A/N - Song lyrics come from Elton John's 'The One'
Part Fifty Eight
"Did I really dream I'd been up before the judge and only got one year?" mumbled Lauren's voice through the scrunched up quilt, which lay over her face. Her eyes were barely open as her lids felt as if lead weights were dragging them down.
"If it was a dream, man, you got all the press and the Old Bailey to help you out," Denny's very down to earth tones greeted yet another day in Larkhall.
A few hours later, Lauren felt as if the sun shining down into the canteen area was especially sunny and everything was fresh. She was beginning to feel that this day was the first day in her new life, except it was sausage, beans and mash for the third day running and she'd left half the food as it tasted disgusting. Denny cheerfully helped herself to the leftovers being the woman who was dead skinny and could shovel food down her without thinking. She was enjoying her morning cigarette which was going to have to last till teatime and that would carry her through to the weekly spends tomorrow.
Dominic looked round the canteen area till his eyes lighted on her and he came over to speak to her.
"Miss Betts would like a word with you in her office." She stubbed out the freshly lit cigarette to save till later and followed him. He was one of her favourite prison officers, who politely asked rather than demanded in a hectoring, stentorian manner like Bodybag did. She was twice as willing to accommodate him as a result and followed his easy walk to Karen's office.
"Miss Betts, Lauren Atkins to see you." Lauren walked warily into the Wing Governor's office, born of the ingrained habits from school. She was never the best-behaved pupil and summonses to the headmaster's office were the forerunner of bad news.
A beaming smile spread all over Karen's face as she greeted her and the warmth of the woman took her back to that other person who looked like her when she used to come round to Mum's. She saw past the familiar smart suit, which were the superficial trappings of office.
"I thought I'd give you a chance to settle down after yesterday." "I've been pinching myself to persuade myself that what happened is real. I still can't believe that I'm not here for the rest of my life." "Believe me, it happened and even if I ever doubted what we've seen, I'll have it in writing soon enough. I want to congratulate you as you've held your head up high."
"I can't thank you enough for getting up there on the stand for me, and Denny and Cassie and everyone who stood by me. I owe everyone so much." "It was nothing," Karen said, self-deprecatingly. Two professions had instilled that sense of duty that would not let her seem boastful of what she felt was what must be done. "Still, if there's anything I've done which has helped, I am glad." "I wanted to talk to you about your future ….." "My future? I've got the best reason to be positive and make the most of everything but there's just one thing……." "And what's that?" "It's Miss Barker. She's not going to be very happy with me for the way the trial went, and what happens when she gets back on the wing? Also Mrs. Hollamby." "There are certain things that you have to concern yourself with about how you get on. Miss Barker's situation is my concern and you work on the basis that she is not here at the present time, and only concern yourself if and when she returns. As for Mrs. Hollamby, you leave her to me. What I want you to start thinking about, is how you get on now and the psychiatric help you will get which is built into your sentence." "I'll go along with it, though I'm feeling much better than I used to. I'm not the same woman as the Lauren Atkins who landed herself up here in the first place." "You'll do more than that, Lauren. You've got a long way to go and you'll work at it when you do see the psychiatrist. You owe it to your mother. I agree that you've come a long way. I can tell. I just don't want you to be too complacent." Karen's determined tones were softened as she carried on with the smile of recognition of the woman she had known on the outside.
"All right, Miss Betts," Lauren conceded The words of caution steadied her sudden rush of over optimism. She knew the advice was meant for her best. "Can I ask for a VO for Mum to see me." "I'll do better than that. I've got to see her and explain a few things and I'll take it to her."
Karen's smile faded after Lauren had left the room, her jaunty step expressing the mature resolve for her future plans being given a realistic slant by Karen. Her smile reflected the solid fact that she had turned the corner on the worst of her life. For Karen, no such elation was possible as she had the feeling that talking to Yvonne wasn't going to be as easy as she had made out. Her orderly mind filed that away to be taken care of by the Karen that wasn't dressed in her familiar smart suits. She turned her thoughts to a matter she had left in abeyance while the trial was on, the matter of Sylvia leaving them all in the lurch the night Buki cut up. Both as manager of the wing and as one time prison officer who had to muck in at short notice, she found it hard to forgive, far less forget. So what if giving her an almighty bollocking was right after the result of the trial? Since when had Sylvia had any regard for her feelings? A tight smile of anticipation spread across her face as she reached out for her phone.
