By Nyassa Kaiba
Notes: I love bashing Winn, nothing says "I love you" like a well placed bash on the head. (smacks Chibi Kai Winn upside the head)
Chibi Kai Winn: OW! Watcha do that fo?
Because you're the Witch Bitch we all love to hate! Right Q?
Q: Right! Look at her, six years old again and missing her two front teeth!
Chibi Kai Winn: I can't help being small! I know, I'll get a Pah-Wraith to get you back for it! (evil laughter) And then I'll take over Bajor and live happily ever after.
Pah-Wraith: Why the Hell should we listen to a six-year-old? Bajor is ours, go plan to take over some other planet!
Q: (kills Pah-Wraith) These creatures are so troublesome.
That's okay, you're doing the Prophets a favor by killing them.
Chapter 2- FeralaeI sat there for quite awhile, looking out the window to where The Rachel floated in space. I remembered my mother's parting words, "use your heart, to unite the worlds." My mother had died in my own arms, and I, her flesh and blood, had been unable to save her. She had died, reciting the andilite ritual of death. She was a servant of the people, of all the peoples.
Picard watched me for awhile, before turning to the computer that he had in the room and going over some documents, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I could see his reflection in the glass. After awhile he said, "Feralae, would you like something?"
"Hm?" I asked, startled out of my thoughts.
"Can I get you something to eat? To drink? You were asleep through lunchtime."
"I think some peppermint tea would be alright."
Picard got up and went to the replicator. "Peppermint tea, hot." Then a moment later, "Earl gray tea, hot."
He set his own cup down by the computer and brought me mine. "Thanks." I said softly. I took an appreciative sip. I looked out the window. "I never did get over it."
"Get over what?" He asked gently.
"My mother died in the final battle with the yeerks." I said, with a small, sad smile. "She was the descendant of the famous swordsman, Musashi Miyamoto. She'd tell me stories of our ancestor's adventures. She lived the life of a warrior, she fought even to the end."
"She must have really loved you."
"I know she did." I took a deep, nervous breath. I couldn't cry in front of the captain. But my whole body must have conveyed my sorrow. "The horrible part is that she died years ago, and I still haven't been able to let her go."
"I know somebody who was like that, a commander I met, not very long ago actually. His name was Sisko."
"You met commander Sisko?" I asked, brightening.
"About a year ago." Picard replied. "He… he blamed me for his wife's death."
"The Borg incident?" I asked.
"Yes." Picard replied.
"It's too bad you can't morph then. You have no idea of the freedom, the grace and power of being an animal." My face took on the beatific glow that it did when I tried to explain the phenomenon. "I remember the first time I morphed, my mother taught me using a gorilla morph. The creature was so gentle, but I could feel the power there. I felt the strength, and it was as if nothing could stop me. And then there was the bird morphs." I smiled wider, shaking my head. "I got into the air for the first time and I let out what I call, the Missy Elliot War Cry. It was amazing."
"My mother once told me that for every talent gained, something else is taken away." Picard said slowly, as though he were thinking as he said it. "That certainly seems to be the case for you."
I nodded. "Yeah, the Yeerks took my parents. I was a refugee, but I managed to make a place for myself in an abandoned cabin near the Hork Bajir valley. We fixed it up and for two and a half years it was home. Sometimes, between the end of the war and life in the stars, I sometimes wished that I could go back to that cabin. I know it sounds stupid though, I mean, I have to keep going forward." I sighed.
My thoughts were confused. I didn't have my laptop, so I couldn't work on my journal. I had kept a log during the voyage, and I had transmitted it all to the military back home, so that the truth about us, about what happened to us, could be known. Everybody thought that we had disappeared without a trace. And now, we really had disappeared.
The silence stretched. Picard worked. I sipped the tea. I had made my own peppermint tea back home, steeping the leaves in a tea-jar with a strainer. I remembered the sun tea that I had made. Memories of home came to mind, unbid. I will not cry in front of the captain! I thought. I will not cry in front of the captain.
"So what's the mission this time?" I asked, curious.
"We're to rendezvous with the Defiant for diplomatic talks, and dock at Deep Space Nine. We'll be staying for a little while, while Ambassador Spock conducts the diplomatic talks, and then take him back to Vulcan."
"Something to do with Bajor?"
"You're sharp, yes, there's a system midway between the Cardassian and Bajoran systems. It has two M-class planets and three M-class moons."
