A/N: Remember the good old days when I updated twice a day every day for a while? Yeah, I don't know what happened to those days.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire.
Chapter Eight
Day Five
14 July 2004
I was so tired last night that I didn't even get the chance to update this. Wow, I was on a role for a while, too.
Anyway, here is a quick recap of what happened yesterday: SHOPPING! Okay, we went to a movie, too, but that's a whole different story. We went to a mall and shopped and I got tons of great clothes and lets just say that I am going to need that trip to the ATM really soon. Also, I really hope my parents will pay for this because they are clothes and everyone needs clothes. So basically, I went to the mall with the girls and the guys ended up going to a movie and then another movie. The thing about the movie that got me was that we had assigned seats. I sat at the end next to Stuart and it was fun. I think he likes me. When I saw him in between the mall and the movie, he looked awful chummy with Gordo, and that worried me a little, but I think I've decided that its good if Gordo and whoever I date are friends.
Anyway, we saw the movie and I don't even remember what it was called but that's okay because I wouldn't recommend it anyway.
Anyway all of that was so yesterday and I am so ready to talk about today. So yeah, today we went into Godalming and then later we went to a birthday party of one of her friends which was weird because I felt like we were crashing her party.
Anyway, Anna goes to school in Godalming and we saw where she goes to school (or went . . .she is out of school for summer) and went shopping for a while. I got a book for mom at a bookstore and a CD and a cute shirt and it was fun. I was with Stuart and we ended up going to lunch and I ran into Gordo, Miranda, and Brian and I felt really bad because Gordo looked as if he was miserable, but I couldn't do anything. He probably wasn't miserable. I was probably having too much fun with my imagination or something, but still.
We met up and headed over to the birthday party of Anna's friend, who was turning seventeen. We met all of Anna's friends in England and it was interesting. The girl's mom was serving alcohol to us. I was a little uneasy drinking alcohol in front of parents oh, and besides the fact that I don't drink, so I just had the non-alcoholic punch. Apparently, the party was a barbecue and the words England and Barbecue don't really go together in my mind, so the whole idea wasn't really working for me. The birthday girl's sister was there who couldn't have been thirteen was obviously drunk and just lying there on the ground (we were outside) making really random comments, like, "You have really blonde hair," and stuff like that and I just sat there and nodded my head. I noticed Stuart get up and get a drink and I didn't know what to think. At first I thought maybe he wasn't who I thought he was and was a drunk at heart, but he only had one drink, so I didn't make an issue of it. It wasn't like he was endangering anyone's life or anything. Besides, I have to remind myself that I am not a little girl anymore and the older I get, the more people I will meet and not everyone is as clean as they are when they are little.
What I mean is that you know how when you are little, you think you will never drink or smoke because its bad for you and you never think your friends will smoke, well, things change. People drink, people smoke, and some of them are going to be your friends and you can't make an issue about it because it's not a big deal. Well, it might be, but that's not the point. I have to learn to not judge people by the bad things the do because they might do plenty of good things as well. I saw at least three people smoke at this party, and I think if I saw that two years ago I would have freaked out, but now, its not as big of a deal. It's legal.
Anyway, besides the alcohol and barbecue the party was ruined because someone chose to start drama. Apparently, one of the guys at the party was dating this girl but they broke up and she just found out that while they were dating, he made out with another girl and that girl said some pretty mean things to the other girl and pretty soon, the ex was crying why the guy was outside debating about what to do while the other girl just decided to leave. The group from America stayed out of the drama and just watched as it just got worse and worse. Before the girl left, the ex slapped her and it just became confusing after that. Anna wanted to stick around to convince the guy, who felt horrible, that it wasn't his fault. The girl who was throwing the party was having a pretty bad party.
We just kind of sat there and watched everything happen. Stuart sat next to me and we ended up holding hands. It wasn't a big deal, but it got me thinking. Is Stuart someone I could see myself with? The long distance thing bothers me, but he is a nice guy. If I am trying to get experience with other guys, he's another guy, right? I don't have to marry him, right.
