Chapter 18 – Questions and Answers

"Juma… and keep 'em coming."

Atton dropped down on one of the barstools. He looked around. The cantina was fairly crowded, music was playing, and Twi'leks were dancing on the stage. You wouldn't think these people had just gotten attacked by the Sith… I guess it's business as usual now that they're gone.

A drink was placed in front of him. He pounded it back immediately and gestured at the bartender for another one. The bartender glanced at him scrutinizingly and, thinking ahead, gave him two. Atton knocked them both back immediately. The nagging guilt and the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach were gone. He smiled. All right… Now I can relax. From the corner of his eye, he noticed someone staring at him: a man with short brown hair, with a few fringes falling over the side of his forehead. Atton turned and faced him. He looked familiar, but he couldn't place him.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" asked Atton.

The man smiled. "I don't think so… I was just watching because… well, I can't say I've ever seen a Jedi drink quite this much this fast… Well, except for one… now she could drink." The man chuckled as though over a fond recollection.

"How did you know I was a Jedi?" asked Atton, frowning.

The man laughed pleasantly. "Just how many of those drinks have you had? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently?" Atton glanced down. Oh yeah. The robe and lightsaber. Yeah, I guess that's a pretty big giveaway.

Atton looked fixedly at the man, desperately trying to remember why he seemed so familiar. "Admiral Onasi," he said, finally placing him.

The Admiral got up and sat down again next to him. "I'm sorry, I guess I don't remember meeting you."

"That's because you haven't. I'm Atton. Atton Rand."

"Carth Onasi." They shook hands. "So, Atton…" hesitantly began Carth, toying with his napkin. "Do you… see a lot of Jedi?"

Atton's fourth juma juice had arrived, and he started drinking it more slowly. "Not really. I haven't been a Jedi for very long. I pretty much only see my master…" Now that sounds funny… "Jena Shel. You've met her."

"Ah… the Exile!" Carth finished off his drink and ordered up another one, which arrived almost immediately. "Yes, I have… you must be the padawan who was waiting for her in the lobby of the Ithorian compound when I met with her, then. I didn't get a good look."

"You gave her a message," stated Atton, straightening his robe.

Carth gave Atton a long look. "Yes. Did she tell you what it was?"

"No… only that you had given her a message for someone."

"Did she tell you who for?" asked Carth curiously, taking a sip.

"She didn't have to."

Carth smiled. "Yeah, you Jedi don't always have to talk to each other to know what the other is thinking… She was – is like that too." Atton knew he wasn't referring to Jena. Carth glimpsed at Atton. "So are you close to your… master?"

"I like to think so." Atton stared at the bottom of his glass.

Carth looked at him intently for a moment, and smiled sympathetically. "Yeah, I thought as much." They sat silently for a moment. Carth suddenly made a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a scoff. "Women, huh?"

"You're telling me… especially women Jedi." Atton rolled his eyes.

Carth laughed out loud. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"How long has she been gone?" asked Atton, knowing he was starting to borderline on being too nosy.

"Four years." Four…?

"Wow, that's… that's a while. Still think she's coming back?" Atton frowned. Why did I just ask that? Damn juma's hitting me harder than I thought. That's what happens when I go this long without a drink.

"I have to." Carth spoke quietly. "She said she's coming back, and she's never lied to me before. I have to believe her."

"Of course. I'm sure she will," quickly replied Atton, trying to make up for his blunder.

"What about Jena?" asked Carth significantly.

"What about her?"

Carth glanced at him. "Did she tell you what she's going to do now?"

The arrow had pierced through Atton's armor. "No," he admitted dully.

They both stared at nothing in silence. Suddenly, Carth spoke up. "You know, Revan just left one day…" Atton flinched. It was the first time Carth mentioned her by name. "Without telling me. Just… left. I guess she did tell me… I just hoped she wouldn't. She said I had to stay behind… that there were places she had to walk where she couldn't bring anyone she loved… that I was needed back here. And one day she just left without warning." He smiled sadly. The nagging feeling in the pit of Atton's stomach returned. Is he trying to tell me something? He took a large sip from his drink. Carth finished his and got up. "I really should get going," he said. "It was nice meeting you, Atton. Take good care of Jena… if…"

"If what?"

"If she'll let you."

"Yeah, like she'd do something like that," scoffed Atton, finishing off his drink.

Atton walked back to the apartment complex more than a little tipsy. He had remained at the cantina a little while longer after Carth had left, mulling over what the latter had said about Revan and wondering why he had said it. Did Carth know something he didn't? Was Jena hiding something from him? Was the room spinning a little?

