As promised, the second chapter re-written. I hope you like it. Personally, I think it is better and funnier than the first. But then again, that's just me…
Tell me you like it!
A big thank you to Person X and the 7Bells for their contribution to this chapter.
XXXX
"Stand back," Julie advised the others as the book began to glow again. A light flashed even brighter than before, and when the light cleared, there were several more people in the room.
Each of them wore dark sunglasses (which they took off in unison) and ankle length black coats. (think Matrix) Most had strange looking weapons which they couldn't identify, but they heroes of the War of the Ring had no doubt that they could inflict a lot of pain.
"Hi guys," Julie said as she walked over to them. She hugged them all in turn, as was tradition.
Doing the kind of work they did; hunting Mary-Sue's and Gary-Stu's, they lived with the knowledge that each time they said goodbye, it might be their last. They hunted a dangerous species, and these people were all friends, so they made time for the friendship. They never knew when a sue would (God's Forbid) kill any of them, or even worse… turn them. That was a fate worse than death, as the Sue Squad was then forced to hunt down former friends. That had only happened twice before, but the memory was fresh in everyone's minds.
May the dear departed Sue-Strangler and Trixi-Belle rest in peace…
Julie turned to the rest of the room once the greetings were exchanged.
"Let me introduce my associates. Firstly, we have Melissa, also known as CrazyRoninChic. She's our Captain General." A tall girl with brown hair tie up in a pony tail and bright blue eyes stood forward and bowed slightly to the Kings of Gondor and Rohan.
"Jules," she greeted her friend warmly "Status?"
"Their powers are growing, Mel. I fear we have little time," Julie answered worriedly. "Mel is the leader of and was the founder of the Sue Squad," she explained to the inhabitants of Middle Earth. "She recognised the evilness of the species, and put together this elite team to combat them. We each have a special knack' for getting the job done. In our own creative ways."
"What in the name of Valar are those?" asked Glorfindel, indicating to the sharp pointy things in Mel's hands.
"These?" she asked causally, holding one up so they could see. "These are my favourite Chinese Ninja throwing Stars."
"What do they do?" Merry asked.
"They get thrown?" Pippin offered, but the several glares sent his way hushed him.
"Observe," Mel continued, and suddenly threw one of the stars. It caught Pippin by the shoulder of his shirt, and he was pinned against the wall. Everyone was duly impressed, even Pippin, who was smiling broadly, thinking of the damage they could cause to Starr and Celeste's 'pretty' features.
"Hey, leave him alone," one woman commented, stepping from the group. MSM walked over and pulled the star out of the wall. Pippin slid gently to the floor and smiled up at her.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I go by many names, but you can cal me MSM," she answered.
"MSM?"
"Mary Sure Murderer," she clarified with a manic glint in her green eyes. She had a bow and arrow quiver slung over her shoulder, and everyone backed slowly away, except for Pippin who was starting to think that she was kinda cute, and if she hated Starr… well then all the better. Maybe they had a future together….
"Nice bow," he commented.
"Thanks. I'm quite good with it. I can hit a Sue at twenty paces. Unfortunately, it isn't going to see much action here today."
"Why not?"
"I'm not sue hunting. I'm hunting the Faerie. See, I even have the magic-proof jar to capture her in."
Everyone looked on, impressed, as she held up jar that sparkled with anti-magic energy. They hadn't though of capturing the faerie, but it seems like the SS thought of everything. (God, we're cool!)
"Excuse me. You're interrupting my super-cool-introduction-moment," Julie pouted, her arms crossed over her chest in a sulk. When the attention was back on her again, she smiled and continued.
"This is Person-X, but everyone calls her Sarai. I think she's killed Starr before. I mean, it says so on her resume. But, due to dimensional shifts in the universal alignment or some other confusing crap like that you wouldn't understand cos Einstein won't be born for another seven thousand years…"
"And Star Trek wont be invented for even longer," Melissa commented.
"Stargate either," Elenhin added. She turned to Julie.
"By the way, did you see last night's episode of Atlantis?"
"I did Elenhin. It was so cool!" Julie exclaimed. "Poor Rodney! Carson had to keep giving him and Zelenka shots to keep the awake! He'd been up for days. The poor man was so tired. Well, so would I if I was building atomic bombs…"
"Um, Julie? Focus here!" Melissa reminded her, but Julie continued rambling on about the gorgeousness of Rodney McKay and John Sheppard and how since a certain someone who shall remain nameless (she gave a significant look in Faramir's direction at that point) was already married, she had to find someone else to obsess over. Just when it looked as if Mel was going to punch her, Sarai pocked Julie in the side with her sword.
