From: Gearoid
To: Maggot
Subject: A stick up my butt and alien spam
Holy CRAP but I think I got a big fuckin' stick up my ass! I was watering those fuckers and I felt this thing grope me like I groped my first girlfriend, 'cept I don't got the slot to take a lot. I swear to god that sucker tried to crawl up there and set up housekeeping! Dr. TNA says I'm imagining it but I didn't see things like that on pot, let alone watering plants. Course, probly didn't help that I was watching the bazoongas bouncing at the time. You thought I could count high with 29? Lemme tell ya, this babe got an easy 80 double dribbles that had me drooling like no tomorrow. The LT says I backed into that fuckin' plant trying to get a better look but I know the truth. Those plants are pervs. Ancient pervert plants.
I'm trying to get you those pics of LT SFB but Herkimer's holding us up for 'em. I swear he wants blow jobs fore he'll let you get a copy. Speaking of blow jobs, did you get spammed too? I swear to god, what the hell do you need to do to stop those fuckers? I logged on and found fifty mails selling me Pegasus Penis Preps, not that I need anything to make this beefy burrito any bigger than it is. The babes like it just the way it is.
And maybe the LT isn't so damn bad after all. I heard the Big Broad, you know, She Who Must Be Obeyed told Ford she hopes he finds some pretty smelling flowers out there, him and old Stick-up-his-Ass. I figure SUHA is gonna be sending HairBoy out looking for perfume for Her Highness to keep him busy. Damn, never thought I'd feel sorry for one a them but the guy's got funny lookin' hair AND an officer on his ass. Least I got good hair.
What IS it with these people and hair anyway? You got HairBoy, and Stick-Man looks like a lawnmower ran over his head, then there's that asshole you work for. Thank god that shithead McKay's still got his hair. I can see him screaming for alien Rogaine now. That'd blow. That'd seriously blow.
Hey, that alien chick started coming down here to talk to Dr. TNA. I think she's checking me out. Looking for some tang for her alien poon . . . I think I caught her eyeing my ass the other day. Maybe I'll go wear skins and boogie where the wild things are.
Boob tube, test tube, you're just all tied UP in tubes, yeah?
Gearoid.
Original Message
From: Melvin
To: Gearhead
Subject: Re: sticks and spam
First off, you got groped by a plant? Excuse me as I go to laugh my ass off! Second, I think the only reason that alien was checking you out was because you might have something growing back there that don't belong. You might want to let doctor TNA have a look, if you know what I mean. Besides, if you have alien pervo plants trying to get lucky wih you, the least she can do is give you a full checkout. Er, check up. Speaking of which, you're not the only one getting those dame adds. But I had one yesterday for sexy, big built men! I'm not fucking gay! And even if I were, which I'm not, I wouldn't tell you anyway. But it was just the one. I think when I ordered that gag blow up doll for the Colonel it tagged me as a grade A pervert. Maybe we should send he sight to one of your pants. Or better yet, send a picture of your big old burrito. I mean, the poor girls have to get a laugh some how, right? 80 ping pongs? Holy shit! Why the hell am I stuck down here with Freakazoid, while you get the babe with built in life preservers? Set her adrift, and she'll float home! Ahh, damn, the LT is here. I have to get back to sucking ass and blowing tubes. I hope your day gets better, because mine sure as hell isn't. And if another of those creepy vines tries to get to fourth base with you, make sure it buys you a drink first. We do have our standards. And keep trying to get me those pictures!
Maggot