Chapter 17
Grumbling under his breath, Sirius walked across Hogwarts' grounds to get back to the castle. He had been out watching the Gryffindor quiditch practice, but the Slytherins had shown up and broken everything up. Insults had been thrown, along with spells, and Sirius, unfortunate as he recently had been, had been hit by a tickling charm. Sirius hated being tickled, as it could hurt him, and consistently insisted that he was not ticklish. However, when he was touched in certain areas on his chest or leg he would screech and wriggle away.
So Sirius was in a very bad mood as he went to go pick up his daughter from Lily, who had volunteered to watch over Anastasia while he went out and had some "alone-time". James was in the Gryffindor changing room, getting some of his items that he had dropped off in the room.
When Sirius entered the Gryffindor common room, he looked around for Lily, and found her in a corner with Remus, studying something. Anastasia was laying in a baby carrier next to her, and Lily's foot was gently rocking her back and forth. Sirius smiled slightly and walked over to his two friends, even though Lily had only recently become his friend (after Remus and her began going out).
"Hey Lily, Remus," Sirius said as he walked up and bent down to pick up his daughter. She opened her eyes, which were grey like Sirius's and cooed softly. "Hey baby, how are you doing."
She giggled and Sirius picked her up carefully, holding her tightly against his chest. After only a month, she had grown so much. He was so proud of her. Already she could hold up her own head and was cooing and crawling and…well, whatever else babies were supposed to do. Sirius was amazed at her every move, amazed at how this little life had been created.
Remus and Lily watched him and his daughter. "How'd things go on the quiditch pitch?" Remus asked after several seconds of silence.
Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes. "Slytherins are really stupid," was all he said in reply to his question. "Did you finish your essay for Professor McGonagall?"
Remus rolled his eyes and smiled wryly, "Of course I did, and of course you want to see it, to "get an idea" as to what to write."
Lily smiled and nodded slightly. "That sounds about right to me," she said, agreeing with Remus. Sirius shook his head slightly and sighed.
"You have corrupted sweet Lily, Remus. How could you?"
Remus snorted in laughter and shook his head in disbelief. "You're a hypocrite you know that?" he said. "I was sweet once too, and then I met you and James."
At that comment, Sirius bristled in indignation and retorted, "Hey, I resent that. I have done nothing to you that was against your wishes."
"Well actually-" Remus began, but Sirius shook his head and then turned on his heel without another word.
"I'll see you guys later," he called over his shoulder as he reached the door. Remus and Lily waved good bye and then went back to their "studying". Sirius smiled and walked to his new room. Like the headmaster had said, it had only taken a few days to find a place for Sirius and James to stay and then only a little bit longer to move them there.
Sirius was so happy with how things were turning out. He had fewer nightmares, fewer questions, and fewer regrets. Watching Anastasia growing up was an incredible experience, in Sirius's opinion, and while he still wished that he had gotten pregnant later, and by someone else, he was certainly pleased with his daughter. She was so beautiful. Really, she looked a lot like Sirius, with the same eyes, hair, and nose. She had the same high cheekbones that Sirius possessed and the same full lips. James had said several times before that Anastasia would be a heartbreaker, and Sirius couldn't find one reason why she shouldn't be.
When Sirius entered his room, he was met by an owl sitting on the windowsill. Wrinkling his eyebrows in confusion, Sirius set his daughter down and walked over to the bird. Carefully he took the letter off of his leg and then it flew away without waiting for a reply. Sirius watched it leave, now befuddled, and then opened the letter. As soon as he saw the first words, his heart sank in dread.
From the Black Family,
This summer, we want you to come home, as always. What has happened to you does not change anything. You will come back here, you will do as your told, and if you have any sense at all, you will listen to us and agree with our every word. We do not want you to go to the Potters'. They are a bad influence and you should not be anywhere near them. If you do not come home, you, and the Potters', will have to face the consequences.
It has also been brought to our attention that you are/were pregnant from your…punishments from last summer. It has caused us great grief, as it called attention to the fact that you were mistreated at our house. This just increases how worthless you are, a mistake. I don't understand why we didn't just kill you at birth. However, we didn't, and as such we have to suffer the disgrace you put us through.
If you really do have a child, drown it. It is not worth keeping. Anything that's spawned from you cannot be worth it. I warn you now, if you bring that creature home with you, it will suffer and die and you will experience punishments beyond your imagination, which by now is probably pretty good.