"Jules? My introduction?" she prodded, poking again… hard...
"Oh yeah," Julie mumbled, absentmindedly rubbing her side. "Anywho… Wait! Where was I? Um… Oh yeah. Sarai has killed Starr before, but because of the aforementioned reasons which I won't get into again, cos I'll only get sidetracked by the hotness, it was cancelled out and the fiend still lives."
The girl referred to as Person-X smiled brightly, and performed a low bow to Legolas and Aragon each, then waves recognition at the rest, smiling slightly.
"As I've said once before, I mourn for you, truly."
Looking at the girl, you might at first mistake her for a Mary-Sue herself. But, a double-take of horror reveals that her flaming red hair does NOT shine unnaturally, and though her eyes are an emerald green, they shine with insanity and murderous lust more than beauty. The unevenly tanned skin and oddly shaped, deep red painted nails click eagerly against the sheath of her curved scimitar. Slightly pointed ears poke from behind the loose strands that had escaped her rough ponytail. (There was a betting pool going around the office as to when Sarai would cave in and admit that she is part elf, but so far no one had won.)
The most un-mary-sue thing about her though, was her T-shirt. Proclaiming '8-bit Theater' in odd script on the front, and has an anime-style Blackmage as from the early final fantasy games on the back, clutching a bloody knife with the text bubble 'What?' coming form him. She could officially be labeled a Physco-computer- roleplaying-geek.
(But we don't officially label' her that to her face. Cos if we do, she gets cranky and her scimitar sees some action and let me tell you, it is hell getting blood out of the office carpet. I mean beige? Come on Mel! It's time we redecorated, especially after the whole Buffy the Vampire Slayer fiasco. 'shudders')
The non-this-world characters eye Sarai cautiously. She shrugged, uneasy from the attention. "Uh, you're always a tad more perfect here," she defended herself. "I can't help it! Honest, though. I'm ALL anti- Mary-Sue. Really, that's why I joined," she finished more quietly.
Julie cleared her throat lightly, shifting the rifle to her other hand nervously. "Yes, well, moving on...,"
"WHY DO YOU HATE ME! LEGGIE, I LOVE YOU!" Starr's disembodied voice suddenly screamed out of nowhere. Legolas immediately resumed cowering behind the nearest figure, (which happened to be Pippin) looking about wildly and mumbling under his breath:
"Why me? Why me? Is it because I'm too cute? Is that it? Damn my gorgeous looks and lithe body!"
With an uneasy but murderous glance about the room, Julie continued.
"We'd better hurry this up. They must be drawing more Prissy-Power from the positive Fan-vironment."
"Fan-vironment?" Pippin asked casually.
"Oh, a zone in which to unleash pent-up fan-ness. Basically, anywhere with much loved or hot characters," Julie explained, grinning broadly at Faramir as she said the last line. He smiled back, unsure (and slightly scared), but then Éowyn caught on and moved to stand between them.
Stupid Éowyn.
"Like Legolas," Mel suggested, trying to intervene to skip the inevitable bitch-fight over Faramir that would take place if Julie had her way.
"Oh," the others breathed in dawning comprehension.
Legolas quivered at the thought. Such a strong elf, brought down in less than a day. It was sad to see really. But still, considering his father… one can't really be all that surprised, now can one?
"Let's get one with it, the mere PRESENCE of those wenches is making me uneasy," Sam said.
"Right," agreed head-hunter. And the introductions continued.
"This is ShadowCat," Julie introduced the next member of the team. "But her real name is Marta."
The person in question was tall, with exotic features. The red of her eyes matched the red of her nails, and her long black hair hung in a plait over one shoulder. In her hands were two deadly looking Japanese swords, and from the way she had flexed them we Starr's voice had floated into the room, they were all in no doubt that she was quite proficient in using them.
"Aragorn, why have you forsaken me?" Celeste's voice could be heard through the ceiling. Arwen glared at the ceiling in hopes of killing Celeste through pure thought. Everyone held their breaths, in the event that the depth of Arwen's hatred could succeed in killing her through thought alone but, alas, Celeste continued to speak. "I mean, why do you want that Arwen chic when you can have me with my floor length hair."
"Well, not quite floor-length now, is it?" Arwen sneered at the ceiling. "Valar bless the saddle!" Everyone else tightened their grips on their weapons, and a sudden ear-splitting buzzing split the air.
"What in the name of Valar is that?" Aragorn shouted over the din as Prophet Song stepped forward. The SS, used to the sound her chain saw starting up at random intervals, stepped aside out of habit, so she could step forward.
