A/N: Thanks for the review! I decided to make this chapter more like thoughts as opposed to narration to possibly clear up what happened between Lizzie and Gordo.
Haha. . .2004 is this year and the story takes place this year. . .weird. Happy New Year.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire
Chapter Seven
Day Four
13 July 2004
Okay, so its really early in the morning. . .okay it's five AM but I can't sleep. Something is bothering me and I just thought I would spill it out while its fresh in my mind.
Okay, I'll admit that I have changed in the past two years and so have relationships with other people. But that's a fact of life, right? I mean, it's a given that relationships with other people change? I can't help the fact that I became confused about my relationship with Gordo. I mean, he was my first real kiss, my first love and a lot of other firsts. Our relationship went really well, and I know I am sixteen and this is crazy, but I was practically ready to walk down the aisle with the guy. I am sure he would have been glad to do the same.
The thing is, he was my first and I had never experienced seconds. I didn't remember what it was like to be able to have a crush on a guy and be able to tell other people. I felt trapped in ways, so I thought breaking up with him would get me un-trapped. Unfortunately, I think it did the opposite. You see, I miss being able to walk up to him and make out with him. I miss talking to him as a friend and going out with him as a date. I was so mixed up between what I wanted –single life or dating life, that I sort of forgot how good I had it.
Unfortunately, I am still confused. The confusion probably started around his sixteenth birthday. I wanted to get him something special, but because of other events circling around our relationship, I found myself struggling whether to get him watch or condoms. Yeah, it became weird and I had to ask myself a lot of questions. The worst part was that I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. I mean, here I was, debating about taking a major step in my life and yet a little part of me wanted to still be the innocent and sweet Lizzie everyone knows about and loves. Everything in my life was pretty G-rated at that point, and I was confused. Did I want to be innocent or grow up a little?
Anyway, I ended up giving Gordo a watch, but the fact that I even thought about having sex with the guy made me question everything. Why did I have so much trouble opening up with him about everything? Was I too embarrassed or stressed about it? What did I really want? A few months later, I broke up with him. It was sudden, but I did it. I decided if I couldn't open up with my own boyfriend about my feelings on such an important topic, maybe I needed more experience. Okay, maybe not experience as in going further with someone, but experience with other men. I needed to test myself, and here I am testing myself.
I just didn't know it would be that hard to test myself because no one at school wanted to date me because no one wanted to follow Gordo. I must have shocked a lot of people when I broke up with him and didn't give him a good reason. I wasn't prepared to deal with all the aftermath, though. I wasn't prepared to deal with loosing a best friend.
That's why I am here, still confused. Sometimes I think I am happy that I broke up with him, but other times, I can't help but question myself because I was so happy when I was with him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do and he is so sweet and kind. I can't help but ask myself why I broke up with him. We could have kept our relationship going the way it was without sex and both of us would have been happy. I miss him as a friend and as a boyfriend, and I still don't know what to do. I guess I am just going through my not a girl/not yet a woman stage where I don't know if I am ready to step forward or stay where I am.
The fact that I am still single after I decided I wanted more experience kind of bothers me. It helps that Gordo is still single, though, but I know he can't wait forever for me to make up my mind. Why does life have to be so damn complicated?
Anyway, today we are going to Guildford to see a movie and to go to the mall. We are taking a train to get there which should be fun.
Oh, and don't even get me started on how Stuart fits into all of this. AHHH! My life is complete chaos!
Haha. . .2004 is this year and the story takes place this year. . .weird. Happy New Year.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire
Chapter Seven
Day Four
13 July 2004
Okay, so its really early in the morning. . .okay it's five AM but I can't sleep. Something is bothering me and I just thought I would spill it out while its fresh in my mind.
Okay, I'll admit that I have changed in the past two years and so have relationships with other people. But that's a fact of life, right? I mean, it's a given that relationships with other people change? I can't help the fact that I became confused about my relationship with Gordo. I mean, he was my first real kiss, my first love and a lot of other firsts. Our relationship went really well, and I know I am sixteen and this is crazy, but I was practically ready to walk down the aisle with the guy. I am sure he would have been glad to do the same.
The thing is, he was my first and I had never experienced seconds. I didn't remember what it was like to be able to have a crush on a guy and be able to tell other people. I felt trapped in ways, so I thought breaking up with him would get me un-trapped. Unfortunately, I think it did the opposite. You see, I miss being able to walk up to him and make out with him. I miss talking to him as a friend and going out with him as a date. I was so mixed up between what I wanted –single life or dating life, that I sort of forgot how good I had it.
Unfortunately, I am still confused. The confusion probably started around his sixteenth birthday. I wanted to get him something special, but because of other events circling around our relationship, I found myself struggling whether to get him watch or condoms. Yeah, it became weird and I had to ask myself a lot of questions. The worst part was that I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it. I mean, here I was, debating about taking a major step in my life and yet a little part of me wanted to still be the innocent and sweet Lizzie everyone knows about and loves. Everything in my life was pretty G-rated at that point, and I was confused. Did I want to be innocent or grow up a little?
Anyway, I ended up giving Gordo a watch, but the fact that I even thought about having sex with the guy made me question everything. Why did I have so much trouble opening up with him about everything? Was I too embarrassed or stressed about it? What did I really want? A few months later, I broke up with him. It was sudden, but I did it. I decided if I couldn't open up with my own boyfriend about my feelings on such an important topic, maybe I needed more experience. Okay, maybe not experience as in going further with someone, but experience with other men. I needed to test myself, and here I am testing myself.
I just didn't know it would be that hard to test myself because no one at school wanted to date me because no one wanted to follow Gordo. I must have shocked a lot of people when I broke up with him and didn't give him a good reason. I wasn't prepared to deal with all the aftermath, though. I wasn't prepared to deal with loosing a best friend.
That's why I am here, still confused. Sometimes I think I am happy that I broke up with him, but other times, I can't help but question myself because I was so happy when I was with him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do and he is so sweet and kind. I can't help but ask myself why I broke up with him. We could have kept our relationship going the way it was without sex and both of us would have been happy. I miss him as a friend and as a boyfriend, and I still don't know what to do. I guess I am just going through my not a girl/not yet a woman stage where I don't know if I am ready to step forward or stay where I am.
The fact that I am still single after I decided I wanted more experience kind of bothers me. It helps that Gordo is still single, though, but I know he can't wait forever for me to make up my mind. Why does life have to be so damn complicated?
Anyway, today we are going to Guildford to see a movie and to go to the mall. We are taking a train to get there which should be fun.
Oh, and don't even get me started on how Stuart fits into all of this. AHHH! My life is complete chaos!