Birthday Wishes: Part II; Regrets

The Present

"It's the twenty third of September," Sirius mused to himself with a glance at the clock. His brow furrowed at the thought, and a sad sigh escaped his lips. It was one of the few sounds he ever made these days. At least, in public. Lately he had taken up the habit of talking to himself, or Hedwig. Yet Sirius found that talking to himself was not nearly as rewarding, so normally it was Hedwig. She at least offered a hoot that sounded like some sort of opinionated response. All Sirius had to answer him was the echoing silence that lay like a winter blanket over his house.

Silence, and the occasional hoot from a snowy white owl, was all he ever heard these days.

That is, until a knock sounded on his door.

Sirius nearly leapt out of his skin at the unexpected noise. No one visited him anymore. Why would they now?

He sighed, not really caring who it was, or why they were here, and headed toward the door. The only sound that accompanied him was the lonely tapping of his own feet against the hard wood floor.

That was another sound he was used to, he realized.

Sirius reached for the knob and pulled the door open. The first thing he noticed, however, was not the fact that it was Remus Lupin standing at his door, but that it was raining. Again.

"Hello Sirius," said the familiar voice that was only too obviously forcing cheer and happiness. The lines on the man's face were creased, and Sirius noted as well that the bags that were typically beneath Remus' eyes were now unusually deep for this time of the month. The full moon was still a while away. "How are you this glum night?"

The man was quite literally soaked to the bone, and despite Sirius' usually bitter mood, he could not help but feel concern for his friend's health. He grabbed Remus by the wrist and dragged him inside. As he closed the door behind them he became conscious of the fact that the temperature of the house was quite unsuitable for Remus' condition, and without even realizing that his friend had been speaking, started away toward the sitting room to build up a fire so as to create a more reasonable atmosphere inside.

"Sirius?" Remus repeated, frowning as he watched his friend walk directly away from him. This was more aggravating then disturbing. He knew Sirius had been withdrawing from the world lately, but part of Remus had hoped that he would have been an exception. "Sirius?"

There was still no response, and as Sirius disappeared around the corner, Remus felt a great deal of anger and disappointment well up within himself. Surely things were hard for Sirius. Hell, they were getting more and more difficult for everyone, but nothing gave a man the right to simply dismiss the presence of his best friend in his own house.

"Damn it, Sirius!" he hissed, chasing after the man. He gripped Sirius at the shoulders and whirled him around until they were staring each other face to face.

It took a few moments to get over the shock of Sirius' own appearance. He was pale, and his face was lean. The eyes were not only lightless, but colorless and lacking any sort of dignified life signs. There was a nervous twitch below his left eye, and sweat beaded from his brow and upper lip.

'My God,' Remus thought, loosening his grip on the man's shoulders. 'Has he looked like this all this time?'

xxx

It took a few moments of realization to kick in before Sirius discovered himself staring into the concerned eyes of his old school friend.

"Sirius?! Are you listening to me?"

He blinked a few times, trying to pull himself out of his mental stupor. Shaking his head, Sirius pulled away. He raised a hand to his eyes and noted, for the first time, how badly he was shaking.

"I'm sorry, Remus," he apologized. "I wanted to get a fire started. It's cold outside and you're rather wet."

Remus himself blinked a few times, for this was surely not the response he had expected. Most believed Sirius to be beyond showing compassion for anyone these days. He held such a strong image of being hard hearted and cold. This display of warmth was...refreshing, and it gave Remus hope that perhaps Sirius wasn't truly lost as a man.

"Thank you," Remus said at length, bowing his gaze in taciturn apology. "I...really do not require--"

"Shut up and sit down," Sirius snapped, revealing some of his usual nature. He didn't like to come off immediately as caring and nurturing, unless it was toward Harry. Usually his hospitality was forced brutally, though it was always a comedic display in Remus' own opinion. It was very hard for Sirius to be intimidating, since he was a might bit shorter than Remus. Nevertheless, Remus acquiesced to his friend's demand. Partly because it might due the man some good to have some company; mostly because it felt good to be out of the unforgiving rain. Sirius was right, he was chilled, and part of him felt the on comings of a cold, or even the flu. He'd been working hard, and everything had been taking a toll on his body.

