My Life with Zelda, or: My Date With Zelda, the Series
***
I like fish. They're delicious.
Then again, I like lawyers. I had a lawyer one. He was delicious too.
So I like fish, and I like lawyers. So it would follow that I like fish with lawyers.
And yet, I hate fish with lawyers.
I mean, one time, I had this fish, and it sued me. I mean I gave it all the food it could possibly want. I even gave it fancy sparkling wine instead of water, so it'd be happy.
Wait that might have been in a dream. Yeah. Dream.
Unless... nope, dream.
Which leads directly to my other point. Licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets.
That's why I propose that we build some sort of interstellar rocket to find these planets, and explain to them how wrong they are.
I mean I do all my badger licking after 5 PM. They only come out after 5 PM anyway. What are those other planets thinking, anyway?
It is probably very cold in space. I'd bring a jacket. Also a flashlight. It's really dark there.
The ship would be constructed of the finest weeds and twigs available. It would have a reinforced hull made from rocks to survive the rigors of atmospheric reentry. Also it would be green. Green things are cool.
The velocity required to escape from gravity would come from a giant slingshot.
Maybe Zelda could build it for me. She's got, like, a million Rupees. One time, she went to a restaurant, and she bought two of everything on the menu, and then ate it all, and the restaurant had to go out of business. Then Zelda danced the can-can on top of a giant mushroom.
Wait that was a dream too.
But I won't let that fact dissuade me. I'm going to propose that we build the spaceship right now.
"ZZEEELLLLLLLLLLLDA! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLDA!"
Oh, that's right. I'm in my tree house now.
Better yell louder.
Wait, no time for that! I just got a brilliant idea!
You know how when you really want something to happen, it never does? Well, just wish that the opposite of what you actually want to happen would happen! Like, "I don't want a ham sandwich to fall from the sky right now." I'll bet a ham sandwich will be falling on my head any second now.
Any second.
Aaaaaaaaaaaany second.
Anyway, I know what's best for everyone.
Why? Because I'm smarter than everyone.
Like, the poor street urchins who live in Hyrule Market Town are starving. If I were them, I would eat some food. Maybe buy a house.
And if you have rats infesting your house, you should maybe make the rats go away. I mean, it's so simple, but no one seems to realize it but me.
I guess I'm a genius. Zelda called me an idiot savant. I think that means something good, but maybe not.
Hey! Maybe if I stand on my head, all the intelligence that's sitting uselessly in my feet will flow down into my brain!
Nope. Not feeling any smarter. I do feel a great deal of blood pooling in my head though...
You know, I'm going to go visit Zelda. I have so many great ideas to tell her.
Like, this one. If you want to have more time in your day to have fun, just set the clocks backwards.
And also, I've figured out you can travel into the future. Really, it's easy. First, go into the kitchen and get a bag of potato chips. Then start eating the potato chips. Keep eating for an hour. Little do you know that all around you, time is hurtling by, spiraling behind you in a chronological wake, disappearing into oblivion at the astounding rate of 1 second per second. By the time you've eaten chips for an hour, you'll be almost a whole sixty minutes in the future. In fact, if you eat the chips for a decade, you might go a whole 10 years ahead! Isn't it cool?
And another thing. The easiest way to clean a toilet is to let chaos theory clean it. According to chaos theory, if you wait long enough, eventually your toilet will become clean. Like, a tiny hurricane could occur over your toilet. Or some person could come in and clean it for no apparent reason. I've adhered to this principle for my whole life, and it's worked perfectly. Same with my bed. And the rest of my house.
Well, here we are. Man, Zelda lives in one nice-ass house. I can't wait 'till chaos theory gives me a house like that.
*ding-dong*
"Hello? Who's th.AAAAAAAAAAH!"
"What, Zelda? It's just me, Link."
"I KNOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Is this a bad time?"
She sighs. She does that a lot. I can't figure out why. "No...come in..."
We sit down in this huge couch. It's like, the size of my whole house. Really soft too...
"So Link, what is it this time?"
"Nothing sweetie! Just want to talk!"
"Oh God..."
"Ahem." It feels weird to clear my throat. Kinda good actually.
"Ahem. Ahem." She's giving me that look again. Does she like it? I guess so. Maybe it's kinda a turn-on or something.
"Ahhhhem. Hwaaak. Ghhhaaak. Hwgaaggagaga. Hrrrruuuk hoooooooock."
Was she disgusted? Or was it lust?
Wow, at the rate I'm going, she'll be all over me in a minute now.
Good thing I'm wearing my dating boxers. Yeah!
It's not working. Oh well, I guess my prodigious intellect will have to win her over.
"Zelda, I've been thinking..."
