A/N : Thanx to; Moonjava, RoleModelGirlie, Demonica Mills, wicked-angel3, spikes-slayer29590, CaroMio, Mr Lennox I pressume, OnlyHaveEyesForYou, SlaYerRGiRLkaL, Courtney37, Anyanka0705, PK, and sheilamarie, for the latest reviews. Glad you all liked the previous chapter and hope you like this one too...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 18

The only things Buffy was aware of as she began to wake up the next morning was the sun shining in through the drapes, all warm and bright, and the same kind of feeling inside her heart. She knew she didn't want to fully awaken, when she did she knew she'd remember things that weren't all good, but in these couple of minutes she could force it all away and just revel in that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from being loved and being in love too.

She woke up too fast as she rolled over in the bed and found a big space on the other side. Of course Riley was away until at least lunch time today, but then that wasn't who she'd expected to find beside her. Last night William had taken her to the dizzy heights of pure ecstasy, as he told her he loved her and proved it beautifully.

Now it was the morning after the night before and in the harsh light of day Buffy was feeling incredibly guilty over her betrayal of Riley, not to mention terribly upset when it occurred to her that she'd been used. It was an awful thing to have to think, but if William had meant the things he said and did last night, why wasn't he still with her now, unless it had all been an elaborate lie.

Her hand went to her face as she fought back tears, the engagement ring on her third finger taunting her over what she had done. Buffy felt wretched until suddenly she heard a noise in the kitchen, a clatter of utensils before a distinct curse word that meant only one person was there.

Buffy hopped out of bed, ridiculously startled to find herself completely naked. She pulled on her dressing gown, fastening it tight around her body, before venturing out of the bedroom and through to the kitchen. The sight that met her eyes made her feel a hundred and one things both good and bad, but the over-riding emotions were guilt and terrible wanting as Spike stood there with his back to her, wearing just his jeans and nothing else.

"Sorry, pet" he said when he turned and saw her there, "Didn't mean to wake you"

"You didn't" she shook her head slightly, trying to regain coherent thought as the sight of so much of his body reminded her exactly what they'd done last night, each detail so clear the very memory made her shiver deliciously.

She was hardly aware of what was happening as he came towards her, putting a hand to her waist and one in her hair as he pulled her into a kiss. As terrible as she was feeling over her almost-adultery, Buffy was disappointed when Spike pulled away first and went back over to the counter.

"You spoiled my surprise" he told her, "I was making you breakfast in bed" he said, showing her the tray he'd been preparing for her. Guilt overtook her as she flashed-back to two days ago when Riley had done the same thing. That night they'd slept together in an attempt to relight the fire between them, bring back some romance, but all it'd done was prove to Buffy that William meant so much more to her than her fiancé ever could.

Tears streamed down her face and she was almost unaware of it as she stood there in the kitchen, barely dressed, staring at the breakfast tray Spike held and feeling so terrible.

"Hey, now" he sighed, putting the tray down and coming over to her once again. He tried to put his arms around her and for a moment she shrugged him off before allowing herself to be pulled into his embrace. She sobbed into his chest, wishing the world were simpler, that Spike had not come back to Sunnydale when he had. She was happy with Riley until she was forced to compare him to the new version of her ex. Now everything had gone so terribly wrong and there seemed to be no way of solving the problems she faced without hurting someone.

When her shoulders eventually stopped heaving and her tears ceased, Spike pulled away and tried to see her face.

"What's this about, Buffy?" he asked her worriedly. She looked away, unable to answer but he guessed it was guilt over what they'd done. She was still engaged to her enormous hall monitor of a boyfriend after all, but he did so hate to see her cry for any reason. Knowing he was a part of that reason tore him apart inside.

Not knowing how else to soothe her pain he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. She hesitated at first but soon joined in with what he'd started and a repeat performance of the night before seemed likely as their passion rose. They stumbled over to the couch, the bedroom seeming too far away. They were soon lying together there, Spike's hands sliding inside her dressing gown and encountering naked flesh. As beautiful as it felt, Buffy had a sudden flash back to a couple of days ago, when something similar had begun on this very couch.

