Chapter 16 – Rest

"You're not a very… good soldier, you know… can't follow orders."

Jena smiled weakly from beneath the many bandages Mical had wrapped around her. Atton, who had been pacing outside the medical room ever since they entered hyperspace, had finally been given permission to go in and see her for a short time. He sat down on the bed. "I never said I was a good soldier," he smiled.

"I guess it's… a good thing you're not… because I'd still be… on Malachor if you were."

He laughed. "Don't you go blaming this all on me! I was helpless until those guys showed up… couldn't even get you out of the room we were in."

"Still… if you hadn't been there…"

He put his finger to her lips. "Shh…" he said soothingly. "Maybe we should stop talking… You've been through a lot and you need your rest… do you want Mical to kick me out because I got you too worked up?" He smiled kindly.

Ignoring his request, she propped herself up on her elbows.

"She… she made me think you were dead."

"I know," he replied softly, wincing at the memory. And suddenly, the words he had heard at that moment, but had forgotten, came back to him.

No…

"You know?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes. I… I felt it. Sensed it. Sensed… what you felt. What you saw. Mical says we have a bond."

No… Atton!

"She was manipulating me… took over my mind..."

No… Atton! I love you!

He closed his eyes briefly. He then got up, gently kissed her forehead, and said, "You need your rest. I'll have Mical to deal with if you don't get well as quickly as he would like you to, because he'll be sure to blame me." He brushed her hair out of her face gently. "I'll be back once you've rested a bit." He kissed the top of her head and walked out.

On his way back to the cockpit, Mical ambushed him.

"How is she doing? You didn't try and get her to talk, did you?"

"No, Mical…" he said, rolling his eyes. "She insisted on talking to me, but I left before she got too worked up." He sighed. "She… she's not looking so good," he added quietly.

"I know," Mical replied sympathetically. "But I'm… I'm sure she's looking a lot better than if you hadn't been there to save her."

Atton sighed. "I don't know that I did… I think it's because of me that she was in danger in the first place."

"Atton, surely you don't really think that. She would have left to seek out Kreia regardless."

"Yes, but her feelings for me are what endangered her."

He continued walking in an effort to leave the conversation, but Mical followed him into the cockpit.

"Her feelings for you? You mean she… she told you how she felt?" Mical's voice had a strange ring to it. Is he… is he jealous?

"No, of course not," replied Atton promptly. "I was just going based on what you told me." No point in telling him what I remembered… none of his business anyway. Why should I tell him?

Mical walked away and Atton settled himself wearily into the pilot seat. He felt tired – so tired. He fell asleep the instant he sat down. A tap on his shoulder woke him up minutes later. He started violently.

"Hey, get up!" said Mira. "It's my turn to baby-sit the cockpit. You go get some real sleep in an actual bed."

"It's okay, I'm fine in…"

"Get up!" ordered Mira with such vigor that Atton jumped out of his seat immediately. "Look, I know you've got a death wish and all… taking off to rescue Jena like you did, you'd have to... You're lucky you didn't blow up. But you're not going to die on my watch." Mira glanced at him disapprovingly. "Look at you, you've got bags under your eyes all the way down to your chin… and you're still all dusty from Malachor. Do you ever bathe? Go get yourself cleaned up and get some rest. When's the last time you had any rest, anyway? I mean other than that 'nap' you took on Malachor." She put much emphasis on the word 'nap' and looked at Atton significantly. Atton opened his mouth in protest. She laughed. "Give me a break. I may be younger than you, but that still doesn't mean I was born yesterday. I know exactly what happened. I think we pretty much all do. It's not a big ship, you know. Word spreads."

Atton scoffed. "Are you telling me that Mical has told people about what happened between me and his precious Jena?"

"I don't know about that, but I can tell you that I found out because that homicidal droid started spitting out threats at the camera feed in the security room out of the blue, and whining something about his photoreceptors. You know, swearing just doesn't sound the same when prefixed by 'Enraged Exclamation'."

Atton swallowed. "'Enraged'?" he asked uneasily, unconsciously reaching for his lightsaber.

"Yeah… I'm sure he's simmered down now that you saved her, though."

"I didn't save…"

"Will you get out of here before I make you get out of here?" she asked angrily.

Atton meekly exited the cockpit and went to get somewhat cleaned up. He then headed to the portside dormitory, as he knew that was the only way he'd avoid Visas, and he simply didn't want to deal with anyone right then. He walked in, closed the door and collapsed on the first bed he found without bothering to take off his clothes, or even his boots. He chuckled to himself when he realized he had accidentally picked the same bed he had shared with Jena. He breathed in and closed his eyes: the pillow still smelled like her. He smiled, but his smile slowly started to fade as thoughts started racing through his mind… unpleasant thoughts. She was in danger because of you… because you couldn't keep your hands to yourself… because you didn't stay away from her like you'd said you would…because she fell for you and left herself wide open for that old witch to manipulate her. He groaned, burying his face into the pillow. I should have left her alone when Mira told me… If I had, maybe she wouldn't have been in so much danger… I endangered her when I was supposed to save her. Dammit! Why didn't I leave her alone? He laughed cynically. I can't seem to get away from guilt no matter what I do. I'm glad she was passed out when I told her I loved her… because now she doesn't know. She won't know. I can't endanger her like this anymore. I knew it was a bad idea to fall for a Jedi… But how could I have helped myself? He chuckled sleepily. I was right… I am getting soft… His thoughts were getting hazy. He breathed in, smiled sadly and fell asleep.

