From: Gearhead
To: Maggot
Subject: Whoa whoa WOAD!

You know you sleep on your gut? I woke up and oh my gawd I think I nearly crapped! Maggot, I'm taping this to your back with that tape the nurses say won't pull off hair but damn, I think it pulled off half the hair on my ass when I needed stitches that time for sitting down on Sgt. BT's entrenching tool. You know, that's sitting down as in that time you and me got wasted in town on leave? I think it was her entrenching tool. Mighta been her abs cause that bitch was CUT. She had a six pack bigger than Arnold's. So anyway, I needed to test the tape thing and that's why you got it on your back spelling out "SHAVE ME!"

But that's beside the point. The point is . . . what the fuck did you do to be feeling soooo blue? I woke up and took a look at you and grabbed Schauer, you know, the nurse that dead lifts down in the gym, cause when I saw you I figured I'd od'd on Viagra and better do something about it fast. Too bad she did something about it to me first. You owe me for that.

I tell ya, Beckett says you got something called Woad. I dunno what that is but it means you're blue. He just shakes his head and talks about savages and Woad. I didn't know you were Irish, man. Hey, you're in good company, you and me should figure out how to brew some good beer and maybe we can get the kitchen pukes to figure out how to do corned beef and cabbage on St. P's day. I hate the shit but I gotta hold up tradition here. I never thought blue was Irish or anything but that's what Beckett says and he'd know, being sorta like that himself.

That botany babe keeps looking at me across the room, Maggot! Oh christ oh christ she just made kissy faces at me! You know, the ones that make 'em look like dead fish but that mean goood things? Damn, I hope the LT doesn't wake up cause he'd just ruin what could be a very, very good . . . crap. Beckett just shot another loada stuff into her IV. I like the guy and all but his timing SUCKS. Course, now that I think about it, the little sergeant and his two privates is still feeling a bit chafed. I dunno what the hell I did . . . hold on. Here comes Doc B.

Oh shit. Oh shit. It's like, hours later and I just got done puking. Again. I am NEVER gonna get laid again. I swear to god I don't think the little guy'll ever recover from what I heard. And you can forget the pics of the LT. I don't want to have to think about the man again after what Beckett says we did. Jesus fucking christ in a muumuu riding a skateboard! I am gonna need therapy. Thank god that Heightmeyer broad came along and I don't think I even wanna look at her tits. I'm swearin' off sex for the rest of my life! Jesus CHRIST! Ewwwww!

Gearoid!

From: Maggot
To: Gearhead
Subject: Re: Whoa whoa WOAD!

Ummm, where to begin? How about...OOOOOWWWWWW! You bastard! It wasn't bad enough you spelled ass with suntan lotion on my chest that last time we went to the beach, but that tape? Well, I'm sure electrolosis is unecessary. I doubt that hair will ever grow back! I think the nurse ripped out roots that haven't even been born yet. Oh, woops, guess you don't want to hear about roots, huh? I can still hear you in the bathroom. Again. Good Gods, man how many times can you puke in an hour anyway?

However, after what skuttlebutt says you did with the LT and, well, some pervo plants, I can't really blame you. I think I'd be puking, too, if I were you. However, you might want to reconsider that little bit about swearing off sex. I just saw the botany babe giving you the eye before you high taled it to the latrine. Even the sound of you hurling doesn't seem to be turning her off. And I have to admit, she's got some tits. And I bet she can think of something to sooth Mr. Macho and tame the vapid beast.

Ahhh, Doc Biro (ain't that European for a pen or something?) just took my recent donation to the blood bank. Apparently, the blue goo had a bad reaction to me. Um, ya think? She can't say when I'm going to turn back to normal, which sucks for me, because honestly, who wants to get it on with a giant smurf? I think we need to look further into the beer and corned beef and cabbage. Actually, skip the food, just give us the beer! I don't know about you, but I need to get drunk. Falling down, face numbing, mind dumbing drunk!

I think I'm gonna get the hell out of here and hide in my room until I stop looking like a Saturday morning cartoon. Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own for now. I'm sure the botany babe will be happy to take care of you. If anyone asks, you have no idea where I am! I'll make it worth your while, I swear. Talk at you later, Gee

Maggot

A/N: In the research department, we carefully review your Bottom Feeders for accuracy in all but spelling. In the interests of educational internet usage, we happily provide a link to Pvt. Murphy's Law at Enjoy!

TBC, mwahahahah . . .