Facing the Loss

Sirius never remembered blacking out, and as he opened his eyes to find a blurry ceiling with a number of unfamiliar faces, his confusion escalated. He tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. His body wouldn't respond to the demands of his brain, leaving him frustrated and vulnerable.

And Sirius did not like being vulnerable.

"He's awake," he heard a healer say all of a sudden. "His ears are still sensitive from the blast, but if you speak quietly he may be able to hear you."

Who was he talking to? Sirius tried to move his head but found that it was braced against something. He couldn't move his arms or legs either. For a moment, Sirius wondered if his head was even attached to his own body anymore.

The healers and nurses left, leaving him, he assumed, alone in the hospital room.

'Wait!' his mind screamed. 'Wait! Where's Harry?'

Of course no one could hear him. He was alone. Sighing, Sirius started to close his eyes when another voice sounded form the corner of the room.

"Do you think we should leave? He may need more rest."

It was Tonks!

Sirius' eyes shot open again. His gaze bolted from left to right, trying to find the source of that voice. Fighting against the restraints of his body, he was able to catch a glimpse of a head of hot pink hair. She was on his right, but another face came into focus from his left. Remus.

"Sirius, can you hear me?"

For the first time, he was able to make a sound. It was little more than a grunt, but it was something. And since he couldn't move his head more than a fraction of a centimeter, it was the only response he could give to any who were in the room now with him.

Remus seemed to understand well enough. He nodded, his pale features losing some of their edginess.

"Sirius, do you know what has happened?"

He lay still in his bed, blank faced. What had happened? Why, was something wrong? He closed his eyes, trying to recall the events from his last few minutes of consciousness. He had been running toward Harry's room. He had opened the door and...that was it. Everything had exploded around him and that was the last he knew.

Harry's room had exploded...Harry's room...Harry!

Sirius' eyes opened and glared questioningly at his friend.

Remus sighed.

"Harry wasn't in the room, Sirius," he said at length. "He was gone before you even got to the door."

Gone? Gone where?

"They got him, Sirius."

Months of pain and self torture returned to him with those three words. "They got him." Everything seemed to spin in his head. How? Why? To what purpose?

Why couldn't they have just been left alone? Why couldn't Voldemort find a new toy to play with? A new person to torture? Why did it always have to boil down to Harry?

"No..." Sirius hissed, the first words he'd spoken since waking. Tears streamed from his unblinking eyes, the only sign that he was feeling anything at all. Sirius was suddenly lost in a void that he could not rescue himself from. Harry was gone. That was it. There would certainly be no getting him back this time. Harry was lost. It was over.

"Sirius, I'm sorry," Tonks was hovering over him now, tears in her own eyes. "I'm so, so very sorry..."

Remus lifted a hand on her shoulder in comfort. "Perhaps it is best that we should leave."

She nodded, her face resting in her hands as she walked out the door. Remus followed with one last look over his shoulder at the broken man that was his only friend.

So much pain. So much torture, and so much loss. Of course, Remus understood all these things. There had been a very long and tormenting period in his own life when he believed he had nothing to live for as well. James, dead. Peter, dead. Sirius guilty for all of it. The people he had known and cared for were either gone, or not worth remembering.

How empty he had felt then.

And suddenly it had all returned to him. Sirius was innocent and Peter, alive, was to blame for the deaths of James and Lily. So much joy had filled his heart that day, and so much grief, for even as he had gained his one true friend back, he had lost him once more to a chase between authorities and fugitive.

After a while, it seemed as though he were on his own all over again.

The Dumbledore had called the Order back, and life had taken a new turn. It was almost like old times.

Suddenly, here they were again. Facing loss unbearable and knowing that there was little they could do to stop it. They were losing this war, and they were losing their loved ones.

Remus sighed.

'If only James and Lily were here.'

Numb.

That's all Sirius knew at this moment.

There was nothing in his heart. Nothing in his head accept for a void that he did not care to find an escape from.

Of course, he assumed this was it. This was the edge of his sanity. One more push and he was done for.

So, what to do with this last grasp on reality?

Revenge.

It was all that was left to a man like him. Revenge. The destruction of those who had destroyed him in turn. Why not? And when that last link was finished, he could sink away into whatever cold oblivion awaited him.

Yes, that seemed like the only path that he could take now.

The only path.

"I...will....avenge!" He growled against the pain.

