Author's Notes: Onitsuka Chihiro's "Watashi no Waltz no" and the random rain inspired me.
Oh dear...
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Waltz with Me
by Silver Miko
The large room was dark, save for the dim lighting cast by the slowly melting white candles flicker from their position at the center of the cherry mahogany table. The pristine white tablecloth stretched over the table surface, the porcelain china filled with half-eaten meals and the hardly touched silverware resting upon its linen surface.
Misao could see his profile, turned to face the windows which were almost covered completely with red velvet curtains. It was dark outside, a dark charcoal and black night. A storm had been brewing, and she could almost feel the static in the air. They had heard the distant rumbling of thunder in the evening, and every now and then a flash of blue-white lighting struck and illuminated the large cream and red and wood furnished room. Misao could momentarily see the small tables with vases full of flowers, the rich Oriental rugs on the floor, and the stern expression on Aoshi's face as he looked towards the window.
She wished he would look at her at the moment. It was almost like time had stopped, nothing existed out of this room, and everything was factoring on this moment, this night, the two of them.
The clock stops moving
the awkward dinner goes on quietly
as if trying to reveal something
She looked stunning tonight, Aoshi had decided the moment she walked into the room as the sun was setting. Her creamy skin was cased in a dark red dress with a loose V-neck line, spaghetti strapped, and it stopped at her knees. On her small feet were matching shoes, strappy. Her hair was in its usual plait, her eyes highlighted with pink and cranberry colored eyeshadow. And her lips...those temptations made flesh..
They were painted a red stain color. Glossy and perfect.
He himself wore black. Black pants with matching suit jacket, a white silk shirt, and a black tie which was loosened around his neck.
He had asked her there, needed to see her to figure out his obsession. For her. For wanting her. For needing her.
Was she not but a child when last he was there? A small thing running about in overalls catching fishes in the pond?
When had she grown? Become temptation in the flesh?
He had been gone for too long, ten years. She was eight when he left, she was eighteen now, standing before him so silent.
Silence was so unusual for her. She was always energetic, always talkative. He knew the reason, she knew he was deciding something.
About her.
About them.
That was why he insisted she dine with him at his house, away from the city, away from prying eyes, away...
He wanted to be alone with her.
It had been his fault really, he had been the one to start it all. When he had returned from Tokyo, he was supposed to be mature graduate student, having been schooled in Tokyo since he was fifteen, making his way through Toudai, and being accepted in graduate school in Kyoto. He was not supposed to suddenly lust for the child he once looked after in days gone past, he was not supposed to let his control slip, he was not supposed to seduce the young woman, and he was not supposed to begin a physical relationship with her.
And yet he had. He had done all those things. He has deliberately made sure to be near her, he had gone with her so they could be alone that fated day on a trip to Osaka, he had ushered her to a hotel when a storm had prevented them from returning when scheduled, he had explained the situation to Okina and assured he would look after Misao, and he had then lost his willpower and gave in. He had slept with Misao. So many times that time, so many times after that.
And after four months, they still continued their erotic liaison.
But he knew she wanted more. He knew she was in love with him. She wanted more than a secret fling.
But he...he didn't know what he wanted. He knew he wanted her, but did not know the context. He didn't know how he really felt about her aside from desire, he didn't know if he was even capable of giving her what she wanted, he didn't even know if he was capable to give himself what he wanted.
He looked over at her, and saw she was looking at him with those luminous ocean blue eyes. He loved her eyes. Always bright, always seeing.
He could see her lips part and knew she was going to speak.
"Aoshi-sama...if you're trying to figure something out tonight...I'm not sure if you ever will or not but...can't you just come closer to me?"
Her voice was fighting to remain steady, he could tell. She was afraid. Afraid of losing him.
He was afraid...afraid of what he'd feel if he lost her.
oh, won't you please shut up already
I doubt there's an answer anywhere,
as to whether we understand one another.
If that's what you're looking for,
why not just bring yourself over here.
She knew he thought he was unfair to her. That he felt he wasn't giving her what she wanted. Maybe she did want more, but she would have this...what they had, than lose him forever. She could live with the secrecy, live with the lying, live with never knowing how he felt...as long as he was with her.
She knew he thought he was being a bastard...but she thought he was kind for what occurred between them. He never struck her, never physically hurt her, he listened to her, he still took care of her in some ways, he never said mean things to her, he was always considerate of her, accommodated her.
And he...always brought her flowers of some sort. He knew she was fond of collecting flowers and vases.
The last bouquet had been peach roses.
She wondered if he knew their significance.Desire and longing.
It was almost ironic.
He was nice, in his own way, and it scared her sometimes. Because she worried he was trying to hard, worried he was pretending, and she didn't want him hiding from her, worried he was treading a lonely line to keep from hurting her.
She wanted him with her. She wanted to walk that line with him.
To dance together in their crazy relationship. Whatever the undefinable thing between them was.
I'm very afraid of kindness
so I end up crying, because you're kind
Don't dance on your own,
because you're afraid to hurt someone
please waltz with me
It was almost ludicrous and insane. Both were nervous, both were wanting of each other, but were afraid to say anything. Both were waiting for a sign. For something. She was waiting for him to decide, he was waiting for an answer to come from his mind.
By the time winter comes to an end
the frozen birds are afraid,
that they haven't thawed, and will fall,
so they remain flightless.