She mutters something. It kinda sounds like "well, there's a first time for everything" but I think it sounded more like "go on my sweet hunka man- meat."
So I will.
Man, is this couch ever soft. Sitting down it's up to my shoulders. This is kinda creepy...
Time to turn on the charm.
"Did you know that licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets?"
There's that look again. Man, what does that mean? I think it means she's enthralled by what I'm saying.
"Link, I'm not even going to dignify that with..."
"And that's not right, is it hunnybuns?"
"Sigh...no..."
"Therefore, I propose we construct a spaceship in order to fly to those planets and let them see the error in their ways."
Man, this couch is scary. Ummm... help...
"This 'space-ship' as I call it, will be muumpphhhh..."
HELP! THE COUCH IS CONSUMING ME! My only hope is to summon animal friends with my telepathic...oh right, I don't have superpowers.
Yet.
Anyway, I'm going to pass out from asphyxiation now, but don't go anywhere.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ DOODELYDOODELYDOODELY~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"GHACK! COUGH! SPUTTER!"
I'm alive!
"I gotta say, that's the first person I've ever seen nearly drown in a couch..."
"Yeah...He was saying something about a spaceship and then...just sank."
Zelda? Izzat you? Who's that other voice?
Hey, I drowned? Did someone give me rescue breathing?
Damn! Zelda gave me mouth to mouth! Sweet! Drowning is cool. I ought to try that again sometime.
"Is he better?"
"I don't know, I'd better give him more breaths..."
Hey, that didn't sound like Zelda...
I open my eyes.
AAAAAAGGGGGH! RAURU!?!?!?
Pthuh! Gag! Wash my tongue!
"Oh thank goodness! Link, you're ok!"
"I need some lye..."
"Umm...right...Anyway, thanks Rauru, you've once again saved Link from his own incompetence..."
Incompetence? What is that? Is that the word for "man-eating couch?"
Guess so.
"So, Zelda, shall we sit down? Anywhere but on the...incompetence."
"Oh God, Link, why? Why must I be seen with you?"
She's astounded by my vocabumalary. No, wait, she's sobbing quietly. Hmm.
We sit on a different couch. Hope it's not incompetent.
"Sigh...so, Link, you were saying something about a space ship and badgers..."
Hmm...I'm starting to get the sighing thing. When she sighs, she wants me to stop talking about that subject.
Oh no! I must have been boring her!
"I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
"Sorry about what?"
"I'm sorry that I bored you so much you cried."
"It's not that, it's just...I guess..."
Oh! She's in love with me! And...crying...for some reason. I guess her emotions got the better of her.
"I love you, Zelda..."
"Aw commere, my lunkheaded love..."
Score! From being bored to tears to smoochy-face in like thirty seconds!
"I just wish you could be just a little more..."
Brief? Concise? Succinct? I will...
"I can change...I'm so sorry for being...you know..."
"It's just so hard to live with your gross incompetence..."
I'm a what now? An all-consuming couch? Oh well, best not to argue with her. She's even smarter than me. I mean she got like a 1600 on the Essay Tees or something. Wait, maybe incompetent means boring. Maybe the couch was so boring, my I hallucinated that I was being eaten by it. Yeah. My brain would do that. I hate my brain. But it does give me some great ideas.
"I'm so sorry...I want you to be happy, so whenever I'm being...umm...incompetent, just tell me."
"Oh Link, I love you...you're so stupidly loveable."
Loveable! Yes!
"So, what were you going to say?"
"Well, never mind, I'm sure that it was going to be incompetent."
"Awww.well, what should we talk about?"
"What do you want to talk about?"
Yes. Get the obligation off my chest. I don't have the faintest on what to do.
"Well...today I had tax reforms and put down a peasant revolt. How was your day?"
Did I put down any peasant revolts today? Naaah. Don't think so. How about tax reforms? Well, I don't know anyone named Reforms, so I guess I couldn't have taxed him. Or her. Or it.
"Well, I ate mayonnaise."
"Fascinating."
"I get a lot of good ideas while I eat mayonnaise. Want to hear?"
"Well, ok...I'll tell you if they're incompetent, 'mkay dear?"
"Umm, okay. So, I have a great idea for revolutionizing the Hyrulian military."
"Really? Tell me."
"Ready?"
"Yeah!"
"Nuclear falafel guns!"
"Whaa?"
Uh-oh. I think I might be acting incompetent. Ok, better win her over.
"Wait, hear me out. First the chickpeas are bathed in molten tungsten. Then they are irradiated with hummus treated with uranium-258. Once loaded into a paintball gun the chickpeas can reach a velocity of over 300 feet per second and will be able to pierce straight through a human body. The radiation would then turn the hapless victim into jelly!"