Well, we finally left when Jaime picked us up and we went back to the house and watched a movie. Stuart and I sat next to each other and sort of cuddled (not to obvious. . .Gordo was in the room and that would be weird) as the movie played. Every once in a while, I saw Gordo turn around as if to check on me, but I pretended not to notice because if I pretend to notice, it will bother me and I will end up thinking too much about how wrong doing all this is to Gordo. I miss him. I really do. Why is it that I haven't accomplished anything in the past four months? Maybe God is trying to tell me that I belong with Gordo and would be wasting my time with anyone else. I mean, I am setting myself up for bad things because Stuart is from way across the country and he is cute and everything, but there is something about him that bothers me. I am starting to think that the thing that bothers me is that he isn't Gordo.
~Later that evening~
Where do I begin?
Well, I was getting ready to turn out the lights when Miranda came up and handed me something. It looked like a notebook. "What is this?"
Miranda shrugged, "I found it in the den near Gordo's stuff. I started reading it and I know I this is wrong, but maybe you should read it too."
So, I read it, and. . .well, apparently Gordo writes letters to me. It wasn't freaky like I thought it was going to be when I began reading them. In fact, it was kind of touching He used them to let out anger. Here is his first entry.
"Dear Lizzie,
What has happened to us? You left me in the dark when you broke up with me and I am still in the dark. I should be really mad at you and really upset, but it's hard. Believe it or not, I miss our friendship more than anything but its really hard to have you as a friend and imagine someone else have you as a girlfriend. As much as I want to scream and yell at you, the friend part of me wants to give you hug and say that everything will be fine because you said you were confused, and I know how it feels to be confused. I guess I never really looked at the whole picture: we are young and might not be together forever. It's still hard, a month after we've broken up to talk to you, but that's because its hard finding something to talk about. I wish I understood why you were confused and that you would talk to me. I also wish I could move on and love someone else, but it isn't easy. I've loved you for too long and those emotions are not easy to get rid of. If we get back together, you have to tell me what was going on with you and maybe it will be easier for you to communicate with me. If we don't get back together, maybe we will eventually become friends after I get over you. Part of me would like to think you aren't completely over me, as you aren't dating anyone yet, but I don't know. Maybe you are trying to wait a few months to date someone to make it easier on me. You don't have to do that. It will be hard for a long time knowing that you are dating someone else or might have a crush on someone else, but I'll live. I did it in middle school, and I'll do it again. I'll try my best not to ask obsessive about everything as long as you try not to flaunt boys in my face. If we become friends and you have crushes, you might have to keep them to yourself because knowing who you like would be too weird for me. I hope I don't become too obsessed with you but I also hope that you remember me and what we stood for when we were together. I thought we were happy.
Love,
Gordo"
Reading that made me happy to know that he thinks we can be friends and I read on. Some of the letters were sad and some were angry, but what got to me is that he always signed them with "Love." He explained in the second entry that he started writing these because his mom is a fan of emotion and sometimes, the only way to show some emotion is through writing imaginary letters to either blow off steam or figure things out. It's kind of like a diary, but more personalized.
I got to the last entry and was just about ready to find him and tell him I'm sorry. This one was dated yesterday.
"Dear Lizzie,
I can't say this to your face because I'll sound like a jerk, but Stuart is an ass. He didn't realize who I was and started talking to me about you. He said you were hot and I agreed because, well, it's true, and he told me how he was two-timing his girlfriend back at home with a girl at another school and well, if you do anything with him, the consequences can't be good. He's a jerk and doesn't deserve you. Besides, he lives no where near you, so this can't have a future. I've never wanted to hurt anyone as much as I want to hurt this guy. Don't trust this guy. I don't. If you want to break up with him and come back to me, I'd be fine with that, but if you just want to break up with him, I'll help you. He's a moron!
Love,
Gordo"
I knew there was something about Stuart I didn't like, and if this is true, I do hate the guy. Gordo wouldn't lie to me in an imaginary letter.
The worst part about this all is that it confirms the thing I have been covering for a long time: I still love Gordo.
I mean, maybe this test I have put myself through is time to end. I haven't proved anything to anyone except myself and that is that I broke up with Gordo too soon. I have to talk to him tomorrow. We are going to London so maybe that will be my big chance. I just hope he means what he wrote and that he does still love me.
