A/N: Wow. It's been over a year since I last updated this. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Thanks to anyone who has reviewed since then and anyone who's still reading this story. I really will try to finish it this time.

Disclaimers: Don't own nothing.

Chapter 10: When you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose.

Jess fell back against his pillows after yet another round off coughing. The medicine the doctor had given him was certainly working—he'd had no idea a person could have so much crap in their lungs, let alone cough it all out in a three-hour period. But he finally felt like he could breathe normally again…well, normal if he ignored the stabbing pain with each breath.

His nurse, Elaine, bustled into the room. "Hey sugar, how ya doing?" she asked him in a southern drawl.

Jess gestured to the plastic container they had given him to cough into; he didn't look at it, though –he had been trying not to think about what was in it all afternoon.

"Ah, well I see you've been a busy boy," she said. Jess glared at her. "Are you feeling any better, sugar?"

"A little," Jess croaked hoarsely, his throat was raw and burning from the three hours of coughing. He closed his eyes while Elaine took his temperature and pulse.

"Do you need anything sugar?" she asked.

Jess slowly forced his eyes open. "Some more pain medicine?"

"Of course," she said, patting him on the knee. "How 'bout if I bring you some ice cream too? It'll make your throat feel better."

He nodded.

"What flavor do you like, sugar?"

Jess shrugged, closing his eyes again.

"Ok, sugar, I'll just bring you some vanilla then. Hang tight, I'll be back in a minute."

Jess felt himself relax as she left the room. He was glad that Luke had left for the day. He hated for anyone to see him so weak like this. When no one was there, he felt like he was allowed to just be sick and not worry what anyone thought of him. It was stupid, he knew, but he couldn't help feeling like he still had to keep up the tough guy act, even in front of Luke. He thought Luke understood though—the man might not be a bad boy, but he certainly was stubborn and strong, never one to let anyone else know what was going on inside him. Well, at least not intentionally. Everyone could see he was in love with Lorelai. But then again, everyone could see Jess was in love with Rory. Maybe they had some sort of genetic predisposition to loving Gilmore girls. Probably not. Probably they were just suckers. He put his hands behind his head and sighed deeply, his usual pose when he was thinking hard about something, this time he was rewarded with pain ripping down his side. He put his arms down and curled up on his side…ah yes, that was a much better position.

Jess wondered what Rory was doing. He imagined her reading in a window seat, her hair curling softly around her face, azure eyes fixed in concentration, her beautiful pink lips parted ever so slightly. It was how he always imagined her, well, except for when he was imagining being with her, which was a much different and more stimulating picture. She was the most pure and beautiful thing he had ever seen. He still asked himself every day why she had ever chosen him and why he'd had to leave her. She had really loved him, but he didn't think he was worth it, didn't want her ruining the perfect life she could have had just to be with him. Rory deserved to be with someone better, someone more caring, and someone better at communicating, someone who could provide for her, someone who could give her all the perfect things she deserved. He wasn't sure what those things were; even his idea of perfect probably wasn't right. What did he have to offer her? Sure, they could talk about books and music, sure they'd had fun together, but he could never really give her anything. She'd probably even be better off with bag-boy.

Her memory was what had kept him going every day for the last six months. Some nights, when he was just falling asleep, he would feel her petal soft lips on his and the world would turn white hot around him like it always did when they kissed—but the feeling would melt away and he would be alone again.

It was better that way, though, better for him to be alone, better for him not to hurt her again. Suddenly he didn't know why he had come back. Why had he wanted to tell her he loved her? He was just going to screw up her life again, all because he told her, all because he was stupid enough to think that a world existed where they could both be happy. She should be happy, that was what was important, and he could never make her happy. He just wasn't good enough. But oh, that white hot kiss. Even just the memory of it was worth being alive for.

His reverie was interrupted suddenly when Elaine came back with a tray. "Here you go sugar, vanilla ice cream and some nice cold water." She elevated the bed so that he was sitting up a bit more and put the tray in front of him. "Now I'm gonna give you some more medicine for the pain, but you eat that up before you get too groggy, ok sugar?"

Jess nodded. He hadn't been hungry, but the ice cream did actually look tempting if for no other reason than the fact that it would be cold sliding down his throat. He took a small bite while the nurse added the pain medicine to his IV.

"There you go, sugar. You get some rest now, ok?"

"Ok." The ice cream felt and tasted even better than he had imagined, quelling the pain in his throat. For the first time in weeks he actually did feel a little bit better. He finished the ice cream quickly, but he could feel the pain medicine starting to kick in and make him groggy by the time he was done. He sank back against the pillows. Everything was getting blurred with sleepiness and the narcotics, but just as he was about to surrender to the blissful, painless rest that was waiting just behind his eyes, something worth staying awake for showed up.

There she was, standing in the doorway in a simple blue dress. The white light coming in through the blinds lit her silhouette. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"Rory…"