After a week in cooperative therapy, Sirius was out of Mungos with a Doctor's warning against anything that was too draining on his body. This, of course, was not a factor that Sirius was concerned with. He had his mind set on what these next few days, months, weeks, or however long he had left to live, would be focused on.

Revenge.

He sat stiff faced and unresponsive at an Order Meeting on the first of September, listening to the words of Mad Eye Moody and Severus Snape.

"We have in an inkling as to where they may be headed," Moody started after a very long informative speech on the whereabouts of a few unimportant young Death Eaters that had newly gained a status amongst Voldemort's ranks. It was really nothing that interested Sirius, so he sat listening with very little to say. "We're certain that they've got another stronghold in Ireland, and we've been given reports of Owls being sent as far as France and Scotland to, we would assume, converse with others."

"So the plan is?" Tonks asked with a yawn. This was standard procedure at the meetings these days. A Death Eater here, a few gatherings there, and eventually someone would get a few hairs singed. What everyone really wanted was a good challenge. And a chance to bring down some of the more notable Death Eaters.

"The plan," Snape growled. "Is to counter them and bring them to the proper authorities."

"As is the plan every time we have one of these damned meetings," complained Arthur Weasley. He received a glare from his wife after having cussed, but he brushed it off. Things were growing tense with the Weasley's these days, as were they with many.

No one would admit why.

"We need to start acting as more than just the bloody militia! Bringing in three or four new recruits isn't doing anything for us. You-know-who is packing them in by the hundreds! We need to do more!"

"And what would you suggest we do, Weasley?" Sneered Snape.

Arthur went silent, not knowing what to do or say now. Apparently he hadn't expected that there would be a reaction to his words.

"As I thought," Snape went on. "Now, as I was saying--"

"We hit them where we think they're greatest."

All heads stopped and turned to consider the silent wraith at the end of the table. Sirius was still staring unaffected into some deep oblivion of his own mind, but he was responsive. More so than he had been in a while.

"I...I beg your pardon?"

Sirius looked up, a mad gleam in his eyes that caused those closest to him to inch away a bit.

"We're not doing this cavalry stuff anymore. If you want to make a difference, we barrel in where the thick is thickest and wipe them out."

"Can't do it, Sirius," Moody growled. He recognized that gleam in Sirius' eyes as the plea of a desperate man. He'd seen it many times before in the faces of others. "We can't risk the Order like that."

"Then send an assault team," Sirius reasoned. "If no one is willing to lead them, I will."

"Sirius," Remus began, but he was cut off.

"You're mad!" Severus spit, throwing a bunch of scrolls over his shoulder and stiffening. His eyes hardened on Sirius, and his lips tightened into a thin frown. "You can't do that!"

"Says who?" Sirius matched Severus' glare easily. "Who are you to say what I can and cannot do?"

"Have reason, will you?"

"For what purpose?"

"For your sanity, man!"

Neither of them noticed that their voices had been raised to near shouts at this time. The others simply watched as this situation escalated. They all understood where Sirius was coming from, but few could defy Snape's logic. Regardless of the situation at hand, they could not foolishly throw themselves away for something as miniscule as revenge.

"We can't just sit here and do nothing!" Sirius yelled.

"We are NOT--" came a voice from the entrance, "doing nothing."

All went silent and still, turning their gazes toward Albus Dumbledore. His visage was stern and unforgiving. His body was rigid with anger, and great bags had formed beneath his eyes. The image of Albus Dumbledore, looking so aged and tired, was a reminder to all of them that this was not a personal battle. Even Sirius realized this after seeing the man in such a haphazard state.

"And that will never be the case. Sirius, you will get you revenge, but for now you must be patient."

A seething rage built up within Sirius at that moment. Swiftly, he approached Albus as though to verbally challenge the man, but with the wave of a withered hand Sirius backed down, realizing his foolishness with shame.

"Patience, Sirius," he warned again. "Rash actions will lead to rash conclusions."

Sirius growled, indignantly forcing himself back into his seat.

For the remainder of the meeting, everyone save Dumbledore avoided eye contact with him. The meeting was adjourned an hour later and Sirius went home feeling heavy hearted and hopeless.

All right well, I hope that was satisfactory enough for now. I'll try and get something up again soon, but I don't know how long it might take me. I'm being offered an opportunity for publication for some of my poetry, but I have to submit a new piece within the next seven days otherwise the offer goes to another author.

Wish me luck, everyone! (smiles)