Hogswatchday with Cecil
I have consolidated my position and am back with better guns, and Prussian mercenaries to put down those blasted colonists once and for all!
Or, in the common tongue, hello again!
Thank you to Laburnum Steelfang! You shall get a medal for your kind review!
But as for your double-entendre, I did see it but couldn't work out a way to work it in without being too crude.
To all you people who read my fic and didn't review… you made me very sad…
But anyway, some outside presence told me to write this next chapter. It's no longer a 1-shotter, but hell, who cares?
Happy Hogswatch!
Disclaimer: I do not own Discworld on any of the characters thereon.
Allo'
'M Nobby, but you already know that! I tole ya the uvver day! S'nice to see ya back! Makes you feel appreciated! But I'm 'ere now to tell ya 'bout my Hogswatchday.
'S a special day, Hogswatch. The Hogfather's s'posed ta come round yer house at night an' put sausages an' meat an' stuff under yer bed, if yer good, and a bag a' bloody bones if yer bad. Always thought that was mucky, meself. Don't like people comin' inta my bedroom at night. Anyway, I don't b'leive in the Hogfather.
I din't 'ere no sleigh bells or gruntin' on Hogswatcheve, even though I lay awake all night. Well, I say lay awake, wot I mean is, I knowed how I'd got inta my room when I woke up in the mornin'.
I don't b'leive in the Hogfather! Honest! I was just feelin' under me bed for that perfume bottle I got in Klatch! Y'know, the one I lost the other day? But, I found a bag under the bed. No, I wasn't excited, I remembered that I'd left the perfume in a burlap sack… with blood oozing out the bottom… so I thought, right, I can use this perfume ta freshen up the privy, yeah, so I chucked the whole bag inta it. Um. I was runnin' out…
Well, I don't see why everyone gets so worked up 'bout Hogswatch. When I came down the stairs inta the watch 'ouse, the stairs were covered by paper sausages an' cards an' stuff! I just don't get why! I ended up fallin' down the stairs, right, when there was some strung across the staircase at ankle height! 'S dangerous, that. I s'pose I din't get that 'urt. I mean, I won't use me left arm fer a bit…
Down in the watch 'ouse everyone was celabratin'. When I arrived someone shoved me over, onto me arm, you wouldn't b'leive 'ow much it 'urts! Someone chucked a sausage at me, missed, an' then I was sucked into the crowd field.1 Eventually I managed ta forge me way out an' I found a bench. An' there was Fred Colon.
"'Ello Nobby! Happy Hogswatch!"
"'Allo Fred… didja get my present?"
"Nobby, you ask me that question every year, and you have never once bought me a present." said Fred, his response every year.
"Not a sausage, eh?" I said.
"Shaddup. Ole Stoneface should be in later. Could be 'he's givin' out invitations to a big do up at the Ramkins'." The Vimes's, now, I added mentally.
"You didn't just guess that, did you Fred?"
"We-ell… I have my sources, Nobby…" Sam Vimes, I added mentally. 'E tells you because 'e knows you'll spread it about. 'E knows you'll say Ramkins'.
Suddenly, there was a hush. Ev'ryone looked at the door. Ev'ryone stood up. Now, I'm not a proud man, an' I know I'm short. 'S all right for Fred, he's normal-sized, but me… other humans block my line of sight is all I'm sayin'… so do dwarves… anyway, I was cranin' my neck ta see wot ev'ryone was lookin' at. People were laughin' now. Loads of 'em. The whole room, in fact, was splittin' their sides. A couple 'a people collapsed in front 'a me an' I got a good look at wot was makin' em laugh.
Ole Stoneface Vimes was dressed up in a red and white Hogfather suit, and carryin' a sack over 'is shoulder. 'E looked as pissed off as hell. I fink I lasted about 3 seconds before I went with the flow.
About an hour later, and people 'ad started getting up. They were mostly still laughin' though. Carrot, who reckons the sun shines out 'a Ole Vimes's arse, was lookin extremely reproachful at everyone else, an' by some incredible force of will, Fred, too, was keepin' 'is face straight. I over'eard their conversation.
"Ye gods, Sam, look at you! The Missus get you to do it?" That was Fred.
"Unfortunately, yes, Fred. I tried to stop Her, but Sybil always seems to find some way that makes me do these things…" That was Vimes.
"Mrs. Colon got me into one 'a those things once. Know how you feel, mate, know how you feel."