When that last question came to mind, Atton decided it might be best to head back while he was still sober enough to walk on his own. This is great – first I'm becoming soft, now I can't hold my liquor. I tell you, Jaq, this woman does weird things to you. He then started giggling stupidly when he realized he had called himself 'Jaq'. Well, that was weird…

He walked back to the apartment and collapsed on the first bed he saw. Some while later, he was awakened by a feminine hand. Atton mumbled something in his sleep.

"Did you just call me 'beautiful'?" asked Mira, highly amused.

Atton opened his eyes. Ooh… my head… damn juma juice… "Mira what are you doing in my room?"

"I was about to ask you the same. You're in the wrong room."

Atton lifted his head and squinted. "Hey would you look at that – I am. Force of habit… this is the apartment we were staying in when we were first…" He stopped and cringed, holding his head.

Mira handed him a glass of water and a couple pills. "Here. It'll help." Atton graciously accepted them. "So… Telosian wine a bit stronger than what you're used to?" She sat on the bed.

"Juma juice, actually… and yeah, I guess so. It's been a while since I had the chance to drink, what with piloting duties and all."

"Well, I think we'd all be a little relieved to hear that… I swear, the way you flew the ship sometimes…"

"Are you just here to harass me while I'm hungover?" he asked. "Cause you know, I can just stumble my way to the next room, if that's the case…"

"I just came by to tell you I was leaving."

Atton sat up quickly and winced. Damn juma juice! "Leaving? What do you mean, leaving? Why is everybody leaving? What if Jena needs you?"

Mira gave Atton a long look. Was there… pity in her eyes? "Well," she finally said, "she hasn't said anything about needing me anymore… Bao-Dur's finishing up some repairs on the ship, but I think he'll be leaving within the next couple days… Visas and Mandalore are gone…"

"Visas is gone too?"

"Well… yes… I thought you knew…"

"I knew about Mandalore, but not… exactly how long have I been sleeping this time?"

Mira laughed. "Not that long. Long enough that Jena's been out of her meeting for a while now, but not so long that it's a different day. Just a few hours, I guess."

Atton exhaled deeply. "Well, that's a relief."

"Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me," she said, looking away.

"Go with you? Where?"

"Nar Shaddaa. I'm taking the next freighter there… which unfortunately won't be till tomorrow morning."

"Nar Shad—but why would I leave? Jena's here."

There's that look in her eyes again. It really does look like pity. Is there something she… The sick feeling of worry he'd been getting since he arrived on Telos swept over him. Great. Cause I don't feel sick enough already.

Mira got up. "Anyway… if you change your mind… The freighter's leaving at 7, standard time, tomorrow morning." Atton arched an eyebrow. "Trust me," she explained, rolling her eyes. "I didn't pick the time. There's only one a day. I'll meet you at docking bay 3 at 6:30 if you decide to come along. If you're not there, I'll know you're staying." She turned and walked out the door.

Atton remained seated on the bed for a little while and stared in front of him. There's something going on… they're all hiding something from me, I just know it. I haven't seen Jena since we landed, and she wouldn't even look me in the eyes. And now, everybody's leaving.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door closing. He turned quickly. Jena stood smiling nervously. I didn't sense she was there this time… she is hiding something from me. She walked over to him and sat on the bed. "Mira told me about your little… bender. Are you feeling okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, other than the pounding headache," he commented gruffly. "Though Mira gave me some stuff and it seems to be helping somewhat."

"Well, that's good," she replied absent-mindedly.

Jena, why have you been so distant since we arrived on Telos?

He frowned and did his best to close his mind to hers.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jena finally asked, "Are you okay? You seem… off."

Atton laughed sardonically. "I seem off? You've been avoiding me since we got to Telos. And don't deny it. I should know… I invented this little avoidance routine."

Jena paled slightly. "Yes, I suppose there's no point in trying to hide things from you anymore… You can read me a little too easily because of our bond."

Atton looked grim. "Yeah, I know… It's hard hiding things from you too."

Jena frowned. "What is it? Is there something you're trying to hide from me?"

"Yes… No… Well, not really…" He sighed deeply. "I just feel… guilty."

"Why? What did you do?"

"Oh you mean other than torture and kill dozens of Jedi?" he asked sarcastically. His voice grew hesitant. "I… I didn't save you like I was supposed to," he stammered.

"What are you talking about? Of course you saved me. Or are you forgetting the part where you risked your life to try and save mine by chasing after me – rather stupidly, might I add – into the Sith Academy, and then got me back safely to the Ebon Hawk?"

"I didn't save you… the only reason why we're here is because the others showed up. What I did was not saving you," he said sullenly. "I was supposed to fight with you – to help you when you needed it. I was supposed to die for you – just like she died to save me. It's just… It's just not exactly how I…"

"How you thought it would be? Of course it wasn't. Destiny never is. There was a man I met once, years ago… named Jolee Bindo… who could tell you a great story about how destiny doesn't necessarily turn out the way you think."

