Chapter 13

How I Really Feel

Ray woke up the next morning to dull, grey skies. Throwing off the covers he stood up and stretched. He didn't know how his buddies did it. That couch was extremely uncomfortable.

Ray headed to the washroom but made a quick stop at outside his door. Peering into the room he saw Neela, still peacefully sleeping. She looked to beautiful. Smiling to himself Ray quietly shut the door and continued on his way. After a refreshing shower, brushing his teeth and splashing his face with some water Ray made his way to the kitchen.

He stood for a second and scratched his head while he thought. Finally he decided on making Neela a bagel and a cup of coffee. It took him a while to find the toaster but once he did everything else ran smoothly.

"Morning sunshine," he called as he entered the room, tray in hand.

Neela stirred and slowly her eyes fluttered open. She looked around the room a bit disoriented. "Ray?"

"That's me," he smirked, taking a seat next to her. "I brought you some breakfast."

Neela looked up at him and her heart fluttered. No one had ever brought her breakfast in bed before. "You didn't have to do that," she said as she sat up.

"I know. I wanted to," he placed the tray on her lap.

"This looks amazing Ray, thank you," Neela smiled as she noticed the little flower her had placed next to her coffee mug.

Ray shrugged. "It's just a bagel and cream cheese."

"Still," Neela took a bite. They sat in silence for a minute. "About last night…" Neela started.

"Don't worry about it," Ray stopped her.

"I just wanted to thank you. I was a mess…I'm still a mess," Neela shook her head.

"The most beautiful mess I've ever seen," Ray smiled and leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead.

"You're so amazing, you know that?" Neela grinned as she sipped on her coffee.

"I try," Ray laughed. "So, what are you going to do today?"

Neela became very quiet. She placed her cup down. "Actually, um…"

Ray nodded. "I understand."

"I'm sorry," Neela's face dropped.

"Why?" Ray asked. "You have no need to be. This is something you have to do."

"How can you be so understanding?" Neela felt crummy.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I really just want to rip this guys head off and declare to the world that you're mine and we're happy but I can't do that. I have to respect you," Ray stood.

"Where are you going?" Neela felt her heart flip flop. Ray could be such a cocky bastard sometimes but he always came out and surprised her. He was so loving and sweet.

"I think maybe I'll call Bret up or something. Get together with the band, maybe give us some space and give you some time to think. "

Neela nodded solemnly. "Will I see you later?"

Ray's face fell a bit. "That's your choice," and with that he left the room.

Neela sighed and rested her head against the headboard. In less than 4 hours she was going to see Michael again. In less then 4 hours she was going to lose Ray or Michael.

Neela willed herself not to cry and looked down at the tray Ray had brought her. Reaching down she picked up the small flower. So many things ran through her head. What if she made the wrong choice? What if she ended up losing the love of her life? What if they both got mad at her and then hated her?

Placing the tray to the side she rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hall with a loud thud. Ray poked his head out of the living room.

"You ok?" he called.

"Um…not really but thanks," she started to the washroom.

As she was walking she felt Ray grab onto her hand. She wheeled around and was surprised to find his face inches from hers. He reached up and stroked her cheek.

"Ray," she began to cry. "Don't do this."

"Do what?" he asked, knowing exactly what.

"Don't do this too me. I can't do it. I can't," Neela shook her head.

"I love you," Ray whispered.

Neela began to sob. "You can't say that. We haven't even been together for a month."

Ray clutched her face in his hands. "I've loved you since the moment that I met you."

"Why are you doing this? One minute you're being sweet and telling me you're going to respect what I have to do and then next you're putting me in a corner. You're telling me all these things," Neela reached up and placed her hand on Ray's.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't lose you. I told myself that whatever decision you made that I would accept it but I can't. I can't let you walk out of here and not know if you're coming back to me," Ray choked up a bit.

"If you don't want to hurt me then just leave me alone. Just go," Neela shouted, louder then she had intended to.

Ray dropped his hands from her face and took a step back. "If that's what you want," Ray said quietly.

Neela watched him walk down the hall and a few seconds later heard the front door slam. Neela backed up against the wall and slid to the floor. Burying her face in her hands she cried. She cried about everything. Neela never thought she would cry this much over a guy before, let alone two guys. She never thought she would have felt so safe and happy with Ray. She never thought that when Gallant left last year she would have missed him this much. Sitting there at that moment, Neela realized something though. She didn't know about a lot of things but she did know that she loved Ray.

Finally Neela pulled herself off the floor and made it to the washroom. An hour later she was ready. She was going to meet Pratt and then they were going to head to the airport together. Neela sat down on the couch for a minute. She didn't know what seeing Michael would do with her feelings but she knew that right now her feelings were undeniable. She tried to wait as long as she could for Ray to come back but he never did. The time ticked by and soon the time came for her to leave. Getting up, she grabbed her bag and coat and headed for the door. She placed her hand on the door handle but then turned around.

She quickly found a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled something down. She left it on the table right by the door, hoping that Ray would find it. Taking one last look around, she grabbed her stuff and opened the door. Then, harder then she meant to, she pulled the door closed.

The letter she had written to Ray blew off the table and gently floated to the floor.

Ray,

I thought that being with you would be unfair to Michael. I thought that I had to see him again, that I had to see how I felt to decide what to do but I already know how I feel. Nothing can change that. I don't need to see Michael to know that I love. It's always been you. I love you Ray Barnett and I'll be coming home to you.

Love,

Neela