When he woke up, he felt as though he had only been sleeping for a few minutes. He knew it had to be longer than that because he did vaguely recall getting up once or twice, only to come right back to bed. How long have I been… Before he could finish that thought, he suddenly became very aware of a presence in the room. He opened his eyes and yelled out in surprise.

"Well, hello to you too," laughed Jena.

She sat at the foot of the bed, and had seemingly been watching him sleep. She looked… significantly better than when he had left her in the medical room. She was still bandaged up, but at least she had some color. He frowned.

"How long… how long have I been out?"

"Couple of days," she replied.

"Couple of… days?" he repeated, flabbergasted.

Jena laughed again. "I know! When I didn't see you come back to visit me, I asked about you… Mira said she'd sent you off to bed two nights ago because you looked like hell, and hadn't seen you since. I got… well, a little concerned… so I thought I'd check on you. Mical was…" She rolled her eyes. "Rather unwilling to let me go. Said I wasn't well enough. I told him off." Atton's eyes opened wide and she chuckled guiltily. "Poor kid… You should've seen his face… I'll apologize later, of course. I really do feel bad… I just don't like it when people start bossing me around, telling me what to do."

Atton snorted. "Yeah, I know that!" he said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" she asked defensively. He smiled smugly and stared at her. She giggled. "You know, you're getting pretty good at duplicating my stare of death."

"Guess I've been spending too much time with you, then," he teased, pretending to look annoyed.

"Oh, is that so?" she said with a twinkle in her eye. For a second, Atton thought she was going to pounce on him and nail him down to the bed. For a second, he also rather hoped she was. He shook his head to remove any ideas he was starting to entertain, and sat up quickly. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the last time they both were on that particular bed… and something told him she was thinking about it too. But he couldn't be thinking about that, not before they had a chance to talk, and certainly not before she had a chance to heal up properly. He was doing his best to try and keep his libido in check, but it wasn't working too well… very much like the last time they were both on that bed. Only this time he had that nagging guilt at the back of his mind that prevented him from acting on his desire for her.

"Jena, I just don't understand," he said soberly, in an effort to stop the sheer lust that was starting to overcome him. "How… how could she make you think I was dead?"

Jena's smile faded, and the sparkle in her eyes dulled.

"I… I was weakened by Malachor… and she was made more powerful by it. All those deaths… The Dark Side was strong there." She shuddered. "I became easy to manipulate. I… I forgot to shield my mind… like you had taught me…" she admitted shamefacedly. Because you'll be right here with me… playing pazaak… where they can't reach you. "I was weaker, and she took advantage of it. She took over my mind. Made me believe you were dead – made me see you dying, somehow – to try to break me, to show me how easily I could fall."

"Did it work?"

She laughed bitterly. "For a moment? Almost. I think it was the closest I'd ever gotten. I was devastated… and furious. I wanted revenge. But then I… I thought of you in the temple on Dxun… and thought that if you could turn your back on the Dark Side, then so could I."

Atton frowned slightly and looked perplexed. "I never told you what happened on Dxun."

Jena smiled faintly. "I also didn't need to tell you Kreia made me think you were dead for you to know."

Their eyes locked in understanding for a moment. Atton looked away. "Fair enough. So what happened next?"

"She laughed at me for falling for her trick… said I had been foolish to let my one weakness show… that I had almost made it too easy for her." Jena's bottom lip quivered slightly. "It was… It was horrifying… I… I saw you… you were all bloodied… mangled… and you had lost most of your arm… and you just lay there, making bad jokes as you were dying…"

"Yeah, that sounds about right. I can see why you would've thought that was really me," interjected Atton.

Jena ignored his comment and continued. "And then you told me… and then you told me…" She frowned and stopped.

"What did I tell you?" asked Atton gently.

She hesitated. Her eyes dropped. She spoke quietly, staring at her hands, blushing slightly. "And then you told me… that you loved me."

Loved you from the moment I first saw you… thought you were a dream…

Atton said nothing. I guess the old lady knew me better than I thought.

Jena laughed bitterly. "But I guess she only did that to try and upset me. And… and it worked; I was devastated." I know… I sensed it when none of the others could. "But I guess I was foolish to fall for her trick. I mean…" She wavered. "You don't… love me… do you?"

She looked up and gazed into his hazel eyes. She read deep into his soul. She saw the answer to her question, and he knew it, because he hadn't even bothered shielding his thoughts from her. He glanced away. It's your fault she was in danger. He frowned and replied gruffly, "No, of course not."

She brushed the side of his face with her hand. "Of course you don't," she said, smiling tenderly.