"But it doesn't feel like I thought it would. I don't feel like I've…" He stopped and hung his head.

"You don't feel like you've been redeemed," said Jena softly.

"That's because I haven't been redeemed! I didn't save you! I didn't die for you! And the guilt… the guilt is still there!"

Jena smiled indulgently. "Of course the guilt is still there, Atton. It will always be there, just like I will always feel guilty about what I did during the war. Dying for me wouldn't have redeemed you… it's actually the fact that you didn't die for me that saved me. If it weren't for you carrying me to the ship, I would have died on Malachor. You have this clear-cut idea of what redemption is, and you won't consider yourself redeemed until it happens. But I'm telling you that you are wrong. Atton, there's something I don't think you understand about redemption. It's not about making up for what you've done through one big heroic act. I mean, it can be… but it can also be about making up for it by doing many smaller things. I've learned that much. What we've done… help Khoonda, help Queen Talia, help Telos, is just the beginning of our redemption – yours as well as mine, for I too have crimes to make up for. And even once you feel like you've made your peace with you past, there's still more you can do to make up for it. Redemption isn't a goal – it's a path. It's about doing the right thing at the right moment. I told you before it doesn't matter who you used to be, but only who you are now – and that's still true." She paused and added softly, "Besides, how do you suppose I would have felt if you had died to save me? I don't know if I could've lived with the guilt… or the void."

He sat silently as what she had told him filtered through his brain. His features started to harden. "Well, never mind me," he said sharply. "I'm not the only one who's been hiding things these days."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you. You've never once mentioned where we're going… I mean not that I dislike this dying hellhole of a planet where I spent most of my time as a prisoner and all… But I get the feeling you're hiding something from me… And I get the feeling that everybody around us knows it but me."

Jena spoke softly. "I'm… I'm sorry, Atton… I was trying to spare you…"

"'Spare' me? From what? Hey, I've only been worrying about not dying for you and missing my chance to redeem myself ever since we left Malachor. I sure could've used the distraction from the guilt I've been feeling."

Jena looked glum. "I… I suppose it wasn't really about sparing you… because I knew I had to tell you eventually. I guess I was… afraid to tell you."

"Afraid to tell me what?"

"You see, Atton, I too, am seeking redemption… And this is why… and this is why…" she faltered and winced. "And this is why I have to leave you."

"Leave me? To go where?"

"I… I must follow Revan's path… beyond the Outer Rim – to the Unknown Regions. There is a threat – a war – that is preparing there, and I must follow her. And if you truly seek redemption, you will not follow me there."

"Why not?" sharply demanded Atton, hurt.

"Because… you are needed here. The galaxy needs to be rebuilt. Telos needs to be restored. You will help out the Republic once again – and that will be your redemption."

"Jena, I'm not letting you go without me."

Jena smiled sadly. "But you will… I must walk in a place where I can't bring anyone I care about – anyone I love. In time you'll understand… this isn't something I want to do – it's something I have to do. Just like Revan had to."

"How long will you be gone?" he asked sullenly, thinking of Carth and knowing the answer.

"I don't know. I will come back for you. I promise. But for now, you are needed here."

"But I… NO!" he exclaimed violently.

"No?" She frowned.

"No! I'm not going to let you go alone. I have to be there to protect you."

"Atton, I told you, you don't have to save my life to redeem yourself."

"This has nothing to do with redemption!" he exclaimed passionately. "I… I want to be there… for you."

"Atton, you already saved me…"

"But I didn't save you! I put you in danger because I…" Because I love you! "Because I made you vulnerable to Kreia."

"And exactly how could you possibly have done that?"

He dropped his gaze and mumbled, "You know how…"

"Assume I don't."

He looked up defiantly. "You want me to tell you why? Fine. Because I love you, all right?" he bellowed. "I made you vulnerable because I love you!" His voice grew louder. "I love you – I love you – I LOVE YOU! And I just can't forgive myself!"

"For loving me?"

"No! For putting you in danger, when I was supposed to save you!"

"Atton…"

"Just forget it, okay? It doesn't matter anyway if you're leaving!" He got up.

"Atton, please…" Her lip quivered and tears welled up in her eyes.

Oh great. You've made her cry. Bravo. You just keep on getting better, genius. Well, just as well… She has a better chance of survival if she hates you anyway.

"Just forget it," he repeated, walking out the door.

Author's Notes: Yeah, it didn't take me long to post this one, as it's been less than a day since my last upload... :) I figured it would take me longer to edit this chapter because it was siginificantly longer than the other ones... I hope you enjoyed my little Carth cameo at the beginning. ;) Please let me know what you think! Chapter 19 -- the final chapter -- will be up soon!