"It is a chainsaw," she explained as she moved her dreadlocks out of her eyes. "I'd cut through a Sue in two seconds flat." To illustrate, she easily sliced through the back of a nearby chair, and the Middle-Earthiens looked on, very impressed with what they had seen of the Sue Squad so far.
"I think that you'd better turn if off for now Prophet-Song," Mel commented. "We need to plan."
"Just as soon as I'm finished my super-cool-introduction-moment!" Julie said again, exasperated. "I'm trying to be all all-knowing and Obi-Wan here people!"
Prophet Song powered down her chainsaw at Julie's sulk, and went back to the middle of the group, stroking the handle and muttering "soon, soon, my pet." The rest of the group quietened down and Julie took centre stage again. (I'm such an attention hog!)
"Where is your weapon?" Elladan asked one girl as he stepped forward for a closer look at one hunter who appeared to be unarmed. "I mean, the rest of you have those scary and cool gadget thingies."
"I don't need them," Nicole replied, her brown eyes regarding him coolly.
"That's right," Julie, really put out now. "Nicole has the most dangerous hands and feet of anyone I've ever encountered. You know what, I'm tired. You can all introduce yourselves now," she finished. She sat down in a huff beside Elrohir on the sofa and pulled out a cloth and some oil and started cleaning her rifle. Elrohir looked at her, uneasily for a moment, but then shrugged and went back to watching his brother flirt with the tall, brown haired member of the SS.
A clatter drew everyone's attention away from where the couple was flirting up a storm, and Caprecian-Hedicanacour blushed a little.
"What?" Carrie defended herself. "You try holding these hockey-sticks-of-sue-death in one place for a long time and we'll see whose glaring at whom! They're heavy you know."
The group's attention was diverted from her flashing green eyes as another flash erupted from the book. For one horrifying moment, they thought that another Sue was coming, and everybody drew their weapons, aiming them at the figure emerging from the light.
The members of the SS relaxed though when they saw Mari rushing forward. Her Goth clothes blended in perfectly with her long black coat, but her sunglasses were no-where to be seen.
"Sorry I'm late," she gasped. "My flamethrower needed re-filling." She seemed slightly out of breath and it might have been from the running. It might also have been from the two-foot tank that powered her flame thrower that was attached to her back. Strangely enough though, it looked completely natural on the back of the girl with the slight, gymnasts build.
"You called in the IMSGSET?" Julie squealed, delighted as Mari hugged the group.
"I did," Mel replied. "I felt an inter-agency approach was needed. Mari and I go way back," she explained to Aragorn, who was eyeing her uneasily.
"Relax," she told him. "Mari is a friend and fellow Sue Hunter. She's the founder and leader of the International Mary Sue and Gary Sue Extermination Team. You're in good hands."
"I wish," Elenhin sighed as she gazed over to where Faramir was sitting. Celebrion elbowed her in the side, and she was brought back down to earth.
"Who are you?" Éowyn asked her, slightly pissed that this was the second person to be making eyes at her husband in the past ten minutes.
"I'm Elenhin," the Swede answered. With her fair blond hair cut short, Éowyn had first though that this was a boy, but Elenhin assured her that she wasn't the first person to make that mistake. The sure way she handled her bow and arrow inspired a sense of security in Éowyn, until she caught her staring at Faramir again.
"Hey!" she protested.
"Sorry," Elenhin apologized. "It's just, Faramir. You look so much like your brother."
"You knew Boromir?" Faramir asked, surprised.
"Oh yeah, we went way back," Elenhin told him. "In fact, we used to date. Well, we did until he started getting obsessed with a ring. I was like, hey! I'm too young to be talking about rings and stuff, and I don't want to be tied down. So we broke up. It was only later that I found out that he had gone off to Rivendell and was talking about THE ring not A ring. Kinda sucks, huh? Anyway, after Boromir I got together with this guy called Alec Travelyan. He was gorgeous and kinda reminded me of Boromir in looks, but he was very secretive. We broke up cos he wouldn't tell me who this 'James' was that he hated so much. I think he's dead now. Then, I started seeing a soldier called Richard Sharpe, but he left me to go fight Napoleon's army. Bastard! Anyway, then I went out with a man called Sean. Sean Miller. He's dead now though too. Turns out he was a terrorist in the IRA. Just my luck. Hey Jules, did you know him?"
"Just because he lived in Ireland doesn't mean I know him," Julie huffed. "I don't know everyone in the country you know! It's not that small! There are over four million people! Besides, why do you assume that all Irish people are in the IRA anyhow? I mean, if there is even an Irish person on the TV, they are always either a terrorist or a priest! There's more to Ireland than bombs and religion you know. I mean…"
"Relax Jules," Lyndz soothed, sitting on the arm of the chair. "She meant no offence, eh? And we talked about this issue you have with how the Irish are portrayed in the media? Remember eh? We said to just let it go.