I love Gordo and I have to tell him how stupid I am.
Lizzie.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire.
Chapter Eight
Day Five
14 July 2004
I was so tired last night that I didn't even get the chance to update this. Wow, I was on a role for a while, too.
Anyway, here is a quick recap of what happened yesterday: SHOPPING! Okay, we went to a movie, too, but that's a whole different story. We went to a mall and shopped and I got tons of great clothes and lets just say that I am going to need that trip to the ATM really soon. Also, I really hope my parents will pay for this because they are clothes and everyone needs clothes. So basically, I went to the mall with the girls and the guys ended up going to a movie and then another movie. The thing about the movie that got me was that we had assigned seats. I sat at the end next to Stuart and it was fun. I think he likes me. When I saw him in between the mall and the movie, he looked awful chummy with Gordo, and that worried me a little, but I think I've decided that its good if Gordo and whoever I date are friends.
Anyway, we saw the movie and I don't even remember what it was called but that's okay because I wouldn't recommend it anyway.
Anyway all of that was so yesterday and I am so ready to talk about today. So yeah, today we went into Godalming and then later we went to a birthday party of one of her friends which was weird because I felt like we were crashing her party.
Anyway, Anna goes to school in Godalming and we saw where she goes to school (or went . . .she is out of school for summer) and went shopping for a while. I got a book for mom at a bookstore and a CD and a cute shirt and it was fun. I was with Stuart and we ended up going to lunch and I ran into Gordo, Miranda, and Brian and I felt really bad because Gordo looked as if he was miserable, but I couldn't do anything. He probably wasn't miserable. I was probably having too much fun with my imagination or something, but still.
We met up and headed over to the birthday party of Anna's friend, who was turning seventeen. We met all of Anna's friends in England and it was interesting. The girl's mom was serving alcohol to us. I was a little uneasy drinking alcohol in front of parents oh, and besides the fact that I don't drink, so I just had the non-alcoholic punch. Apparently, the party was a barbecue and the words England and Barbecue don't really go together in my mind, so the whole idea wasn't really working for me. The birthday girl's sister was there who couldn't have been thirteen was obviously drunk and just lying there on the ground (we were outside) making really random comments, like, "You have really blonde hair," and stuff like that and I just sat there and nodded my head. I noticed Stuart get up and get a drink and I didn't know what to think. At first I thought maybe he wasn't who I thought he was and was a drunk at heart, but he only had one drink, so I didn't make an issue of it. It wasn't like he was endangering anyone's life or anything. Besides, I have to remind myself that I am not a little girl anymore and the older I get, the more people I will meet and not everyone is as clean as they are when they are little.
What I mean is that you know how when you are little, you think you will never drink or smoke because its bad for you and you never think your friends will smoke, well, things change. People drink, people smoke, and some of them are going to be your friends and you can't make an issue about it because it's not a big deal. Well, it might be, but that's not the point. I have to learn to not judge people by the bad things the do because they might do plenty of good things as well. I saw at least three people smoke at this party, and I think if I saw that two years ago I would have freaked out, but now, its not as big of a deal. It's legal.
Anyway, besides the alcohol and barbecue the party was ruined because someone chose to start drama. Apparently, one of the guys at the party was dating this girl but they broke up and she just found out that while they were dating, he made out with another girl and that girl said some pretty mean things to the other girl and pretty soon, the ex was crying why the guy was outside debating about what to do while the other girl just decided to leave. The group from America stayed out of the drama and just watched as it just got worse and worse. Before the girl left, the ex slapped her and it just became confusing after that. Anna wanted to stick around to convince the guy, who felt horrible, that it wasn't his fault. The girl who was throwing the party was having a pretty bad party.
We just kind of sat there and watched everything happen. Stuart sat next to me and we ended up holding hands. It wasn't a big deal, but it got me thinking. Is Stuart someone I could see myself with? The long distance thing bothers me, but he is a nice guy. If I am trying to get experience with other guys, he's another guy, right? I don't have to marry him, right.
