Poor Malfoy

3 Days Until the Wedding

Malfoy climbed over the wing and screamed. There, in the pilot's seat, was Pappy.

"Pappy?"

"Pappy?" asked the old man. "That son-itch brother of mine? I haven't talked to him in years. I'm Pippy."

"But he's dead!"

"Serves him right," said Pippy. "Ever since he stole my only love."

"Pin--" BANG. "?" asked Malfoy.

"Who?" asked Pippy. "I'm talking about Pinnoui. He done gone stole her from under me."

Malfoy was dead confused.

Hermione decided to get over Malfoy by watching Comedy Central. The stupid thing was, MAD TV was on commercial.

Do you need a tan?

Are you so pale, people constantly ask if you're sick?

Are you single because your girlfriend decided to get married?

She changed the channel to Discovery.

As you can see, the male naked mole rat is so pale, even the slightest bit of sun can kill it. That is why the female only comes along to mate.

Hermione decided MAD TV might be back on.

"Stuart, what did Momma say about smacking your butt in public?"

"I don't wanna say!"

"What did Momma say?"

"I don't wanna say!"

"What did Momma say about smacking your butt?"

"Little boys who smack their butt in public will make them have small, little, pale, butts that women aren't interested in."

"What else did Momma say?"

"Your goo-goo will fall off!"

Hermione decided TV wasn't the best healer.

2 Days Until the Wedding

As the plane started going over the Atlantic Ocean, Malfoy wondered who the older brother was: Pappy or Pippy, and if Pippy would die in the next second.

But other than that, Malfoy was very relaxed: They were almost to Bulgaria.

Then Malfoy thought of something-- how could he have gotten to this point without Crabbe and Goyle? They were he ones who made this trip worthwhile, and Malfoy had to thank them.

But all of a sudden, the Bulgarian Quidditch Team came flying out of the clouds. They began shooting the plane with guns and throwing grenades. Pippy's wing exploded and Pippy was shot in the chest.

"We can save him!" yelled Goyle over the noise of the explosions. "You just have to believe, Pointy!"

"I'm not jumping off this thing!" yelled Malfoy.

"We need less weight to carry the plane down!" yelled Crabbe.

"But--"

"JUST DO IT!" they yelled, and Malfoy "believed" off the plane.

The Quidditch team did not notice Malfoy's decent and continued bombarding the plane.

Malfoy splashed into the water, luckily saved by his bubble. Using the rubber arms, he swam to shore.

Hermione lay in bed that night, kept awake for three reasons:

Viktor Krum's annoying snoring.

She was completely nude, it was very cold, and Krum was hogging the blankets.

She missed Draco.

Well, she did. She could think of nobody else.

Hermione got out of bed and left the house for a walk, getting catcalls because she had forgotten to put her clothes on.

She thought she should go to the airport and fly back to England, but that would be stupid. She could look in the International Prophet tomorrow and see that Draco had been killed while trying to get to her.

Hermione did not sleep well that night.

18 Hours Until the Wedding

Malfoy swam his way onto the shore of Portugal and got a pay phone. He called Hermione's cell.

"Hello?" said a man's voice. It was Krum.

"Hi, I need to talk to Hermione!"

"Oh, it's you," Krum said. "Listen, Malfoy, Hermonee doesn't like you. She's marrying me. She just went out with you because I wasn't around. So why don't you just--" BANG. "yourself?"

Malfoy couldn't believe it. It was either Pippy's plane or Pappy's car or vice-versa. He threw the phone to the ground.

There sat Pappy's car with Pappy, Pippy, Crabbe, Goyle, and an Asian woman.

"Pippy!" yelled Malfoy.

"Pappy!" yelled Pippy.

"Pappy?"

"No, Pippy!"

Malfoy looked at the woman. "Pin--" BANG. "?"

"Pinnoui!" said the woman.

"Crabbe!"

"Goyle!" said Crabbe.

"Goyle?"

"No, Crabbe!"

Malfoy was dead confused again. Nevertheless, he climbed into the car and Pappy sent it going 236½ miles an hour.

4/14/05