"I know that! It's just…"
"Relax," Lyndz told her. "I'm Insane Canadian," she told Aragron as she reached over to shake his hand. As she did though, she lost her balance on the arm of the chair, and would have fallen if Celebrion hadn't caught her.
"Thanks Niklas," she smiled up at him, her brown eyes laughing.
"You moved fairly speedily when she started to fall," Éomer commented to Major Celebrion. "How did you do that?"
"Practice," Celebrion and Lyndz laughed together. Celebrion hauled Lyndz up into a standing position and handed her back her sword which had fallen.
"No problem," he answered as he sat next to Julie, took out his scissors and started sharpening them.
"Um, why do you have a scissors?" Arwen asked him, regarding him curiously.
"Hmm? Oh well, I have this theory. I believe that the power of a Sue comes from their hair, and therefore, if I can cut it, there may be a reduction in power."
"Sweet!" Éomer enthused.
"So, that's the only weapon you have?" Glorfindel snorted.
"Well, that and this," he answered, unsheathing his sword. Elenhin started mumbling something beside him about men and the size of their weapons. Celebrion glared at her and took a deep breath.
"No!" Elenhin exclaimed. "I'm sorry! Don't get me with the acid breath!" She ran across the room and climbed up onto the top of the bookcase, and grinned down at her friend. Celebrion jumped up suddenly and ran to the bookcase, trying to catch Elenhin's foot to bring her down to his level. But despite the obvious height advantage he had, he just couldn't reach. Sarai rolled her eyes at the pair, and stalked over. She elbowed Celebrion out of the way and concentrated. Her curved sword flickered and was suddenly covered in flames. She held one under Elenhin's foot until she yelped and jumped down, landing on her feet.
"Too much practice at jumping off things," Celebrion mumbled as he rubbed his sore side from where Sarai had elbowed him.
"Sweet Elebreth!" Faramir swore softly as he watched the trio.
"Yes?" El answered sweetly from the back of the group. Faramir was thoroughly confused.
"Huh?"
"You said 'Sweet Elebreth'" EL explained. "And that's my name. Well, some of it. My full name is Elebreth Athelas Jonquil Aquamarine Tealrose, but you can call me El. Everyone else does."
"And what's you special skill?" Éomer asked, trying hard to keep track of all the names and assorted skills.
"Well, this!" El replied.
She leapt forward and executed a perfect cartwheel, landing in a crouch and unsheathing her sword, before swiftly straightening and holding her the blue/green tinted blade to Éomer's throat. It was a cool move.
It would have been even cooler if El hadn't lost her balance and stumbled, nearly cutting the King of Rohan's head off.
"This is Thorn," she explained as she steadied herself and threw an apologetic look at the King.
"And that's you weapon?"
"Yes… Well… That and this."
El reached into her pocket and pulled out the most evil weapon than men could imagine… a tampon.
All the men in the room (including Celebrion who was used to El and her ways) started blushing bright red, and mumbling under their breaths and shifting around uncomfortably.
"It's very handy when hunting Gary-Stu's," El grinned at the men's discomfort. The other members of the SS (sans Celebrion) started laughing along with her. Mel and Mari exchanged an eye roll at the juvenile way the men were acting.
"Did I miss any of the fun?" Mari asked her, an insane gleam in her eyes.
"Not at all," Mel replied as the laughter died down. "In fact, we are waiting on one more. Agent Elf-Boy should be here soon." She checked her wrist watch. "In fact," Mel told the assembled crowd, "he should be here in three- two- one."
On the one' a bright flash of light emanated from the book, and there stood…
… Haldir.
"Haldir?" everyone exclaimed, extremely surprised. Over his arm, Haldir held a pile of black leather, which he put down on a nearby desk.
"What are you doing here?" Arwen asked, extremely confused.
"Yeah," Merry joined in. "Didn't you just leave?"
"If by leave, you mean abandon us to the vilest creatures ever invented, than yes, he did!" Legolas glared towards his friend.
Haldir said nothing, but smiled.
"You warned them," Aragorn said, catching on.
"Give the man a prize!" Haldir exclaimed. "I actually meant to stay for as few weeks when I came here, but I saw and heard what you were reading. I knew that they were coming, and I had to sound the alarm and warn the others," he explained.
"You couldn't have warned us that they were coming?" Legolas whimpered. He was now curled up in a ball, this time behind Arwen though.