Plus, it felt good to be somewhere he knew he was welcome.

"How have you been?" Remus asked at length. Sirius was kneeling before the fireplace, trying to start a spark with his wand. Much to both their surprise, he wasn't doing too good of a job. When Remus didn't receive an answer, he chuckled. "Distracted?"

"Maybe a little," Sirius stated bluntly, waving his wand madly in his hand. His anger very clear.

When at last he couldn't get it to light at all, he threw his wand to the floor and collapsed onto his backside, frowning deeply into the grate.

"Maybe a lot," Remus corrected. There was a pause. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

Sirius sighed. He allowed the silence to grow between them for a few more moments while he considered his words.

"Do you ever wonder where he is, Remus?"

Remus frowned. "Pardon?"

"Harry. Do you ever wonder where he is? Or am I the only one?"

There was another pause. This time, Remus took the time to consider his words, and found that he couldn't really bring himself to answer the question. How did he feel about all of this? Well, the truth was, he had a lot of very defined feelings...but he wasn't sure he wanted any of them to be revealed.

"Remus?" Sirius asked again, this time sounding desperate. "Am I the only one? Am I the only one still holding out for him?"

"Sirius," he started. "If I told you yes, what would you say?"

There was a pause. This time it was longer.

However Sirius had taken that statement, it wasn't how Remus had intended.

"I would say...that I guess...it's time for me to give up too, isn't it?" Sirius turned his gaze over his shoulder toward Remus. "Is that true, Remus? Am I the only one still holding out for him?"

Remus honestly didn't know what to say. He felt like a mouse being cornered by a cat with no way out to be mentioned.

He sighed, knowing that it wasn't worth keeping secret anymore. Not in the face of everything they were holding up against. "No, Sirius. You aren't."

"Who then?"

Remus inhaled deeply, feeling slightly dizzy because of it.

"I am," he admitted, causing Sirius to furrow his brow and turn once more to face his long time friend. "I've always held out for Harry. For as long as I can remember, he's always been on my mind. The day they sent him to live with those muggles, I worried that he would never be taken care of the way Lily and James would have wanted him to be. I worried that he wouldn't learn about who he really was with the right frame of mind. I wondered if he would be happy.

"I never told you this before, but when Lily and James made you his godfather, I was jealous. Not that I didn't understand, of course. Being lycanthropic makes me incapable of caring for anyone else, and since it's so hard for me to keep a job, there are times when I can't even financially afford to hold myself up much less anyone else. Much less a young child. But nevertheless, I was jealous. I envied the bond that you would have with Harry. I hated the fact that fate had denied me that bond.

"I envied you even more because after Harry, you would have been able to have your own children and watch them grow alongside your godson. I wouldn't even get that. If I had children, I'd be bringing life into this world that would be touched by the same curse that I carry. I could never do that to someone, especially a child. My child. So, in a sense, I viewed Harry as being the only child I would ever come close to knowing as my own. But...he wasn't given to me. He was given to you. And that made me feel awful. It was worse than any persecution I had faced as a werewolf, and I know it always will be.

"I fought it only by pretending to be the person I had always wanted to be for him. When I was his teacher, I spent all the time I could with him. Even calling him to stay after class just to share some small talk every now and then. I wanted to talk with him, to get to know him. I wanted to be the person he could trust, because I knew that his aunt and uncle weren't what he needed. I guess...I wanted to be a father figure to him. I don't know if it ever worked out or not, but I promised myself that I'd always watch out for him, even if he didn't know I was.

"So, when you came to find Peter, my first instinct was to save him. Not just from Peter, but in a sense from you as well. I knew how restless you would be. That you would kill first and explain later, and that wasn't what Harry needed. At least, that's what I thought. I wanted to be there to help him understand exactly what had happened to his parents. I wanted him to believe that I could be his friend, that he could trust me more than anyone else. After all...who knows how to keep a secret better than I do?"