"What can madam want now?" grumbled Bodybag. "As if I hadn't got better things to do with my time." "Then you'd better go and find out, Sylvia. Put yourself out of your misery." Gina's blunt unsympathetic tone concealed her pleasure at what she knew was to come as Bodybag went off in a huff.
"Come in, Sylvia. Shut the door behind you." Her curt tones and hard look in her eye made the memory of her 'sickie' weekend jump back into her mind. She had started to believe that there was an end to the matter after she had handed in her self certificate with 'backache', her usual alibi, and the Monday morning of screw baiting. "It's about time I had a talk with you about your sick record in general and about your so called 'backache' the weekend before last." "So called, ma'am? I was in agony all weekend and laid up and unable to move. It's not easy, a single woman on your own trying to look after yourself." "Nothing to do with your niece's wedding," Karen cut in. "That one's all round the wing." "The very idea," exploded Sylvia. She was a past master at simulating outraged indignation. "You check with my doctor as I saw him later on last week." "The same doctor you've always had all the time I've known you," Karen observed dryly.
"He's always been understanding, has Dr. Nicholson. I've had him for the last twenty years.
"Indeed. I've looked at your sick record over the past four years. It's funny that there's the same pattern. It always strikes you down on weekends that you would be on cover at Larkhall not to say Mondays and Fridays. Have you anything to say?" "I can't help it," Sniffled Sylvia in full martyr mode. "I've never been the same as… as ..the time some of the worst troublemakers pushed me down a flight of stairs and……" "…..You wore that bloody neckbrace, you said that that bloody doctor of yours said that you were at death's door so you talked me into putting you on light duties. Too bad he didn't know that you were winning dance championships," Stormed Karen.
Bodybag looked very sheepish and looked in every direction except directly at Karen. She said nothing.
"You let down your colleagues, you let down the prison service, No thanks to you, everyone else had to put themselves out and in my stint, Buki Lester cut herself and nearly died. Oh yes, you let her down also. I would be very interested in seeing another photo which gives you away again, your niece's wedding pictures……" Karen paused for a minute as her attack from an unexpected direction took the wind out of Sylvia's sails and left her floundering.
"It's not good enough, Sylvia. You can take this as a written warning to go down on your record and you can think yourself lucky that you don't lose your pips - this time. Perhaps you ought to think if you really have a future in the prison service, if you are as ill as you make out and you aren't retired on medical grounds. I'll be watching you anyway. Now get out."
It was a few days later when Karen had just about slaved her way through all the backlog of work, which had piled up in the two weeks of the trial. She had buried herself in work as her one surefire way of preparing herself for what wasn't promising to be the easiest errand. Late in the afternoon, she told Gina that she was going to take some work home. She carefully folded Lauren's 'visiting order' away, packed some of the more routine paperwork into her briefcase and, while it was still daylight, handed in her keys at the gatelodge. She set off towards the one time familiar route to Yvonne's house where a memory told her which way to go. The nearer she got, the more uncomfortable she felt. She'd phoned Yvonne first and while she was friendly enough, she realised that the reaction was skin deep, non-committal. As her car ate up the miles, fears inside her grew that she was driving backwards into her past. When she got nearer to her house, it grew on her that the slow passage of time had moved everything on around. Where once green leaves of summer covered the trees, now they were stripped bare and were fading into the gathering darkness.
Yvonne had been sitting in the deathly hush of home when the phone had rung.
"Hi, Yvonne, I was wondering if it would be convenient to pop out and see you and chat properly for a change." "I ain't exactly running a busy schedule, Karen. Give me a time and I'll be here." "I'll be over at four if that's OK." She could tell by Karen's manner that she was busy which was more than could be said for her. She had the sense not to talk bollocks about 'the old days' but that was Karen all over.
She stuck a CD on as she was waiting. She had pulled it out from the bottom of the rack, out of sight, out of mind.
"I saw you dancing out the ocean.
Running fast along the sand.
A spirit born of earth and water.
Fire flying from your hands .
In the instant that you love someone.
In the second that the hammer hits.
Reality runs up your spine.
And the pieces finally fit.
And all I ever needed was the one.
Like freedom fields where wild horses run.
When stars collide like you and I.
No shadows block the sun.
You're all I've ever needed.
Baby you're the …….." That was a bleeding mistake, Yvonne decided as she clicked off the remote control. She wasn't listening to too much music these days. Any sentimental crap made her feel jealous that they were getting what she wasn't and tears and heartbreak stuff just depressed the hell out of her.
