Title: Count to Ten
Author: sablecain
Disclaimers and acknowledgements in part one
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Rodney stormed out of the lab, his face hot with anger and embarrassment. How dare they look at him that way? Like he'd done all this on purpose? He hadn't. He swore he hadn't.
The mouthful of energy bar that had a moment ago tasted so good, now tasted like stale cardboard. He swallowed thickly as he moved out of the transport and through the hallway, ignoring anyone around him. He needed something to drink. He was thirsty as hell.
Finally, he reached his quarters and, once inside, sank wearily onto his bed. A bottle of water sat on an overturned box next to the bed, left over from the night before and he drank from it, quickly, not caring that it was warm. After a few moments, the bottle empty, he lowered it and counted to ten--in Ancient-- as he tried to reign in his emotions. He could feel himself calming down now, slowly. He felt like he'd been on the edge of pure panic since the moment he'd tried to take a sip of coffee in the medical lab. He'd gone from feeling invulnerable, to slightly uneasy about the device not coming off, to feeling completely doomed. All day long the fear had increased, and yet no one… not Carson, not Elizabeth, not even Major Sheppard…noone really seemed a bit concerned.
Rodney looked at the energy bar still in his hand. His hand shook as he lifted the snack to his mouth. He'd been shaky for a whilenow, not that he'd have told anyone that. They'd only roll their eyes and make 'that face'—a face that said thatthey didn't get it, believe it or care. Damn, but he was tired of 'that face'. He thought he'd left it behind when he'd left home so long ago. But somehow, no matter where he went, how far he went, or even what galaxy he went to…there was always 'that face'.
Didn't folks here understand he hadn't eaten for hours? Hours! Taking a bite he forced himself to chew it slowly. Oh, somewhere inside,part of him had guessed that the personal shield would probably come off before he actually starved to death, but he hadn't known for sure. There was so much about this place that was unknown, so much they weren't prepared for. He looked around the cluttered room, boxes strewn haphazardly as he'd begun to unpack the fewthings he'd been allowed to bring. They hadn't expected anything like the Wraith and as if that wasn't enough…they now had some pissed off blob of darkness roaming the halls of the city, intent on sucking up all the energy it could find. The very thought of the shapeless black cloud terrified Rodney. He'd seen what it was capable of. It had sizzled poor Ford like a hot dog on a summer barbeque. There was no way he was going to get anywhere close to that thing.
Rodney swallowed again and looked at the empty wrapper, wondering if he could rustle up a sandwich from the commissary.
What had he been thinking when he signed up for this mission anyway? His mind jumped wildly from thought to thought. Sure, he was the foremost expert on gate technology, but this, this was so far beyond any lab he'd ever worked in. He longed for the safety of his lab on earth for a moment before his eyes settled on the ancient device lying discardedon the bed next to him.
He picked it up. The green crystal was dull now instead of the bright glowing green and he ran his fingertips gingerly over the sculpted edges. He thought again of that brief but exhilarating feeling of being invulnerable. Never in his life had he felt so safe, even if it was only for a brief time, until he'd feared he'd never get the device off…but still, the power he'd felt. It'd been so exciting to try the device in the first place and he'd honestly gotten to like Major Sheppard a bit during their tests. It'd been fun. Would he really have traded that brief experience for the safety of is lab back on earth?
No, he wouldn't trade this adventure for anything, not when he really thought about it. His hand tightened on the device and his fingers twitched. Distractedly he looked around the room again, suddenly longing for his cat. Right now what he'd give anythingto have that cat curl up on his lap and let him scratch behind his ears. He sighed again and slipped the personal shield back into his pocket.
Never before had he even imagined the things he'd already seen in the last few days, both marvelous and terrifying. He'd even enjoyed the easy camaraderie he'd felt with Major Sheppard earlier, when they were testing the device, but it was that dismissive tone that the Major had just used on him that made him doubt himself and his place here. He'd thought, believed that he and Sheppard had started a real friendship earlier, but now… Sheppard's harsh reaction to him in the lab made him feel like it was over before it'd really had a chance.
No. He shook his head and stood, searching the boxes again until he found what he needed. Grabbing his flashlight, he took another long breath. He might not be as brave as Major Sheppard or as diplomatic as Elizabeth, he might not rush headlonginto adventures with no hesitation about what the consequence might be or what might happen, specifically to him…but as he looked again around his small quarters on the city of Atlantis, The Lost City of Atlantis…a sense of purpose settled over him. This was where he belonged.
Atlantis needed him, just assuredly as the others here did, whether they ended up his friends or not. He belonged in the Pegasus Galaxy and from now on, he decided, he wasn't going to let anyone make him doubt himself again.
Let the Major save the day. Let Sheppard face down the monster blob and trap it in the box that he, Rodney, had figured out and got working. He could handle that. He could be content with figuring out how things work and then let the Major do the actual working.
Let the others roll their eyes and laugh at him. Let them make 'that face' if they wanted; to hell with them. He knew the truth. He was needed here. They needed him. It was a brave thing to travel to another galaxy with no way to get home…even if it did scare the tar out of him. It was brave to simply be here. So what if he didn't volunteer to rush into dangerous situations;that didn't mean he was a coward. It didn't mean he wouldn't do what was needed when he had to, it just meant one would never again see Rodney McKay doing anything impulsive or foolish.
Rodney glanced at his watch. He needed to get to the control room before they turned all the power off, that way he'd be able to communicate with the Major if necessary while they lured the blob into its trap. Thank God he didn't have to get as close to that thing as Sheppard. He smiled briefly, comfortable with the knowledge that it was not his place to save the day. If he hurried, he could still grab that sandwich.