"No" she said suddenly, wriggling out from under him, "No, not again" she told both him and herself.

"But, Buffy" he said looking hurt, "I love you, after last night I thought..."

"You thought what?" she shot back angrily, much more furious with herself for letting this all happen than she was with him, but he was about to feel the force of her wrath anyway it seemed, "You thought that you'd use your new-found skills to confuse me and make me think I want you again?" she accused.

His eyes narrowed at that comment as she stood before him, tying her dressing down tight around her once again.

"You do want me" he told her, standing up and getting in her face, "You love me, you said it last night"

"People say things, Spike" she told him, emphasis on his name, trying to convince herself this wasn't William and so she didn't care how she hurt him when really she did, "You never tell any of your other women things that weren't true"

"I haven't got other women!" he protested loudly, "And what I told anyone that I've...been with is irrelevant"

"Isn't that what I am?" she asked, "Just another woman you've been with?"

"You know that's not true" he said seriously, looking her right in the eye, "You know what you mean to me Buffy, you must do"

"I thought I did" she shook her head sadly, "But I guess I got it wrong, I was right before, you're not the guy I fell in love with" she snapped, turning her back on him.

"Then who the bloody hell I am?" he asked, putting a hand to her shoulder and spinning her around again, "Cos I swear to God Buffy all I know is I'm the man that loves you, and the man you said you loved too not ten hours ago"

"I lied" she forced out, knowing the real lie was what she was saying now but she was so angry at herself and at him for making her love him all over again. It was just this huge mess and she couldn't think straight with him so close to her, especially when neither of them were decently dressed and the memories of last night were far too clear in her mind.

The look on his face was somewhere between incredulous and pained, and she just couldn't bear to meet his eyes. A humourless laugh escaped his lips and she felt sick.

"Oh, you lied" he echoed, "Right then, guess you win the bloody Oscar, luv" he told her bitterly, "Cos you had me, hook, line, and sinker"

"Then you're a fool" she said, her back to him since she knew she'd never be able to lie like this if he could see her face, "I'm marrying Riley tomorrow, why would you think you meant anything to me...You were just convenient, one last fling before I settle down"

"You can't mean this" he said sounding so distraught about it she almost caved, almost turned around flung herself into arms and kissed him senseless, apologising over and over and promising she really did love him, but she remained as she was.

"Come on, Spike" she said as she turned to glance at him just briefly, "Lots of women sleep with the stripper...It doesn't mean anything"

William didn't have words to answer that. He walked back to the bedroom to fetch the rest of his clothes and as soon as he was dressed he went to the front door without saying a word to Buffy who sat on the sofa with a nonchalant look on her face. He'd like to call her a liar, say she was faking all this apathy to their situation but the things she'd said had hurt as much as if she had meant them, and he hated her just a little bit either way.

Without a word he left the apartment, slamming the door as he went. On the other side he bumped into a delivery boy whom he swore at for getting in his way. Beyond the door, Buffy sat on the couch, put her head in her hands and cried like a child. She'd just done such a terrible thing, she'd hurt the one person in the world she loved the most, but she had good reasons. At least they'd seemed like they were valid a moment ago, now she just felt wretched for the pain she'd caused. When Riley found out what she'd done he'd be terribly hurt too and the tears that poured down her cheeks were clear evidence of her own pain.

A knock on the door made her gasp, it either had to be Spike returning or Riley home early from his trip. Either way she knew she must answer and face the consequences of her actions both last night and just a moment ago. She was a little startled to find a large bunch of flowers greeted her when she opened the door.

"Er, Miss Buffy Summers?" said the uncertain delivery boy from behind the bouquet.

"Yes" she sniffed, frowning as she took the flowers from him and signed the board he thrust at her.

"Have a nice day" he called a she headed back down the stairs and Buffy took her delivery inside, pulling out the card and reading it. It did nothing to heal the ache in her heart as she read words of both apology and love from her fiancé. What did he really have to apologise for, she asked herself, he'd done nothing but love her and care for her. It wasn't his fault she'd never truly gotten over William, or that he'd walked out of her life on their wedding day. Riley couldn't take the blame for Spike's return or the result of last nights mock date.