A little later when she thought she was the invulnerable Yvonne Atkins of old, she tried to ignore that little jump in her heart inside of her when a timid knock at the door announced Karen's presence. Immediately, she saw a nervous look in her eye and she figured that Karen was as nervous as she was. It was somehow different when they were in court with the rest of the gang round them.
"Come in. It's nice to have some company, especially yours." The warmth and friendliness in Yvonne's voice was more than she felt but it eased Karen's peace of mind. Just at the right time, Trigger came bounding up to greet her, just as he had always done. "To what do I owe this visit, Karen?" "Well, partly to give you a VO so you can visit Lauren whenever you want…." "….that's nice." "….and partly because I wondered if we ought to talk about the two of us and, just, chat." Karen cursed inwardly at her own awkwardness after handing the slip of paper to Yvonne.
"There's no problem, Karen. Like I said, I know you've moved on from me. I shouldn't have expected any different.
To Karen, the rigid expression on Yvonne's face was a painfully obvious attempt to cover herself up as much as her unusually elaborate makeup did.
"You have every right to expect something better out of life than the shit you've taken over the years. I meant it when I said I'd be here for you, for always if you want it. There are some things that don't change." The determination and obvious sincerity in Karen's voice, eased Yvonne a little as she found herself making a coffee for more than one. Presently, they sipped their drinks and smoked as props to hold onto while they made strained polite conversation. Eventually, Yvonne stubbed her cigarette hard into the ashtray as words came into her mind that she had been searching for.
"Look here, Karen, I've got to get it off my chest. I'm angry deep down. I can't be angry with you as I can see it from your point of view, and I understand why you broke it off between the two of us. I can't feel angry with myself or with Lauren about what's happened as that's going to do no good. So what the hell can I do?" "You have to find something or someone to fill up your life with," Karen protested and the hollow feebleness of her words hung on the air.
Here she was, on more than nodding terms with a judge, a barrister or two and the skilled equaliser between governing governors prison officers and prisoners and she struggled for words to help Yvonne of all people. So the afternoon stretched into early evening, both women being sincere, trying their stumbling best for each other.
"Come in," Grayling greeted the polite knock on the door and Karen strode confidently in on the Friday morning. She noted that his office was much larger and more luxurious than her own.
"What can I do for you?" Karen hesitated for a second. Grayling could turn unfathomability into an art form and, in the past, she had found him slippery and treacherous. Grayling always had his own selfish agenda but that didn't mean he couldn't be bargained with.
"It's about Di Barker. I was wondering if you had any thoughts as to her future?" "You mean, am I considering moving her back to G Wing and, if so, when?" "That's about the size of it," Conceded Karen.
Grayling watched her from behind narrowed, watchful eyes and his expression was inscrutable and neutral. "I told her that she was moved off the wing and that it was for the duration of the trial for her own protection as there are plenty of prisoners who have heard her talk as if the sun shone out of Fenner's backside, more fool her." "So wouldn't it be a good idea to make the temporary move permanent if she's settled down?" "That's just the problem, she hasn't. Your opposite number has asked me at regular intervals when he can unload her back to where she came from. His words, not mine." "And you think that I'm going to welcome her back with open arms? I wanted to make my views plain that she comes back onto my wing over my dead body." "Karen," Grayling urged, a trace of panic in his voice. "You're my best wing governor and only you have the ability to manage a difficult prison officer like her and keep her within bounds. She walks over everyone else." "Now, that's the oldest trick in the book," began Karen and then she stopped. She could see Grayling start to bristle and become visibly irritated. A confrontation was in the offing and that would do nobody any good, least of all her.
"Neil, you were in court that day and you know full well that Di Barker was at the back of that horrible detestable barrister trying to smear my reputation with those photographs. We both know her well enough and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't suggest it to him in the first place. Would you like candid photos of you and your private life being exhibited for all to see, even possibly on the front page of the gutter press? Let's face it, I was bloody lucky. Before the trial, I could just about handle the devious, spiteful, manipulative cow but no way could I bring myself now to even look her in the eye without spitting in it." One look at Grayling and there was a subtle change in his manner. The anger was wiped from his face but so was every other trace of expression.
"Go on, Karen." "If you don't mind me asking, is one of the problems you have with Di Barker that she will pole in on you at the drop of the hat if something gets her back up." "There's something in that." "You have to set boundaries with Di Barker. She won't say it in so many words, but she makes you behave as if you're a quarrelling husband and wife when it suits her purpose. You have to shift the boundaries and don't give her any special favours." 'Physician, heal yourself' popped into her mind. Here she is, being fluent and expressive with words to a gay man who has been more her enemy than, at best, work colleague, never friend. When it comes closer to home, she struggled for words to speak to Yvonne who'll always have a place in her heart even if Yvonne didn't believe it. Her boundaries with Yvonne are anything but defined. With an effort, she dragged herself back to the here and now.