"Oh, for the love of..."
"Man, getting shot by that motherpucker would be like jumping in a swimming pool full of hydrochloric acid!"
"Well actually, that would work...I suppose I could think...WAIT! WHAT AM I SAYING? Being with you is lowering my IQ!"
I'm lowering her what? Her Irritation Quarter? Wow! She's been really stressed lately. Especially when I'm around. Well, maybe that'll change now. I mean, she knows best about her own Irrigation Quart.
"Oh Link."
"Yes, honey?"
"Lesson one. Nuclear falafel guns are incompetent."
Oh no! Really? Man, I thought that was the most riveting thing I'd ever thought of.
"My bad, baby..."
"It's all right, just talk about something else. But wait, I need a drink to get through this...Want something?"
Hmm...I thought she said I shouldn't have drinks. Something about bars. Mmmm...bar...
I think the last time I had a drink was when she had a pool party and I wore her dresses.
I was pretty.
But embarrassed later.
Ok. I have a good conversation starter.
"You know what's really useful?"
"No, what?"
She's got liquor. We're saved!
"Words that sound like obscenities but are really perfectly clean. Like, 'flocculation.' It's when sewage clumps together. Did you know that?"
"Well...no, I guess..."
She rolls her eyes. Then drinks. All of it.
Yikes.
"Or, 'Shitake mushrooms.' Or, 'Shiite Muslims.' My favorite is 'obituary.'"
"Hee hee Link, you're right!"
Wow! Genuine interest!
"Like, 'I dropped my keys in the lake! O-bituary!'"
She's giggling strangely. I don't really know why.
Maybe if I drink this champagne really fast I'll be giggly too.
I love to giggle. It's fun.
"Know any, Zelly baby?"
"I dun think so. Want sommore sham-pag-nee?"
"Hee hee...shampagnee."
"'Mkay, here. So what else you got?"
"Well, I've realized something. If you drink a soda, then jump up and down a lot, I bet it'll get all fizzy and shoot out your nose."
"Damn! Cool! We gotta try thagt!"
Wow! Zelda is neat! She's finally opening up to me.
"Ok, got any soda?"
"Sure, I gots some Royal Crown Cola in the fridge."
We go to the kitchen. She drinks another champagne. Hmm... something odd here.
Oh well.
She drinks a soda. And starts jumping.
Ooooooh yeah baby. Man. I just can't stop staring at her big, bouncy...
Eyebrows. Fuck, man, I've got such a hard-on! Damn that's embarrassing. But I just can't stop it...those ample, soft, bouncing...eyebrows...up and down...up and down... *drool drool*
Aww, she stopped.
*BELLLCH!*
"Holy Shiite Link! 'Scuze me..."
Fuckin' jeebus! She's even good at belching! I bet she could have won that belching contest I did awhile back.
Damn, that's sexy. I like a girl who can do that easily.
Eyebrows...belching...fuck, she's perfect.
She's leaning waaaaaaaaay over. I have an amazing view of the big hills and valleys of her sumptuous, voluptuous, curvy...eeeeeeeyeeeeebrows...
"Hey loverboy, wanna you an me go flocculate?"
Really? We should go and clump together in a sewer?
No wait...
Is she coming on to me?
"Lez go upstairs eh?"
All righty!
~ ~ ~ ~ Some time later...~ ~ ~ ~
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
I wake bolt upright in bed. In more ways than one, heh heh...I had a great big...cowlick. I always get cowlicks. What, did you think I was going to say something different? What? Oh, never mind.
There's Zelda. In the bed. Next to me. And she's NEKKID! AND NUDE! WITH NO CLOTHES ON! HELL'S BELLS!
"Link, are you all right? You were mumbling about fish and lawyers. I think you were..."
She pauses. She looks at her totally nekkid self. And my totally nekkid self. We're totally nekkid. Did we join a nudist colony or something? I can't remember real good. My head kinda hurts.
Once I made my own nudist colony. No one joined. So it was mostly me sitting naked in my tree. But the pea sponge baths were sooooooo sweet.
Anyway, Zelda doesn't look so good.
"Wait...don't tell me we...AAAAAAAAH!"
"It's okay, the fish with lawyers are only in my imagination. They can't sue you."
"OH MY GOD WE DID! I'M SOBER AGAIN AND IT HURRRRRTS!"
"Wait, you were drunk, previously?"
"YES!"
So that explains the giggles. And the flocculation.
"Aww, cheer up. Was it that bad?
The soda, I mean. That is what she's upset about, right?
I don't think so, actually...
"Well, I guess not...sigh...for a total retard, you're pretty good in bed, hun..."
