Part One Hundred And Nine
On the Saturday evening, Karen invited John over for dinner. They hadn't spent any quality time together as friends, really since the rehearsals for 'The Creation' had begun. Karen didn't want to lose his friendship, and she knew that as a result of her relationship with George, she was occasionally in danger of doing this. John was pleased to hear from her, because although he would never admit it, he missed Karen's company. He still hadn't spoken to George since Monday's rehearsal, and though he knew he was probably treading on very thin ice, he wanted Karen's advice about her. He couldn't help but appreciate that so far, Karen had refused to get in any way involved in the argument he'd had with George, keeping her distance from it and giving her loyalty to no one in particular. But as he drove over to Karen's on the Saturday evening, he briefly wondered if this was all about to come to an end.
They'd eaten a pleasant meal, and were sitting on the sofa with a bottle of wine John had brought. "John, are you up for hearing a novel idea?" Karen asked carefully, wondering what his reaction would be. "Aren't I always?" He said with a smile. "Earlier this week, I came up with a slightly radical solution to my staffing crisis. I'm trying it out on you first, because I know that you won't dismiss it without considering it." "What makes you think anyone else would dismiss it?" "Because it's never been done before, at least not to my knowledge." "And as George was so fond of telling me when we were married, that's the best reason for trying anything." Karen laughed. "I've been looking out for a new Wing Governor, to take over G wing, and so far, there's no sign of anyone on the horizon who wants to take up the job. Gina is pretty good at it, but she doesn't want to stay in the job full time. She's like you in a way, wants to keep her hand in at the front line. The thing is, I was trying to work out exactly what I wanted in a new wing governor." "Well, I'd have thought experience with prisoners might be a start," John said dryly. "Precisely," Karen said, as if she'd been waiting for him to say this. "Experience of dealing with prisoners, experience of dealing with both the system and its officers. Some kind of management experience is essential for a job like that, which means that previous career choices can be taken into consideration. But the most important thing, is a drive to make the prison service a successful, secure, and sympathetic working environment, both for those who work within it, and for those it supports." "What are you working up to?" He asked carefully, seeing the light in her eyes that always appeared when she got on her soapbox, and especially when she had a captive audience, not unlike himself when he came to think about it. "Let me ask you," She continued. "Who do you think has the most in-depth experience of both the prison system and of dealing with its inmates?" "Other than someone like yourself, I couldn't say." "Think about it, John," She cajoled. "It's actually staring you in the face, if you consider it long enough." "That's because you've been thinking about it for days on end," He told her with a smile. She watched him, his knitted brows telegraphing the mental acrobatics that were going on inside his head. When his eyes widened, she realised he'd worked it out. "Not an ex-prisoner?" He said in shock. "Of course," She said, as if the idea was obvious. "Who else knows exactly what it's like to be behind bars? Who else can truly empathise with the whole series of shocks and indignities that all prisoners have to suffer, even in this country? I can't, not entirely, because I've never been there. The same goes for every other officer and governor, I've ever had the pleasure or misfortune to encounter. Only someone who has been through those exact procedures, can understand what every prisoner goes through on being taken into custody." "You'll never get that passed area management," John told her glibly. "Ah, but that's because you haven't yet heard the rest of it," Karen said without ranker, knowing that everyone she told about this would take an awful lot of convincing. "The particular ex-prisoner I'm thinking of, no longer has a criminal record, at least not in the official sense, because it was eradicated on her second appeal." "Nikki," He clarified. "Nikki Wade." "Her conviction was overturned, which even I know means that her official slate has been wiped clean." "The Lord Chancellor's department would have a fit," John said with a broad smile, thinking that if Karen really managed to pull this off, he would be the one to personally inform Sir Ian Rochester and his associates, just for the sheer delight of rubbing their noses in something so novel, yet so obvious.
