Spider-Bat Presents
Poor Malfoy
4 Hours Until the Wedding
The car sped past the dock they just departed from after leaving Italy, and they were just going through Greece.
"I can't believe it!" Malfoy yelled. "We're almost there!"
With some confused looks from Crabbe and Goyle, Malfoy grinned. There was only the matter of crashing the wedding now.
But then, something really, really, really, really, really, really bad happened. The gang from Queer Eye came to the car.
"Hey, hey, girls!" said the main one with the big nose, a.k.a. Carson. "Your car is, like, so 1999!"
"But it's a 1953 Corvette!" said Pinnoui.
"Ooh, worse than I thought!" Carson pulled two buckets of hot pink paint from his pockets. "Let's get 'em, boys!"
The crew started to paint and redo the car so it looked… gay. Our heroes jumped out and began running.
"My god!" yelled Malfoy. "It's like Pimp My Ride, only they replaced Xibit with Carson! EEK!"
"Hey, hey, hey!" yelled Carson. "Come, like, back here!"
Carson led his gang to catch up with 'Foy, and Pappy pulled out his cell phone, pushing a button.
"Hey, Malfie!" said Pappy. "My brother, Poppy, has a helicopter! He can help you get to Bulgaria!"
"What about you guys?"
"We'll…" Pippy hesitated. "We'll fall victim to gays!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Malfoy.
"Just do it!" said Pappy. "Coyle and Grabbe might get smarter!"
"Their names are Crabbe and Goyle!"
"That's not what they told me," said Pappy, looking back at the Brainless Bunch. "Look, there's the copter!"
Poppy's helicopter flew over them and Malfoy jumped onto the rail.
"I'll miss you!"
"Good luck, Pointy!" Goyle and Crabbe yelled as they were forced into some makeup.
Malfoy used the helicopters blades to pop his bubble and he climbed into it.
"Welcome to the Spiral Chicken, son," said the pilot.
"Hi, Poppy," said Malfoy. "How're you?"
"Poppy?" said the pilot. "That son-itch brother of mine? I haven't talked to that gay bastard in years- ever since he stole the only man I ever loved: Pa--" BANG.
The pilot spun her chair around. "I'm Peepee, Pappy's, Pippy's, Poopy's, Poppy's, Pinky's, Pilky's, Plinko's, Plasty's, and George's sister."
Malfoy was about to die on confusion.
57 ½ Minutes Until the Wedding
"It's okay, Hermione, calm down!" Ginny yelled as Hermione grabbed her inhaler for the fifth time. "It's just pre-wedding jitters!"
"It's not… that… dammit!" Hermione yelled. "I… don't… think… I'm… marrying… the right…man!"
"What?" asked Ginny. "Of course you are!"
"I… want to marry… Malfoy!#!$#$#!#!#!$!#!#!$$#$$$WE#&UWRBIBHGFBADFHDF"
"What?" asked Ginny.
"Sorry," said Hermione. "The author got bored and started playing with the keyboard."
"Why didn't he delete it?"
"Too lazy, I guess…"
24 ¾ Minutes Until the Wedding
BOOM! BANG! CRASH! SPLAT!
Malfoy ran from the debris of the inferno that used to be the helicopter, not worrying about Peepee, for she was bound to return from the dead sometime today.
He had twenty minutes until the wedding and 48 ½ miles to go. He was never going to make it. He decided to sit down and cry.
All of a sudden, the Batmobile pulled up to him, and Batman jumped out.
"I hear you need to get to a church in Bulgaria in less than 20 minutes," he said. "I can help you get there. Get in."
Draco got in the car and was surprised to see Harry, Ron, Crabbe, Goyle, Pippy, Pappy, Poppy, Peepee, Fara Fawcett, Pinnoui, Robin, and Pin--BANG.
"We tried to contact you," said Harry. "but the Cingular computer said you had turned your cell phone off."
"Why didn't you tell us you were chasing after Hermione?" asked ex-Charlie's Angel Fara Fawcett.
Malfoy was more confused than all the times in this story combined.
12 ½ Minutes Into the Wedding
"Do you, Viktor Vigor Krum, take Hermione Dolores Granger as your lawfully wedded wife? To love and cherish until the day one of you dies?"
"I do."
"And do you, Hermione Dolores Granger, take Viktor Vigor Krum as your lawfully wedded wife-- I mean, husband? To love and cherish until the day one of you dies?"
Hermione was silent.
"Hermony!" whispered Krum.
"I can't do it!" she suddenly yelled. "I can't marry you, Viktor!"
Krum looked amazed.
"You're a fine man, no doubt about that, but I love Draco Malfoy!"
One of Vik's family members spoke up. "Isn't he a filthy rich snob?"
"Well--"
"I thought he was a Death Eater!" said another.
"That runs in the family--"
"It said in Weekly World that he was a hobo and snogs Elephant butts all day long!" said the minister. Everyone thought he was a little off his rocker.
"Do you love Draco Malfoy?" asked Krum.
"Yes, I do!"
"AHA! SHE SAID 'I DO!'"
"Well, then, if there is anyone who does not wish for this couple to be joined… anyone? Going once! Going twice! S--"
The Batmobile crashed through the side of the church, killing half of the Krum family.
"What an entrance!" yelled the minister.
"I don't want them to be married!" yelled Malfoy as he stepped out of the car.
"Thank god!" yelled Hermione.
"Well, then it's settled," said the minister. "Viktor Krum shall not wed Hermione Granger! Does anyone else want to be married?"
"Hermione," said Malfoy. "Will you marry me?"
"Of course!"
Batman supplied the couple with two Bat-rings and the minister was ready to start the ceremony, except for one thing.
"You need a best man, Malfoy!"
Malfoy thought for a moment, and then made this whole stupid story a little cute.
"Can I have two?"
4/14/05