Grayling was listening attentively, she felt, but in his heart, he lacked conviction to act on her plain words.
"Look at it another way, Neil. Sylvia Hollamby and Di Barker are the biggest problems amongst the PO's in Larkhall. They know how to work the system but if you split them up, they might be more manageable. Leave them together and they'll feed off each other and make each other worse." "But how can I sell the idea of a permanent move? It will look as if I've pulled a fast one on her from the very start?" Karen smiled cynically. Grayling wasn't shy in the past of pulling a fast one. Nevertheless, she had to persevere.
"You'll have to bite the bullet and tell her the blunt truth, about the disgraceful way she behaved in court. It's not as if you're relying on third party evidence that she can deny. You saw for yourself what she did. You've got to seize this chance as you'll never get a better one." Karen's calm persuasive manner was not unlike the nurse/mother figure reassuring a scared parent/child. He hated to admit any vulnerability and it was that which transformed him into the actor. His lines had been written for him, be it management speak or his pretensions to strength. In reality he had pursued the genuine article in the man of his dreams. It was strange that this woman, whose blunt outspokenness which he had so long ago felt threatened by, had come to his salvation. This chance placed in his hands would suit his own purposes in finally distancing him from that dangerous woman whom he had once married in a moment of utter madness. "Let me think about it. It's simple and radical and I like the way you talk, Karen."
Karen left the room, a faint smile on her face that at least one of the knotty problems in her life was being solved. If only dealing with problems at home was as easy.
Grayling felt on top of the world after he had fixed up surprisingly easily with Di's present Wing Governor that she would become a fixture on that wing so long as he took on the job of breaking the news to Di and to tell her a few home truths. The look in Grayling's eye was enough persuasion that he meant business and not some smooth sales talk. It was surprising the way that success bred success. He was keyed up and ready for action when Di's footsteps outside heralded her arrival.
"Ah, Di. Take a seat." "It's nice to be able to talk to each other as friends even after everything that has happened between us." Why does the woman talk like someone who has escaped from a cheap romance story, he wondered?
"I wanted to see you on business, not pleasure. I'll keep it short and to the point. You are staying in your present duties, as a permanent transfer on H Wing and not moving back to G Wing." Di's expression froze and changed rapidly to one of rage and anger. "You promised, Neil, that I would only be moved temporarily until the Atkins trial was over. But then again, why should I expect any better from you?" "I know exactly what I promised. I did not allow for the devious and malicious way that you let that barrister have access to those photographs that were exhibited in court. I can't prove conclusively that you did it but if I could, you would be up on disciplinary charges, POA or no POA." "I know why you are doing this. It's Karen Betts that's gone crawling to you. She's the blue eyed girl around here. It's out and out favouritism." "You mean, as a gay man, I fancy her." Grayling kept the tone of his voice low and was all the more deadly in shutting up the tide of hysterical anger that had always wound him up. For once, he had reduced Di to silence and seized the chance to pile on the pressure. A tiny part of him noticed with satisfaction that Di had not denied the charges he had laid at her door.
"You have to accept that this decision is not up for negotiation and you will have to learn to live with it." "Aren't you even going to discussing it with me? I do feel that I am entitled to a proper explanation. You know that I had my heart set on going back to my friends on G Wing." "Friend," Grayling curtly cut in. "I have considered the good of Larkhall as a whole and it demands that you and Sylvia are split up. That's my decision and it is final." Di seethed with rage which distorted her face as the impact of the short and sharp execution hit home. It enraged her further that, unlike before, he didn't get dragged into a long explanation.
"You'll regret this. I'll find ways of making you feel sorry you ever did this along with every other hurtful, hateful thing you have ever done in your life since we were first married." "Well, we're not now so I may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. No chance of getting into your good books now. In any case, I have advised your Wing Governor of your thoroughly predictable reaction and both of us are clear that you had better watch your step. Oh, by the way, since we are divorced, you will get no special favours in terms of access to me at work so there will be none of this charging into my office as the mood takes you. You take your turn with the others in my appointment book. Now will you leave the room." He was faintly surprised when Di actually stalked out of the room, slammed the door and left. He was prepared for a long war of attrition over the matter and noted that, as with other matters, Karen was proved right.