"That means that they can be settled right?" I asked, taking a long sip of tea.
"That's right. And that's why the two of them want that system. It would be both a colony and a military base." Picard replied.
"Why not make it a neutral system?" I suggested.
"That's been suggested, and both governments refused. The Bajorans won't back down because that would show weakness on their part. The Cardassians won't back down because they hate the Bajorans." Picard explained.
I rolled my eyes. "Sounds like the Bloods and the Cryps."
"I beg your pardon?"
"In twentieth century Earth there were two famous feuding gangs, the Bloods and the Southside Cryps." I sighed. "It was stupid too, because they were the death of I don't know how many innocents, the corruption of others. Every time I heard about them on the news I was absolutely disgusted."
"The gangs of twentieth century earth may indeed be an appropriate analogy." Picard agreed. "You're quite intelligent."
"Comes from being a mad artist, shut up in a cabin for two years, with nothing to do but read and fight." I chuckled. "I had to do other things to survive. And I did manage to get out every so often, but most of the time it was just me, my work, and my thoughts." I smiled into the cup. "I threw myself into my art headlong."
"Sounds lonely."
"Not really, I had Tobias dropping in to keep me company. Ax came in sometimes too. Alloran and David lived with me as well. David's a nothlit, stuck in rat morph as punishment for trying to kill us. We put him in a morph where he could do no more harm. Then later on we were joined by Estrid, Ezimili, Gafinilon and Mertil. A Ketran named Azouie joined us as well. Other than that, I was cut off from the outside." I chuckled. "Tobias used to threaten to eat David if he caused any trouble."
Picard rolled his eyes. "I find it very interesting that you managed to take care of yourself when you were, how old?"
"Thirteen. I was the baby Animorph. The others used to go out of their way to protect me, they still do. I was fifteen when the war ended. The final danger, Visser One, was the only time that I had to face the danger alone. I went into the lion's den a child, and came out a woman. Now I'm stuck as a baby again." I set down the cup and stood, looking out the window. "It's amazing, this is probably what we'll be like, back in our own dimension, in a few hundred years. And I get to see what's like… like our future. You know, I see some of the others in your crew. Cassie and Deanna for example. Both very compassionate, sympathetic, they both have a firm grasp of people. Erika and Guinan are almost two cuts from the same mold. And Ax and Tobias have both had to search for what it means to be human, several times, so they might even be able to help Data a little."
Picard smiled, that's what I liked about him, I realized, he was always willing to listen to others, especially if you're down and out. He turned back to his work, and the room became silent again. I sighed, looking out at the window.
The words of Gene Roddenbury came to mind, "Beyond the rim of the Starlight, my love is wandering in starflight, I know he'll find in the star clustered reaches, love, strange love, a star woman teaches, I know his journey ends never, his Star Trek will go on forever, but tell him that while he sails his starry sea, remember, remember me." Picard looked up from his work again. "Remember I mentioned the Federation being a myth back home? Well the person we credit with bringing it to us was named Gene Roddenbury. He wrote that poem about it so that he wouldn't have to pay royalties for a composer." I chuckled. "But Gods how accurate it is."
"There's a data pad on the other end of the table. If you like you may use it to find something to read." Picard suggested.
"Thanks." I picked up the pad and began to decipher how to use it. This would help. I didn't want to tell the captain the circumstances of my mother's death, and if I didn't find something to do soon I might. I didn't want the captain's pity. I had had enough of that from my friends. I wanted to show the others that I could stand strong, on my own, without going insane from grief. Of course, I really was the mad artist. I mean, come on, I'm Bipolar, and not even my friends knew about it.
As I went through the history files on the data pad, I looked for one point, First Contact. I figured that was as good as ever a place to start. Cochrane was actually a fascinating figure, as I read. I remembered the movie First Contact, and the novel. Had they really gotten rid of my disorder? Would they be able to do anything about it if it reared it's Janus Faced head?
As I continued on through the beginnings of the Federation, I read what I had been missing. I had just gotten through the era of the first Enterprise when Picard finished his work. "Are you ready to go?"
I stood, marking my place and closing down the data pad, albeit clumsily. "Yes." I followed him to the lift. Riker was giving Rachel computer lessons on a minor pad, while keeping a careful watch on the others on the bridge. But it was clearly evening, one of the ensigns yawned. The activity I had seen when we'd walked onto the bridge earlier was winding down. The night watch came out of the lift to relieve Riker and he and Rachel joined us in the turbo.