Yeeehaw!
"Wanna talk some, Link?"
About the soda? Of course! I really want to know what it was like.
"So...was it good for you?"
I bet it was. I mean, you got to drink a soda, and it was probably really weird having the soda fizz in your stomach.
"Oh, it was great...I just...think it's kind of wrong to do it when we're drunk like that. It could be dangerous..."
Whoa! Soda is dangerous if you're drunk? Like, it forms an explosive chemical reaction with the alcohol? Holy shitake! I'd better be more careful.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to..."
"No Link, it's my fault. I shouldn't have started it..."
So she wanted me to shake her? Well, that can be arranged. Maybe I could 'accidentally' cop a feel on those sexy...eyebrows of hers.
"Well, we'll be more careful next time, Zel."
Aaah. I feel much better.
"So, want to talk?"
"Sure!"
Well now. This is not a time for incompetence. We just finished another mad- hot makeout session, after all. It'd be kinda awkward talking about the nuclear falafel guns, what with the sex and all.
"Zelda, I want to talk about our future."
"Wow. I didn't think you had the capacity. Well, what's on your mind?"
"If one day, we get married, have kids, and all that, I need to know something."
See, I read this article on spontaneous human combustion. It's really scary. I wouldn't want Zelda or any of my darling children to just suddenly blow up. I wonder if it's genetic. Or if it's an STD. So...
"Zelda, has your liver ever caught fire for no reason?"
"WHAT?"
"Your liver. Or maybe your spleen or your brain. Have they ever burst into flame with no discernable cause?"
"Umm, no, Link. My liver has not to date caught fire for no reason."
"Good, because I hear that spontaneous combustion is an STD, and...ya know...I want to be safe..."
"Link...yi yi yi...Why do I love you so much? Your skull cavity is full of mulch!"
Mulch. Hey, mulch keeps weeds from growing! Cool! My skull is full of weed killer!
"Well, never mind then."
"So..."
"Yeah..."
I'm losing her interest! Oh no! I've got just one chance. I'll play my trump card. This is guaranteed to catch her interest!
"Ahem. Zelda, you know how when you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?"
"Umm, yeah, I guess..."
"Well, what if you buttered both sides of the toast? Would it land on one side then flip over onto the other? Or would it hover above the floor, unable to land because it can't land butter side down?"
"Umm...I dunno..."
That gets me thinking! Hey!
"And cats! Cats always land on their feet. What if you had a mutant cat with four more feet growing out of its back?"
"Oh for the love of..."
"What if you glued two cats back-to-back? My God, the implications are astounding!"
And then it hit me. The greatest question that mankind will ever know.
"Link, you're being really stu..."
"What if you stapled a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?!?!"
"Umm...the cat would maul you?"
"No! Would the cat/toast land butter-side down or on its feet?"
"Link, that is the most ridiculous..."
"I've got to test it!"
I jump up. Eurika! This is amazing!
"Link, you are NOT dropping cats off of windows!"
"Umm...I wasn't...I was just...going out to perform certain...um...deeds."
"Uhh, right..."
There was a long pause.
"On a totally unrelated matter, do you have any cats you don't need anymore?"
"NO!"
"Aww come on! Look, we could drop the cat out this window over here! Come look."
She gets up. She stands next to the window. Totally nekkid! Wow! Good thing nobody can see us.
I wouldn't want anyone ogling her naked eyebrows.
"Link, at this height the cat would be turned into paste!"
"No it wouldn't!"
"Why don't you jump yourself and...EEEEEK!"
Ohmigosh! Zelda fell off the balcony! She's hanging on a ledge!
HOLY SHIITE! WHAT DO I DO???
"LIIIIIIIIINK! HELLLLLLP!"
What can I do? Wait! I got it! The one thing that's never failed me!
Chaos theory!
"Zelda! Hang on! In about a trillion years something is bound to happen!"
"LINK YOU RETARD! TOSS ME A LIFELINE!"
"OKAY! JUST WAIT FOR CHAOS!"
"NOOOOOOOO!"
I walk back inside. Damn I'm good. Glad that's over.
I slip on the sheet on the floor from our aforementioned mad-hot makeout session.
The sheet flies over to the balcony and snags on a chair.
"OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!"
What? What did I do?
Zelda's climbing over the balcony.
"Great thinking Link!"
She runs over and hugs. I don't get it...
"What? What'd I do?"
"Don't be silly Link! You threw me a sheet! You saved my life for the umpteenth time!"
OOOH! Wow! Chaos theory works again!
"I love you, Link..."
Umm. What to say?
"I love you too Zelda..."
That works. Kissy kissy.
And that was day one of my life with Zelda.