Heed our warnings wisely. The Black family does not make idle threats.
The Blacks
Sirius read and reread the letter, feeling his heart sink in his chest. He couldn't go home and be subjected to that type of torture again. However, he couldn't go to the Potters' either and endanger them from his family's wrath. What was he supposed to do? He glanced over at his sleeping child. Drown her? He could just as soon commit suicide while killing James and Remus.
Sirius sank onto his bed. There was only half a month until summer break began. That didn't leave much time for him to form an effective plan. The only thing that Sirius was certain of was that James must never see the letter. That would lead to an overly defensive James and a lot of arguing. But how could he lie to the one person that he had always loved?
The door opened and in came James. Sirius moved to stuff the letter under his pillow, but realized that it was too late. James had seen the letter in his hand and had come over to sit next to him, after blowing a quick kiss towards Anastasia.
"What's that?" he asked Sirius as he sat down next to him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
Sirius shrugged and was about to lie, but James pried the letter from his hands and quickly skimmed over it. When he was done, he looked up at Sirius with astonishment shining through his eyes.
After a few moments of stunned silence James whispered, "Don't listen to them. They can't hurt you, or my family. You can't even consider hurting your own daughter. And you can't run away."
"Can't I though?" asked Sirius softly. A plan was starting to formulate in his mind. Maybe…maybe if he hurt James, betrayed him in some way, then he could save him and his family from a worse fate. It would hurt both of them, but it would keep his lover alive, right?
"What?" asked James, softly.
"Maybe I don't want to stay with you," he responded in a stronger, more determined voice. "Maybe I don't want to be with you anymore, ever. I don't need you anymore, why should I?'
James watched him through wide eyes as he continually verbally abused him. Nothing was really hitting a nerve, it was just startling him.
Sirius continued though, "You know, my parents were right. Why would I want to hang around with mudblood traitors like you? You are a bad influence, so why should I bother? You'll just end up holding me down with you good intentions. You know, I always thought you were too good. Too nice. Nice people don't get anywhere in this world. Mudblood lovers especially."
Each time he said the word mudblood, it caught in his mouth. He hated the word, it tasted foul and harsh. In fact, every word he said to James was like a stab to his heart. But he had to, if he wanted to help his friend, his lover...his life.
At the last part of Sirius's speech, James had become red with anger. How dare he?! After all that James had done to help him, he treated him like shit. And now he was showing his true color, and looked a lot like green. Just like his family.
"Well," he said after a moment of silence in a deadly quiet voice, "if that's how you feel, I think you would be better off with your family. I'm taking Anastasia though, considering they want her dead."
Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but then sharply snapped it shut again. He couldn't take her with him, wherever he ended up going. She would be best off not knowing him, better off just living with the Potters' and their perfect lives. "If you insist," Sirius drawled instead. "She is worthless to me. I don't know why you would want her, but…whatever floats your boat."
James stood up angrily and stormed over to the baby bed. Gently he picked her up and just gazed at her in his arms. Sirius watched them both, feeling his heart ripping apart. He had done the right thing. Neither James nor Anastasia would suffer for his wretched family, and if Sirius had any say in it, he would avoid them as much as possible.
"I don't know what I ever saw in you Black," hissed James, turning his back on him, Anastasia still in his arms. Sirius's eyes filled with tears, but he quickly wiped them away. As he did, he could hear James's voice saying, "It's okay to cry." Sirius sighed inaudibly and thought, "Not always, James, not always."
James was ranting on about how easily he had been deceived, while throwing accusations, insults, curses and everything else that could shatter Sirius into pieces. After what seemed like hours of endless verbal torture, James spun around to face him again, anger, hatred, and pain shining through his eyes. The pain almost made Sirius retract his words, but he was firm. James's family could not be hurt for his sake, and there was no way in hell that he was going to kill his own daughter just to suit his parents wants.
"I never want to see you again, Black. You're despicable," James snarled and walked away from his ex-boyfriend. Sirius sat still, watching his life walk out of the room.
A.N. was that okay? I don't know. I got the idea from Moulin Rouge. You know the "hurt him to save him" bit. I don't know. I thought some spice might be nice. Lol. Anyways, please review and thank you!