"So," He said, taking a sip of the chilled white wine. "Tell me how Nikki fits into your plan." "Well, her experience of the criminal justice system speaks for itself," Karen replied, lighting herself a cigarette. "She spent three years behind bars, a lifetime compared to living on the outside. I dug her prison file out of the archives yesterday, just to make sure I knew everything. It's funny, but no one ever seemed to notice that one of Nikki's requisite photographs is missing. I might be wrong, but I think Helen might have taken it the first time she resigned." "It's funny the things that go on under your nose," John said philosophically. "I remember, when all my officers went on strike, when Shell Dockley was put back on the wing after stabbing Fenner, it was Nikki and Yvonne who kept the rest of them in order. There was something going on, something I couldn't put my finger on at the time, but whatever it was, Nikki and Yvonne sorted it out between them. Then, when I was on holiday, with Fenner, there was a riot. Helen had been made Governing Governor by this time. It resulted from a sit in that got out of control. Nikki organised the sit in, because a Nigerian woman with absolutely no grasp of the English language, had been put on G wing, without any possibility of anything resembling an interpreter. From what I could gather when I returned, the officers took advantage of this, to be a bit rougher with her than was really necessary. Nikki and the others were protesting against the way this woman had been treated, and were demanding fair conditions for her." When a broad, satisfied smile spread over John's face, Karen added, "I thought you'd like that. Anyway, Maxi Purvis and her sidekicks took the situation out of Nikki's hands, using it to their own advantage, which is why everything spiraled out of control." "How did it end?" "Nikki and Yvonne locked the Purvis sisters in their cell. The point is, she managed to deal with the problem, in a far more successful way than the officers would have dealt with it. They were all ready to go in with batons and riot shields, which could have resulted in an awful lot of damage to officers and inmates alike." "What management experience does she have?" John asked, thinking that maybe, just maybe Karen had something here, as outlandish as it sounded. "Before she ended up in Larkhall, she jointly ran a club with her partner for several years." "What sort of club?" John questioned guardedly. "A gay club, nothing either illegal or out of the ordinary. She still does run it, but I know she's on the look out for something new." "So, you think she might be ripe for the picking?" "Anything's possible. You think it's completely mental, don't you," She said, suddenly feeling unsure of her reasons. "Of course not," He said fondly. "But I think you need to be much clearer about your argument when you take it to area management. You need to tell them everything they need to know, leaving out anything that isn't necessary, and also leaving them no gaps to raise questions. They will have questions, lots of them, but if you get in first, you can refer them back to things you've already said." "Okay, but if I do that, really plan out what I'm going to say, will you look it over for me, because I'm beginning to think that a few months of your bar school tuition could come in handy." "It would be a pleasure," He said seriously. "I would have sincerely enjoyed the opportunity to teach you a thing or two." As he said this, their eyes met, the one powerful gaze sparking off the other. Karen could feel the electricity in the air between them, the tingle of anticipation that had so often called her to the bed of too many men of his kind. She took a sip of her wine to break the tension, but the action of her running her tongue along her top lip only fuelled his desire further. John didn't know why he suddenly wanted to make love to Karen, but he supposed it was because he wanted something beautiful, uncomplicated, and yet something that he knew. But Karen wasn't uncomplicated, not by any means, not where his sex life was concerned. Karen had put some soft music on earlier in the evening, and in the silence that ensued between them, they listened to the soft, crooning words of the singer. He found himself playing with a tendril of her hair, gently winding the strands around his finger, as he had so many women, Karen thought to herself. Karen could feel her body reacting to his sensual touch, but she knew she mustn't give into it. Yes, she did want him, right here, right now, but she knew it would only cause a whole host of problems. When his finger softly grazed her cheek, she had to rein in all her instincts, which were telling her to take advantage of what he was clearly offering her.