Part Fifty Eight
"Did I really dream I'd been up before the judge and only got one year?" mumbled Lauren's voice through the scrunched up quilt, which lay over her face. Her eyes were barely open as her lids felt as if lead weights were dragging them down.
"If it was a dream, man, you got all the press and the Old Bailey to help you out," Denny's very down to earth tones greeted yet another day in Larkhall.
A few hours later, Lauren felt as if the sun shining down into the canteen area was especially sunny and everything was fresh. She was beginning to feel that this day was the first day in her new life, except it was sausage, beans and mash for the third day running and she'd left half the food as it tasted disgusting. Denny cheerfully helped herself to the leftovers being the woman who was dead skinny and could shovel food down her without thinking. She was enjoying her morning cigarette which was going to have to last till teatime and that would carry her through to the weekly spends tomorrow.
Dominic looked round the canteen area till his eyes lighted on her and he came over to speak to her.
"Miss Betts would like a word with you in her office." She stubbed out the freshly lit cigarette to save till later and followed him. He was one of her favourite prison officers, who politely asked rather than demanded in a hectoring, stentorian manner like Bodybag did. She was twice as willing to accommodate him as a result and followed his easy walk to Karen's office.
"Miss Betts, Lauren Atkins to see you." Lauren walked warily into the Wing Governor's office, born of the ingrained habits from school. She was never the best-behaved pupil and summonses to the headmaster's office were the forerunner of bad news.
A beaming smile spread all over Karen's face as she greeted her and the warmth of the woman took her back to that other person who looked like her when she used to come round to Mum's. She saw past the familiar smart suit, which were the superficial trappings of office.
"I thought I'd give you a chance to settle down after yesterday." "I've been pinching myself to persuade myself that what happened is real. I still can't believe that I'm not here for the rest of my life." "Believe me, it happened and even if I ever doubted what we've seen, I'll have it in writing soon enough. I want to congratulate you as you've held your head up high."
"I can't thank you enough for getting up there on the stand for me, and Denny and Cassie and everyone who stood by me. I owe everyone so much." "It was nothing," Karen said, self-deprecatingly. Two professions had instilled that sense of duty that would not let her seem boastful of what she felt was what must be done. "Still, if there's anything I've done which has helped, I am glad." "I wanted to talk to you about your future ….." "My future? I've got the best reason to be positive and make the most of everything but there's just one thing……." "And what's that?" "It's Miss Barker. She's not going to be very happy with me for the way the trial went, and what happens when she gets back on the wing? Also Mrs. Hollamby." "There are certain things that you have to concern yourself with about how you get on. Miss Barker's situation is my concern and you work on the basis that she is not here at the present time, and only concern yourself if and when she returns. As for Mrs. Hollamby, you leave her to me. What I want you to start thinking about, is how you get on now and the psychiatric help you will get which is built into your sentence." "I'll go along with it, though I'm feeling much better than I used to. I'm not the same woman as the Lauren Atkins who landed herself up here in the first place." "You'll do more than that, Lauren. You've got a long way to go and you'll work at it when you do see the psychiatrist. You owe it to your mother. I agree that you've come a long way. I can tell. I just don't want you to be too complacent." Karen's determined tones were softened as she carried on with the smile of recognition of the woman she had known on the outside.
"All right, Miss Betts," Lauren conceded The words of caution steadied her sudden rush of over optimism. She knew the advice was meant for her best. "Can I ask for a VO for Mum to see me." "I'll do better than that. I've got to see her and explain a few things and I'll take it to her."
Karen's smile faded after Lauren had left the room, her jaunty step expressing the mature resolve for her future plans being given a realistic slant by Karen. Her smile reflected the solid fact that she had turned the corner on the worst of her life. For Karen, no such elation was possible as she had the feeling that talking to Yvonne wasn't going to be as easy as she had made out. Her orderly mind filed that away to be taken care of by the Karen that wasn't dressed in her familiar smart suits. She turned her thoughts to a matter she had left in abeyance while the trial was on, the matter of Sylvia leaving them all in the lurch the night Buki cut up. Both as manager of the wing and as one time prison officer who had to muck in at short notice, she found it hard to forgive, far less forget. So what if giving her an almighty bollocking was right after the result of the trial? Since when had Sylvia had any regard for her feelings? A tight smile of anticipation spread across her face as she reached out for her phone.
