A/N : Thanx for the latest reviews - Mr Lennox I pressume, midnight55, Elizance, lilmisscookiemonster, gypsy-jin, Valerie, Tiffany, msberry, evilsmiley1, darkmistress013. I'm glad you all like the story, and I'm glad no-one is confused by all the flashbacks or anything. Yes, Spikey did a bad thing, but I have an inability to write anything other than Spuffy it seems, so you know it's going to end all happy ever after...trouble is, we are so far from the end it's unreal! ;-) Hope you like this new chapter!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 7

Buffy lay in bed, alone and unable to entertain the idea of sleep. She had watched the figures on the bedside clock click over from one o'clock, to two and three, and so on. It was now almost seven and still she had not closed her eyes for more than ten minutes at a time. She kept seeing William in her minds eye, both the way he used to be and the way he was now with his new persona, Spike. With little concentration required she could hear his voice, feel him close to her, his lips on hers. She screwed her eyes tight shut and tried to push it all away, tried to concentrate on Riley and how wonderful he was, but he hadn't exactly been looking appealing when she'd seen him a few hours ago.

When she'd run up to her apartment, trying all the way to stem the flow of tears from her eyes, she'd been thinking it'd all be okay as soon as she saw her fiancé. Inside her home she'd found five men in various positions spread across her living room all seemingly drunk and asleep.

It wasn't really a surprise to Buffy that her man and his friends had already been beaten by the alcohol, they were not quite as young as they once were and were much more used to a glass of wine with a deal-closing business mans meal than copious amounts of cheap beer.

Stepping carefully around Xander and Wesley who were lying in different directions across the floor, and sneaking past Gunn and Angel in the two armchairs, Buffy then saw her own fiancé. Riley was stretched out across the couch, his face squashed into a cushion and one arm hanging over the side with a beer bottle carefully balanced by his hand, half it's contents seemed to already be soaking into the carpet.

With a tired sigh and a slightly disgusted look, Buffy had headed for the bedroom, deciding to leave the guys where they were until morning. She couldn't face dealing with a drunken Riley and his friends tonight, too much was going on in her head.

Now, here she was, hours later and still no closer to understanding how her life had got so complicated in so short a space of time. She loved Riley, she planned to marry him and the date was set for six days time, but now here was William. She'd loved him too and had her heart set on being his wife. All the arrangements had been made, they'd truly loved each other and proved it in more than one way, including the physical act, and yet it had all gone so horribly wrong. Still, now he was back, looking even more gorgeous if it were possible, saying such sweet words to her, and making her feel all kinds of things when he kissed her...

A thumping sound from the next room broke her train of thought and Buffy decided now was as good a time as any to get up. She dragged herself out of bed, quickly pulled on some clothes and headed out into the living room to investigate the noise. Riley was now sitting on the floor by the sofa rubbing the back of his head with his hand. It seemed as though he'd fallen from his sleeping place, making enough noise to wake up his friends who all lazily turned to look when Buffy appeared in the doorway.

"You guys look awful" she announced without much emotion and Angel smiled.

"If I look as bad as I feel then you might be right" he agreed, trying to stretch out the muscles in his body that had been cramped up in an armchair all night, without disturbing his aching head too much.

"Hey sweetheart" Riley greeted his fiancée as he tried to figure out if standing up would be a good plan or not, "When did you get home?"

"Early this morning" she told him, moving to collect the beer bottles and pizza boxes from the coffee table and floor. She knew talking about last night would lead to having to mention William and she just didn't want to get into it right now.

"Y'know you guys might wanna think about heading home" she told them, "I don't mean to be pushy but you can't stay here all day and certain people" she looked pointedly at Xander, "have girlfriends that'll be worried if you don't make a move soon" she smiled at his dazed expression as he tried to take in her words.

"Oh yeah" he said eventually, "Willow'll be all panicky if I don't get back soon" he realised.

"And the rest of you all have homes to go to, right?" she tapped her foot as the men all managed to stir themselves and achieve the minimum of a sitting position. Rolling her eyes, Buffy took the garbage to the kitchen and stuffed it all into plastic bags. Although Willow would worry a little about Xander being out all night, it was unlikely Darla would be fretting about Angel yet, given that she'd probably gotten more drunk last night than he had!