Remus smiled, and Sirius returned it.

"I did all I could, but in the end...I felt as though you had stolen him away from me again. You came and swept him off his feet with the possibility of a new home, a new life...everything he ever wanted. I was happy for him, of course, but I knew that whatever picture I had been in was now forgotten with these newly presented prospects. In the end I was alone again, and struggling once more.

"And now here I am. Telling you all of this, knowing I'll walk out of here highly ashamed of myself for having said anything, and having ever felt anything for a boy who was never meant to mean anything to me. But he did, and he always will I think; because he, like you and James, saw through what I was, and realized instead who I was. You don't forget the people who do that for you, especially when there are so few who will." Remus paused. "I will always hold out for Harry, until I see his body with my own eyes. I won't let go. I can't. He means too much to me."

There was a very, very long pause in which Remus could not bring himself to meet the gaze of his friend. Had he found such courage though, he would have seen that Sirius was not glaring at him, nor did he look amused at perceived foolishness, or numb from not caring. Sirius was, in all ways, astounded and shocked to learn that Remus felt, on so many different levels, the same way about Harry as he did.

"Why did you never tell me this before?" he asked, his pain forgotten in the face of Remus' own. "How could you...keep this from me for so long?"

The man allowed a slight chuckle. "Haven't you learned anything, Sirius? I'm a master secret keeper. Especially when it comes to my own."

"Remus..." Sirius stated, his eyes quivering in rapidly growing guilt. "Remus if I had known--"

"Don't," Remus interjected harshly, holding up a hand. "Don't bother. It's not my place to have a place in Harry's life. That job has been issued to you."

"Stop being an ass," Sirius growled. "You're a part of Harry's life whether you realize it or not."

Remus snorted disbelievingly. This caused Sirius' frown to darken.

"You are. He used to ask about you all the time, whenever I attended a meeting. He'd ask if you were there, how you were doing, if you looked all right. He would ask if you had found work, if you were looking for work, and he would then..." Sirius paused to laugh, "he would actually list places he had seen that were looking for people to hire."

At this statement, Remus too laughed. "Did he really?" he asked at length. Sirius nodded.

"You were a part of his life. You were the first person he met in the wizarding world that knew his parents better than anyone. I'm sure he had thousands of questions for you, he just was too afraid to ask."

Remus nodded, thinking back to the thirteen year old Harry he had first met. "Yes, Harry had been very meek back then. Not exactly the social butterfly you turned him into." He added the latter part with a sly wink.

Remus tossed a pillow at him, and they both shared, for the first time in a while, a good bout of laughter. It soon died away into a chorus of sighs though, and both were left to stare at the floor.

"I miss him," Sirius said at length.

Remus sighed. "Me too."

More silence followed, in which both only sat by and listened to the passing storm.

"Sirius?" Remus asked after a long time of nothing.

"Yes?"

"What happened the night Harry was taken?"

xxx

The Past

"Well, how was that for your first real birthday part?" Sirius asked with a wide smile on his face. He was downing his fifth mug of butterbeer while Harry was sheepishly working on his third.

"Amazing," Harry admitted. "I can't believe you invited all of those people."

Sirius grinned wickedly. "I invited Snape too, but I think he suspected we were planning on using him for the piñata."

Harry laughed, nearly spraying Butterbeer through his nose. "That would have been a treat, though I doubt there would have been much left of him; what with the entire Weasley clan being here and all."

"All the more reason to have had him come," Sirius said, the grin never dying from his face.

Harry merely shook his head, finding the humor of his godfather incredibly suitable for the time of day. It was nearing midnight, and despite the fact that both of them had had a hectic time keeping guests in check, they had both had a great time.

"Thank you, Sirius," he said, fully meaning it.

Sirius considered Harry's countenance. He'd never seen it so bright! There wasn't one ounce of dissatisfaction in the boy's tone either, and for the first time in a long time Sirius was proud that he had done something one hundred percent right for someone that he cared about.