***
I like fish. They're delicious.
Then again, I like lawyers. I had a lawyer one. He was delicious too.
So I like fish, and I like lawyers. So it would follow that I like fish with lawyers.
And yet, I hate fish with lawyers.
I mean, one time, I had this fish, and it sued me. I mean I gave it all the food it could possibly want. I even gave it fancy sparkling wine instead of water, so it'd be happy.
Wait that might have been in a dream. Yeah. Dream.
Unless... nope, dream.
Which leads directly to my other point. Licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets.
That's why I propose that we build some sort of interstellar rocket to find these planets, and explain to them how wrong they are.
I mean I do all my badger licking after 5 PM. They only come out after 5 PM anyway. What are those other planets thinking, anyway?
It is probably very cold in space. I'd bring a jacket. Also a flashlight. It's really dark there.
The ship would be constructed of the finest weeds and twigs available. It would have a reinforced hull made from rocks to survive the rigors of atmospheric reentry. Also it would be green. Green things are cool.
The velocity required to escape from gravity would come from a giant slingshot.
Maybe Zelda could build it for me. She's got, like, a million Rupees. One time, she went to a restaurant, and she bought two of everything on the menu, and then ate it all, and the restaurant had to go out of business. Then Zelda danced the can-can on top of a giant mushroom.
Wait that was a dream too.
But I won't let that fact dissuade me. I'm going to propose that we build the spaceship right now.
"ZZEEELLLLLLLLLLLDA! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLDA!"
Oh, that's right. I'm in my tree house now.
Better yell louder.
Wait, no time for that! I just got a brilliant idea!
You know how when you really want something to happen, it never does? Well, just wish that the opposite of what you actually want to happen would happen! Like, "I don't want a ham sandwich to fall from the sky right now." I'll bet a ham sandwich will be falling on my head any second now.
Any second.
Aaaaaaaaaaaany second.
Anyway, I know what's best for everyone.
Why? Because I'm smarter than everyone.
Like, the poor street urchins who live in Hyrule Market Town are starving. If I were them, I would eat some food. Maybe buy a house.
And if you have rats infesting your house, you should maybe make the rats go away. I mean, it's so simple, but no one seems to realize it but me.
I guess I'm a genius. Zelda called me an idiot savant. I think that means something good, but maybe not.
Hey! Maybe if I stand on my head, all the intelligence that's sitting uselessly in my feet will flow down into my brain!
Nope. Not feeling any smarter. I do feel a great deal of blood pooling in my head though...
You know, I'm going to go visit Zelda. I have so many great ideas to tell her.
Like, this one. If you want to have more time in your day to have fun, just set the clocks backwards.
And also, I've figured out you can travel into the future. Really, it's easy. First, go into the kitchen and get a bag of potato chips. Then start eating the potato chips. Keep eating for an hour. Little do you know that all around you, time is hurtling by, spiraling behind you in a chronological wake, disappearing into oblivion at the astounding rate of 1 second per second. By the time you've eaten chips for an hour, you'll be almost a whole sixty minutes in the future. In fact, if you eat the chips for a decade, you might go a whole 10 years ahead! Isn't it cool?
And another thing. The easiest way to clean a toilet is to let chaos theory clean it. According to chaos theory, if you wait long enough, eventually your toilet will become clean. Like, a tiny hurricane could occur over your toilet. Or some person could come in and clean it for no apparent reason. I've adhered to this principle for my whole life, and it's worked perfectly. Same with my bed. And the rest of my house.
Well, here we are. Man, Zelda lives in one nice-ass house. I can't wait 'till chaos theory gives me a house like that.
*ding-dong*
"Hello? Who's th.AAAAAAAAAAH!"
"What, Zelda? It's just me, Link."
"I KNOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Is this a bad time?"
She sighs. She does that a lot. I can't figure out why. "No...come in..."
We sit down in this huge couch. It's like, the size of my whole house. Really soft too...
"So Link, what is it this time?"
"Nothing sweetie! Just want to talk!"
"Oh God..."
"Ahem." It feels weird to clear my throat. Kinda good actually.
"Ahem. Ahem." She's giving me that look again. Does she like it? I guess so. Maybe it's kinda a turn-on or something.
"Ahhhhem. Hwaaak. Ghhhaaak. Hwgaaggagaga. Hrrrruuuk hoooooooock."
Was she disgusted? Or was it lust?
Wow, at the rate I'm going, she'll be all over me in a minute now.
Good thing I'm wearing my dating boxers. Yeah!
It's not working. Oh well, I guess my prodigious intellect will have to win her over.
"Zelda, I've been thinking..."