"I feel like I ate sandpaper last night" Riley declared as he entered the kitchen and came to stand behind his future-wife, wrapping his arms around her waist as she washed her hands at the sink.

"That's what happens when you get drunk" she smiled as he snuggled up to her back, until her mind suddenly started comparing his embrace to anothers...

"Riley would you let go, I have stuff to do" she said, wriggling free and moving across the kitchen just to get away. He frowned slightly, but said nothing. She probably wasn't too happy at having to clean up the mess him and the guys had made last night. Probably best to leave her be for now.

"I'll get the guys up and out" he told her, heading back for the living room, "then I might go for a run, try to clear my head"

"Okay" Buffy answered absently as she wiped down the worktop that was already clean.

Ten minutes later she heard the front door open and close and guessed that they'd all gone. She was alone in the apartment and with no people or sounds to distract her, her mind went racing back to that familiar topic of William and his return. Hoping that concentrating on the task at hand would help, Buffy threw herself into the cleaning and tidying required after Riley's bachelor party.

- - - - - - -

An hour later the living room was practically back to how it usually looked, except for something black sticking out of the armchair. It seemed that Wesley had left his wallet behind, presumably it had fallen out of his pocket at some point in the evening. Buffy was just thinking 'he'll probably realise as soon as he get half way home and come back for it' when there was a knock at the door.

"Talk of the devil..." she said to herself as she made for the door with a smile on her face. Her expression changed completely when she saw not her fiancés friend but her own ex.

"William" she sighed, "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked tiredly, pushing her hair back from her face.

"Buffy, I think we need to talk" he said as carefully as he could. He was perfectly ready for her to slam the door in his face at any moment, but he was pleased when she did not.

"I thought we said everything last night" she reminded him, "We were together, now we're not" she recapped "You're sorry if you hurt me, I couldn't give a damn anymore. What else is there to say?"

"A bloody lot!" he told her, a little anger edging its way into his voice. He managed to force it away and speak calmly again when he continued, "Buffy, we're not kids anymore. We're both adults and I think we should be able to sit down and talk sensibly about things" he told her, titling his head and trying to judge her own feelings from the unreadable look on her face, "You were more than my girlfriend, Buffy, you were my best friend, and I just don't want us to be enemies because I did a stupid thing years ago"

"We were never enemies" she said quietly, "We never could be, but you hurt me Will, and I can't just forget that" she told him with a slight tremble in her voice.

"I know" he nodded, "I just want us to talk, maybe find a way to be friends again, at least" he pressed, knowing in the back of his mind and more specifically in his heart that friends would never be enough. He wanted her back and he was going to have to fight like hell if he was ever going to succeed in getting her, but there was simply no way he could lose her again.

"Come in" she said finally, moving aside from the door to let him through. He smiled slightly at her and more widely to himself as he went into the living room and accepted her invitation to sit down. She joined him on the sofa, though she deliberately put a good couple of feet between them. It wasn't that she didn't trust him not to try anything, but to a certain degree she didn't trust herself. He was her first love, the first man she'd seriously kissed, and the first she'd ever slept with. Despite the fact she was now in love with Riley and set to marry him, those feelings she had for William could never truly leave her.

"So, er, who taught you the self defence stuff?" Spike asked awkwardly, not really knowing where else to begin. Buffy made a face that said she didn't understand until he lifted his chin and showed her the developing bruise she had caused when she hit him.

"Did I do that?" she gasped and he nodded that she had. She quickly removed the look of concern from her face, "Well, it's not as if you didn't deserve it" she said huffily. He didn't answer.

"It was Darla's idea that we all learn to defend ourselves, too many weirdoes around these days. She actually met her fiancé at our class, he was the teacher there" she rambled slightly, desperate to keep talking about anything else so the actual point of the two of them sitting here together was never reached. Unfortunately she was running out of things to say, and William's blue eyes boring into her in that intense way was not helping at all.