"There's no need to thank me, Harry. I wanted to do it."

"Still," Harry continued, blushing slightly. "No one's ever gone all out for me before. It was...nice."

Sirius shook his head. "Don't say 'no one'. You have no idea the parties your parents used to throw for you."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Sirius nodded, and then began a very long tail about his trip home from the hospital. James had arranged it all, for both Lily and Harry, and when they had come home, the entire Order, plus their old school friends, and their old school professors, were waiting with gifts and congratulations in tow. Sirius, of course, had been the first to hold the baby upon reaching home, seconded by Remus and then Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore was there?" Harry asked, amazed.

"Everyone was there, Harry. Even Mad-Eye."

"Mad-eye? As in Mad-eye moody?"

Sirius snickered at the expression of his godson's face. He seemed absolutely stricken with amazement.

"Yes, even our dear old Alastor Moody."

Harry settled a little deeper into the chair, going red with embarrassment. "Wow," he whispered.

Laughing, Sirius stood and headed toward the kitchen, ruffling Harry's hair as he went. There was still some cleaning to be done, but it could wait till the morning. Sirius was too tired. All he wanted to do was give Harry a birthday hug and then send him off to bed before going to his own.

That would have been viable, if at that very moment the sitting room wasn't rocked with an incredibly large explosion. Sirius was blown off of his feet from the sheer shock of the sound. When he came to he found himself covered in debris.

"Harry?" he coughed, praying that the boy hadn't been in there when the explosion had occurred. When there was no answer, his concern mounted. "Harry!?!"

"Here!" came a meek response. Harry himself was coughing from the amount of dust that was now in the air. As the clouds settled he caught sight of a form on the ground that was struggling to reach the furthest corner of the room. A trail of blood followed after him, revealing a serious injury. "Harry?!"

He was able to reach the boy through the fog of dust and debris. Harry was pale and wide eyed, grasping at his leg while biting at his bottom lip. One look at the injury and Sirius had to fight off a sudden and severe wave of nausea. The upper half of Harry's tibia was jutting out from beneath his knee cap.

"What the hell-?" Sirius whispered. He pulled up the trailing hem of his robes and began to rip off long bits of fabric. He wrapped Harry's leg to stall the bleeding, despite the boy's pleas to leave it. "What happened?"

Harry didn't speak. He only pointed. As Sirius looked up he saw the answer to his question. Five Death Eaters were standing where a grand portion of the wall had been only a few minutes ago. And they weren't just any Death Eaters, either. Sirius could tell that one was most definitely Lucius Malfoy. Another was Bellatrix Lestrange; that jet black hair was a famous trait of the Black family line. It spilled out from behind her hood and down her shoulders, revealing her identity despite the mask. One was Peter himself, that silver mass of a hand was unmistakable. The others were unimportant as far as their identity, but he knew exactly why they had come.

"I'm warning you," he hissed. "leave now, because I will show you no mercy."

"How cute," said Bellatrix. Her sneer was hidden by her mask, but Sirius sensed it despite that matter. "The dog is protecting his pup."

"Damn straight!" Sirius hissed, disregarding the obvious insult. He stepped back and bumped Harry's wounded leg. The boy hissed in pain but didn't say anything.

"Brilliant. He's injured," said Malfoy from behind one of the four other masks. "He'll be easier to take that way."

But before anyone expected anything, Sirius, roaring in anger, let lose a flurry of curses and jinxes that would have sent most other Death Eaters scurrying. But these knew Sirius well, and knew that eventually, he would make one fatal mistake.

It didn't take long for him to make it, either.

Sidestepping one stream of green light, Sirius left Harry wide open for an attack. Malfoy took the opening, and mercilessly unleashed the most painful of the Unforgivable curses.

Harry didn't scream, but the pain on his face was recognizable. Sirius saw the attack and roared again in anger. He abandoned his human form and transformed into the huge black dog, taking Malfoy down in a split second of well channeled rage.