As the lift descended to the Quarter's level I felt Cassie trying to make telepathic contact. Cassie and I had a link. We're lovers, and for some reason, after we had paired off, our minds had linked together. Now we could communicate in telepathy anywhere. But when we'd first woken up, I had sensed the link beginning to fade. It was probably the work of whoever had brought us here, or maybe it was a side effect of the crossing.
Cassie-koi, something wrong?
Just wanted to make sure you were alright. You seemed sort of quiet before.
I had had the strangest dream when we were still unconscious. I replied. I was trying to make sense of it.
About your mother?
Yes, or, or some creature who pretended to be her. Creatures actually, they seemed to have taken the form of my mother and all the Alien friends that I had made during the war. Alloran, Alda and Bara, Azouie, Erek, they were all there, in my cabin, one or two for each species. I gave a mental sigh. I was, scary actually. And then, they began to disappear one by one. The one that had taken the form of my mother was the last to leave. I turned to her and said, 'You aren't my mother are you?' She said, just before she disappeared, 'She never left.'
Chilling. Cassie stated.
But I can't help but feel that it's important somehow. I told her. No matter how hard I try, I can't make sense of it.
Don't worry about it, these things usually sort themselves out with a little time. Cassie assured me.
Do we HAVE enough time? I asked.
As far as I'm concerned I think we have all the time in the Worlds. Cassie replied. Whoops! Can't double talk, gotta go. I had the mental image of Deanna fussing over Cassie like a mother hen. Cassie and I had been linked since the first time we'd had sex together. I was too embarrassed to ask Alloran why that had happened, I guess it had something to do with my Andilite Heritage. But since telepathy didn't come naturally to her, Cassie couldn't do it as well as I could.
If I had been my TRUE age I would have been able to look down at Picard. Although, I had had problems with looking down at authority figures before, it was embarrassing. I remember one year at summercamp after the war, I was a CIT and the councilor I was assigned to was shorter than I was by at least eight inches.
The lift door opened. Picard and Riker bid each other good night and I followed the Captain to his quarters. Picard dug through his closet and pulled out a deflated airbed and a spare set of blankets, pillows and sheets. "I'll take care of it Captain." I said as I pushed the button to inflate the mattress. It was one of those automatic mattresses that inflated on its own. Picard went into the bathroom to change into pajamas and I made the bed.
In short order the two of us were changed into nightclothes and I slipped onto the comfy air bed. I was at the other end of the room, partially behind a shelf. So I pulled out my Discman and put on the Indigo Girls before snuggling under the covers. I listened, as far as I could tell the Captain was asleep.
Cassie? I called gently.
Hmm Feralae?
Good night Koibito, I love you.
I love you too Feralae, goodnight.
I listened softly to the words of the Indigo Girls. Then you had to bring up reincarnation, over a couple of beers the other night, and now I'm serving time made for mistakes, by another in another lifetime. How long till my soul gets it right, can any human being ever reach that highest light, call on the rested soul of Galileo, king of night vision, king on insight.
Oh how I wished for insight of my own. But insight would have to wait. The next few weeks would probably be action, action, action.
I don't know when I fell asleep, but I dreamed. Here it was again, the memory.
&&&Flashback&&&
I was tied to a pole above the yeerk pool, on the pool ship. It was the impenetrable Yeerk Stronghold. We had lifted off into the air. As far as I knew James and his people, his dedicated, caring auxiliary Animorphs were dead. My friends might be dead as well. The idea had been to use me as a Trojan Horse to get into the Yeerk Pool Ship.
Then I saw her, Visser 1, formerly Visser 3. I had freed Alloran from her clutches long ago. In his anger, the Visser had taken my mother, who was morph capable and armed with morphs of the most powerful animals on Earth. She was wearing a Kimono, with a Katana sword belted at her side. "Well well well, the Dragon of the Animorphs has been defeated? I would have expected you to put up more of a fight."
"You will die Yeerk, and then my mother will be free. We will kill you."
"Here's your chance." She untied me and offered me a long, thin, wrapped bundle. I knew what was in there. "Take it Animorph, or are you so lost to honor that you would let yourself die rather than fight for your world."
"You must be joking. Yeerk, I will not kill my mother, not while you're in her head. It isn't her fault."