"Don't," She said softly, taking his wandering hand and imprisoning it in her own. "Why?" He asked, just as softly, entwining his fingers with hers. "I have just as good a memory as you, John," Karen said with a nervous laugh. "And considering that I haven't been to bed with a man since you, I can't say that your utterly transparent offer isn't extremely tempting. But I would end up regretting it, and so would you." John looked unconvinced. "I can't do that to George, or to Jo, not again," She clarified. "Not now, not as things stand." "I'm sorry," He said, the mention of Jo and George's names having brought him back down to earth. "You've no need to be," Karen told him, not wanting to hurt his feelings in the slightest. "Your occasional attraction will always be incredibly flattering to me, John, but with things being the way they are, close friendship is all there can ever be. However, you have, in a way, reminded me of the other thing I wanted to discuss with you tonight." "Oh, let me guess," He said defensively. "George." "Yes," Karen agreed. "Though not in the way you're expecting." "Now this I have to hear," He said dryly. "John, the argument you had with her, is absolutely none of my business," Karen told him clearly. "I think too much of both of you to even consider getting involved in that." "You've got no idea just how much I appreciate that," He said, a look of relief passing over his face. "I know some of the things I said were wrong, but that's what you do when you row with someone, that's what happens." "Yes, I know," She said fondly, feeling the pain emanating from his every pore. "And Jo seems to expect me to put it right, in a different way to that which has always proved successful on previous occasions." "John, what I need to talk to you about," Karen said carefully, wanting to get him off the subject of any recriminations. "Is why George does what she does." "You know why," He told her impatiently. "Because of what happened with Charlie, at least that's where it started." "That's only a recurring trigger, it's not the actual cause. John, do you have any idea what Anorexia actually is? I mean, do you know why it isn't George's fault that she does what she does, and why she feels as low as she did last weekend?" "I probably don't know as much as I should do after all these years," He admitted. "So, enlighten me."
"As I try and explain this to you," Karen said carefully. "It might be better if you try not to think of it in relation to George. I will try to establish what it means with respect to George, but I think you need to understand it clinically and impersonally, before you try to fit her into any particular category." John took this seriously, because Karen spoke as though she knew what she was talking about. "Did you deal with this when you were nursing?" He asked, guessing that this was where her knowledge had sprung from. "Yes. The first thing to realise with any addiction is that there needs to be a genetic predisposition to it. It doesn't mean that the same addiction would run in a family, though that obviously does happen. There then needs to be a trigger, some traumatic event that sends the addict's world spinning out of control. This can be anything from bereavement to the loss of employment. The third and final contributory factor, is for the person to discover what works for them, to stumble on the one thing that keeps them feeling vaguely sane. With some it's alcohol, others it's drugs, and with others, it can be starving themselves. Now, if you think about Anorexia specifically, it's usually about control. If a person's emotional state is out of control, or they are going through various life altering circumstances that are beyond their control, the one thing that does remain within their own personal jurisdiction, is their eating. Nobody can force them to eat, so they don't, purely and simply because it appears to be the one thing they can control. They become adept at concealing their little bouts of not eating, coming up with never-ending excuses, all of which could actually be true." "George used to tell me she'd eaten with Charlie, before I got home from work." "That's no surprise. It becomes second nature to them, when you ask when they last ate, to give you the wrong answer. George did that to me last week, and only later on did I get the truth out of her. It's very common for someone with Anorexia to become an expert in food, rigorously counting every calorie they eat, which is usually followed by the mental distortion of assuming they aren't as thin as they actually are. Thankfully, George doesn't appear to have gone that far. The point is, once they've discovered that it works as a coping mechanism, it becomes a way of life. One of the best surgeons I ever worked with, once described it to me as the intrinsic desire to destroy oneself. This is primarily because the pain inside them hasn't ever been resolved. Yes, they've found a way to control it, but they haven't found a way of banishing it. John, you mustn't ever be cross with her for doing what she does, because to some extent, she can't help it. I think that George's first life changing trauma, was when her mother died." "And have you noticed that that's