From: Gearoid

To: Maggot

Subject: More What the fuck?

Hoooly crap have I got the headache from hell. And my dick is sore, which is good, and my butt is sore, which is not. Doc Beckett's been eyeing me funny and asking me about kinky shit like whether I put plants up my ass. Don't you laugh! I know you sent me something but I can't see straight yet. Never thought I'd be glad they made me learn to touch type.

I heard that babe from botany (those weirdos from anthro call her Botany Babe. I do NOT wanna ask!). She doesn't sound so hot when she's puking. Course, the up side is the LT is puking too. Me, I woke up on the balcony hopping along and splashing into puddles and the LT was singing "Cause I'm a Woman". I thought I was gonna shit a brick when I looked up to see him naked, swinging his dick around and singing "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan." Course, soon as I figured out what I was seeing I really started to puke, which is truly crappy since I got too sick to get my camera or I'da been sending you candids of LTSFB doing Aretha. Or maybe doing U-rethra, know what I mean? So that's when Colonel Sumner showed up and nearly took the top off my head shouting about how we were a disgrace to the uniform. Course, Herkimer pointed out that we'd a had to be IN our uniforms before we could disgrace 'em, and since we were all buck naked out there that wasn't really an issue. Course then Sandoval says we're the ugliest damn collection of mugs and slugs and butts he's ever seen and we'd all be court martialed for human rights abuses just being out there like that where people could see us. Bout then I couldn't decide if I was gonna laugh myself to death or throw up my toenails. That's when they hauled our asses to med and Doc B's been a happy little vampire since then. He keeps talking about novel hallucinogenics but if I ever saw a novel like that I'd a read the whole library. Man, I never thought I'd be tired of looking at babes but right now I just want to go sleep somewhere that ain't got nurses with needles and carts and shit.

Gearoid

From: Maggot

To: Gearhead

Subject: Shoulda coulda . . .

I should say I told you so, but that just doesn't seem to cover it today. And you didn't read my last email, so I guess you can be forgiven. A word of advice for the future, Gearhead? Stay away from the pervo plants, pscyho doctors, and weird dead things. Trust me on this one. In fact, I'll tell ya to your face once you wake up. Did you know that you snore like a wounded donkey? Anyway, it sucks about not getting the pictures, but I'm still waiting on the ones from the shithouse. Just hope that nobody had the same bright idea while you were playing bounce the balls with the upper echelon. Wouldn't want my friend to get black mailed, would I? And, in case you wake up before I do, the reason I'm in the bed next to you is because, well, look at me! People should not be blue! And if you even think of getting out that damn camera... Let me just say this: AIT, second week, Drill Sgt. Bitch Titties. Get the hint? But hey, besides the dark circles under your eyes, the strange bruises which I'm afraid to ask about, and the total lack of clothes, which, let me tell you, is not a good look for you, you look pretty good. We should get together more often. Just, when you don't have the hangover from hell and I'm not blue and tingly. Anyway, I lost feeling in my hand about three sentences ago, so I'm signing off. I'll talk to you when you wake up. And remember, no pictures of the blue man! I'm not part of that comedy group!

Maggot

A/N Comedy group: Blue Man Group.

And all you guys who let us know we're endangering your keyboards making you laugh with stuff in your mouth, thank you and some virtual paper towels going out for ya! We LOVE feedback, laughs, and even death threats. I know I used to collect death threats . . . my favorites were the ones involving used lederhosen and polka bands. Shudder!

And yes, TBC . . .