Gashes
Author: Sakaki
Rating: R
Summary: Self-improvement is masturbation, now self destruction...might be the answer
Pairing: Clark/Lex implied, Clark/other
General Boring Disclaimer: Smallville belongs to Millar/Gough, Not mine.
Categories: angst, whumping
Feedback: It's what I live for. Exodus and Exile, story takes place soon after.
Gashes
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" was his response.
"I don't know" Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat "it doesn't matter."
Lewis Carroll 'Alice in Wonderland'
Clark had been back two days when the dreams began. He was in Metropolis as Kal just dancing the nigh away in a club in between a guy and a girl. He woke in a cold sweat turned on and disturbed wanting to leave his summer behind but knowing he couldn't.
The next morning the house was quiet and he still couldn't meet his parent's eyes. He went to school and put on his old mask one that was constricting and just didn't fit anymore. He'd see the world at its worst and had stared his darkness in the face and just didn't know where to go from there.
So a few days turned into a week and the dreams began to change until all he dreamed about was finding another ring and putting it on again. And once he put it on he began to feel again. He felt anger and pain but at least it was emotions and not the numb void he always carried these days.
He went to school and went straight home. He did chores and then went to his fortress and just laid there daydreaming. He ignored how his parents made reasons to go to the barn and make sure he was there. Made sure he hadn't run off again. And when he was called in for dinner he went inside and suffered through the silence and stilted conversation.
They'd wanted him back and had said they didn't blame him. They had lied. His mother couldn't look at him and when she did he could see that she was thinking of the child she lost. Her real child which he had made her lose. Clark didn't think she would ever really forgive him.
His father didn't bother trying to talk to him anymore. The casual hugs and shoulder pats a thing of the past. No more casual teasing or offhand compliments. It made Clark wonder what he was really doing there and why they had bothered to bring him back.
Was it all because they just couldn't bear to lose another child? Or was it because they didn't want more people discovering what a freak they had raised and unleashed on the world. Clark honestly couldn't tell and he didn't care. The hurt had faded to a dull throb and he was filled with a blessed numbness.
And if in the middle of the night he woke up panting in a cold sweat dreaming of the burn of the brand on his chest and in his veins as the red kryptonite ran through his system he ignored it and went on pretending it was all fine.
Clark longed for someone to talk to but no one would understand. Before he would talk to his parents but they were at the root of the problems. Everything was tentative with his friends right now. Chloe pissed at how he had been this summer and still too wrapped in her anger to see beyond it or be understanding. Pete wanting nothing but to get away from the weirdness and avoiding him. Lana all injured feelings and doe eyed asking him to just tell her what had happened.
He couldn't tell Lana she would run screaming not understanding. Too innocent and childlike to understand how it was yet. And the last of any feelings for her evaporated as he realized she'd been an ideal. Something pure and perfect to hold onto but nothing in this world was pure and perfect least of all him. And so he let go of the dream and never realized he was losing himself along with it.
Lex would understand but Clark never saw Lex anymore. Lex was busy wrestling his company back from his dad and fighting to save it. He knew about the darkness but Clark couldn't explain properly without spilling his alien status and he wasn't ready to tell anyone that again just yet. Clark knew Lex would see his problems so he avoided the castle just making delivers and leaving. The few times he did see Lex he just said his parents wanted him close for a while.
Which was true but Lex still didn't know about Metropolis and Clark couldn't explain just yet.
He needed someone to tell him what to do to make this right. Someone who would clearly say if you do this or that then everything will be okay. But there was no one there to do that and he doubted that anything could make this right. So he was forced to go this way on his own and he didn't know what to do or what he wanted to do.
His life had gone from being great to going down the drain in a matter of days and he saw no way to escape the tarnished mess that was his life. He was just a kid. A stupid kid on his own who didn't know what to do. He didn't know which way to turn.
So weeks turned into months and Clark began to loathe his home. He hated dinner with its false cheerfulness and unspoken accusations. He counted the hours until he could escape and dreaded the passing minutes until he was forced to return. His days seemed never-ending far to long as if he was stuck in a bubble that slowed time down.
