Part One Hundred And Seven
On the Wednesday morning, George felt thoroughly out of sorts. Nothing had been resolved with John, she felt pathetic at not having been able to sing her part on Monday, and one of her richest clients had just informed her that he was going somewhere else for his legal work in future, meaning that her one appointment for this afternoon had been canceled. It made her smile slightly, to realise that what she really needed was a good, long, whinge. When, before her world had been figuratively turned inside-out, had she ever longed for the opportunity to do nothing more than have a good gossip with one of the girls. But that was the problem, everyone she knew was working at this time of the day. Karen, Jo, Cassie, Helen, even Roisin would be busy, stuck at home looking after the children as it was half term. Taking a mouthful of cold coffee, she suddenly remembered the one person who she'd not considered, and who, more than likely, would be at a loose end. Most of Nikki's work was centred around the nightlife of her club, meaning that her days were possibly a little emptier than most people's. Flipping through her address book, she hoped she wouldn't sound quite as feeble and pathetic as she felt. When Nikki answered, her voice was deeper, sounding half awake, and to George's ears, really quite sexy. "Nikki, it's George. I hope I didn't wake you." "No, not quite," Nikki said with a yawn. "This is a nice surprise." "Did you have a late night?" George asked, immediately kicking herself for the inanity of the question. "A very late night, enhanced by the sheer delight of having to go through the club's CCTV cameras some time today, because I think one of my bar staff is pushing drugs." "Not nice," George sympathised. "No. Trish always manages to leave the hiring and firing to me. So, what can I do for you?" "Erm, as lame as it sounds, I'm not sure," George found herself saying. "Is everything all right?" Nikki asked, instantly on the alert, hearing a woman who desperately wanted a chat, but who didn't know how to ask for it. "No, not really," George replied, seeing no point in saying otherwise. "George," Nikki said reassuringly. "You didn't phone me up in the middle of a working day, seriously in need of a talk, only to bottle out at the last minute." George gave the Munnings above her desk a watery smile. "No, I didn't," She said. "Apart from the detective work, are you busy today?" "No, not at all. Do you want to come and see me?" "Yes, I would, if that's all right." "Tell me," Nikki said with sudden inspiration. "Have you ever seen inside a gay club?" "As Karen is my first in that line of discovery, no I haven't," George said with a laugh. "Then maybe you can learn something at the same time. I've got to go through these tapes of last night, but I should be finished around three."
When George followed Nikki's directions later that afternoon, she had to admit to feeling a certain sense of intrigue. She hadn't been near a nightclub since the seventies, the brushfire smell of pot, clouding both the sight and judgment of everyone in the room. She'd worn her skirts barely coming to mid-thigh in those days, with her long, blonde hair streaming out behind her. As she drew her sleek, black BMW into a space behind Nikki's, she glanced up at the club's sign. "Chix!" It was called, with the X forming the parted legs of a woman. George couldn't help laughing to herself when she saw this. It some how signified that a sense of humour was vital, if one's obviously different sexuality wasn't going to cause too many problems. As she entered the foyer of the club, she could see a line of very wide panes of glass separating the foyer from the main part of the club. Before she could wonder where to look for Nikki, a brunette looking no older than fifteen approached her. "Are you George Channing?" She asked. "Yes," George told her, wondering what a girl as young as this was doing working for a club. "Nikki asked me to show you up to her office." As George followed the young girl up some carpeted stairs, she could feel the beginnings of a lecture forming in her head, about the employment of under-aged schoolgirls. When the girl showed her into a large, spacious office, lined floor to ceiling with windows, some looking out onto the street and some onto the dance floor downstairs, Nikki was scrolling through a CCTV tape. "Hi," She said, looking up with a smile. "You found it okay then?" "Yes. I like your sign." Asking the girl to bring them some coffee, she said, "What happened to you? You look a bit under the weather." "Anorexia happened to me," George told her, immediately putting a hand to her mouth in shock. Yes, it was true, she did still look tired, pale, and definitely too thin, but she hadn't meant to say something like that. "I'm sorry," She said, "I didn't mean to tell you that." Seeing that George needed something to put her back on track, Nikki gestured George to look at something on the TV screen. "What do you make of that?" As she watched, George was greeted to the sight of a hard-nosed, black-haired woman, clearly handing over a small plastic bag of something to another. "What do you suppose is in the bag?" George asked, moving away from the TV and sitting down on the leather sofa. "Could be crack, could be pills, I'm not sure." "And that's definitely someone who works for you?" "Oh, yes," Nikki said firmly. "She's not due in till tomorrow, but when she is, it'll be the shortest stay she's ever had. I could wring her neck for bringing drugs in here, never mind bloody selling them." This time, it was Nikki's turn to look a little uncomfortable. "And given what I did once do in this club, I really shouldn't say things like that." Then, at George's raised eyebrow, she added, "This is where I killed Detective Sergeant Gossard." George opened her mouth to speak, but unable to find anything to say, she shut it again. "How can you still work here, knowing that?" She asked eventually, thinking that Nikki had far more stamina than she would in such a situation. "If I couldn't have come back here," Nikki told her quietly. "He would have won, and if Trisha could do it, when the bastard had been trying to rape her, so could I. Besides, every time I look at that bar, I remember that I've got my freedom, and that I wouldn't have that freedom without Helen." It was very rare that George was stunned into silence, but this time she was. Nikki was so sincere in her determination to succeed, and her appreciation of everything those around her had achieved, that it made George feel extremely humble. The things that worried and angered her on a daily basis, seemed so superficial in comparison.
