Chapter 12

Sirius was woken up by Madame Pomfery as she gently shook his shoulder. "You can go to the common room if you would prefer," she said. "James is here and he's going to help you."

"I don't need help," muttered Sirius, and got off the bed. Immediately he swayed and the nurse grabbed his shoulder to prevent him from falling. Sheepishly, he glanced at the nurse, who kept her grip on him. "Okay, maybe I do need some assistance."

Madame Pomfery nodded in satisfaction and called James over. He came immediately, but looked dimly confused and lost. Sirius looked at him curiously, but didn't ask. Carefully James wrapped his arms around Sirius's shoulders to make sure he wouldn't fall and they began to make their way back to the Gryffindor common room. Madame Pomfery watched them leave with a small smile on her face. They were indeed an interesting couple.

"Are you alright, Siri?" James asked as they walked. He had been completely set on helping Sirius raise one baby, but he wasn't sure if raising two would be possible for teenagers.

Sirius looked at him and smiled wearily. He was tired and, despite sleeping for an hour, felt like he needed immediate rest. "I'm just tired. How about you? You seem to be acting differently."

James looked at him and shook his head. "Twins? Is it actually possible for us to raise twins together?" he asked, still getting over the shock.

Sirius shook his head slightly and sighed. "I'm going to have to, aren't I?" he mumbled, slightly resentful. James looked at him in surprise at his pronoun use.

"No, we as in us," James corrected in a slightly joking tone. He wasn't about to let Sirius go through this alone. He was going to be there for him every single step of the way. Through birth and childhood and adolescence. It was his goal, and if he had to marry Sirius to prove his sincerity, then he would. First he had to talk to Sirius about it, though.

Sirius looked at James with a sad smile crossing his face. "I don't want you to feel like you have to help, just because you're my boyfriend."

James stopped and pulled Sirius over to the side. "Sirius, I want to help you. I think I would be miserable if I watched you facing this alone. If I have to, I'll marry you. But, just know that I will never consider it a burden or an unwelcome hurdle to help you and your children. I want to be your husband, and their father. Maybe not now, but someday I would like to be a permanent part of your life."

Sirius stared at James for a moment and then gave him a big hug. That had been the most loving thing he had heard from anyone. Never before had he felt such love, such care, such…want. It overwhelmed him and touched his very soul and the reality of it all. "Thank you James. I would never want to push you out of my life, unless you really didn't want to be a part of it."

James smiled and gave Sirius a long kiss on the lips. Sirius eagerly returned the kiss and only broke apart when lack of oxygen interfered. James looked deeply into Sirius's eyes and smiled slightly. Sirius was panting slightly, and smiled back at him. "That was nice," he whispered, leaning in close to James's ear.

"Very nice,' replied James, also panting. After a moment of staring at Sirius, James continued, "I think we should get to the common room now. I think we both need our rest."

Sirius nodded and let James lead him to the dormitory. Once they got to the room, Sirius immediately lay down on his bed and James came and sat next to him, absently playing with his boyfriend's raven hair. Randomly, Sirius sighed. "I'm so fat and ugly," he complained as he sat in James's warm embrace.

Sighing as well, James retorted, "You are not. You're pregnant, what were you expecting?"

Sirius sat up and looked at James. "I don't know. I'm so tired of this and I hate everything about it! What did I do to deserve this? Why did that bastard have to…" he trailed off, a lost expression on his face. It was really the first time that James had heard Sirius complain about what had happened to him. Before, he had just seemed to accept that what had happened to him was a tragedy, but now he seemed to want retaliation. "I didn't do anything to him, yet that bastard-that fucking bastard just came and…look at this!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards his stomach. "I'm not old enough to take care of a baby, let alone two babies. Hell, I doubt I could take care of myself. And it's entirely my fault. I'm such a weak, pathetic, ugly whore! I guess I did deserve it."

"Don't," whispered James, horrified at what he was hearing from his best friend. Horrified that Sirius was really thinking that he deserved what had happened to him. Horrified that he had kept these emotions in for as long as he had.

Sirius looked at James bitterly. "If I didn't deserve it, then why did it happen?" James opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by Sirius as he burst into despairing sobs, sobs that wracked his body that would leave him exhausted. "I hate them so fucking much," he choked out between sobs. "Why…why…why?"

James wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius's shaking shoulders. "I don't know why, Siri. The only thing I can tell you is that you didn't deserve it. No one, not even Snape, deserves that." He began stroking Sirius's head and gently put his other hand on Sirius's swelled stomach.

"I don't want these babies. I can't take care of them. I don't want to take care of them. I'm afraid that every time I see them I will be reminded of what happened to me," he cried, holding on to James as if his life depended on it. "I'm such a mess, damn it, I'm such a fucking mess! Everything about my life has been one big screw up since the day I was born. I was never good enough for my fucked up family, never good enough for anything really, and I will never be good enough for you! Why do you even bother? I'm nothing but a lost cause. You don't want a person who is so screwed up."

James let Sirius rant, but with each word he was growing more furious, more outraged. Not at Sirius, no, never at Sirius, but at his family for making him feel that way. "You're right, I don't want to be with someone who is screwed up." Sirius looked up at that comment, an anguished expression on his face. But James continued, "You, however, are not screwed up and are not a lost cause. You are an amazing, wonderful, awesome person who deserves to be cherished and loved, not scorned and hated. I honestlydon't knowwhat your parents are smoking to think otherwise, but I know the truth, and you should too. There is no one who could be better for me than you are, and that will always remain the truth."

Sirius looked up at James again, his eyes red and his cheeks splotchy. Once again he felt that feeling of being loved, wanted, and needed, overriding the negative, painful emotions.Those were feelings that he cared for most because he had been deprived of them the most. After a moment, his sobs stopped, and Sirius sat up in James's arms, uncertain as to what had just happened.

"Are you feeling better?" James asked carefully, not wanting to upset the pregnant boy again. All in all, he felt that it was best that his boyfriend let all of his pent up emotions out. Holding them in like that was not healthy, and Sirius needed to realize that showing emotion once in a while was not a sign of weakness.

Sirius nodded and leaned against James, still sniffling slightly. "I'm sorry," he apologized softly, "I don't know what came over me. This need to just…rant on about everything came over me and I…" Sirius sighed, and trailed off hopelessly.

"I think you deserve the right to rant. You're life has been pretty horrible, you have every right to cry, complain, curse, shout, rant…whatever. However, there is no need for you to degrade yourself so. No matter what you say or what others may say or do to you, you'll always be incredible."

Sirius smiled slightly and felt himself becoming drowsy. Ranting took up a lot of energy, especially when you were crying. "Thank you, James," he muttered. "You know, I really do want these babies. Although later would've been nice and if the father had been different, but...yeah, I lied about that." Sirius sighed and snuggled up against James. "I love you."

"I love you too," responded James, kissing him on the forehead.And then Sirius fell asleep and James, being the loving boyfriend he was, stayed with Sirius throughout the night.

A.N. Alrighty then, I'd decided that Sirius was acting way to calm about everything, so…drama is always nice. Anyways, the next chapter the twins will be born. Please review and thank you!