Ole Vimes trudged off to a desk then, an' put down 'is sack.
"Ho bloody ho ho. I've got invitations and presents here, so shut up, and come an' get 'em!"
I walked over to Fred, nearly trippin' over a couple 'a hysterical dwarves as I went, an asked 'im. I 'ad to.
"Fred… you didn't really… get dressed up in one 'a those suits… did ya?"
"Look, Nobby, it was for the grandchildren, alright! Anyway, Vimes thinks he's got it bad, I had to wear sodding plastic tusks! He got off lightly…"
"Plastic tusks! The whole hog, then!" I said. Fred looked like 'e wanted to kill me.
"No, no one is sitting on my knee!" Ole Stoneface 'ad been givin' out presents fer aroun' 15 minutes an' Carrot 'ad suggested that 'e play the part a bit more.
"But sir, it would enhance the image of the Hogfather. He's a very famous man!" that was Carrot.
"Carrot, most of these watchmen are grown men! And dwarves! And trolls! And… others! And I look like an idiot anyway!"
There was an outburst of giggling from behind me (inna queue, ya understand) an' I turned roun', an there was sarge Angua an' corp Littebottom fallin' over each uvver with… well, gigglin'. Women always seem ta do this whenever blokes are dressed up funny an' stuff.2 'S weird, innit?
Anyway, the queue finally got around to me, and I was lookin' forward ta getting' sumfing special. I mean, so far, Carrot 'ad got a big steak, an' Angua 'ad got a soy thing (her bein' a vegetarian an' that) an' Fred 'ad got a big ham. There must've been an 'ole pig there! But, I stepped up, an' Vimes gimme a long, thin, present. I felt it, an it was quite hard. So, I ripped off the paper, an' it was a bone. A long, thin bone. With marrow in it. I mean, I could see what was in it 'cos of it bein' open at either end.
I looked up at Vimes, an' he looked a bit concerned and whispered,
"Always does to keep up appearances, Nobby"
I din't quite understand wot 'e meant by that, but I 'eard some mutterin's of 'werewolf' an' as soon as I turned round, I saw them 'ide bits of silver stuff be'ind their backs. I thought how mean it is, people bein' so paranoid 'bout poor Angua.
From there, the day went from bad ta worse. Throughout the watch 'ouse, people was shovin' me out the way, an' tryin' ta see Ole Vimes in 'is costume, an' introducin' 'emseves ta Captain Carrot, an' Fred Colon, ('e is the most senior member of the watch, after all, hur hur, specially as e's got grandchildren now) but no one wanted ta talk ta me… They didn't notice the Corporal's stripes or nuffin… I mean I know me tunic's dirty, but ya can still make 'em out if ya look real 'ard… anyway, I don't think a single person looked at me the entire day…
I ended up sittin' inna corner doin' nuffin, though I tried ta talk ta Fred a couple 'a times, but he just got sucked back inta the crowd. I'm fairly cert'an that 'e wanted ta talk, though.
Around 4 o'clock, a big, big crate arrived outside the watch 'ouse. After Detritus 'an Dorfl 'ad lugged it in, we all clustered roun' the note pinned to it.
To dearest Delphine
No hard feelings.
From
Your loving family
"It's for you, Angua." Said Carrot. Angua was handed a crowbar an' she broke open the crate, an' we all looked in.
Some people screamed. Others were sick.
It was a whole dead horse. Not skinned or nuffin'. It 'ad its side ripped open an' some of the organs was showin'. The atmosphere cooled right down, but Angua only 'esitated fer a moment, an' then she said;
"My… family are from the… country. They're a little backward"
The crowd dispersed. 'Course, if someone's from the country, they can't be that clever. They're alright in their way, but not as smart as us city folk…
As I walked back through the crowd, everyone ignorin' me, I heard sumfing Angua was mutterin' under 'er breath.
'The bastards! The bastards!'
'It's all right, they probably meant it as a joke…' that was Carrot.
'Oh yeah, because sending a disembowelled horse to me, when they know I'm a vegetarian, that's funny!'
Family troubles there, I thought. Better get out ASAP. So… I went back to me corner.
It was around evenin', when watchmen started leavin' the 'ouse ta go ta the Ramkins'. The big do was startin', an' despite the fact that no one was even lookin' at me, I went, ta see wot was 'appenin.