When the girl came in with the coffee, it seemed to break the ice. As Nikki sat in the leather armchair opposite, George said, "That reminds me, just how old is she?" As she said this, she gestured in the direction of the door through which the girl had just left. "Yeah, I know, looks about fifteen, doesn't she. But don't worry, she was nineteen last week. Her name's Rhiannon Dawson, Julie J's daughter." "Julie, as in the two Julies?" "Yeah," Nikki said with a smile. "They managed to persuade Rhiannon to get off drugs, go back to college and make something of herself. So, when she turned eighteen, I said if she wanted it, she could have a job here. She's under a strict threat of instant dismissal and grassing up to her mum if she doesn't stay clean, and so far it's worked, and no, before you ask, it definitely isn't her who's bringing the drugs in. It was Rhiannon who put me onto it in the first place. She doesn't usually work behind the bar, but we were short staffed last night, and I'm bloody glad she did." "She looks so young," George said in astonishment. "She looked even younger a few years ago, and she was working on the streets in those days."
They talked for a while about their mutual friends, until Nikki said, "Sweetheart, why are you really here?" "It sounds so stupid," George said, reaching for a cigarette. "I thought I'd stopped feeling like a fifteen-year-old, when I got used to being with Karen, but the older I get, the more adolescent I seem to behave. My life is already quite complicated enough, and I don't want to hurt anyone else, least of all Jo or Karen." Nikki held up a hand. "George," She said with a slight laugh. "Start at the beginning." "I'm sorry," George said, smiling at her. "Everything's just getting a bit on top of me, and I think I need a sounding board." "Is that why you stop eating?" Nikki asked gently. "Yes," George told her, looking slightly away from her. "I started doing it when I was fifteen, stupid really. But it only became very noticeable and therefore a problem, after my daughter was born. But that's another story, and definitely not one for today." "I take it your daughter is also John's daughter?" "Yes, perhaps the one thing I gave him that he actually wanted, and I didn't even manage to get that right. But I'm not here to talk about that. I know you know about the slightly insane arrangement I have with John and Karen." "Yeah, creative if nothing else," Nikki said dryly. "It wouldn't be my cup of tea, but if it works, then great." "It's supposed to, and if I hadn't pushed things a little too far, it probably would have stayed that way. A couple of weeks ago, the four of us almost ended up..." She didn't seem to know how to phrase it. "Jesus," Nikki said, sounding impressed. "That's not even something I've ever done." "We didn't," George said, looking relieved that she hadn't had to be more explicit. "But it uncovered something between me and Jo, that neither of us had ever expected to find." "Many a truth spoken in jest, eh?" "It was more by actions than by words, but yes, something like that. I wasn't surprised at my attraction to her, because Jo is perhaps the closest friend I have, and I've found women attractive ever since I can remember. It just took Karen to make me do something about it." "Why wait so long?" "My father wouldn't have understood," George told her simply. "I don't think he would quite have disowned me, but it would have driven an enormous wedge between us, and I couldn't bear that. My mother died when I was ten, so daddy is all I have in that respect." "Aha, the threat of parental disapproval," Said Nikki bitterly. "My parents kicked me out when I was sixteen because they discovered I was gay. It didn't quite fit in with their middle class, middle England lifestyle. Have you ever flirted with Jo?" "Yes, I suppose so, occasionally, probably because I always thought it was safe, that it would never achieve anything." "So, what happened to throw everything up in the air?" "I got very drunk last Saturday. I'd had a pretty awful row with John the week before, and when I say things that are well and truly uncalled for, they usually hurt me far more than they do the recipient." "Don't I know the feeling," Nikki said in sympathy. "The countless times in Larkhall, when I said things to Helen that I immediately regretted." "Jo came to see me when I was already half cut, and did her typically sensitive and entirely accurate routine on me by making me talk. That's why she's so good as a criminal barrister, she can extract confessions out of people before they know what's hit them. Anyway, something I told her, made her both concerned and furious with me." "Don't tell me," Nikki said in dawning realisation. "You kissed her, didn't you?" "No, actually it was the other way round. That was what shocked me, because I've always assumed her to be as straight as you get. Mind you, when I woke up the next morning and remembered it, I couldn't quite believe it was Jo who had initiated it." "It's always the quiet ones," Nikki said with a broad smile. Then, turning serious again, she asked, "How do you feel about this?" "I don't know. I shouldn't feel anything. All it should be is something I did in a drunken moment of insanity." "That's what Helen wanted to believe, the first time I kissed her, only neither of us were drunk," Nikki said with a fond smile of memory. "She'd had a really bad day. One of her officers had been caught smuggling drugs