A/N: Remember, these are professional fiction characters. Do not play with blue goo or amorous dead plants at home. - Goo
From: Gearhead
To: Maggot
Subject: Miracles do happen!
Hallaluyuhhh my little smurfy buddy! I is CURED! And I'm ahead of the game, too. Apparently the LT is so damn scared I'll complain about indecent advances and all that crap that he's buying me off. The way he talked, I couldn't tell if it was the homo thing or the fraternization thing that had him more tied up in knots. Really hilarious since he STILL can't walk right and I can't remember what he thinks HE remembers. That's fine. I just shuddered delicately when he mentioned it. Let him think up crap on his own. You know the move, the one that Annie Sobel used to use whenever anyone asked her to drive that crappy Jeep she hated so much?
And yeah, I see you snickering over there. You look like a giant case of blue balls from hell. I figure I don't want to be seen talking to something your color so we're doing email and chat for now. I specially don't want to sour the game when the Babelicious One has decided to grow herself some little Private Plants, if you know what I mean. Damn but that woman can lick the paint right off a Stealth Fighter. She's got a mouth you could register as a dangerous weapon and you know how I like to live dangerously. Jesus, but I think maybe I'll water plants for a living if it gets my corn shucked like that.
You oughta be thanking me, Maggot. I think I just gave you a way to make a fortune. We can get Nair, see, and rent out your back. You know, like, "Picture your message HERE!" all de-haired off your back. I think Hair Boy himself, the Major, would probably rent space right away. Didja hear about that shit? Hooboy. I mean, I never thought I'd feel sorry for an eagle-ass like Sumner but that's some bad shit that went down. Major'll be easier to work with, that's for sure, but still . . . Catfish vampire babes suckin' your precious bodily fluids does NOT sound like the way I want to go. Hell no! I figure a studly guy like me, I oughta live to a ripe old age and when I'm rich and wrinkly and retired I want to shuffle out riding, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I figure in the saddle and with my boots off is my way!
Jeez but that Sumner thing musta creeped me if I'm thinking about croaking. I mean, you, you're already an unnatural color and if you stay like that the rest of your life it'd be just terrible. Did Beckett say they could try anything? Man, if they do, I hope it doesn't turn ya green or purple or nothing. Though at least if you're green you're Irish colored. Sort of. But a fine specimen in the best years of my life like me . . . well. That ain't right. Though if you get back to normal you'd do fine too. I sure hope they can fix that shit, Maggot. It's just sorta unsettling to keep seeing this smurf outta the corner of my eye like that! Though at least since we're in an alien place we can probably find you some nice blue chick to take pity on ya.
Beckett says he wants to keep me here for another day, says the Botany Babe still is acting li-bit-un-ous or something like that. Hell if I know what he said, he talks that funny Scottish stuff all the time. All I know is haggis and MacBeth and if I coulda skipped twelfth grade it'd just be haggis, tell ya that.
Hey! Quit that! Oh CRAP! Are you starting to ooze over there? Oh jesus you are! I see the stuff dripping off ya! Hold on, Maggot - I'm getting Beckett for ya man
G
From: Maggot
To: Gearhead
Subject: Last words
Hey, Gee. It's a little hard to type when your diggits are threatening to fall off, but I wanted to tell you a few things. Not to get all seriouse on you, but the doc says that unless they find the answer soon, I'm not gonna last very long. Oozing away and all that.
I see ya pacing out there, and wish to God you were able to come in here. Not to sound too much like a whimp, but I gotta admit, I'm scared, Gee. And this shit, it hurts like hell. Never thought I would see the day my skin started to melt off. Yuck! I thought the way Sumner went was bad, but to melt away... It's like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West, or something. This place, its a lot more dangerous than Bosnia, man. I thought it was gonna be a cush job, but - damn!
Anyway, first off, good luck in the babe department. You really are a good catch, despite what Annette said. Despite the sarcasm, the unholy snoring, and that God aweful mug of yours, you're gonna make some babe a very happy woman.
Second, I don't regret anything. Anything. We've had our good times, and the bad, and you were always there. Hell, if you hadn't talked me into signing up, I never would have had the great things happen to me that I did.
Last, take care of yourself. If they don't get this thing fixed soon, I won't be around to guard your six. So you have to be careful. No more pervo plants and oddball LTs.
Anyway, Gearhead, I'm signing off. I can't feel my fingers no more, and I'm afraid to look too closely at them. Take care, buddy. Hopefully, I'll be talking to you again.
Maggot
Poor Maggot, sniff. TBC, of course!