EARLY EVENING
Jin opens the door. Lei stand there, with a little cactus in his hands. Jin gives it a curious look.
"It's a cactus." Lei say.
"Uh..."
"I can't get it off."
"Well, I..."
"Some dog-raping bastard downtown threw it at me, and I can't get it off."
Jin gasps.
"You've arrested Paul! And he'll never come out again! Finally!"
Lei frown.
"Did I just say that...?"
Jin ignores him. He's performing a happy little tap-dance.
"Paul is in jail, Paul is in jail..." he sings.
Lei stretch out his hands.
"Shut up and get this off me."
"You're unusually rude for a buddhan, you know."
"I'm not buddhan before I get off my shift. Now get the damn cactus off my hands."
Lei and Jin goes into the kitchen and sees some more people standing there. Anna, Nina, Law and Hwoarang stands there, looking slightly uncomfortable in each other's company.
"How did you guys get in?" Jin asks. Law (who was happily chewing on a big piece of cheese) shrugs.
"Backdoor." He manages to spittle.
Cut to the door. The majestic backdoor is quite mutilated, but still hanging on. Like a brave soldier, it... oh, wait, there it goes. The poor door is off its hinges. Get it? Off its hinges... well, fine, so much for trying to bring a little comedy into your sad little life.
Nina looks around.
"Say... where's Paul?"
Anna glares at her.
"Couldn't you have waited with that until you've drunk at least ten bottles of beer?"
"What? I just want to 'talk' to him."
Anna shudders.
"And you think I'm slutty..."
Law spittle something.
"What?" Nina asks him.
"If you want Paul to 'talk' to you, all you have to do is come closer than ten feet to him."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asks Ogre, who had entered through the backdoor (or at least through the back doorpost) as well. He wears a brand new loincloth. It looks goooood.
"Oh, come on Ogre, you don't know? Paul sleeps with anything that walks on two legs. And he does it when they're least expecting it too."
"Yeah." Says everyone in a very South Park-ish way.
"We've ALL been raped by Paul Phoenix." Jin says dramatically.
Most people shudder. Everyone but Law.
"Oh, come on guys, it's not that bad."
"Ew." Says Jin shortly and with lots of feeling.
"Can't we stop him then?"
"I've tried fending him off with a pointy stick, but he came into my house at night, gagged me with an apple and some duct tape and then tied me up like some damn hostage." Anna mutters. Hwoarang blinks.
"Man, why does that turn me on...?"
"I mean get him arrested." Ogre interrupts.
"Weeeell... he's not really done anything wrong." Lei guess. He really is clueless. His hands burns and stings.
"Yes he has! Rape is a crime! Send him to jail!"
"Are you insane! That's what he wants! We've sent him to prison 13 times, and he just keeps dropping the soap!"
"Eeeewww..." Jin says loudly, as if to make everyone else stop talking about Paul.
"Or, sometimes, he pushes the other men so that they drop the stupid soap."
"Eeeeewwww..." Jin says again, give up and leave the room.
"And 7 of the 13 times, he and Hwoarang shared a cell!"
"Hey, you promised..." Hwoarang tries to mumble.
"Did Hwoarang drop the soap?" Nina asks, glancing strangely at him.
"Are you kidding? From the stories I've heard, he threw soaps all over the place. Isn't that right, 'Vanilla Bitch'?"
Hwoarang bows his head in shame.
"Yes sir."
There is an uncomfortable silence after that. Law is still chewing his cheese really noisily. Nina makes a weird sound.
"This phone is all sticky..."
Anna pokes it.
"Ew, what is that? It looks like..."
"Please, Anna, no need to get into close examinations."
"But it's..."
"Anna!"
Anna and Nina glare at each other for a while. Ogre hums loudly.
"If we can't send Paul to jail, maybe we can get revenge on him some other way."
"I thought you hadn't been raped by him." Lei says, surprised. He feels all queasy when he gets the weird images of Paul and Ogre in his mind.
"I haven't, and I'd like it to stay that way."
"Good idea. Now what did you think?"
"Is there anyone but me he hasn't raped?"
"Uuuhm... the bears, Nina, Gon, Heihachi I think, Dr. Boskonovitch, Mokujin, Gun Jack, and possibly Bryan. Why?"
Ogre grins evilly.
Law stops chewing his piece of cheese and say with a slightly disgusted facial expression:
"Who the hell wants to get it on with Bryan?"
"Is there anyone of them you think he'd like to rape?" Ogre asks and tries to open a bar of chocolate, which is very complicated for him without a manual because he has guarded a temple in Mexico for a hundred years.
I mean, how is he supposed to know how to do that? It took him two years to figure out that the shiny stuff wasn't supposed to be eaten.
"Heihachi and Gun Jack, possibly. Who knows, he might have a robot fetish." Lei adds when he sees the strange looks he's given.
"What about me?" Nina asks, slightly hurt.
"No one here would like to rape you, you've kicked way too many balls for that."
"It's not my fault, it's all I can do!"
"How is he supposed to rape Gun Jack? He's got no... er... suitable place." Anna asks.
"He's got a mouth, right?" says Hwoarang.
"Shut up, Vanilla Bitch."
"That's it!" Ogre cries triumphantly, slams his fist into the table and throws away the unopened, yet massacred bar of chocolate. "We can invite Paul and Gun Jack, and give Gun Jack some kind of weird robot-reward if he bites his wiener off!"
Deep, deep silence.
"NO!" cries Nina, Law and Hwoarang suddenly.
"YES!" shouts Lei, Jin and Anna (Jin still being in another room, remember that, for 'tis important).
"Oh, I never liked you until now, Ogre." Says Anna admiringly. Ogre looks both frightened and victorious on the same time.
"Uh... thanks. I guess." Ogre responds and looks at a point behind Anna's right ear.
Lei lean out of the doorway.
"Hey Jin! Call Paul and Gun Jack, invite them over!" he shouts.
"Okay!" Jin screams back. "Hand me the phone!"
Lei reach for the phone, and sees Nina and Anna shaking their heads. He leans out again.
"You get it yourself!"
"Fine!"
Jin goes towards the phone in the living room, raises the speaker towards his ear and starts dialling a number...