She mutters something. It kinda sounds like "well, there's a first time for everything" but I think it sounded more like "go on my sweet hunka man- meat."
So I will.
Man, is this couch ever soft. Sitting down it's up to my shoulders. This is kinda creepy...
Time to turn on the charm.
"Did you know that licking badgers after 5 PM is illegal on other planets?"
There's that look again. Man, what does that mean? I think it means she's enthralled by what I'm saying.
"Link, I'm not even going to dignify that with..."
"And that's not right, is it hunnybuns?"
"Sigh...no..."
"Therefore, I propose we construct a spaceship in order to fly to those planets and let them see the error in their ways."
Man, this couch is scary. Ummm... help...
"This 'space-ship' as I call it, will be muumpphhhh..."
HELP! THE COUCH IS CONSUMING ME! My only hope is to summon animal friends with my telepathic...oh right, I don't have superpowers.
Yet.
Anyway, I'm going to pass out from asphyxiation now, but don't go anywhere.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ DOODELYDOODELYDOODELY~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"GHACK! COUGH! SPUTTER!"
I'm alive!
"I gotta say, that's the first person I've ever seen nearly drown in a couch..."
"Yeah...He was saying something about a spaceship and then...just sank."
Zelda? Izzat you? Who's that other voice?
Hey, I drowned? Did someone give me rescue breathing?
Damn! Zelda gave me mouth to mouth! Sweet! Drowning is cool. I ought to try that again sometime.
"Is he better?"
"I don't know, I'd better give him more breaths..."
Hey, that didn't sound like Zelda...
I open my eyes.
AAAAAAGGGGGH! RAURU!?!?!?
Pthuh! Gag! Wash my tongue!
"Oh thank goodness! Link, you're ok!"
"I need some lye..."
"Umm...right...Anyway, thanks Rauru, you've once again saved Link from his own incompetence..."
Incompetence? What is that? Is that the word for "man-eating couch?"
Guess so.
"So, Zelda, shall we sit down? Anywhere but on the...incompetence."
"Oh God, Link, why? Why must I be seen with you?"
She's astounded by my vocabumalary. No, wait, she's sobbing quietly. Hmm.
We sit on a different couch. Hope it's not incompetent.
"Sigh...so, Link, you were saying something about a space ship and badgers..."
Hmm...I'm starting to get the sighing thing. When she sighs, she wants me to stop talking about that subject.
Oh no! I must have been boring her!
"I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
"Sorry about what?"
"I'm sorry that I bored you so much you cried."
"It's not that, it's just...I guess..."
Oh! She's in love with me! And...crying...for some reason. I guess her emotions got the better of her.
"I love you, Zelda..."
"Aw commere, my lunkheaded love..."
Score! From being bored to tears to smoochy-face in like thirty seconds!
"I just wish you could be just a little more..."
Brief? Concise? Succinct? I will...
"I can change...I'm so sorry for being...you know..."
"It's just so hard to live with your gross incompetence..."
I'm a what now? An all-consuming couch? Oh well, best not to argue with her. She's even smarter than me. I mean she got like a 1600 on the Essay Tees or something. Wait, maybe incompetent means boring. Maybe the couch was so boring, my I hallucinated that I was being eaten by it. Yeah. My brain would do that. I hate my brain. But it does give me some great ideas.
"I'm so sorry...I want you to be happy, so whenever I'm being...umm...incompetent, just tell me."
"Oh Link, I love you...you're so stupidly loveable."
Loveable! Yes!
"So, what were you going to say?"
"Well, never mind, I'm sure that it was going to be incompetent."
"Awww.well, what should we talk about?"
"What do you want to talk about?"
Yes. Get the obligation off my chest. I don't have the faintest on what to do.
"Well...today I had tax reforms and put down a peasant revolt. How was your day?"
Did I put down any peasant revolts today? Naaah. Don't think so. How about tax reforms? Well, I don't know anyone named Reforms, so I guess I couldn't have taxed him. Or her. Or it.
"Well, I ate mayonnaise."
"Fascinating."
"I get a lot of good ideas while I eat mayonnaise. Want to hear?"
"Well, ok...I'll tell you if they're incompetent, 'mkay dear?"
"Umm, okay. So, I have a great idea for revolutionizing the Hyrulian military."
"Really? Tell me."
"Ready?"
"Yeah!"
"Nuclear falafel guns!"
"Whaa?"
Uh-oh. I think I might be acting incompetent. Ok, better win her over.
"Wait, hear me out. First the chickpeas are bathed in molten tungsten. Then they are irradiated with hummus treated with uranium-258. Once loaded into a paintball gun the chickpeas can reach a velocity of over 300 feet per second and will be able to pierce straight through a human body. The radiation would then turn the hapless victim into jelly!"