He was not the guilty party in all this, and to some degree even Spike was innocent. Though he'd hurt her years ago, since he'd been back he'd been nothing but sweet and kind and loving. Both the men in her life could be accused of nothing worse than loving her this past week, and in return she'd done nothing but hurt them. Right now all she could do was cry and hate herself, but later she knew she'd have to make some kind of decision about her future, be it with Riley or with Spike.

Spike hated that he could feel tears in his eyes as he stormed away from the apartment block where Buffy lived. Only she could do this to him, reduce him to his former self, the hen-pecked teenager that worshipped the ground she walked on and couldn't help stammering and blushing whenever she paid any attention to him for the first few months he'd known her. He'd come a long way since then, at least he thought he had, and yet with just a few simple words she brought him right back down again.

Anger took over from sadness at the very idea he could be controlled in such a way, that he allowed himself to be used as it seemed she had used him. A final fling before she got married, a night of fun with the stripper, he doubted she even realised how much it hurt to hear her say those things. Maybe that was the point though, maybe she did know, maybe the whole time she set out to make him feel the pain he'd caused her when he walked out on her four years ago.

So engrossed in thought was Spike he didn't see Xander coming in the opposite direction until he ploughed right into him, both young men nearly falling on their backsides.

"Woah" Xander reeled back, a little stunned by the blast from the past of seeing his old friend looking just like he had when they were teens, "You weren't kidding about reminding the Buffster of your past" he smiled.

"Ha bloody ha, Harris" Spike snapped, feeling he was being laughed at, "Bleedin' hilarious ain't it?" he said as he continued walking, until his friend called him back.

"What's up with you?" he checked, "Did things not go so well last night?"

"Things went bloody brilliant last night" he said sadly shaking his head, "This morning when it all went to soddin' hell" he complained.

"You wanna talk?" Xander offered, hoping that came across in a manly way.

"Appreciate the offer, mate" Spike smiled slightly, "but talking won't solve anything, not now. She doesn't love me"

"The Buffster doesn't..." Xander trailed off not able to take in that particular concept, "Are you kidding me?" he asked incredulously.

"Do I look like I'm havin' a laugh" his friend shot back with a definite pissed-off look.

"Not so much" Xander admitted, "But Will, seriously, I don't know what Buffy said to you but she never stopped loving you, me and Willow both know that, and so do you"

"Thought that was true last night" Spike said quietly, almost to himself and Xander glanced in the direction his old friend had been walking from. The apartment he'd been staying at wasn't that way, but Buffy's was. Now everything was becoming all too clear.

"I'm not asking for kiss and tell here" he said cautiously, "but you and she...did you?" he said vaguely.

"What do you think, Harris?" Spike rolled his eyes, "That I'm so mightily hacked off cos she chucked me out for cheating at Trivial Pursuit?"

"No" said Xander, to rhyme with 'duh!', "but I don't presume where you and the Buffster are concerned"

"Look, Xand" Spike sighed, "I appreciate what you and Red have done for me these past few days and I know you would've liked to have seen me and Buffy make a go of it but, it's not gonna happen" he admitted sadly, "I'm gonna give Anya a call, see if I can wangle my job back, then I'm outta here...for good this time"

Xander didn't know what to say to that, as the two shook hands and Spike turned to go. He was several feet away when the brunette had a thought and went after him.

"Hey, do me one favour" he said as he caught up with is old friend, "Before you leave, say goodbye to Buffy. No letters, no phone calls, go say an actual goodbye this time"

"I will" Spike nodded, "If only for yours and Red's sake I'll be a gentleman, do the decent thing"

He walked away then and Xander watched him disappear around the corner, only hoping that Spike would not be leaving today. If he did, Buffy's heart would be broken again and then so would Riley's when their sham of a marriage fell apart as he knew it surely would. His best friend loved her fiancé, he knew she did, but she wasn't in love with him like she was with William, any fool could see that. He only hoped they could work it all out, before it was too late.

To Be Continued...

A/N2 : Just one more chapter to go! If you want to review, please do!