Harry Potter and the Secret of Love
One day, Jamie Doyle was frolicking in the woods in Scotland. Also, Harry Potter was in the woods being angsty. As Jamie bent down to smell a wildflower, Harry happened upon the same clearing! He fell instantly in love with the young beauty with the cornflower blue eyes and golden, flaxen, shining hair, and lips as luscious as the red, red rose.
"Who are you, to steal my heart so quickly?" asked Harry.
"I am Jamie Doyle," said Jamie.
"And be ye a nymph, to have such otherworldly beauty?"
"No, I'm Jamie Doyle," replied Jamie.
So they started making out, and Harry thought to himself that he had never felt such ecstasy in his life and that the only way it could be any better would be if he turned into a dog.
"Becomus Doggus," commanded Harry, whipping out his wand. Suddenly, he turned into a dog.
So they started making out again, except that Harry was a dog this time.
And their two hearts beat as one.
Then, they frolicked in the woods. Naked. But then they got tired, so they made sweet, sweet man-dog love. Just as dog-Harry ejaculated his magic semen, impregnating Jamie, Braveheart burst out of the woods.
"Unhhhhhhh, that was good," Harry moaned. Just then he noticed Braveheart. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I am Braveheart," said Braveheart.
"I guess I'm in love with you, too," said Harry. So they all had a threesome. It was full of sweat and beautiful love.
Then Braveheart said, "Aha! That was just a cunning trick to distract you while I steal Jamie!" Then he stole Jamie.
"Oh, no," said Harry, "I have to think of an unrealistic way to rescue him. Otherwise I'll have killed everyone I love. Again. That makes me feel like self-mutilating."
So Harry pulled his tail and ran off to find Jamie. When he found the cave where Braveheart was hiding, there was almost a big fight. Then Buckbeak showed up.
"Now I can talk!" said Buckbeak. "And I can also kiss with tongue."
"Awesome," said Harry.
Just then, Hagrid's voice boomed through the trees. "There you are, Buckbeak," he said. "What are you boys doing?"
"We were just about to have a giant orgy," said Harry, still in dog form.
"Oh," said Hagrid, "Well, you can't have a giant orgy without a giant, yar!"
"Good point," said Harry. Then they all had a fivesome.
Later, Jamie gave birth to a litter of Harry Potters. And all five got married to each other and their cosmic unity destroyed all the evil of the world forevermore.