"You know Buffy" he said, finally looking away and down at his hands, "I really wish I'd've told you the truth sooner, the last thing in the world I ever wanted was to hurt you...you meant the world to me" he said sincerely, eyes coming back up to meet hers for the last part. He was smiling slightly at the pleasant memory of being in love and being loved by her and Buffy couldn't help the similar expression forming on her own face. They had been so happy together and she really thought they were for life, but he'd left her, and in the worst possible way. It hurt so much, how could she ever forgive him for that?

"It's too late for apologies and what-ifs William" she told him sadly, "I've moved on and it seems you have too. No use digging over the past again. Memories are all very nice but, too many bring pain to balance out those that bring happiness" she said, her voice disappearing towards the end. Spike guessed, and was right, that she was no longer just referring to them and their relationship, but also to another who meant so much to her and had been forced to leave.

"I heard about your Mum" he said quietly, not daring to look at her, "Joyce was a nice lady and I liked her a lot" he said honestly, "I was sorry to hear about what happened"

A lump formed in Buffy's throat preventing her from answering at all. It was over a year ago now since her mother's death and still the very thought of it made her feel terribly upset as well as alone.

Flashback

"I can't believe this is happening" Buffy sobbed, not knowing where to turn next. Riley wrapped his arms around her, whispering words of comfort as he rubbed her back soothingly.

"I know it's hard, baby" he said gently, "but we're all here for you. Me and Willow and Xander, we're going to help you through this"

It was just nine months since they'd starting dating, but already Buffy depended so much on Riley, especially now on the day of her mother's funeral.

"Why did it have to be her?" the young blonde sniffed against her boyfriends shoulder, "She was too young, and I loved her so much" she couldn't say anymore as tears overtook her again and Riley held her close.

"I don't know why, honey" he told her, not really knowing what to say, "All I know is that she's in a better place now, however hard it is to accept. She'll have gone to a good place, where there's no more pain"

It helped a little to hear his comforting words, but it didn't change the fact that Buffy had to live without one of the most important people in her life. With her father having left when she was a little girl, to live the cliché with his secretary, Buffy and Joyce had gotten so close. Now the young girl was alone, or so she felt, no matter how tightly her boyfriend held her.

End Flashback

"I should have come back when I heard" Spike shook his head feeling worse than ever "should've been here for you when you needed me" his voice disappeared as he looked over at Buffy. She looked to be in a daze, probably remembering that awful day when she'd lost Joyce and the following days and weeks trying to move on.

"I didn't need you" she suddenly snapped, her words icy cold and slicing through Spike's heart like steel "I had Willow and Xander, and Riley was so great" she explained "he did everything for me, anything that I couldn't handle alone he was by my side"

Spike swallowed down the pain, anger, and sadness he felt at being told he was less than needed in her life then or now.

"Still, I could've called, sent a card..." the guilt wasn't going to go away unless she forgave him, and it seemed she was not in good humour for that today.

"You were busy with your new life" she interrupted "Living it up as a stripper apparently" she said in a decidedly disgusted tone.

Spike looked down at his boots and sighed. He deserved her to hate him and he'd had no doubt that she would act this way, even four years on, but actually sitting here now with her being like this with him. It was killing him to realise he meant so little to her.

"I...I think I should go" he said at last, getting up but making no move towards the door, hoping against hope she might ask him not to, might give him some tiny sign that maybe one day she could at least like him again.

"Yeah, you go" she said, voice trembling but determined to be as strong as possible "it seems to be what you do best" she spat half-heartedly.

That was it, he couldn't take anymore. Without a word he made for the door and slammed it behind him as he went.

Back in the apartment, Buffy finally let her tears fall. A part of her knew she'd done the right thing - he deserved to suffer after what he did to her, but the largest part of her hated to be so cruel. He'd meant everything to her for so long, and even now when he looked at her she could still feel those glorious things he'd made her feel just four years ago.

"I'm marrying Riley" she told herself sternly, wiping the tears from her cheeks and heading back to the kitchen, "I love Riley" she added less surely than she might have before. There was no denying that deep in her heart, she still loved William too.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Review and let me know what you think please, and I'll update again as soon as I can. God it's tough keeping up with four fics! But I have also managed to update 'Innocence' tonight, for those who are interested :-)