the only thing she never ever talks about?" "Yes, which means that it's the most unresolved issue she has. Unless she is persistently forced, which would likely cause far more harm than good, I don't think she ever will deal with it. I can't really comment on the whys and wherefores of when she occasionally did it at school, because I don't know enough about that, but with Charlie, I think she did subconsciously want to destroy herself. She couldn't forgive herself for not loving her own daughter, so slowly starving herself to death appeared to be her only option. Your forgiveness and understanding wouldn't have made all that much difference. Then, when your marriage went through its various phases of not going to plan, she kept returning to the one thing that made her feel human again. So, whenever anything greatly upsets or confuses her, she will take it up again. It's not a conscious decision on her part, she doesn't simply wake up one morning and decide to starve herself. It's a far more engrained reaction than that. Just as I automatically reach for a cigarette, or you automatically pick up a woman, George will automatically avoid food. The row she had with you did upset her enormously, as I'm sure it did you, which meant that her old prop came out of hiding. I'm not sure what sent her down hill quite so quickly, but then I know very little of what was said between you. All I do know is that she loves you more than anyone, and she always will. I might be wrong, but I think she thought that if she couldn't live up to what you wanted, there wasn't much point in existing. I know that probably hurts you a great deal to know that she felt like that, but I think you need to know why. I'm not going to tell you to put it right, because most of it, you can't, and as for the rest, only you can decide how you deal with that. But I suppose I just wanted to explain to you, exactly what she almost certainly goes through on a daily basis. Yes, most of the time, she does remain within a barely acceptable weight, but that takes effort on her part, I know it does. George might appear as though she is eating lunch, or dinner, or whatever with you in a perfectly normal, amicable fashion, but she isn't. Every single day, she will go through the internal battle of whether she will eat, or whether she won't. The most important thing you can do is not to blame her for it. On the whole, George does extremely well to stay as healthy as she does. I know that you've found it extremely difficult to stay faithful to Jo and George over the last eighteen months. They may not say so very often, but it hasn't gone unnoticed. What you need to understand, is that George has just as hard a fight on her hands as you do. Yours is to stay out of other women's beds, including mine, and George's is to stop herself from giving up altogether. You need help in staying on the wagon, which is why you have both Jo and George to keep you occupied, and partly why you have me to talk to when you want someone a little more removed from the situation. In her turn, George has the kind of support Jo gave her last weekend, and whatever she wants from me and from you at other times. Just occasionally, we all need someone who isn't as close as George is to you, or as you are to Jo, because they can usually offer a different perspective on things. Last weekend, George needed someone she didn't need to be quite so afraid of hurting. Even you've done that before, such as on the day of Lauren's verdict when you told me exactly what you thought of my involvement with George. Yes, you went a little too far and yes, it did hurt me, but it was far safer and much easier for you to risk hurting me, than to even think of doing the same to George."
John was quiet for a long, long time after Karen finished speaking, taking in every word she'd said. Eventually, he ran his hands through his hair, and said, "How do I put this right?" "Other than telling her how much you love her, and actually meaning it instead of its being the precursor to making love, I don't know. I can't tell you how to convince George of your love for her, because we all have our different ways of doing that." "I can't believe she nearly left me last weekend," He said, again revealing the true depth of his pain at the thought. Moving closer to him, Karen put her arms round him, recognising the need for comfort from an uncomplicated source. "She nearly left me too, John," She told him, her face very close to his. "And I don't suppose I dealt with it any better than anyone else might have done. On Monday evening when she came back here, I asked her if she knew exactly what might have happened to her if she really had taken those pills." "And did she?" "No, so I told her, hopefully in enough detail to stop her from considering it again, but I doubt it. This isn't going to go away, John. Yes, she can deal with it, and she can live with it, but sometimes she will feel as bad as she did last weekend. You need to get used to that." "Thank you," He said, "for explaining it to me. As painful as it is, I think I needed to hear that." They were back to being just friends again, Karen realised with sincere relief, back to normal, at least for the time being.