"Do it Animorph." The Visser punched me in the chest. I doubled over, wheezing.
That was that, I grabbed the sword, unwrapped it, and unsheathed it. The whole pool was silent. They watched while we prepared for battle. I unsheathed the sword, dropping the sheath on the ground. It was my sword of course, they had taken it from me when they'd captured me. Cassie! I had cried.
Feralae what's wrong?
Visser One, she's trying to make me fight her in a sword duel!
Better than morphing a monster and eating you. She pointed out.
"Before we begin, little girl, look up." The Visser pointed upward. I saw several dracon cannons aimed at me. "See those? They're programmed to follow our movements. If you try to morph, they'll fire and kill you." I nodded. Clearly the Visser didn't want anybody interfering. "Now arm yourself! And prepare to die!" The Visser lunged forward. I barely blocked in time. I parried, disengaging and turning her assault back on her.
The battle continued, all I heard were silent grunts. The hosts in the cages didn't dare speak, for fear that they would break my concentration. But clearly I had the Visser on the run. The battle lasted for an hour. I was still going strong. But the Visser was weakening. She had normal human reaction times. I had the grace and power of an andilite warrior. I had andilite reaction times. I parried and thrust and ducked and dodged and lunged and beat and disengaged until we'd come full circle around the pool, back to where we'd started. The Visser was weak by now, panting. Then suddenly…
The Visser doubled over… "NO! NO NO NO! Foul woman! Let me go!" The Visser fell to her knees. Then my mother, my helpless mother, took control of her mouth. "Feralae! Kill me!"
"NO! MOTHER I WON'T!"
"Do it now while I hold her for you! You have to!" Mom replied.
"But…"
"Feralae, recite the ritual with me…" Mother begged, taking the tip of my sword, arms trembling, she aimed it at her heart. "I am the servant of the people…"
"I am the servant of the people."
"I am the servant of my prince." She was trembling with the effort, but her control held strong. The yeerks at the pool crowded around us, wide eyed at the spectacle of a woman who could fight the Visser for so long without losing her grip.
"I am the servant of my prince."
"I am the servant of honor." I trembled, knowing what she would argue, what she would say.
"I am the servant of honor." I held strong, knowing now what she would do, able to do nothing to stop it. If either of us morphed, we were dead. Neither of us could heal ourselves if we were hurt.
"My life is not my own, when the people… when the people have need of it." Mother staggered, and I knew her control was wavering.
"My life is not my own when the people have need of it."
"My life is given, for my people, for my prince, and for my ho-nor." At that last word, mother shoved herself onto my sword, piercing through the heart. She had minutes to live, and there was nothing we could do.
The Yeerk that was Visser One attempted to leave my mother, attempted to escape into the Yeerk pool. I pulled the sword from my mother's chest. In a roar of rage and hatred I stabbed the yeerk slug, cutting it in half, literally.
I let the sword stand, quivering where it stuck out of the deck. I pulled my mother into my arms. "Mother, mother talk to me! Mother!"
"Feralae…" Mother said softly. "I… I'm free… and you must… must listen to me before I die."
"Anything mother! Anything at all!" I cried. Tears wouldn't stop falling.
"You have a heart big enough to love the galaxy… Never lose sight of that love… Show compassion for …them… forgive them... They were doing what their… society told them to do… It's not their fault… Promise me Feralae… dear daughter… promise me that you will unite the worlds… bring them all together in peace and harmony… I am sorry, sorry that I couldn't watch you grow… I want you to… to know how much I love you…"
"I promise mother… I promise and I love you too…" Her eyes began to fade. "Mother… mother don't go! Don't leave me! Mother!" I felt with my mind, felt her heart stop, unable to keep her alive. I felt her stop breathing in my arms. I felt her mind slowly, agonizingly, fade out. And I screamed, screamed in anguish and pain. It was too much! Just too much!
&&&END FLASHBACK&&&
"MOTHER!" I sat up straight in bed. I remembered the day before, the night before. The Enterprise, Deanna's idea, the captain. Silently, I looked over and saw him roll over in his sleep in the main room. Good, I hadn't woken Picard up. The airmattress that he'd laid out for me hadn't lost air. It felt a little kooshier. But other than that nothing had happened while I was asleep.
Gods, this was going to be torture, living out my mother's sacrifice again. I lay back down and trembled.