Not What You Think

Chapter 5- Perfect

A/N still not going to be happy. But I suppose I made that clear before.

I am swimming again. It scares me. I never knew that things could be this way. The only type of experience I have is violent and wrong. But here she is making me feel infinitely better than IT ever could, without doing even half of the things IT did.

She is fucking amazing really. I can tell that her hands don't have much practice. She is unskilled. But Goddess it feels so good. Truly I cannot believe that this is real. What I've wanted for such a long time is now mine.

But I still belong to IT. I need to get away from that relationship. I'm scared. I need to cut again. I wish I could stop like I vowed the other day… but I still need it. I can't just give it up. It's all I've had for the past two years. It was my only reliable thing. For two years it was my only.

The thing about the cutting. After all this time, it is comfort. It is safe. It has been with me when nobody else was. Never did my box cutter judge me. Never did my box cutter leave me. Never did my box cutter try to take from me. My box cutter gives and gives. I love it.

But then I see the content girl lying next to me. I realize that she never took from me. Holy shit, how fucking stupid am I? I mean really! How could I have not seen this before. I am one hell of an idiot! It's almost special.

I look at her and again I want to cry. There is moisture behind my eyes. This person is melting my iced heart. Her beauty is painful. I don't deserve her. Really, she is just about perfect. What am I? What did I do to deserve her?

There must be karma. I've been through so many bad things, maybe it's time to have some good in my life. Ginny deserves her good now. Wow, I just realized something. I'm gay!

Really I am a moron. I just had the most fulfilling and gratifying experience of my entire life and didn't even realize that it was with a girl. I suppose that I just felt, didn't think. That's a good thing… I think. Um, yeah, I don't care. All that matters is her. And that's good. Goddess that's good.

I need to talk to Harry. I'll go now. What's the worst that could happen. Okay. Need to sit back down, NOW! The worst that could happen. Let's review. He thinks that he is in "LUV" with me. He beats me, he rapes me. How much worse could it get? I should not have thought that. I've seen muggle movies, dad loves them. Every time one of those little people says 'How much worse could it get?' it gets much, much worse.

Okay. I am not going by myself. I am NOT going to tell him about Hermione. No need to bring her into this. No need for her to be a primary target for his anger. I need for her to be safe. If she is okay then I am okay. I'll ask her about it later. She is the smart one. She will know what to do.

For now I just want to look at her. What I see is not perfect. But to me… She could not be any better. I'm glad that I have her. Because looking at me… well I am horrible. Look at me. I can barely look at me. I don't even know why she would go for me.

I am so completely hideous it makes me sick. I wouldn't date me. I love her. I need her. Right now I am so content with just watching her chest rise and fall. Gods, she is beautiful. I don't think I could get anything better than her. I don't think there is better than her.

If things fell apart with her. I would be broken. But my shattered pieces would be okay. Because I would know that for a time, she was mine. I would cut. But that's not anything new.

Oh and speaking of cutting. Rubber bands. Rubber bands feel like cutting. It gives pain. It takes pain. But it is so much less messy. I'll see if this works. But I'm keeping the box cutter. I need it. Just in case.

Well I'm off to break it off with IT. I want to leave before my lovely wakes. Out the door. Up the steps. Into Ron's room. I knock on the door. Ron yells to come in. IT sits on my brother's bed. I say that I need to say something to Harry.

Ron says to spit it out then. I tell IT that I need to not be with IT anymore. IT says okay. That IT was thinking the same thing lately and IT hopes we can be friends. I walk away. I thought that would be harder. I was wrong apparently.

I go for a walk in the yard. Near the pond. I used to love the pond. There are all of these great odd looking fish. There are blue fish, red fish, rainbow fish. There are also frogs and ducks and all other types of things.

I sit down on the slightly damp grass. I look out over the pond and think. I'm free now. I am away from IT. Forever. I can be with whoever I want to be with. And I have someone in mind. I pick up a stone that is next to my left foot.

It is smooth and jet black. It is perfect. No scratches, no marks, nothing but shiny cool stone. I envy this stone. It has no flaws. It has no marks to tell stories of it's past. Unlike me. Just looking at one of my arms tells you half of my life. I hate my arms. I hate everything about myself.

Perhaps I'm being paranoid. But I know I just heard something behind me. I turn and I see nothing. I close my eyes and try to take a deep breath. But the air won't go as far in as I want it to. I try again. Nothing. I try again. Nothing. I try one last time. There, that feels so much better. I can't stand it when my air won't come in as far as I want it to. It makes me feel like I'm dying.

There that goes again. I'm almost sure that I heard something near the tree. But I cannot see anything. I cannot tell if I am hearing things or if something is really there. I turn back to the pond. I look at my stone and it happens.

Hand over my mouth. I breathe in the familiar scent. IT. No matter what IT is always there. I fear IT will always be. I am already on the ground. He kicks me in the side. I breathe out. I cannot take a deep breath again. IT is on top of me. Bruising me anywhere he can. Thrusting in and out. Hurting me. I'm not yours. I can't bring myself to say it.

I want to disappear so badly. I want to take this life and shove it. How will I hide this from Hermione? How can I hide this from her? I need to stay away from her. IT gets off. He slaps me with the back of his hand. "Now I'm done with you. Whore." I am shocked. Is it really over now?

IT walks away. I realize that one of my hands is pressed firmly to the ground. I lift it. There is the perfect stone. Only now, it's not so perfect. It's scratched and dirty, and worn. Oh well. I toss it into the pond and watch it sink to the bottom.

Chapter 5. W/E.