"What can madam want now?" grumbled Bodybag. "As if I hadn't got better things to do with my time." "Then you'd better go and find out, Sylvia. Put yourself out of your misery." Gina's blunt unsympathetic tone concealed her pleasure at what she knew was to come as Bodybag went off in a huff.
"Come in, Sylvia. Shut the door behind you." Her curt tones and hard look in her eye made the memory of her 'sickie' weekend jump back into her mind. She had started to believe that there was an end to the matter after she had handed in her self certificate with 'backache', her usual alibi, and the Monday morning of screw baiting. "It's about time I had a talk with you about your sick record in general and about your so called 'backache' the weekend before last." "So called, ma'am? I was in agony all weekend and laid up and unable to move. It's not easy, a single woman on your own trying to look after yourself." "Nothing to do with your niece's wedding," Karen cut in. "That one's all round the wing." "The very idea," exploded Sylvia. She was a past master at simulating outraged indignation. "You check with my doctor as I saw him later on last week." "The same doctor you've always had all the time I've known you," Karen observed dryly.
"He's always been understanding, has Dr. Nicholson. I've had him for the last twenty years.
"Indeed. I've looked at your sick record over the past four years. It's funny that there's the same pattern. It always strikes you down on weekends that you would be on cover at Larkhall not to say Mondays and Fridays. Have you anything to say?" "I can't help it," Sniffled Sylvia in full martyr mode. "I've never been the same as… as ..the time some of the worst troublemakers pushed me down a flight of stairs and……" "…..You wore that bloody neckbrace, you said that that bloody doctor of yours said that you were at death's door so you talked me into putting you on light duties. Too bad he didn't know that you were winning dance championships," Stormed Karen.
Bodybag looked very sheepish and looked in every direction except directly at Karen. She said nothing.
"You let down your colleagues, you let down the prison service, No thanks to you, everyone else had to put themselves out and in my stint, Buki Lester cut herself and nearly died. Oh yes, you let her down also. I would be very interested in seeing another photo which gives you away again, your niece's wedding pictures……" Karen paused for a minute as her attack from an unexpected direction took the wind out of Sylvia's sails and left her floundering.
"It's not good enough, Sylvia. You can take this as a written warning to go down on your record and you can think yourself lucky that you don't lose your pips - this time. Perhaps you ought to think if you really have a future in the prison service, if you are as ill as you make out and you aren't retired on medical grounds. I'll be watching you anyway. Now get out."
It was a few days later when Karen had just about slaved her way through all the backlog of work, which had piled up in the two weeks of the trial. She had buried herself in work as her one surefire way of preparing herself for what wasn't promising to be the easiest errand. Late in the afternoon, she told Gina that she was going to take some work home. She carefully folded Lauren's 'visiting order' away, packed some of the more routine paperwork into her briefcase and, while it was still daylight, handed in her keys at the gatelodge. She set off towards the one time familiar route to Yvonne's house where a memory told her which way to go. The nearer she got, the more uncomfortable she felt. She'd phoned Yvonne first and while she was friendly enough, she realised that the reaction was skin deep, non-committal. As her car ate up the miles, fears inside her grew that she was driving backwards into her past. When she got nearer to her house, it grew on her that the slow passage of time had moved everything on around. Where once green leaves of summer covered the trees, now they were stripped bare and were fading into the gathering darkness.
Yvonne had been sitting in the deathly hush of home when the phone had rung.
"Hi, Yvonne, I was wondering if it would be convenient to pop out and see you and chat properly for a change." "I ain't exactly running a busy schedule, Karen. Give me a time and I'll be here." "I'll be over at four if that's OK." She could tell by Karen's manner that she was busy which was more than could be said for her. She had the sense not to talk bollocks about 'the old days' but that was Karen all over.
She stuck a CD on as she was waiting. She had pulled it out from the bottom of the rack, out of sight, out of mind.
"I saw you dancing out the ocean.
Running fast along the sand.
A spirit born of earth and water.
Fire flying from your hands .
In the instant that you love someone.
In the second that the hammer hits.
Reality runs up your spine.
And the pieces finally fit.
And all I ever needed was the one.
Like freedom fields where wild horses run.
When stars collide like you and I.
No shadows block the sun.
You're all I've ever needed.
Baby you're the …….." That was a bleeding mistake, Yvonne decided as she clicked off the remote control. She wasn't listening to too much music these days. Any sentimental crap made her feel jealous that they were getting what she wasn't and tears and heartbreak stuff just depressed the hell out of her.