"Oh, for the love of..."
"Man, getting shot by that motherpucker would be like jumping in a swimming pool full of hydrochloric acid!"
"Well actually, that would work...I suppose I could think...WAIT! WHAT AM I SAYING? Being with you is lowering my IQ!"
I'm lowering her what? Her Irritation Quarter? Wow! She's been really stressed lately. Especially when I'm around. Well, maybe that'll change now. I mean, she knows best about her own Irrigation Quart.
"Oh Link."
"Yes, honey?"
"Lesson one. Nuclear falafel guns are incompetent."
Oh no! Really? Man, I thought that was the most riveting thing I'd ever thought of.
"My bad, baby..."
"It's all right, just talk about something else. But wait, I need a drink to get through this...Want something?"
Hmm...I thought she said I shouldn't have drinks. Something about bars. Mmmm...bar...
I think the last time I had a drink was when she had a pool party and I wore her dresses.
I was pretty.
But embarrassed later.
Ok. I have a good conversation starter.
"You know what's really useful?"
"No, what?"
She's got liquor. We're saved!
"Words that sound like obscenities but are really perfectly clean. Like, 'flocculation.' It's when sewage clumps together. Did you know that?"
"Well...no, I guess..."
She rolls her eyes. Then drinks. All of it.
Yikes.
"Or, 'Shitake mushrooms.' Or, 'Shiite Muslims.' My favorite is 'obituary.'"
"Hee hee Link, you're right!"
Wow! Genuine interest!
"Like, 'I dropped my keys in the lake! O-bituary!'"
She's giggling strangely. I don't really know why.
Maybe if I drink this champagne really fast I'll be giggly too.
I love to giggle. It's fun.
"Know any, Zelly baby?"
"I dun think so. Want sommore sham-pag-nee?"
"Hee hee...shampagnee."
"'Mkay, here. So what else you got?"
"Well, I've realized something. If you drink a soda, then jump up and down a lot, I bet it'll get all fizzy and shoot out your nose."
"Damn! Cool! We gotta try thagt!"
Wow! Zelda is neat! She's finally opening up to me.
"Ok, got any soda?"
"Sure, I gots some Royal Crown Cola in the fridge."
We go to the kitchen. She drinks another champagne. Hmm... something odd here.
Oh well.
She drinks a soda. And starts jumping.
Ooooooh yeah baby. Man. I just can't stop staring at her big, bouncy...
Eyebrows. Fuck, man, I've got such a hard-on! Damn that's embarrassing. But I just can't stop it...those ample, soft, bouncing...eyebrows...up and down...up and down... *drool drool*
Aww, she stopped.
*BELLLCH!*
"Holy Shiite Link! 'Scuze me..."
Fuckin' jeebus! She's even good at belching! I bet she could have won that belching contest I did awhile back.
Damn, that's sexy. I like a girl who can do that easily.
Eyebrows...belching...fuck, she's perfect.
She's leaning waaaaaaaaay over. I have an amazing view of the big hills and valleys of her sumptuous, voluptuous, curvy...eeeeeeeyeeeeebrows...
"Hey loverboy, wanna you an me go flocculate?"
Really? We should go and clump together in a sewer?
No wait...
Is she coming on to me?
"Lez go upstairs eh?"
All righty!
~ ~ ~ ~ Some time later...~ ~ ~ ~
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
I wake bolt upright in bed. In more ways than one, heh heh...I had a great big...cowlick. I always get cowlicks. What, did you think I was going to say something different? What? Oh, never mind.
There's Zelda. In the bed. Next to me. And she's NEKKID! AND NUDE! WITH NO CLOTHES ON! HELL'S BELLS!
"Link, are you all right? You were mumbling about fish and lawyers. I think you were..."
She pauses. She looks at her totally nekkid self. And my totally nekkid self. We're totally nekkid. Did we join a nudist colony or something? I can't remember real good. My head kinda hurts.
Once I made my own nudist colony. No one joined. So it was mostly me sitting naked in my tree. But the pea sponge baths were sooooooo sweet.
Anyway, Zelda doesn't look so good.
"Wait...don't tell me we...AAAAAAAAH!"
"It's okay, the fish with lawyers are only in my imagination. They can't sue you."
"OH MY GOD WE DID! I'M SOBER AGAIN AND IT HURRRRRTS!"
"Wait, you were drunk, previously?"
"YES!"
So that explains the giggles. And the flocculation.
"Aww, cheer up. Was it that bad?
The soda, I mean. That is what she's upset about, right?
I don't think so, actually...
"Well, I guess not...sigh...for a total retard, you're pretty good in bed, hun..."