Well, we finally left when Jaime picked us up and we went back to the house and watched a movie. Stuart and I sat next to each other and sort of cuddled (not to obvious. . .Gordo was in the room and that would be weird) as the movie played. Every once in a while, I saw Gordo turn around as if to check on me, but I pretended not to notice because if I pretend to notice, it will bother me and I will end up thinking too much about how wrong doing all this is to Gordo. I miss him. I really do. Why is it that I haven't accomplished anything in the past four months? Maybe God is trying to tell me that I belong with Gordo and would be wasting my time with anyone else. I mean, I am setting myself up for bad things because Stuart is from way across the country and he is cute and everything, but there is something about him that bothers me. I am starting to think that the thing that bothers me is that he isn't Gordo.
~Later that evening~
Where do I begin?
Well, I was getting ready to turn out the lights when Miranda came up and handed me something. It looked like a notebook. "What is this?"
Miranda shrugged, "I found it in the den near Gordo's stuff. I started reading it and I know I this is wrong, but maybe you should read it too."
So, I read it, and. . .well, apparently Gordo writes letters to me. It wasn't freaky like I thought it was going to be when I began reading them. In fact, it was kind of touching He used them to let out anger. Here is his first entry.
"Dear Lizzie,
What has happened to us? You left me in the dark when you broke up with me and I am still in the dark. I should be really mad at you and really upset, but it's hard. Believe it or not, I miss our friendship more than anything but its really hard to have you as a friend and imagine someone else have you as a girlfriend. As much as I want to scream and yell at you, the friend part of me wants to give you hug and say that everything will be fine because you said you were confused, and I know how it feels to be confused. I guess I never really looked at the whole picture: we are young and might not be together forever. It's still hard, a month after we've broken up to talk to you, but that's because its hard finding something to talk about. I wish I understood why you were confused and that you would talk to me. I also wish I could move on and love someone else, but it isn't easy. I've loved you for too long and those emotions are not easy to get rid of. If we get back together, you have to tell me what was going on with you and maybe it will be easier for you to communicate with me. If we don't get back together, maybe we will eventually become friends after I get over you. Part of me would like to think you aren't completely over me, as you aren't dating anyone yet, but I don't know. Maybe you are trying to wait a few months to date someone to make it easier on me. You don't have to do that. It will be hard for a long time knowing that you are dating someone else or might have a crush on someone else, but I'll live. I did it in middle school, and I'll do it again. I'll try my best not to ask obsessive about everything as long as you try not to flaunt boys in my face. If we become friends and you have crushes, you might have to keep them to yourself because knowing who you like would be too weird for me. I hope I don't become too obsessed with you but I also hope that you remember me and what we stood for when we were together. I thought we were happy.
Love,
Gordo"
Reading that made me happy to know that he thinks we can be friends and I read on. Some of the letters were sad and some were angry, but what got to me is that he always signed them with "Love." He explained in the second entry that he started writing these because his mom is a fan of emotion and sometimes, the only way to show some emotion is through writing imaginary letters to either blow off steam or figure things out. It's kind of like a diary, but more personalized.
I got to the last entry and was just about ready to find him and tell him I'm sorry. This one was dated yesterday.
"Dear Lizzie,
I can't say this to your face because I'll sound like a jerk, but Stuart is an ass. He didn't realize who I was and started talking to me about you. He said you were hot and I agreed because, well, it's true, and he told me how he was two-timing his girlfriend back at home with a girl at another school and well, if you do anything with him, the consequences can't be good. He's a jerk and doesn't deserve you. Besides, he lives no where near you, so this can't have a future. I've never wanted to hurt anyone as much as I want to hurt this guy. Don't trust this guy. I don't. If you want to break up with him and come back to me, I'd be fine with that, but if you just want to break up with him, I'll help you. He's a moron!
Love,
Gordo"
I knew there was something about Stuart I didn't like, and if this is true, I do hate the guy. Gordo wouldn't lie to me in an imaginary letter.
The worst part about this all is that it confirms the thing I have been covering for a long time: I still love Gordo.
I mean, maybe this test I have put myself through is time to end. I haven't proved anything to anyone except myself and that is that I broke up with Gordo too soon. I have to talk to him tomorrow. We are going to London so maybe that will be my big chance. I just hope he means what he wrote and that he does still love me.
I love Gordo and I have to tell him how stupid I am.
Lizzie.