Unfortunately, this left Sirius and Harry wide open to any sort of attacks. Not that it was necessary on the latter. Harry lie limp on the ground, unmoving.

One attack from Lestrange's wand sent the black dog scurrying down the corridor, unconscious and bruised. That was the last thing Sirius remembered. When he awoke, he was in the hospital with Remus and Dumbledore leaning over him, the answer as to Harry's whereabouts written quite plainly across their faces.

xxx

The Present

When Sirius finished, it seemed as though the whole world had decided to go silent. Even the ticking sound of the clock was lost to them as they sat and pondered over nothing in particular.

"I don't understand why they would just suddenly come and take him."

"It doesn't matter why," Sirius argued, his brow furrowing in anger. "The fact is they did. They did it twice. And I don't care what happens, I'm killing every last one of them for taking him away from me."

Remus sighed. That wasn't the route he wanted to travel down tonight.

"Why are you here?"

"Hmm?" Remus asked, not certain if he had heard that question right.

"Why did you come? I mean...through all the rain and cold...did you have something you needed to tell me?"

"Oh...as a matter of fact I did." Remus shifted in his seat and pulled a letter out of his pocket. It was a regular envelope that looked slightly familiar to Sirius. "Dumbledore said he wants you to keep on the lookout for one of these."

"Why?" Sirius asked, swallowing hard against the dryness in his throat.

Luckily, Remus didn't notice. "Apparently, a few families who have lost someone as prisoners to the Dark Forces have received mysterious envelopes that can only be opened by voice commands. These commands have to be some sort of connection between the receiver and the sender, however. This provides confidentiality, so even if the envelope is opened by someone who isn't supposed to be reading it, it appears as nothing more than an empty parcel. I told Dumbledore....my God, Sirius you're as white as a ghost! What is it?"

Sirius gripped the rug beneath him while staring disbelievingly at his friend.

"I received one of those...not too long ago..."

Remus blinked, his expression was blank only because he didn't know how to process this information. "You...what?"

"A letter...like that...I got it...not too long ago."

Remus blinked again. "And you did...what with it?"

"I..." Sirius stopped and turned toward the fire.

"Sirius?"

"I...I couldn't figure it out so I...I got angry and..."

"You threw it in the fire?"

Sirius nodded, feeling incredibly stupid.

They both stopped for a moment, exchanged glances, and as one bull rushed the grate to try and find the envelope.

What they found, were the charred remains of one sliver of paper beneath all of the logs and ash.

Dirty and heartbroken, Remus tossed it aside. But Sirius wasn't so eager to give in. He picked up the paper and inspected it.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he said, raising his wand and tapping the parchment continuously. Lines began to form once more on the paper, but Sirius could still make very little of it out. "That's as far as I get, Remy," he said with a frown. Sirius shoved it into Remus' hands and crossed his arms over his chest, frowning.

"There's got to be more to it then that."

"Well then, figure it out!" Sirius snapped, a bit more harsh than he had intended.

Remus sat in contemplation, unconsciously nibbling at the end of his wand. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good..." he whispered, as though trying to conjure a deeper, more personal memory from the statement. "I solemnly swear..." he stopped. Raising his wand, he spoke ; "The Marauders Map." The letter glowed slightly, then did nothing.

"Damn it!" Sirius hissed.

"No! That's good!"

"What?"

Remus stood and began to pace. "That's a second piece to the puzzle. The Marauders Map. It has something to do with our map."

"And the password?"

Remus nodded and continued his pacing. "I solemnly swear..." and "The Marauders Map..." were repeated every few minutes while he put the pieces together. Sirius merely sat, quietly waiting while the wheels turned in Remus' head.

Suddenly the shuffling of feet stopped, and Remus picked the paper up once more. "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs!"

The letter glowed yellow at first, then progressed to a bright orange, and then finally a brilliantly blinding blue. It exploded in Remus' hands, causing him to spiral back from the pain in his eyes.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled, thinking that harm had befallen his friend. When he reached the man's side, however, he was relieved to find that other than being slightly stunned, he was fine. What shocked them both is what stood in the center of the sitting room before them.