So, I was walkin' up the path, an' I seed a big queue ta get in. I suddenly realised that I didn't 'ave an invitation! Vimes give me a bone, but I din't get no invite! No, I've jus' got sumfing in me eye… well; I went up ta the back of the queue, an' waited, nonetheless.
Eventually, I got up ta Vimes's butler, Woolskins or sumfing, an' said;
"Allo, mate, I ain't got no invite, but I'm a friend've Mister Vimes!"
The bloke looked at me with the expression that all Nobs have when they see a Nobbs.
"I am very sorry sir" 'e wasn't. "But I am afraid that without an invitation you cannot enter the house. I do understand your predicament" 'e didn't. "However, I can scarcely imagine His Grace would associate with someone as… ordinary as you." That bit was true at least. Who'd want ta 'associate' wiv a Nobbs? Not His Grace Commander Sir Samuel Vimes, that's fer sure, huh, well I'm never goin' ta 'associate' wiv him again, that's fer sure…
As I was walkin' away from the 'ouse, it began ta rain. It would. It would. It always does.
I hung around outside the gate fer aroun' 3 hours. At least, it was 3 hours when me watch stopped. The rain got heavier an' heavier. I tried ta get back ta the watch 'ouse, but I couldn't find me way in the drivin' rain, an' I got lost. I 'adn't 'ad anyfing ta eat all day, an' I'd been lookin' forward ta a big slap-up meal. I was hungry, an' wet, an' cold. I managed, somehow, to slip up an' twist me ankle in a mud puddle. What a rotten Hogswatch.
I lay in the puddle an' I couldn't 'ave got up even if I'd wanted to. I tried ta light one 'a me dog-ends but the matches were soaked.
Hungry, an' wet, an' cold.
Hungry, an' wet, an' cold.
Hungry, an' wet, an' cold.
Hungry, an' wet, an' cold.
Hungry, an' wet, an'…
"Nobby?"
"F-Fred?"
"What the 'ell are you doin' 'ere, Nobby? You should 'a bin at the Party!"
"Din't get l-let in, Fred… got lost… twisted me ankle…"
"You… you'd better come 'ome wiv me, Nobby."
I don't rightly remember the journey back ta Fred's. I remember Fred half pushin', half draggin' me back through the streets of Ankh-Morpork, an' a door made 'a light an' warmth, an a blanket draped roun' me an' a bowl 'a hot water wiv me feet in it an'…
"Nobby, there's some cocoa here for you" That was Fred's voice.
"Nobby, we've got some ham sandwiches for you here" That was…
"M-Mrs. Fred?"
I'd never seen Mrs. Fred before. She was a large, smilin' woman, who obviously enjoyed life, with 'er 'ands on Fred's shoulders, an' Fred, also smilin', 'ad a cup 'a steamin' cocoa in his 'and.
"Mrs. Colon stayed up late an' cooked somethin' up, when she found out you was stayin' the night, Nobby," said Fred.
"'M stayin' for the night?"
"Well, in your state, yer hardly fit to go back to the watch 'ouse, are ya?"
So, we sat down at Fred's kitchen table, an' 'ad ham sandwiches, an' sausages.
"Fred, whaddaya mean I should 'a bin at the party? I wasn't even given an invitation"
"Weren't you given an invite? Vimes said 'e didn't think 'e had one for you with 'im…"
"Vimes said? But… 'is butler wouldn't let me in!"
"Yeah, 'e said 'e thought 'e dropped somethin' on the way out… 'e was really worried…"
"Oh… ok"
Mrs. Colon brought out the 'am sandwiches, an' some beer, an' we sat down an' ate. Fred talked about 'ow the Vimeses 'ad a whole roast hog, their wine was great, but how nice it was to sit down an' 'ave a nice fam'ly meal, of course dear, an' then 'e turned to me an' said of course I was fam'ly. That brought a tear to me eye, that did.
"Happy Hogswatch, Nobby"
"Happy Hogswatch, Nobby"
"Blind Io bless us, ev'ry one"
1This phenomenon is generated by any large body of people and becomes more powerful the more people there are. Any living being entering the crowd field must quickly become the loudest and most talkative person in the group or submit to at least ten minutes of confused pushing, jostling, light drinking, and unwanted introductions.
2This is true.
Well, that's the last you'll hear of Nobby for a while…
I really am going to start work on my saga of Fred Colon pretty soon…
But anyhoo, please R&R and we will take back the colonies!