"Sorry Legolas," Haldir apologized. "I could do nothing to alert the Sues that we were on to them. Don't worry though. We're here now."
"Did you get the necessary equipment?" Julie asked him.
"I did," he replied, holding up a stack of membership cards. "Fresh out of the laminator."
Mel handed out the membership cards to the new members, who looked at them in awe.
"They were designed especially for us," she explained. "You are all now members of the Sue-Squad. But, there is the issue of uniform."
"Uniform?" Glorfindel whined. He had the image in is head of a stupid blazer over a shirt and tie, and wanted to hide… and cry.
"Yes, uniform." Sarai grinned, guessing his thoughts. Haldir stood and went towards the pile of leather he had put down on his arrival. The pile of leather turned out to be long, ankle length coats. Lots of them… man sized, woman sized, elf sized and hobbit sized.
"Could you help me pass these out honey?" he asked Carrie. She smiled and answered that it would be no problem. Legolas looked on, agape.
"That's not fair!" he exclaimed. "You get that super cool Sue-Squad chic with the hockey-sticks-of-death, and I get stuck with STARR!"
"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you," ShadowCat and Mari said at the same time. They looked at each other in surprise (and a little bit of competition) and Legolas brightened at the thought of both of them thinking he was hot.
"We can discuss this later," Prophet Song said, stepping forward and revving up her chainsaw. "We have work to do."
"I agree," Julie said. She turned to the SS new members, who were all looking very cool in their new coats and shades.
"I feel the urge to do a gravity defying, super cool kicking motion," Faramir joked as he shrugged his on.
"Trust me, the whole Matrix thing has been done to death," MSM said as she helped Pippin into his coat. "By the way, is Lord Elrond here?" she asked.
"No, Ada isn't here," Arwen answered, exchanging confused looks with her brothers.
Alright, she exchanged a confused look with Elrohir. Elladan was leaning with one arm braced against the wall, chatting up Nicole. He was currently saying I'd better call the Valar, and tell them that one of the Simarls is missing, cos the star is right in front of me.'
Elrohir stopped making gagging faces behind his twin's back long enough to exchanged said confused look with his sister, and then went back to trying to make Nicole laugh. Mel smiled affectionately at his antics.
"Isn't he a cutie?" she asked Sarai.
"Yeah. I'm resisting the urge to pat him on the head," Person-X answered, grinning at the Elf.
"Why do you want to know if Ada is here?" Arwen wanted to know.
"No reason…"
Carrie coughed something into her hand that sounded suspiciously like "Agent Smith," and a few giggles went around the room, much to the Middle-Earthiens confusion. Haldir, of course, got it having actually seen (and liked) the Matrix. He wasn't mad about the sequels though…
"Alright people," Julie said, calling the room to attention. The SS stood to attention as Julie and Mel stood at the front of the group and began to speak. "This is it, what we've been training for. Remember who we're hunting, and be careful. Full gear. Teams of three, so split up. We'll sweep the Tower floor by floor; Mel's team starting on the top and mine on the bottom. The rest of you, pick a floor and start searching. We'll meet somewhere in the middle. If necessary, we'll move outside the Citadel, into the 7th level and beyond. I want extra protection around Aragron and Legolas here, as according to Starr and Celeste's psychological profile; they'll be wanting them back. So they'll be hunting us too. Remember that and keep your eyes open. Anything to add, Mel?"
"Yes," the General answered. "You guys," she motioned to Aragron and the other newbie's, "You are new, so watch and learn. Stay behind us and follow our lead." She handed out ear-piece's. "We are all connected through these. Spot a Sue, send out the codeword and we'll all come running. The codeword is 'Target Practice'. Any questions?"
No one had.
"MSM," Julie called. MSM stood forward, "You're going after the faerie. Good luck!"
"Hey, can I come?" Pippin asked.
"Sure," MSM replied. She saluted her CO's and she and Pippin left through a side door.
"Right," Julie said to the group at large, as she checked her scope and loaded her rifle.
"It's sue huntin' time."
XXXX
So, what do you think? Better or worse than the first draft?
For those of you that don't know, Elenhin's list of ex boyfriends are all Sean Bean. He played Alec Travelyan in the James Bond movie 'Goldeneye', he played Richard Sharpe in the 'Sharpe' movies, and he played Sean Miller, the IRA terrorist in Patriot Games with Harrison Ford. Now, Lord knows I love the man, but the Irish accent was fair bad. The Belfast accent isn't that hard to imitate people! I do it all the time! Otherwise, a drool worthy performance.
Chapter three is in the works.
Hugs and kisses
Julie