It was a hologram-like image of Harry.

"Hello," it greeted, as though this were quite normal. Sirius and Remus merely stared on. "God is it good to see you." Sirius could have said the same thing, but he wasn't sure how to word a response to a made up image. "We've been sending these out to our families and friends for weeks now. I had to wait longer because I had more that I wanted to say to you. Both of you."

This statement made them both jump in surprise.

"Can he see us?" Sirius asked Remus.

"I've imprinted my memory into this paper. A bit more advanced than the other messages, but I thought you might like something a bit more substantial to prove that I'm alive, and that I am who I say I am." He stopped, winking. "And yes, I can see you. I'm communicating with you in a manner that is something like telepathy."

"Where are you?" Sirius asked, standing rapidly.

"We're in Scotland, I know that much," Harry answered honestly. "In some large castle on the sea side. We're facing east because the sun rises outside of my cell every morning."

"Eastern side of Scotland on the shore?" Remus asked. "What do you see on the shoreline? Any special landmarks? Something we can use to help us pinpoint where you are exactly?"

"Other then sand?" Harry asked with a grin. "There's a large stone structure that was probably used to ward off Pagan natives at one time or another. But I--"

"MacMurphy's Keep?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, that sounds right. I vaguely remember Hermione telling me about it from Muggle Studies at one time." He laughed slightly at the memory. "How is everyone?"

"Stressed," they said together.

"I see," Harry dropped his gaze. "I'm...sorry..."

"Don't be," they said again in unison.

Harry had to laugh that time. "You two are getting scary. But look...about every Death Eater Voldemort has is here. Don't come alone."

"All right," said Sirius. "Where are you being held?"

"The dungeon, of all places."

He afforded himself a slight grin. "We'll get there Harry."

"I know you will."

The image started to fade, but all of a sudden Sirius cried out to him.

"Harry! I...I need to talk to you."

"You may have to make it fast, Sirius," he whispered, looking over his shoulder. "I hear someone coming."

"I...I'm sorry I wasn't able to save you at Mungos."

Harry frowned. "Mungos. Sirius that was a while ago."

This caused Remus to frown, and Sirius as well. They exchanged confused glances before turning back to face the image of Harry. "No I mean, just a few weeks ago, when you were in the hospital from the poisoning effects."

Harry blinked, looking from one to the other. "You're joking, right? Sirius I haven't seen you since July!" This statement caused Sirius' blood to freeze in his veins. Remus looked only slightly better for it. "Sirius, what's wrong?"

Sirius couldn't answer. He was sorting through too many things in his mind. It was Remus who had to bring himself to speak.

"Harry...someone fooled us into thinking that they were you."

Harry blinked. "You...they did?" There was a nervous silence in which both Remus and Sirius felt extremely guilty for having never brought themselves to realize the difference. Harry recognized their guilt, and believed that it was up to him to make the situation better. "Well, whoever it was, they must have been pretty good to fool you two."

"Don't worry about that, the point is we need to find you and now. Harry, who's with you?"

"Right now? No one. They've been taken away."

Sirius felt his heart throb in his chest. "Taken away? Where?"

"Not sure, but I think it's not much longer till they come back for me."

"Then we have to get to you now."

"They're not killing us. I think it's some sort of interrogation."

"Harry," Remus started, but the boy held up a hand to protest.

"Don't worry about it now. Just get here when you can, and come prepared. You're going to need more than the Order at your side."

"Is it that bad?"

Harry moved to answer, but as he did so the image failed, and they were left staring at the wall opposite them.

"NO!" Sirius hissed, spelling the paper again and again to bring his godson back, if only for a second. When all attempts failed, he turned an angry glare to Remus. "We have to find him. Now."

xxx

Wow! Eleven pages. Well, how was that? Please review.

By the way, sorry the dividers are so cheesy. My computer kept freezing every time I tried to insert them.