for Shell Dockley, the Governing Governor was on her back every second, and Crystal had sent a letter to the Guardian about the drugs problem in Larkhall, and in particular, on Helen's wing. She came up to my cell, probably just looking for a bit of tea and sympathy, and instead she got more than she bargained for." "What did she say?" George asked, always fascinated by the very personal stories she was told of life in Larkhall. "She was furious with me," Nikki said fondly. "She called me into her office, warned me as to my future conduct, the works. Every bloody time I did something that threatened her professional security, she'd pull rank on me. Every time I pushed it that little bit too far, all in an attempt to convince her that what she was feeling wasn't wrong, she'd use the keys and the bars to put me in my place. But do you know something, the more she fought it, the more I loved her. The harder she tried to prove that she didn't have feelings for me, the more I knew she did. I'd wait a whole week for a smile from Helen, and if she gave me a smile, that would get me through another week." "Every time I stop eating, or end up feeling stupid, drastic things like I did this weekend, Jo always manages to pull me out. It hasn't even been two years since we started being nice to each other, yet I don't know how I ever got through everything without her." "It got really bad for you this weekend, didn't it," Nikki said quietly, knowing with that instinctive sensitivity of hers just how bad. "Please, don't go there, Nikki," George pleaded. "Okay," Nikki said to calm her down, seeing in an instant that George was desperately ashamed of having felt so low. "You know something Jo said to me? She said, you're not normal, you're not abnormal, you're just you." "I remember saying something very similar to Helen," Nikki said in wonder. "Ever since we called a truce, and this slightly odd relationship began with John, Jo has always just accepted me for who I am. Even when she found out about Karen and me, she hardly batted an eyelid. I can't explain how I feel about Jo, but I do know that I don't want to hurt Karen. She doesn't deserve that." "I don't know that Karen would be all that surprised," Nikki said reasonably. "There isn't much she doesn't see. Well, except for her total blind spot with Fenner, but I guess we all have to have those once in a while. But I see what you mean. I think you need to give any feelings you might have for Jo, a lot more time to either surface or die, before you make any major decisions. The same goes for her too. If you keep this going with Karen, because I'm assuming you still want to, it'll keep any pressure off both you and Jo." "I know that really, I just think I needed to talk everything out with someone." "Any time," Nikki said with a smile. "Barbara used to say that I was the best listener on the wing. Mind you, she listened to me going on about Helen often enough, never mind covering up for me when I got out on the night Fenner was stabbed." "Did you hate it, going back, I mean?" "I think that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had all these plans, I was going to get out of the country using Trish's passport, and go to San Francisco of all places. Helen persuaded me to let her drive me to the airport, and when I realised she was heading back to Larkhall, I almost got us killed in a car crash. She wasn't very amused to be pulled by the police for reckless driving, but even then she didn't give me away. But yeah, the few weeks that followed that night were hell. I was going slowly and not so quietly mad. But she knew she was doing the right thing, and eventually I had to agree with her." "You said that Helen used to pull rank on you? Well, John frequently does the same. He's banged me up in a cell for contempt, on no less than three occasions. It is strictly forbidden for a barrister to appear before a judge with whom they are having any kind of affair. Sometimes I can't decide whether he's pulling rank on either me or Jo to keep the LCD off the scent, or simply out of sheer bloody mindedness." "There isn't much to choose between me and Helen for stubbornness," Nikki said with a smile. "We're both as bad as each other. You will sort this out, you know, because things like this always do, you've just got to let it ride the course. But if you ever want to talk, about anything, any time, I'm always here." As she reached forward to give George a hug, she could feel the far too prominent Channing bone structure. "Crystal did that once," She said, holding George slightly back from her. "Did what?" "Starved herself to almost skeletal proportions. She did it to prove a point, but that didn't make it any less lethal. It was when Di Barker switched the drugs tests so that Crystal's would come out positive. She looked even thinner than you do now." "Believe me, Nikki, I've been far thinner than this in my time." "It might not feel like it when things get this bad," Nikki said, looking deep into George's eyes. "But there are people who care for you, really quite a lot of them when you think about it, and every single one of us would be there if you wanted to cry, or to shout, or just to stop you from staring at the four walls when things get a bit too much. Just remember that." "Thank you," George said, hugging her back with a few stray tears in her eyes, and wondering just how she'd coped before she discovered the true meaning of real, sincere friendship.