A little later when she thought she was the invulnerable Yvonne Atkins of old, she tried to ignore that little jump in her heart inside of her when a timid knock at the door announced Karen's presence. Immediately, she saw a nervous look in her eye and she figured that Karen was as nervous as she was. It was somehow different when they were in court with the rest of the gang round them.
"Come in. It's nice to have some company, especially yours." The warmth and friendliness in Yvonne's voice was more than she felt but it eased Karen's peace of mind. Just at the right time, Trigger came bounding up to greet her, just as he had always done. "To what do I owe this visit, Karen?" "Well, partly to give you a VO so you can visit Lauren whenever you want…." "….that's nice." "….and partly because I wondered if we ought to talk about the two of us and, just, chat." Karen cursed inwardly at her own awkwardness after handing the slip of paper to Yvonne.
"There's no problem, Karen. Like I said, I know you've moved on from me. I shouldn't have expected any different.
To Karen, the rigid expression on Yvonne's face was a painfully obvious attempt to cover herself up as much as her unusually elaborate makeup did.
"You have every right to expect something better out of life than the shit you've taken over the years. I meant it when I said I'd be here for you, for always if you want it. There are some things that don't change." The determination and obvious sincerity in Karen's voice, eased Yvonne a little as she found herself making a coffee for more than one. Presently, they sipped their drinks and smoked as props to hold onto while they made strained polite conversation. Eventually, Yvonne stubbed her cigarette hard into the ashtray as words came into her mind that she had been searching for.
"Look here, Karen, I've got to get it off my chest. I'm angry deep down. I can't be angry with you as I can see it from your point of view, and I understand why you broke it off between the two of us. I can't feel angry with myself or with Lauren about what's happened as that's going to do no good. So what the hell can I do?" "You have to find something or someone to fill up your life with," Karen protested and the hollow feebleness of her words hung on the air.
Here she was, on more than nodding terms with a judge, a barrister or two and the skilled equaliser between governing governors prison officers and prisoners and she struggled for words to help Yvonne of all people. So the afternoon stretched into early evening, both women being sincere, trying their stumbling best for each other.
"Come in," Grayling greeted the polite knock on the door and Karen strode confidently in on the Friday morning. She noted that his office was much larger and more luxurious than her own.
"What can I do for you?" Karen hesitated for a second. Grayling could turn unfathomability into an art form and, in the past, she had found him slippery and treacherous. Grayling always had his own selfish agenda but that didn't mean he couldn't be bargained with.
"It's about Di Barker. I was wondering if you had any thoughts as to her future?" "You mean, am I considering moving her back to G Wing and, if so, when?" "That's about the size of it," Conceded Karen.
Grayling watched her from behind narrowed, watchful eyes and his expression was inscrutable and neutral. "I told her that she was moved off the wing and that it was for the duration of the trial for her own protection as there are plenty of prisoners who have heard her talk as if the sun shone out of Fenner's backside, more fool her." "So wouldn't it be a good idea to make the temporary move permanent if she's settled down?" "That's just the problem, she hasn't. Your opposite number has asked me at regular intervals when he can unload her back to where she came from. His words, not mine." "And you think that I'm going to welcome her back with open arms? I wanted to make my views plain that she comes back onto my wing over my dead body." "Karen," Grayling urged, a trace of panic in his voice. "You're my best wing governor and only you have the ability to manage a difficult prison officer like her and keep her within bounds. She walks over everyone else." "Now, that's the oldest trick in the book," began Karen and then she stopped. She could see Grayling start to bristle and become visibly irritated. A confrontation was in the offing and that would do nobody any good, least of all her.
"Neil, you were in court that day and you know full well that Di Barker was at the back of that horrible detestable barrister trying to smear my reputation with those photographs. We both know her well enough and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't suggest it to him in the first place. Would you like candid photos of you and your private life being exhibited for all to see, even possibly on the front page of the gutter press? Let's face it, I was bloody lucky. Before the trial, I could just about handle the devious, spiteful, manipulative cow but no way could I bring myself now to even look her in the eye without spitting in it." One look at Grayling and there was a subtle change in his manner. The anger was wiped from his face but so was every other trace of expression.
"Go on, Karen." "If you don't mind me asking, is one of the problems you have with Di Barker that she will pole in on you at the drop of the hat if something gets her back up." "There's something in that." "You have to set boundaries with Di Barker. She won't say it in so many words, but she makes you behave as if you're a quarrelling husband and wife when it suits her purpose. You have to shift the boundaries and don't give her any special favours." 'Physician, heal yourself' popped into her mind. Here she is, being fluent and expressive with words to a gay man who has been more her enemy than, at best, work colleague, never friend. When it comes closer to home, she struggled for words to speak to Yvonne who'll always have a place in her heart even if Yvonne didn't believe it. Her boundaries with Yvonne are anything but defined. With an effort, she dragged herself back to the here and now.
