Poor Malfoy

5 Days Until the Wedding

So I found an awkward position for the beginning of this chapter: Vladimir was shoving Malfoy into a big, plastic bubble with rubber arms while Crabbe and Goyle were having a "biggest booger" contest. Yeah.

Vladimir claimed that the bubble was to keep Malfoy healthy, but Malfoy wasn't sure why he locked it.

"Hey, Vladimir?" called Malfoy from the bubble.

"Yes?"

"Could you get me a glass of water?"
"Sure-- wait a second… You can't drink w--"

"NOW!"

Crabbe and Goyle acted out the plan that they had come up with while Vladimir had to go tinkle. They dumped the bucket of boogers they were using earlier on Vladimir's head. He stumbled all over the room, blinded by the snot.

The trio were able to get out the unlocked door and into somewhere they thought they'd never be.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

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Hermione watched the add and was not surprised at the costs, because she already had one, and it was pretty crappy.

So as she tried on her tight, spandex dress, she wondered if Malfoy would make her wear something like this if she married him.

Why was she thinking of him again. She was getting married in less than a week, and she wasn't dreaming of her husband.

She wondered if she'd ever get over him.

As Malfoy looked at the ground from the top of Mt. Blanc, he wondered if Hermione had gotten over him an he could just give up.

"How did V… Vl… Weird-talking-guy get we up here?" asked Crabbe.

"He must've Apparated us without our knowing," Malfoy replied. "Though it doesn't matter now. We'll be stuck here forever."

"NUH-UH!" said Goyle. "All we has to do is believe!"

"What?"

"It says so in a whole bunch of movies," Goyle replied. "'You have to believe!'"

"Do you even know what it means?" asked Malfoy.

"Yes!" said Goyle, pulling out the Dictionary for Dummies. "to move away quickly after hitting a surface."

"I think that's bounce--"

"Same thing!" said Goyle, taking Malfoy's rubber arm and Crabbe's real one while jumping off the mountain.

They fell to the bottom of the Alps and into a grocery store.

There, behind the counter, was Dr. Phil.

"Hiya, Baldy!" said Crabbe. "Can I have a Sierra Mist?"

"If you can dance for it!" said Phil in his Texan accent.

While Crabbe and Goyle were dancing with Fred Willard, Malfoy was telling his problems to Dr. Phil.

"The woman I love is getting married in 5 days… no, wait, four days--"

Four Days Until the Wedding

"What should I do, Dr.?"

"Um… gee… I think you should… get… a puppy?" Dr. Phil suggested confusingly. "Hey, what are you doin'?"

Fred Willard was walking out the door with a crate if Sierra Mist. "It says 'free' on the bottle!"

Malfoy led the Dancing Dumb Duo out the door while Fred and Phil argued about the citrus soda.

2 miles and 8 hours later, the gang was in Germany, a place full of beer and immigrants.

"We need a car!" exclaimed Crabbe.

"There's one!" said Goyle.

A car sat down the road with a small, old man in the driver's seat. The guys walked over to him.

"Hi!" said Malfoy. "We need a ride to Bulgaria in less than four days! How much will it cost?"

"Five-hundred smackers!" said the man.

"Five-hundred bucks?" asked Malfoy. "Where am I going to get that much money?"

"There's one!" said Goyle, which is pretty much all he's good for after the last three star thingies.

A neon sign flashed the words $500 Awarded to Anyone Who Cares across the street at the local Burger King. They walked in.

As you might've known, the Burge King had a few dead people and cats on the floor, roaches on the burgers, and a scary dude in that king mask that you see on the commercial.

"We're here for the $500!" said Malfoy.

"You must pass a challenge first!" said the man in the costume.

"What's that?"

"You must eat… a Whopper!"

Malfoy barfed onto one of the dead bodies. Reluctantly, he took a Whopper from one of the dead employees and thanked her for her excellent service.

The Whopper was okay, excepting the fact that 82½ worms were crawling in it, and that the bun was from the first Burger King ever. Yum, yum.

Malfoy was later awarded his $500 after his third time passing out. He handed it to the old man, who was named Pappy, and they took off.

4/13/05