crying her eyes out. Mind you, she's never really been the crying type. Atton could think of many situations she had been in since they met where he probably would have cried – yet she had always remained calm, always kept her cool. He slowed down his pace, trying to be as silent as possible. He didn't think he had made any noise, but she suddenly opened her eyes, looked right at him and smiled faintly, beckoning at him. The hurt, the resentment, the horror, and most importantly, the fear – all were gone from her eyes. He sat down on the grass next to her.

"Why did you run off like that?" he said a little reproachfully. "I think you confused everyone on board, even that old witch."

"I'm sorry." She spoke very softly, staring at the stream. "I needed to get away to… to center myself. I feel a lot better now."

"Well, that's good…" He was absent-mindedly throwing pebbles into the stream, his eyes fixated on his boots.

"Atton, it's… it's okay. What you told me." She never took her eyes off the stream. "We've all made some bad choices in the past… but what matters is the present. Your past is what made you who you are… and I wouldn't change that for anything."

Atton's eyes still focused on his boots, but his heart started beating a little faster and his face lit up as he took in what she had said. A smile slowly developed on his lips. Was she… was she… forgiving him?

"Of course I forgive you, Atton," she said slowly.

Atton's smile dropped as he turned rapidly and gaped at her. Has she been reading my thoughts?

"Of course I haven't been reading your thoughts, Atton," said Jena with mischievous eyes.

"You have! But how… how—?" asked Atton, dismayed. There was no anger in his voice – only bewilderment. He was convinced he had been carefully shielding his thoughts.

Jena burst into peals of laughter. "I haven't, silly! I just know you. I find it so easy to know what you think, sometimes. More than anybody else I've ever known."

"Oh." He was too relieved to realize the deeper meaning hidden behind what she had just said.

"You should have seen your face…" she laughed. "All worried that all of a sudden I could access all your weird twisted fantasies."

He scoffed at her. "Believe me, sister, if you had seen those, you're the one who'd be worried right about now," he replied smugly.

"Not as worried as you'd be if you could see mine…" she retorted with impish laughter.

Atton raised an interested eyebrow. Now this conversation was getting somewhere! However, much to his chagrin, Jena changed the topic and looked serious for a moment.

"Look… Atton… there's one more thing I've got to ask…"

His smile vanished as he vaguely wondered what else she could possibly have to ask him. He had told her everything, after all. She immediately noticed the change and tried to retract what she had said. "It's nothing big… you don't… you don't even have to tell me… not if you don't want to… I… I was just curious…"

Atton smiled inwardly, but tried hard not to let it show. She looks so adorable when she's flustered. "All right… what do you want to know?" he simply asked, as soberly as he could.

"I was just curious about what happened on Dxun…" she began cautiously. "In the temple… you seemed so… calm after you got back. Calmer than I've ever known you to be."

"Oh. That. Well, I guess I just had to prove something to myself, and I'd never had the chance to put it to the test till then."

"What was it?"

Atton smiled enigmatically. "Nothing I didn't already know…"

Author's Notes: Thank you very much to everybody who's reviewed my story so far... I'm very happy to know you like it. :) I'm especially happy you seem to have liked chapter 6, because quite frankly, it was a little hellish to write. As was this one, for that matter... The whole Atton confession thing gave me nightmares. I had to watch that confession scene in the game ad nauseum, just so I could get it right. I also had chapter 7 written out and I hated it, so I wound up re-writing most of it. I hope it turned out to your liking. Please let me know what you think! (as fikitte suggested, I opened up reviews so anonymous users can review as well... we'll see how that goes.)