"Misao..." he began, wishing his voice didn't sound so cold. He was always known for being cold, but with Misao...he wanted to show some warmth. It was so hard though, he had always been alone, always been stoic and brooding. Misao had changed that in ways, had made him less lonely. Less cold.
But part of him would always...have a coldness. But...
She was waiting for him, always waiting for him.
Could he let her go?
They could be together surely...as was?
How much longer can we go on
I'm sure you'd say
to the ends of earth
casting aside all the warmth as you did.
She always wondered why Aoshi clung so much to his regrets, to the sadness of the past, why he couldn't move on in some ways. It broke her heart sometimes to see him brooding about, to see him trying so hard to hide his pain.
Couldn't he see she was here? For him, always him?
She hoped...wondered if one day he would cast aside his grief and lose his sorrow...he had nothing of the past left to believe in.
Just himself and her.
But he was hard pressed to even believe in himself.
Why do you go on living so sadly,
even though you know eventually you'll lose this
It's not like you can believe in anything
with such sad expectations.
She was too kind, too loving...
And he took it all for granted. He kept her tied to him, bonded by fornication. He knew she loved him, that she wouldn't leave him unless he cast her aside. He wondered if even that would stop her.
He almost wanted to cry for her. For them. He truly was a pathetic man. He was using her, and she deserved so much better than the broken man he was.
And yet she kept coming back. Kept climbing into his bed and letting him touch her, gasping his name in pleasure over and over.
She let him use her.
I'm very afraid of kindness
so I end up crying, because you're kind
Don't dance on your own,
because you're afraid to hurt someone
Could he let her go? Could he wish her happy if she ever was with another man? Could he end it all?
He looked at her and tried to picture his life void of her. Her with another.
He could not.
He could not fathom it, the thoughts were loathsome to him.
He could never be happy seeing her with another, he couldn't end it. He couldn't let her go.
He realized it then, as her gaze lowered to the glass of red wine before her.
He truly loved her.
Love...he had never understood the elusive emotion.
Never felt it was necessary.
But now...
All this time. It was probably there the moment his eyes met hers, a boy and child, it was there growing up, when they were apart, it was there the moment his lips touched hers for the first time, the moment their bodies collided for the first time.
He loved her. Utterly and completely.
And he was a fool to not recognize it, flaming so rebelliously in his would-be icy heart.
If you're being burnt by a mysterious flame
cry out, and call my name
even just once, even if its the last time
Don't dance on your own,
because you're afraid to hurt someone
Waltz with me.
She wished he'd say something. Even her name again. Was this it? Was this their last night together? Even so, she would dance with him one last time. The passionate dance of desire.
He stood up then, walking slowly towards her as another bolt of lightning crashed, making him seem to light up, and finally he was beside her.
She felt his warm, calloused fingers grasp her chin lightly as he turned her head up to look at him.
"Misao..."
He pulled her up, into his arms with his other hand, his fingers still on her chin.
Their eyes met, ice and ocean blue.
And Misao saw it in his eyes, clearly.
A melting. Hope.
Something burning.
For her.
He pulled her face towards his, his lips brushing against hers, kissing softly, then not so softly.
"Will you be with me Misao? Always. I can't let you go." he murmured against her ear, even as they sunk to their knees and his words were muffled against the slim column of her throat.
She smiled softly, too wrapped up in passion to cry.
"Always, Aoshi-sama. Always." she said breathlessly, softly as clothing shifted, was cast aside on the expensive Oriental rugs, until the flickering candlelight cast shadows on the wall, two shadows entwined and shifting together.
He made love to her, not slept with her, or merely had sex with her...he made love to Misao with all his heart, delighting in every gasp and moan elicited for him. He wanted to hold her against him forever, feel her in his arms and against his skin always.
Their love was not perfect, perhaps flawed in many ways, but Misao could live with that. As could Aoshi.
As long as they were together.
He couldn't believe he almost was thinking of letting her go. Never. She was his. He was hers.
He would not walk alone anymore.
"Misao..."
please waltz with me
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That was interesting to write. Hmmm...again...blame Onitsuka Chihiro!
Here's the Japanese lyrics to the song
'Watashi no Waltz wo'
tokei ha ugoku no wo yame
kimyou na bansan ha shizuka ni tsuzuku
nanika wo nugasu you ni
mou sorosoro kuchi wo tojite
wakariaeteru ka dou ka no kotae ha
tabun doko ni mo nai
sore nara karada wo yoseau dake demo
yasashii mono ha totemo kowai kara
naiteshimau anata ha yasashii kara
dare ni mo kizu ga tsukanai you ni to
hitori de nante odoranai de
douka watashi to warutsu wo
kono fuyu ga owaru koro ni ha
itta toritachi mo tokezu ni ochiru
fuan de tobenai mama
ato doredake arukeru no darou
kitto anata ha sekai no hate he demo
iku to iu no darou
subete no ondo wo furiharainagara
ushinau toki ga itsuka kuru koto mo
shitteru no anata ha kanashii hodo
soredemo naze ikiyou to suru no?
nanimo shinjirarenai kuse ni
sonna samishii kitai de
yasashii mono ha totemo kowai kara
naiteshimau anata ha yasashii kara
dare ni mo kizu ga tsukanai you ni to
hitori de nante odoranai de
fushigi na honoo ni yakareteiru no nara
himei wo agete, watashi no namae wo yonde
ichido dake demo, sore ga saigo demo
dare ni mo kizu ga tsukanai you ni to
hitori de nante odoranai de
soshite watashi to warutsu wo
douka watashi to warutsu wo