Yeeehaw!
"Wanna talk some, Link?"
About the soda? Of course! I really want to know what it was like.
"So...was it good for you?"
I bet it was. I mean, you got to drink a soda, and it was probably really weird having the soda fizz in your stomach.
"Oh, it was great...I just...think it's kind of wrong to do it when we're drunk like that. It could be dangerous..."
Whoa! Soda is dangerous if you're drunk? Like, it forms an explosive chemical reaction with the alcohol? Holy shitake! I'd better be more careful.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to..."
"No Link, it's my fault. I shouldn't have started it..."
So she wanted me to shake her? Well, that can be arranged. Maybe I could 'accidentally' cop a feel on those sexy...eyebrows of hers.
"Well, we'll be more careful next time, Zel."
Aaah. I feel much better.
"So, want to talk?"
"Sure!"
Well now. This is not a time for incompetence. We just finished another mad- hot makeout session, after all. It'd be kinda awkward talking about the nuclear falafel guns, what with the sex and all.
"Zelda, I want to talk about our future."
"Wow. I didn't think you had the capacity. Well, what's on your mind?"
"If one day, we get married, have kids, and all that, I need to know something."
See, I read this article on spontaneous human combustion. It's really scary. I wouldn't want Zelda or any of my darling children to just suddenly blow up. I wonder if it's genetic. Or if it's an STD. So...
"Zelda, has your liver ever caught fire for no reason?"
"WHAT?"
"Your liver. Or maybe your spleen or your brain. Have they ever burst into flame with no discernable cause?"
"Umm, no, Link. My liver has not to date caught fire for no reason."
"Good, because I hear that spontaneous combustion is an STD, and...ya know...I want to be safe..."
"Link...yi yi yi...Why do I love you so much? Your skull cavity is full of mulch!"
Mulch. Hey, mulch keeps weeds from growing! Cool! My skull is full of weed killer!
"Well, never mind then."
"So..."
"Yeah..."
I'm losing her interest! Oh no! I've got just one chance. I'll play my trump card. This is guaranteed to catch her interest!
"Ahem. Zelda, you know how when you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?"
"Umm, yeah, I guess..."
"Well, what if you buttered both sides of the toast? Would it land on one side then flip over onto the other? Or would it hover above the floor, unable to land because it can't land butter side down?"
"Umm...I dunno..."
That gets me thinking! Hey!
"And cats! Cats always land on their feet. What if you had a mutant cat with four more feet growing out of its back?"
"Oh for the love of..."
"What if you glued two cats back-to-back? My God, the implications are astounding!"
And then it hit me. The greatest question that mankind will ever know.
"Link, you're being really stu..."
"What if you stapled a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?!?!"
"Umm...the cat would maul you?"
"No! Would the cat/toast land butter-side down or on its feet?"
"Link, that is the most ridiculous..."
"I've got to test it!"
I jump up. Eurika! This is amazing!
"Link, you are NOT dropping cats off of windows!"
"Umm...I wasn't...I was just...going out to perform certain...um...deeds."
"Uhh, right..."
There was a long pause.
"On a totally unrelated matter, do you have any cats you don't need anymore?"
"NO!"
"Aww come on! Look, we could drop the cat out this window over here! Come look."
She gets up. She stands next to the window. Totally nekkid! Wow! Good thing nobody can see us.
I wouldn't want anyone ogling her naked eyebrows.
"Link, at this height the cat would be turned into paste!"
"No it wouldn't!"
"Why don't you jump yourself and...EEEEEK!"
Ohmigosh! Zelda fell off the balcony! She's hanging on a ledge!
HOLY SHIITE! WHAT DO I DO???
"LIIIIIIIIINK! HELLLLLLP!"
What can I do? Wait! I got it! The one thing that's never failed me!
Chaos theory!
"Zelda! Hang on! In about a trillion years something is bound to happen!"
"LINK YOU RETARD! TOSS ME A LIFELINE!"
"OKAY! JUST WAIT FOR CHAOS!"
"NOOOOOOOO!"
I walk back inside. Damn I'm good. Glad that's over.
I slip on the sheet on the floor from our aforementioned mad-hot makeout session.
The sheet flies over to the balcony and snags on a chair.
"OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!"
What? What did I do?
Zelda's climbing over the balcony.
"Great thinking Link!"
She runs over and hugs. I don't get it...
"What? What'd I do?"
"Don't be silly Link! You threw me a sheet! You saved my life for the umpteenth time!"
OOOH! Wow! Chaos theory works again!
"I love you, Link..."
Umm. What to say?
"I love you too Zelda..."
That works. Kissy kissy.
And that was day one of my life with Zelda.