He felt the walls closing in on him and sometimes struggled to breathe. He wondered if one day his lungs would give out on him as he constantly woke struggling to breathe. He hadn't even known he could have panic attacks but the prison that was his home had triggered them.
The night were spent with little sleep as Jor-El began speaking to him again. Yammering at him and Clark would just squeeze at his head wishing for a way to drown him out. Slowly Clark began to spend more and more time in his fortress until he lived there. His parents constantly checking on him but at least when he couldn't sleep he could run and run cross-country without his parents seeing him leave.
And it was 4 months since returning that Clark found his solution. He walked home now instead of super speeding to avoid getting there. And in a random field he found a meteor rock the size of a pebble which caused him to trip. His hand landed on a bigger chunk. Instantly he felt sick and pain flooded his system. It was the most he felt in months. He grabbed the rock and held it watching in fascination as his veins bulged and withered at the same time. Turning a black green as his skin turned wax colored. He tightened his grip and felt the pain pulse and the nausea rise up within him.
And for the first time in months Clark smiled a real smile. Jor El was silent in his head. He put the rock in his bag and feeling sick walked home smiling the whole way.
That night was his first night without a panic attack or dreams of metropolis.
The next day he asked Lana to give him back the lead box he'd let her borrow. She'd been confused but agreed. And Clark slowly wandered the fields of Smallville looking for meteor rocks small enough for him to carry.
But it wasn't enough most were too big for him to carry around and continue as normal. He mainly go t big pieces so he could see how long he could hold it but he wanted one for all times so he never had to listen to Jor El prattle on again and so he could feel. Because without the rocks he was still always empty. They helped him feel again.
So Clark used his heat vision for shape one of the rocks into a needle and pierced his nipple. He fashioned a kryptonite stud small enough to go unnoticed and for him to function while constantly wearing it. Jor El was nothing but a faint buzz in the back of his head. The discomfort was small and he felt enough to make it through the day. He pretended to care when Pete moved away but honestly they hadn't talked in so long it hardly mattered. Chloe was back to normal and watching him worried. She was constantly pushing food at him but he rarely ate it.
Lex made his triumphant return having won the latest set of fights with his dad but Clark had just smiled faintly with pain clouded eyes and gave half-hearted congratulations. Nothing mattered anymore except his cure. He went home and did his chores. His parents were fighting about him again. He heard his name and hightailed it to the barn clutching his cure tightly in a fist that started dripping blood as the rock bit into his palm.
He stared down bemused. This was something new. He'd never bled before. He took off his flannel shirt and took a quickly sharpened rock to his arm. Beautiful pain blossomed and he closed his eyes in ecstasy. Oh god it was beautiful almost as good as sex had been. He bit his lip and did it again and he found a new level which he couldn't do without.
But as the weeks passed him by it wasn't enough anymore. Jor El was getting louder again and he pierced the other and put in another stud to quiet him. His tolerance to the rocks was growing. Late one might he got the largest meteor rock he could fight and ran to Metropolis to have it fashioned into a knife. He raised money that night for it the same way he had gotten it in his early days in Metropolis. He fucked a random stranger for it.
Or in this case let some random guys dry fuck him. It was a new and interesting way to get pain. The pain had filled him pleasantly and he knew it would last for a few hours. This pain would do until he had the knife. And so he took to looking for this new pain every night in Metropolis maybe even more than once. The more times one night the longer the pain lasted.
And the pain was what kept him sane. The pain allowed him to go on each day. With the pain he didn't have to think. He didn't have to wonder what was next. He didn't have to look at the mess that was his life and wonder how to fix it or if he even wanted to fix it. All that mattered was the pain and keeping it going.
Clark went on with his life. School was going great and he was getting n praise for all his good work and now he suddenly had better chances for scholarships. The funny part was he wasn't even trying anymore .He did everything on automatic these days. He ate automatically, smiled on command, and answered on command. Clark wondered if anyone even noticed the change. He hadn't exactly stood out before as he hid his abilities.
He passed by the Talon to pick something up for his Mom from Lana and experienced a moment of brief shock seeing Chloe and Lex talking before it faded. He shrugged and went straight to Lana. He got the order and turned to leave and saw they had noticed him. He went over because Lex gestured to him and Clark couldn't not go.
