Chapter 19

James sat on his old bed feeling sorry for himself with Anastasia in his arms. He wondered if Remus and Lily had actually gone to Sirius to talk to him. Personally he would like to know what had made his friend blow up like that. The pain, shock, and betrayal was diminishing and in its place was bewilderment.

James began rethinking the past events. What had happened that day that might have made him angry? First they had gotten up (James had kissed him on the nose like he always did) and had gone down to breakfast with the baby. After that they went to the Gryffindor common room to study a bit with Remus and Peter, but they had all basically spent the entire time making out (Peter with his girlfriend and Remus with Lily). Then, around noon, they had left Anastasia with Lily and Remus and had walked outside to the quiditch pitch, James to practice and Sirius to watch. The Slytherins had come and thrown some curses, but none that were strong enough to really piss Sirius off (although tickling was really painful to Sirius). Then he had picked up his things from the changing room and had gone off to find Sirius in their room. He had entered the room and found Sirius reading a letter. James had taken the letter and read it. It said-

James stood up in shock, waking the baby up and making her cry. Immediately James began to calm her down, singing a lullaby under his breath that Sirius had taught him. After she fell asleep again, James set her down carefully and began pacing around the room. The letter! In his anger he had completely forgotten the letter, even though that was what had started the use of Sirius's hateful words.

James sighed. Of course Sirius wouldn't say any of that, at least, not unless he thought that it would help anyone who he desperately loved. Of course Sirius would take the threats from his family seriously. And drowning his own daughter, and calling her useless? That couldn't have possibly be his own feelings, considering he loved her so much. James groaned in frustration. Why did anger make him so blind to the obvious things?

Behind him, the door creaked open slowly, breaking James out of his reasoning. Cursing whoever it was silently for intruding on his thoughts, he turned around and saw Sirius. He was standing there, looking downtrodden and afraid of James's reaction. For a moment, they just stared at each other.

Breathing in deeply, James gathered himself and ran towards his boyfriend and threw his arms around him tightly. Sirius didn't respond for a moment, but then sank into his lover's embrace gratefully.

"I'm so sorry James," he said into his shoulder. James could feel his shoulders shaking as he sobbed.

"No, it's alright Sirius," he murmured into his hair, gently playing with his long dark locks. "I'm sorry. I didn't understand why until recently. It's partly my fault, but I guess anger makes me blind to the blatantly obvious things. You don't need to apologize for something you thought was best."

"But it wasn't," a teary eyed Sirius responded, backing off slightly. James could now see his face, with the puffy grey eyes and splotchy cheeks.Sirius was thethe most handsome man he knew. "I should never had said any of that."

"It doesn't matter, as long as you don't mean it," soothed James, trying to calm him down.

"Of course it does," he exclaimed, breaking free of James's embrace. "I didn't know I was even capable of saying things like that! Yet, they flowed so freely from my mouth that it was like I had been saying them my entire life."

James shook his head and watched as his boyfriend walked around their old room. He walked over to his daughter and gently picked her up, rocking her against his chest. "I can't believe I'd even considering calling you worthless," he said to his daughter, who didn't awaken when he picked her up. "Even if I thought at the time that it was in your best interests."

Sighing, he carefully lay her back down and stood up nervously. He didn't seem ready to accept James's forgiveness, although James wasn't sure why not. Silence filled the room, threatening to suffocate both inhabitants. Finally unable to tolerate it, James asked, "Did Remus and Lily talk to you?"

Sirius nodded slightly and continued pacing, causing James to frown. What was wrong now? There seemed to be a shadow cast over Sirius's heart and it wasn't ready to leave. James could tell that he was mumbling under his breath at himself, some words James could hear, and most of them were insults directed at himself or curse words to describe the situation.

Eventually he stopped pacing and then spun around to face him. "What happened?" he asked, seeming to be utterly confused by everything that occurred.

James looked at him curiously. "What?"

Sirius sighed and elaborated, "What went through my mind that thought that it would be better if I hurt you rather than my family? That would make me as bad as them, something I had tried to avoid for as long as I can remember."James shook his head and once again gave Sirius an embrace. Kissing him on the head, he surmised, "You were thinking of my protection, and the protection of my family. You wanted the keep the most important things in your life safe, even if it meant hurting them a bit to do it."

Sirius nodded against his boyfriend's chest. "So I'm forgiven?" he inquired looking into James's eyes. He smiled in return and nodded, kissing him on the forehead again.

"We should go back to our room, aye?" said James, leading Sirius over to the bed to pick up his daughter.

Sirius nodded in response and picked up his baby girl. After James had wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist, they exited their dorm room and walked down the stairs. When they got down there, they found Lily and Remus making out on the couch. The looked up briefly as they walked down the stairs and smiled at their two reconciled friends. Sirius smiled at them and waved, conveying his thanks completely in his eyes. Both Remus and Lily understood and nodded in acknowledgement before continuing their make out session.

Once they were back in their room, Sirius lay down Anastasia in her crib and then went to lay down on their bed. James watched him and then went to lay down next to him. Sirius snuggled up next to his boyfriend (who was lying on his side) and allowed him to wrap his arms around his torso. Resting his head on James's chest, Sirius muttered after a minute, "What am I going to do during the summer? I still don't want to endanger your family."

James shook his head as he played with Sirius's hair. "My parents are capable of taking care of themselves. And, worse come to worse, we'll just move to America."

At those words, Sirius jerked up and looked at James in shock. James chuckled slightly and pulled the boy back down into his arms. "I'm just joking," he said softly, pulling him tightly against him. Sirius nodded slightly and allowed himself to relax. Before long, he was falling asleep. Ever since he became pregnant, he had always been exhausted, first from actually being pregnant and then from being woken up at midnight by his darling daughter.

Once he realized that Sirius was asleep, James got up, mindful not to wake his lover up, and walked over to the sleeping baby. Glancing back and forth between the two, James felt that all he would ever need was right there, asleep, in the room.

A.N. um…did they get back together too quickly? I don't know. Oh well. Anyways, please review. Thank you to my readers. The next chapter will be nice and fluffy. OH! And I want to know your opinion: is it too soon (for Sirius) for them to be having sex? I don't know, as I've never been raped. Please, an opinion on that.