Grayling was listening attentively, she felt, but in his heart, he lacked conviction to act on her plain words.
"Look at it another way, Neil. Sylvia Hollamby and Di Barker are the biggest problems amongst the PO's in Larkhall. They know how to work the system but if you split them up, they might be more manageable. Leave them together and they'll feed off each other and make each other worse." "But how can I sell the idea of a permanent move? It will look as if I've pulled a fast one on her from the very start?" Karen smiled cynically. Grayling wasn't shy in the past of pulling a fast one. Nevertheless, she had to persevere.
"You'll have to bite the bullet and tell her the blunt truth, about the disgraceful way she behaved in court. It's not as if you're relying on third party evidence that she can deny. You saw for yourself what she did. You've got to seize this chance as you'll never get a better one." Karen's calm persuasive manner was not unlike the nurse/mother figure reassuring a scared parent/child. He hated to admit any vulnerability and it was that which transformed him into the actor. His lines had been written for him, be it management speak or his pretensions to strength. In reality he had pursued the genuine article in the man of his dreams. It was strange that this woman, whose blunt outspokenness which he had so long ago felt threatened by, had come to his salvation. This chance placed in his hands would suit his own purposes in finally distancing him from that dangerous woman whom he had once married in a moment of utter madness. "Let me think about it. It's simple and radical and I like the way you talk, Karen."
Karen left the room, a faint smile on her face that at least one of the knotty problems in her life was being solved. If only dealing with problems at home was as easy.
Grayling felt on top of the world after he had fixed up surprisingly easily with Di's present Wing Governor that she would become a fixture on that wing so long as he took on the job of breaking the news to Di and to tell her a few home truths. The look in Grayling's eye was enough persuasion that he meant business and not some smooth sales talk. It was surprising the way that success bred success. He was keyed up and ready for action when Di's footsteps outside heralded her arrival.
"Ah, Di. Take a seat." "It's nice to be able to talk to each other as friends even after everything that has happened between us." Why does the woman talk like someone who has escaped from a cheap romance story, he wondered?
"I wanted to see you on business, not pleasure. I'll keep it short and to the point. You are staying in your present duties, as a permanent transfer on H Wing and not moving back to G Wing." Di's expression froze and changed rapidly to one of rage and anger. "You promised, Neil, that I would only be moved temporarily until the Atkins trial was over. But then again, why should I expect any better from you?" "I know exactly what I promised. I did not allow for the devious and malicious way that you let that barrister have access to those photographs that were exhibited in court. I can't prove conclusively that you did it but if I could, you would be up on disciplinary charges, POA or no POA." "I know why you are doing this. It's Karen Betts that's gone crawling to you. She's the blue eyed girl around here. It's out and out favouritism." "You mean, as a gay man, I fancy her." Grayling kept the tone of his voice low and was all the more deadly in shutting up the tide of hysterical anger that had always wound him up. For once, he had reduced Di to silence and seized the chance to pile on the pressure. A tiny part of him noticed with satisfaction that Di had not denied the charges he had laid at her door.
"You have to accept that this decision is not up for negotiation and you will have to learn to live with it." "Aren't you even going to discussing it with me? I do feel that I am entitled to a proper explanation. You know that I had my heart set on going back to my friends on G Wing." "Friend," Grayling curtly cut in. "I have considered the good of Larkhall as a whole and it demands that you and Sylvia are split up. That's my decision and it is final." Di seethed with rage which distorted her face as the impact of the short and sharp execution hit home. It enraged her further that, unlike before, he didn't get dragged into a long explanation.
"You'll regret this. I'll find ways of making you feel sorry you ever did this along with every other hurtful, hateful thing you have ever done in your life since we were first married." "Well, we're not now so I may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. No chance of getting into your good books now. In any case, I have advised your Wing Governor of your thoroughly predictable reaction and both of us are clear that you had better watch your step. Oh, by the way, since we are divorced, you will get no special favours in terms of access to me at work so there will be none of this charging into my office as the mood takes you. You take your turn with the others in my appointment book. Now will you leave the room." He was faintly surprised when Di actually stalked out of the room, slammed the door and left. He was prepared for a long war of attrition over the matter and noted that, as with other matters, Karen was proved right.