"Hey Clark how are you feeling" Lex asked with a piercing gaze fixed on him.
Clark gave him the blank smile
"Feel fine. Wonderful" Clark said
Lex didn't seem to believe him and after a few moments under their stares he made excuses to get away.
His parents were trying to make an effort and he tried to meet them halfway. But he refused to leave the barn. His mom smiled at him again and started to cook foods he had always loved but he picked at it and pushed it around.
From far away he wondered if he could longer than humans without food. When he bleeds his blood was red just like theirs. When he came it looked the same as a human male's come. He pondered this for a few moments before excusing himself under his parents strained eyes and retreating to the barn.
And that night he dreamed of Lex. Lex restraining him and holding a kryptonite laced whip. He felt every lash as they hit and he got harder with each hit. The pleasure built and he woke sticky and wide eyed. This was new and he wondered if he could ever make it come true.
The knife became ready but he passed it over in his search for sexual pain. He knew places in Metropolis where they would indulge his kink. But it wasn't a kink it was how he saved himself. When it got too much when he needed to feel he would bring the pain and it reminded him he was still alive. It hurt and there was blood and didn't pain and blood usually mean you were real, that you were alive.
And no matter how he convinced himself it was getting better it wasn't and he saw no way out of it. The coffin was closing and he was being buried and he hadn't noticed. He'd lost sight of it. Clark had lost everything. His sense of self and identity. His family and friends and now he was alone in the dark. And he couldn't escape it. He was trying to loose himself in the lie. He pretended he could do anything and save everybody but in the end he couldn't even save himself or those he cared about.
Clark had lost the battle before it had begun by not being able to ask for help or even show there was something wrong. He'd closed himself and no one had seen until he was so far gone he didn't even care if they knew.
And so exactly one year later he came home from school. He was shockingly thin and had bags under his eyes. His eyes were clouded with the constant pain he lived in with his kryptonite piecing and he froze as he heard the yelling.
"We have to do something g he's our son and he's fading before our eyes" Martha Kent was yelling
"But that's just it Martha he's not our son. He hasn't been for the longest" Jonathan roared back.
He's not our son
The words rang in his ears and he swayed on his feet for a moment.
He's not our son
And on automatic he walked to the barn.
He's not our son
One, Two, Three he slowly went up the steps.
He's not our son
IT was over really over. Nothing could fix this.
He's not our son
Clark shut his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing as his vision grayed and he realized he'd been struggling to breathe this whole time.
He's not our son
Hands trembling he pried the floor board and pulled out the kryptonite knife. He stared at it as it started to glow at the close contact. He wasn't their son.
He's not our son
And maybe he never had been. The replacement to fill their void. The weird alien they took in. He had fooled himself all this time.
He's not our son
And Clark pressed the knife to his arm and slashed. He slashed quickly and deeply. He was careful to make the word legible and then watched transfixed as the blood flowed down his arm to pool on the ground. He struggled to control his hearing not wanting to hear his parent. No not his parents. The Kent's.
He tuned it all out and he stared down at his arm and he dug the knife deeper and he smiled. He would be free. They had released him. Losing all hope was freedom.
Inanely a movie quote floated through his head.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
He's not our son
He didn't see Lex until he yelled out his name. He looked up and smiled goofily at Lex happy to see him even if it would only be for his last few minutes.
"Oh god Clark what did you do?" Lex asked grabbing a towel drying on the banister and pressing it to his arm and holding down the pressure. He grabbed the knife from Clark and threw it away.
"Lex" Clark said protesting the loss of the knife. It was what was keeping his wound open. They began to close.
"Why Clark?" Lex asked
Clark looked at him. Really looked at him and all he saw was concern and love. He smiled at him again in an almost dreamy way. His vision was graying on him.
He reached down and pulled away the towel. In blood the word was imprinted in the towel. Lex looked down and he saw the word Clark had carved into his arm. Slowly the world went black and Clark fell forward. Lex grabbed him and in horror he stared down at the towel.
He closed his eyes but the word was engraved in his mind.
Alien
The End